Thank you!

Chapter 5

John was lost within his thoughts. He hated being away from his wife, but he had a job to do. Lord Grantham was already being patient and accommodating by lowering his tasks and giving him the day before to spend with Anna.

"Is Anna feeling better today, Bates?" It was an innocent question from Lord Grantham, but also a complicated one. Anna was physically doing much better than she had been yesterday. Dr. Clarkson told him that Anna just needed to rest today and then she would be ready to go back to the cottage by tomorrow, most likely. But John wasn't sure that Anna would want to return to their home. He couldn't just leave her here at night, though. He was so frightened that she would attempt to take her own life again and that this time, she would succeed.

"Yes, my lord," John quietly answered.

"I'm glad to hear it," Lord Grantham replied. He tried to start some more conversations with John, but John barely responded. He wanted to get his work done as quickly as possible so that he could return to Anna.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna heard the door creak opened and expected to see John on the other side. Ms. Baxter had been working on some mending over in the corner. Thankfully, she didn't speak much to Anna, just allowed there to be silence. She hadn't asked Anna what had happened or any intrusive questions. Anna actually preferred Ms. Baxter in the room with her instead of John. With John, she felt pressure to feel and act a certain way. There was no pressure with Ms. Baxter.

"Lady Mary," Anna croaked, as Lady Mary stepped into the bedroom. She watched as Lady Mary's eyes scanned over the small room and then she gave Anna a small smile.

"I'll give you both a moment," Ms. Baxter said, quickly standing.

"Yes, thank you Baxter," Lady Mary kindly stated. Her eyes then followed Ms. Baxter leaving the room. When the door was closed, she turned back to Anna.

Anna took in a deep, labored breath. But then she forced a small smile upon her lips.

"I…."

"Oh Anna," Lady Mary said, making her way over next to Anna and sitting down in the chair next to Anna's bed. Anna was now able to sit up and had been reading a book. "I wish you had told me."

Anna's back straightened and she could feel her cheeks losing their color. "Who…who told you?"

"Mrs. Hughes, I demanded it of her, Anna," Lady Mary explained. "I knew there was something wrong, but I never thought it was this," she whispered, as though there were other ears in there with the two of them. But Lady Mary quickly returned to her stoic self and sat up straighter. "I've called Lord Gillingham and insisted he fire Mr. Gillingham and not give him a reference. You will never have to see that man again."

"But m'lady," Anna nearly cried. Everyone was going to know. Her secret would spread throughout these walls and throughout London.

"Don't worry. I didn't tell him why he needed to be sacked. I understand the need for your privacy in this matter, Anna. I just…well, I don't understand why it needed to be kept from me. You know I would have helped you, right? You've helped me in the past."

Anna couldn't quite meet Lady Mary's eyes.

"How can I help you now, Anna?" Lady Mary pressed on. Anna knew this to be Lady Mary's nature. She wanted to help; she wanted solutions to problems. It wasn't often that Lady Mary took no as an answer.

"I…." Anna's words felt stuck in her throat. "I…I appreciate it, m'lady, but I can't talk about it."

"Even to me?"

Anna blinked rapidly, trying to blink away the tears. Her eyes glanced down at her hands and she began to ring her hands together.

"Not even to you."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Elsie stood at the bottom of the staircase, debating on whether or not she could sneak upstairs to see Anna while she knew that Mr. Bates was tending to Lord Grantham. She wouldn't even speak with Anna, but perhaps she could just look at her. Elsie couldn't get the image of Anna lying on the floor, nearly dead out of her mind. She needed to see that she was looking better.

"Just go," a voice said behind her, making her jump. Elsie turned to find Mr. Carson behind her, his eyes met hers, before they moved up to the stairs. "Go, see her. I'm sure she misses you."

"No," Elsie murmured, shaking her head. "I mustn't."

"Mrs. Hughes, you are her mentor. You have every right to go to her."

"I don't," Elsie disagreed. "Mr. Bates has made that very clear." Mr. Carson opened his mouth to speak, but Elsie started again. "And I can't say I disagree. This could have been avoided had I spoken up earlier."

"Do you really believe you could have stopped this, Mrs. Hughes?" Mr. Carson's voice was full of disbelief. "Because I do not. I believe that you did what you could for Anna, but that you were likely put in a difficult position. Don't blame yourself. Blame whoever is the real cause of this"

Mrs. Hughes nodded. Mr. Green. It was him who caused all of this pain and all of this separation. She gave Mr. Carson a weary smile.

"Thank you, Mr. Carson," she whispered. "Now, I ought to get back to work."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When John stepped back into Anna's room, he found her sitting by the window, her eyes looking out into the world below. She was alone. He had passed Ms. Baxter down the staircase, who had apologized for having to leave Anna and needing to get to Lady Grantham.

"Good afternoon," he quietly said to his wife. Anna didn't look away from the window. She looked much smaller than she used to be.

He grabbed the chair by the corner and brought it over to sit next to Anna. As he sat, he eyed Anna in front of him. Her cheeks were sunk in and her lips chapped. He wished he could scoop her up into his arms and whisper affirmations within her ears, let her know just how much he loved her. But he knew he had to be patient, that this was a delicate balance. This wouldn't be fixed with one conversation. Anna attempted suicide. His wife had been raped. No, this was the beginning of a long road ahead.

"You look better," John then told her. Anna just scoffed, as though she was far from being better and that the worse things were ahead. He sighed. His heart ached. "Anna," he stated, a bit stronger. "I need you to let me in. I need you to let me help you. I love you, Anna."

Anna took in a shaky breath, her eyes still stuck on the window pane. "You can't, not anymore. I….I'm spoiled and I can never be unspoiled." John's blood cooled. How could she ever believe that? He wanted to speak up, but she continued on, "Dr. Clarkson says he believes I….I'm still with child. You'll have to send me away…you…."

"No," John broke in. He scooted up closer to her, bringing his hand gently over hers. She flinched, slightly, but didn't pull away. "I could never send you away, Anna. I will stand by your side no matter what. I love you more than life itself and I think you understand that love, Anna. Because I believe that's how you feel about me. You stood by me as I went through the darkest time in my life, let me stand by you during yours." His words finally brought Anna's eyes to his. Her lower lip trembled and her eyes were full of fear and anticipation. He held her hand a bit more firmly, giving it a loving squeeze.

"I love you," he repeated. "You are not spoiled. You are my wife. That is all I see when I look at you, my wife, whom I love more than anything."

Anna's eyes searched his. Her hand squeezed his back, before she bit on her lip.

"But….but what would we do?" She asked, her voice tight with tiredness and emotion.

"What do you mean, my darling?" He was just glad she was speaking to him, giving him a piece of her back. Not hiding away.

"About the baby." A hot tear slid down her cheek. That made a loving smile grow upon his lips.

"We have a baby," he simply stated. Anna's head shook and her eyes slipped away from his, before she glanced down at her lap. Her hand pulled out of his and she brought her hands together, tightly.

"It's not that simple," she cried.

"Of course, it is, my darling," he murmured.

"It's not," a jagged breath left her lips. "You won't be able to love another man's baby."

"Anna…" John began, before sliding down onto the floor and onto his good knee. He ignored the pain in his bad knee, placing all his focus onto his wife. He glanced up so that he could see his wife's beautiful eyes, broken by how haunted they were, but he continued forward. "Anna, I love you and I will love any part of you. This child is yours. Of course, I could love this baby. How could I not?"

Anna continued to softly cry, as John brought one of his hands up to rest on her cheek. She looked as though she wanted to say more, but no words left her lips. He ran his thumb over her cheek bone and wiped away some of the tears.

"I love you," John repeated, again. He would say it over and over until Anna knew he meant it. Anna pushed his hand off her face, before falling down to the ground with him, nearly knocking him over. But he held himself steady, shocked and glad, as her arms wrapped around him and her face fell into the nook of his neck, before heavy, heart wrenching sobs passed through her lips. Slowly, his arms came around her back to hold her closer, allowing her to just let it all out.

To be continued...

Anna is letting John in, but are things going to go smoothly from here on out or not? More soon! Please let me know what you think. Thanks in advance! :)