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Chapter 6

Anna clung to John, her body shaky. But her knees began to protest from the hard floor and she realized then that John was also on his knee. She pushed back, his hands coming up to her cheeks.

"My darling?"

"Your…your knee," Anna worried. John just shook his head.

"I'm alright."

"You're not," she disagreed. Anna began to stand and then assisted John up. His cane had fallen to the floor, so Anna bent over to lift it and give it to him. He gratefully took it and then used it to steady himself.

"Come home, tomorrow," he requested. "It's time for you to come home."

Anna shakily inhaled, biting down on her lower lip.

"But what about…."

"Shh," he soothed her, "We will just take it one day at a time, Anna. Let's focus on the first steps."

Anna sniffled. She fell back against his chest; she was so exhausted.

"I'm sorry," Anna murmured against him. His hand fell to the back of her head, holding her tightly.

"Don't apologize," he strongly stated. "None of this is your fault. None of it," he repeated.

Anna's eyes fluttered closed. She had needed this. She had needed John. A fresh sob left her lips and she felt as John wrapped his other arm around her.

"I can't do this," Anna admitted, against his shirt, that she was getting wet from her tears.

John gently placed his hand under Anna's chin, forcing her to look at him. His eyes were full of patience and love, as his thumb ran beneath her lips.

"You can do this, Anna. I'm not saying it's going to be easy, but that doesn't mean you can't do it. Come home."

Anna slowly nodded. She did miss their bed, their little cottage. But Anna worried about the memories that would be spoiled.

"Good, tomorrow we'll return home."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The next morning, Mary stepped into Anna's small room to find her packing her luggage to head back home. Anna looked better than she had the day before, not happier, but healthier at least. Anna was alone and she paused what she was doing when she saw Mary standing in the doorway.

"I only wanted to check in on you," Mary said. "Bates told me you're going back to the cottage."

"Yes, m'lady," Anna's voice was small. Her fingers ran over the hem of the folded dress in her hands, before she bent over to place it with her other items.

"Good. I'm glad, Anna. I don't want you rushing back. Take the time you need, you and Bates. I'll handle Papa," Mary stated. Anna nodded. Mary found that she wasn't meeting her eyes. It was so odd. She and Anna had always had a close relationship. There was a time when the two of them could have told each other their worries. Mary couldn't find the right words to say to Anna. Everything felt like it was wrong.

"M'lady?" Anna's questioning voice made Mary look up from the dress that Anna had just sat down. Now Anna was peering at her, her lips twisting and her hands ringing in front of her. "What would you have done had you been with child after Mr. Pamuk?"

Mary's head turned slightly and she then shook her head. "Pamuk?"

"Yes, what would you have done?"

"I…." Mary frowned. "I'm not sure. I honestly never even considered it. Pamuk's death was so sudden, that I guess I was too shocked to even worry of such an outcome."

"But had you been pregnant, m'lady, and Mr. Crawley had offered to marry you and raise the baby as his own, would you have allowed it?"

This line of questioning was starting to confuse Mary more and more. "I'm not sure what….I mean, I guess I would have…." But then it clicked. She saw the pain on Anna's face and the way her lower lip quivered, as she waited for Mary's response. "Oh Anna, are you….?"

Anna just glanced away, ashamed. Mary's frown deepened.

"Anna," Mary breathed, stepping closer toward her lady's maid. "And it's…it's Mr. Gillingham's?"

Her face was still away from Mary's, but her head nodded. Mary's hand came up over her mouth; she was shocked. It never occurred to her that this could have even happened. Hadn't Anna been through enough?

"Anna…."

But Anna inhaled sharply, turning back to face Mary. She blinked a few times, before finding her words.

"Mr. Bates says he'll raise it as his own," Anna told her, chewing on the edge of her lip. Mary opened her mouth to speak, but Anna had already began to speak again. "I've been thinking about Mr. Pamuk a lot lately, m'lady, and I'm sorry. Men can be terrible creatures. They like power. I hadn't seen it at the time, but he used you. He knew exactly what he was doing."

Mary now could not find the words to respond.

Anna just turned and continued to pack her bags, leaving Mary speechless.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Elsie knew that Anna would be coming downstairs anytime now to head back to the cottage with Mr. Bates. She would keep her distance, but she wanted to see Anna and at least give her a smile, show her that she was still here for her.

She tucked herself away in her parlor, making the conscious decision to step out into the hallway when she heard them and just pretend she had an errand to run. Mr. Bates wouldn't be able to say anything about that.

It had been difficult, not being able to go and see Anna over these past three days. Elsie had shed so many tears, worried for the girl. It pained her that she hadn't seen this coming and that she hadn't been able to stop it.

The sound of Mr. Bates' cane let her know they were near. She steeled herself. Elsie had never been one to let others bully her or to make her feel like she had to follow their orders, but in this case she felt she shouldn't cross Mr. Bates. That he had every right to be angry.

Elsie stepped out into the hall and almost immediately, Mr. Bates made a face. She saw Anna glancing up to meet her eyes, but Elsie quickly ducked back into her parlor, shutting the door. Her head fell back against the wall and she let out a heavy sigh.

At least she had been able to see Anna. Anna was up and walking around. Anna was no longer on death's door. That was, at least, something.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The walk home was quiet. Anna stepped a little bit ahead of John, unlike before when she would stand right beside him, with their fingers entwined. She had a bit of nervous energy flowing through her and John could see her shoulders squared, as if she were on high alert for something bad happening. Which, he guessed, she would be. She had been attacked. How could he help her feel safe again?

One step at a time, John reminded himself. He didn't want his wife to suffer, but he couldn't magically fix this for her. It hurt to know that, to know that there was nothing he could do but be patient. What he really wanted to do was murder. He wanted to find Alex Green and tear his limbs from his body. But he knew he couldn't do that. Anna needed him. He would do her no good with a noose around his neck.

When they reached the cottage, Anna stood at the door. She just eyed it, as though she was afraid of what might happen to her if she walked into their home. John moved past her to open the door and then stepped back to let her enter first. It was a moment before Anna went inside, she moved to the side so John could enter too, but didn't go any further.

John walked her luggage to the bottom of the stairs and then turned to her.

There was a sound outside and Anna jumped. John glanced up to see that the neighbor's door had swung open. John went to close the door and then gave Anna a small smile.

"How about I make us some tea?"

"I….I can do that," Anna offered.

"You still need your rest," John stated. "Dr. Clarkson said you should still take it easy for about a week. I've spoken to Lord Grantham and I can stay home with…."

"No," Anna broke in, furrowing her brows.

John sighed. He wouldn't be able to leave Anna alone. He still wasn't sure that she wouldn't attempt something drastic again.

"I…" Anna's shaky voice made him look up. "I need to work. I can't just sit here for a week and think about all of this."

John stepped forward. He wanted to pull Anna into a hug, but he kept his distance. He wanted her to make the calls for being touched.

"Alright," he murmured. "You'll just have to take it easy. I'm sure Lady Mary will understand."

Anna nodded. Then she sunk down onto their settee. John felt a lump forming in the base of his throat, as he thought about their first time together in this very room. The laughter bounced off the walls and he teared up, missing his wife. But he shook it away and went into the kitchen to make the both of them some tea.

He realized that there wasn't much food in the cottage. With Anna being gone, John hadn't run to the market for any food. He only ate at Downton Abbey. As the water warmed, he opened cabinets in hope of something they could eat. There were some biscuits that Ms. Patmore had sent home with him a few days ago. Perhaps, he had some cheese and meat that they could have for lunch.

The teapot whistled and John took it off the stove, before pouring it into the cups. He steadied both in his hands and walked back over to his wife. He handed her one and saw that there were tears in her eyes.

He sat down next to her, placing the cup on the table beside him. Anna wiped her cheek with the back of her hand.

"My darling?" He worried this was too much for her. Their memories were all around them and maybe it would have been best to suggest they stay at the Abbey for a few more days.

"She….she didn't even come to visit," Anna then whispered, another tear slipping down her cheek. John's brows furrowed. "And then…she avoided me."

"Anna?"

"Mrs. Hughes must be so disappointed in me," Anna cried, wiping more tears as they fell down her cheeks. John's chest tightened. "She won't even look at me."

John took in a deep breath, before sliding forward to be closer to his wife. "No, no, that's not true, Anna."

"Yes it is! She never came to see me. She's disgusted by what I've done. I can't…I can't even blame her."

"Anna, she cares deeply for you. She didn't come to see you, because I told her not to."

Anna's brow creased.

"Why….why would you do that?"

"I…" he sighed. "When she and I found you, she told me that she had known everything; that you had threatened to kill yourself. I got angry and told her that I didn't want her coming near you."

Anna stared at him for a long while, before bringing her hand up to rest under her chin.

"It wasn't her fault, John," Anna said. "I…I told her she couldn't tell you. I wouldn't allow her to say anything. Every day, she tried to get me to tell you what had happened. Every day, she begged it of me. And had she not known, you wouldn't have found me in time. I tried to throw her off my scent. I made her believe that I was doing better, so that she wouldn't realize what I was going to do. But she still did."

"I'm sorry," John muttered, reaching over for Anna's hand.

"You need to apologize to her. If it weren't for her, I'd be dead right now."

The crushing reality that his wife could be dead right now, hit him once more. It had done this several times over the past few days. It always stole his breath away, taking him several seconds to gain it back. He couldn't imagine his life without her.

"I will," John then promised. "I was just….I was so worried about you and I needed someone to blame."

"She…she's not angry with me?" Anna asked again. Her eyes were full of tears. John shook his head.

"No, my darling. She's not angry with you at all."

Anna seemed to relax some then with that knowledge and she lifted her cup to take a sip of her tea. First thing tomorrow, John would apologize to Mrs. Hughes. Perhaps, he had been too harsh. He hoped she would understand. Anna was going to need her too to make it through this.

TBC...