Chapter 7

She awoke with a sheen of sweat over her body. There was a scream stuck within her throat and she sat up quickly, pulling up the covers up to shield her from her nightmares. Tears prickled within her eyes. These nightmares came almost every time she tried to sleep. They clawed at her and made her feel helpless, making her unable to get enough rest.

"Anna?" John murmured, making her tighten the covers at her chest and her heart quicken. The light by the bed was turned on and John glanced at her with concern. Anna could tell that he must have woken up before she did; he appeared more alert than she was.

Anna brought her hand up to her eyes and rubbed them, before shaking her head.

"I'm sorry," she muttered between her fingers.

"Don't apologize," his voice was stern, but when he realized it, he added gently, "It's alright. It was a nightmare?"

Anna nodded.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No!" Anna nearly screamed. "No," she more quietly stated. "I…I don't want to talk about it."

She could hear John sigh. That made one of the tears finally fall. She was hurting John, making things harder for him. But she didn't know how not to hurt him.

His hand reached out to wipe the tear away, but she jerked herself backwards and then her face fell within her hands.

"I'm sorry," she told him again.

"It's alright," John attempted to soothe. "I shouldn't have tried to touch you."

Slowly, Anna glanced up from her hands and let out a shuddering breath.

"I'm so tired," she admitted. John's frown deepened and made the lines on his forehead crease further.

"It's only midnight. Go back to sleep. You still don't have to go in tomorrow. We can stay home."

"No, we have to. You have to speak with Mrs. Hughes. I need to speak with her," she grew frantic now. Anna found that she was having the hardest time keeping control of her emotions. They hit her strongly: fear, anger, sadness. And when they hit, they took over, making it difficult to stay in control, especially with the lack of sleep she had been facing.

"Alright, alright," John appeased.

"I'm just…..I'm so tired," she repeated. Her body ached from the exhaustion that ran through her. It was a different type of exhaustion than a physical one. It was an emotional exhaustion. It was the exhaustion she had been trying to take away by taking those pills.

John inched himself closer to her and Anna brought her hand up to rest onto his chest. She could feel his heart beating beneath her palm, as his hand came up over hers. The beating of his heart made her body relax slightly.

"Will you hold me as I sleep?" Anna questioned. John gave her the smallest of smiles.

"Of course, I will."

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Anna had insisted they leave the cottage early that morning. John knew that she wanted him to speak to Mrs. Hughes so that she could talk with her. He had been beating himself up about how he had treated Mrs. Hughes since he realized how much it had hurt Anna not to have Mrs. Hughes nearby. He hadn't even thought about how it might make Anna feel not to see her mentor during this dark time in her life.

It was difficult, because he still held some anger at Mrs. Hughes. He knew that it might be misguided anger, but he had been kept in the dark about all of this. Maybe if he had known, it would have never gotten to Anna attempting to take her own life.

But these feelings he would have to work through. Anna needed Mrs. Hughes. And Anna had been right. Had it not been for Mrs. Hughes, Anna wouldn't be here now. She'd be gone.

Anna went into the Servant's Hall, leaving John to go into Mrs. Hughes' parlor. He stood in her opened doorway and knocked on the frame. Mrs. Hughes turned. The moment she saw it was John, her face fell slightly. She covered it up by inhaling and standing from her desk.

"Mr. Bates," she curtly welcomed.

"Good morning, Mrs. Hughes," he tried to warmly begin. The air was thick between them and he knew he needed to clear it quickly for Anna's sake. "I…I wanted to apologize."

Mrs. Hughes appeared surprised by these words. John just kept talking.

"I was wrong to be so angry at you, Mrs. Hughes, and I was wrong to keep you away from Anna. She needs you," John apologized. Mrs. Hughes' stood in front of him with her hands clasped before her.

"I….I should have told you, Mr. Bates. I believed it was the best thing for Anna. I was obviously wrong." There were tears in Mrs. Hughes' eyes.

"Anna put you in a hard place, Mrs. Hughes. She was hurting. You thought it was best," John stated. "You were trying to help her. I know if you had any indication that she was going to hurt herself, you would have stopped her in time."

"I would have," Mrs. Hughes breathed. "How…how is she?"

"I'll send her in. She wants to see you."

John gave Mrs. Hughes a nod, before walking out to find Anna in the Servant's Hall.

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Anna nervously entered Mrs. Hughes' parlor. The woman smiled the moment she saw Anna, her eyes shiny with tears.

"You look better," Mrs. Hughes said.

"Physically, I am better," Anna answered, furrowing her brows. "I…I'm not sure how to move on from this point. Everything hurts."

Mrs. Hughes stepped closer to Anna and pulled her hands into her own.

"You have Mr. Bates now, Anna. Your secret is out and he's standing by your side. You have Lady Mary. You have me. You don't have to go it alone anymore."

"Mr. Bates has shown great generosity of spirit."

"As I knew he would," Mrs. Hughes strongly stated, squeezing her hands.

"But…" Anna could feel the lump forming in her throat. "I'm….I'm not sure he will be able to remain as generous as my belly continues to grow."

Anna saw the wash of concern over Mrs. Hughes' features. "So you are pregnant, then?" She could tell that Mrs. Hughes had assumed it to be true, but she didn't know for sure until this moment.

"Yes," Anna whispered. "Mr. Bates swears that he'll love this baby as his own, but…how can he?" Her lips tightened into a thin line to keep sobs from leaving her lips.

"He loves you, Anna. No matter how the baby came to be, it will be your child," Mrs. Hughes reminded her. "A part of you, Anna."

Anna's head shook and a stray tear slid down her cheek.

"But…how will he not look at it and see that night? See Mr. Green?"

"He will see you," Mrs. Hughes assured her. "Only you."

"You, Lady Mary, and Mr. Bates will only see that night when you look at it," Anna disagreed, more tears slipping down her cheeks.

"We will not," Mrs. Hughes disagreed. "We will only see your child, Anna. Do you look at Master George and only think of how he was conceived?"

"That was different!" Anna cried, her lips curling. "He was conceived out of love! This baby was not!"

"Anna, dear," Mrs. Hughes held firm, not letting go of Anna's hands. "So many people in this world were not conceived out of love. Can you truly look at someone and know either way?"

"No," Anna whispered, a strangled sound leaving her lips. "But you will know. Lady Mary will know. Mr. Bates will know."

"But we all love you, Anna. So when we see your child, we will only see an innocent baby."

"You say that now, but you don't know…" Anna hiccupped.

"I do know, Anna," Mrs. Hughes strongly told her. "I am sure of it."

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The meeting with Anna had been both healing and heartbreaking for Elsie. She had hoped that with Mr. Bates by her side, Anna would start to heal. But that didn't seem to be the case. The baby growing within her was causing great strife for Anna. Elsie understood why it was difficult, but she didn't know how any of them could assure Anna that they would love her baby. It was going to take time for Anna to come to terms of this on her own.

Her parlor door opened and Elsie turned to find Mr. Carson standing in the doorway.

"I saw Anna leave. Is everything better?"

Elsie stood from her chair and gave him a small nod.

"It's better than it was," she answered. "Mr. Bates and I are on better terms, as well. So today is a better day."

"I'm glad to hear that, Mrs. Hughes. And will Anna be alright?"

That question made Elsie's face fall, because she honestly did not know.

"I hope so."

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"Oh Anna! I didn't expect to see you this morning," Lady Mary brightly said, as Anna entered her room with the tray in her hands.

"Yes, m'lady," Anna murmured, "I didn't quite feel up to just sitting at home. I need to be able to keep my hands busy."

Anna set the tray in front of Lady Mary and then walked over to open the blinds to let the sunshine into the room.

"Anna," Lady Mary began, as Anna's back was still towards her. "I've been thinking about what you asked me yesterday. And I think Matthew would have asked me to marry him, had I been pregnant with Pamuk's child. Matthew was a good man. He would have loved that child as his own."

Anna turned to face Lady Mary and she let out a loud exhale.

"No, m'lady. I appreciate you trying to make this better for me. But that is not what would have happened. You would have gone away to have the baby and then come back as though everything was normal. While Mr. Crawley was a wonderful man, you never would have had him do that for you," Anna stated. She attempted a smile, but her lips only quirked up slightly.

"No," Mary honestly replied. "I wouldn't have. Things were very different between Matthew and me when the Pamuk situation happened, Anna. It's very different than your life with Bates right now, Anna."

"Right," Anna said, her eyes falling to her hands.

"Is there anything I can to do help?"

Anna just shook her head. Lady Mary couldn't make this situation disappear, no matter how much she might want to.

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"How was your day?" John asked Anna, as she sat down in the chair next to him for dinner. He had checked in on her multiple times throughout the day, but he hadn't been able to talk to her.

"Alright," Anna simply answered, her eyes resting on her plate. John could feel several eyes from the table on the two of them. Some of the younger staff were in their own worlds, but the others kept darting their eyes to John and Anna. The tension was noticeable between them.

John wanted to tell the others to stop staring, but he knew that would only draw more attention. The best way to protect Anna would be by ignoring the others.

"We can head back to the cottage right after dinner. Lord Grantham has said he'll undress himself, because he plans on staying up late."

Anna only nodded. She didn't look toward him. Instead, she placed some food on her plate and pretended to eat. He frowned. She was still closing him out.

John turned to make his own plate and then watched, carefully, as Anna moved the food on her plate, only taking small bites.

When dinner was over, Anna quickly got up from her chair. John followed behind her, struggling to keep up. She was already at the back door, thankfully, waiting on him to leave. Her lower lip was trapped between her lips and her hands were clutched in tight fists beside her.

"Anna….?"

But Anna shook her head and opened the door. John grabbed his hat and then the both of them walked outside. The moment the door was closed behind them, Anna let out a small sob.

"Anna?" He tried again.

"I…I'm sorry. It…it was smothering, everyone was looking at me. They know."

"No," John stepped forward, placing his hand on her shoulder. But Anna stepped back, making his hand fall from her shoulder. "Anna, they don't know. They are just curious, much like they have been since you moved back to the Abbey. It'll die out."

"They know about what happened, they know about the baby, they know about what I did," Anna wasn't listening to him. She just walked back and forth, pressing her palms against her temples.

"They don't know," John stepped in front of her. "My darling, they don't know. I promise you that."

Anna's eyes met John's. "They don't?"

"No, my darling," he replied, gently pulling her hands from her head. "They don't. No one will know."

Anna blinked harshly.

"Let's go home."

A deep breath left Anna's lips.

"Alright."

To be continued...

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