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Chapter 8
It had been two weeks since his wife had returned to their cottage. But John felt they had made little progress. She was still tense around him, as well as closed lipped. Anna wouldn't speak to him about how she was feeling or her fears, outside of being found out. She was terrified of everyone finding out about what had happened to her and her attempted suicide. Yet, when it came to the terrors she faced in her head from her trauma, Anna wouldn't confide in him. She kept it closed up.
John was terrified. He worried daily that he was going to find Anna had tried to take her life again, but that this time she was successful. She hadn't give him any inclination that she wasn't going to try it once more.
So, he checked in with her multiple times a day. Sometimes, he just peeked in and other times he let her know he was nearby. He had also asked Mrs. Hughes to keep an eye out for her, for which Mrs. Hughes readily agreed. It seemed she was just as concerned about what Anna might do as he was.
John made his way down the hallway toward the boot room. He often found her in that room when he couldn't find her anywhere else. He hated the room. It was where his wife had been brutally violated. If it were up to him, he would burn it to the ground. The room made his imagination run and his heart race, as he thought about the fear and pain she had gone through. But to Anna, it seemed to have a different effect. She would remain in there for hours, scrubbing at shoes until her fingers ached and skin cracked from being dried out.
He looked around the corner to find Anna just where he thought he would. Her eyes were on the shoe within her hand. Her hands taking the brush back and forth against the black heel. Suddenly, her shoulders tensed and the frown on her face deepened. Her hand stilled and she took in a deep breath.
"Why must you watch me like that?" Anna snarled. Her eyes remained on the shoe. John slowly made his way into the boot room, closing the door behind him.
"Like what, my darling?"
"You creep around, checking in on me, like I'm a small child that can't be trusted on her own." There was a bit of shakiness in her voice, but it was mainly full of anger and impatience. Her eyes jerked up to meet his and she had her jaw set tightly.
"I…" John paused. "Anna," he tried again, wanting to make sure he said the right words. "Two weeks ago, you tried to kill yourself. How can I be sure that it won't happen again?" He hated how defeated he sounded. He was supposed to be strong for her. She needed his strength, but he was tired, too. He was scared, too. This was difficult.
Anna's face softened slightly and she finally allowed the shoe to drop from her hand. She turned to face him completely.
"I…..I won't," Anna told him. "I won't do it, John." John watched as her eyes glistened with tears. "I was so in my darkness that I hadn't thought how my death would hurt you. I knew it would hurt you to some extent, but I had really thought it would be the best thing for you. But now….I don't want to hurt you, John. I promise that I don't plan on trying anything like that again."
John felt his chest grow a little lighter. He believed her.
"If the pain gets unbearable to that point again, will you come to me?"
At this question, Anna stared at him for a long minute.
"I'll try," Anna finally answered. It wasn't the response that John hoped for, but he would have to take it.
"It's late, why don't we go home?"
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Anna hated that she wasn't enough for John, that her struggles were making things harder for him. Over the past couple of weeks, he had been trying everything to make her feel better. She sought his comfort at night, when they crawled into bed. He would hold her as she fell asleep. And some nights, she would even sleep all night without a nightmare. It was only sometimes, but she was at least more rested now.
Nighttime was the only time when Anna was able to allow John to offer her security. She didn't know why it was so much harder throughout the day.
The pain surrounded her like a shadow that couldn't be scared away by the sun. Everything was shadowed now. The dreams that she and John shared could no longer exist. Despite what he said, she was spoiled for him. She couldn't be sure that she would ever be able to give him what they used to have. The idea of being physical with him made her stomach ache and her eyes water. She hated that such a beautiful thing had been taken from them. And worst of all was the baby. Their dream of having their baby was now gone.
She took in a shaky inhale, trying to force food in her mouth. She knew that she needed to eat more. John always looked at her concerned when her plate remained full. She tried to not put much on her plate, but then that would gain questioning eyes from others. It seemed she couldn't win.
She didn't want to be in this veil of shadows, as Mrs. Hughes called it. She wanted to smile again and laugh. John was at her side, so why couldn't she break free? Why was it so difficult?
"Let us go on a date." John's words made Anna freeze. She lifted her eyes from her plate and could see him staring back at her with hope. "We could leave after we've dressed Lord Grantham and Lady Mary and return before it's time to put them to bed."
She continued to stare at him. This was something she did all the time now. It took her longer to process what was being said to her and what she wanted her response to be. Every time, John would watch her carefully with almost a frightened look in his eyes, worrying about how she would respond.
"Of course," John began, when Anna still hadn't answered. "We don't have…"
"Alright," Anna broke in. Her lips twisted. "We….that could be nice." John's lips curled up into a genuine, surprised smile. He hadn't expected her to say yes. But she knew he deserved one night of happiness, a night where they didn't have to have this shadow hanging over them. If Anna could forget for one night, then she could repay John for all of his patience and understanding. He deserved that, at least.
"Good," his smile grew. "I'll book us somewhere special."
"I look forward to it."
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When Mary had heard that Anna and Bates would be going out for dinner, she had been thrilled. It was about time that Anna had a nice night. She walked around as though there was a dark cloud over her, the light was gone from her eyes. But when Anna walked into her room to prepare her for dinner, the light was still not there. She was wearing a nice dress and she had done up her hair, but otherwise, she was the same: miserable.
"You look lovely," Mary told Anna, trying to brighten the mood in the room. Anna gave her a nod of thanks and went to grab her dress for the evening from her wardrobe. Anna lifted her dress from the hanger and then stared at the beads. "Where are you eating?" Her question made Anna realize what she was doing. She shook her head from her thoughts and went to lay the dress gently onto the bed.
"The Netherby."
"Oh, how marvelous."
"Yes, m'lady," Anna quietly replied. Then her lips quirked slightly, as though she was trying to smile. "We haven't eaten at a hotel in a long while. I believe this could be nice for us, for John."
"You definitely deserve a night out," Mary agreed.
"Well, Mr. Bates does. He has been so kind through all of this. I'd like to make this special for him."
"You should also have fun, Anna," Mary added. Anna's lips curled downward.
"I'll try. I don't know how to…" Anna's words faded. She rarely spoke much to Mary any more. There were so many things that Mary would love to confide in Anna. In many ways, Anna was her closest confidant. She could tell her almost anything and Anna wouldn't judge her. However, lately, Mary could feel the walls up around Anna. They were both protective and frightened walls. She missed what they had before, but she would be patient and try to help slowly break down those walls around her lady's maid.
"Just enjoy your time and don't rush back. I can put myself to bed tonight."
"Don't worry. We'll be back in time."
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Dinner had started off with a rude maître d and Lady Grantham stepping in, getting them their table. It was embarrassing. Anna hated every moment of it, but she tried to push her feelings aside. Tonight was about her husband, giving him some happiness.
As they sat at their table, John brought up simple topics for them to speak about. Anna forced herself to engage and even pushed a smile upon her lips from time to time.
"Here's to us," John lifted his glass up to the air. Anna grabbed at hers, ignoring the way her hand shook. She lifted hers to his and they clunk together. But the smile from John's lips fell and he placed his glass back down on the table. Anna followed suit, her lips twisting slightly. "You're not having fun."
"I…I'm sorry," Anna murmured, her eyes falling to the table. "I wanted for this night to be special for you, but I was a fool to think that I could be good enough for you."
John's hand slid across the table and he took her hand within his own. She felt as his thumb rubbed lovingly over her knuckles.
"You are more than good enough, Anna," he strongly stated. "This won't be fixed overnight."
Anna lower lip began to tremble.
"I feel like it will never get better. You deserve more than this, John."
"No," John disagreed. Anna glanced back up at him. His face was full of determination. "Don't say that, Anna. I love you. And it will get better. I promise you that."
A shaky breath left her and she felt a tear slide down her cheek.
"I hope so."
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That night John couldn't sleep. When Lady Grantham offered to give them a ride, his and Anna's conversation had been cut short. He hoped they would talk more about it once they got home. But Anna had been too tired. She fell right to sleep; her head resting on his chest.
He combed his fingers gently through her hair, taking in deep breaths. This was the one time she would let him hold her. He wanted to make all of this better for her, but he didn't know how. He knew that Anna was trying; she really was. Dinner tonight was proof of that. He should never had suggested dinner. Anna hadn't been ready; he had pushed her into something she wasn't ready for. He had hoped it would bring a smile on her face, but she had only gone in an attempt to make him happy. Didn't she know that to him all that mattered was her happiness? He couldn't be happy until she was.
Anna's face grimaced and he paused his thoughts. This happened often now. Sometimes the nightmare would pass quickly and she would fall back into a peaceful slumber, but, more often than not, she would begin to toss and turn, before sweat would cover her frame and frightened yelps would leave her lips.
It was in these moments that he felt the most helpless. He hadn't saved her then and he couldn't save her now. And that absolutely broke his heart.
To be continued...
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