Thank you all for your kindness. :)

Chapter 9

Time was wonderful thing. A few more weeks had passed and Anna felt a bit more at ease during the day. Her fears of everyone finding out seemed to fade, as it seemed everyone had moved on to different conversation topics. The fading of that fear dispelled some of her nightmares, making her wake up most mornings renewed.

Then there was John, sweet and patient John. He demanded nothing from her. At night, he would hold her to help scare away the darkness. During the day, he tried to respect her need for space, but was also, somehow, always there when she needed him to be. It was a delicate, but wonderful balance.

She had begun to heal from the pain of her attack.

But there was also her growing belly. That brought a wave of different thoughts and feelings. New fears, new worries. There was no longer any doubt that she was pregnant. She could hide it from the staff by loosening her dress, but that wouldn't last much longer. Soon, those with curious eyes would ask when she was due.

And now, John threw a curveball at her.

"America?" She nearly squeaked. "You…you're going to America?" She tried to keep her voice steady, but everything began to crumble around her. How could she survive without him? She was just beginning to find some moments of content where she didn't feel the dark cloud always around her.

John noticed her face pale and he brought his hand over hers.

"I won't go," he quickly told her. "I…I'll find a way to stay."

"But…but how?" Anna croaked. She hated feeling so helpless. She had survived without him before. It had hurt and ached, but she had survived it. Why couldn't she now?

"I don't know."

"No," Anna shook her head. "You must go. You…you can't leave Lord Grantham in the lurch. You…you'd lose your job. Go home and pack."

Anna quickly removed her hand from John's and turned, escaping the room, before she could cry. She didn't want John to see just how much it hurt that he was going to leave. They knew that their jobs could tear them away at a moment's notice. It was just how it was. If John saw her tears right now, he would go upstairs and demand Lord Grantham take someone else. Anna could not allow that. So she had to toughen herself up for her husband. But she honestly did worry how she was going to survive without him.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Thomas? You want me to take Thomas?" Her father asked, brushing back his hair.

"Yes," Mary simply stated.

"But why? Why can't I take Bates?"

"I can't explain it, Papa. But if I could, you would agree with me," Mary told her father. Her father's eyes landed on hers and he took in a deep breath. She prayed she wouldn't have to tell him. Mary knew just how much the privacy mattered to Anna and how, if it spread further, would cause more detriment than good. However, Mary did know that if her father were stubborn and she did have to tell him, he would understand and even insist that Bates stay.

Before her father could answer, Bates stepped into the room.

"I found this for the shoes, my lord," Bates said, placing luggage on the ground.

"I'm afraid you won't be coming with me, Bates. Thomas has been selected as your deputy."

Bates confused, asked, "What?"
"Lady Mary has persuaded me you are more needed here, though why, I couldn't tell you. I'd better get on," her father replied. Then he checked his watch and left the room.

"Thank you," Bates whispered, the moment her father was out of the room. He seemed relieved, his shoulders lighter than when he had stepped into the room.

"We all care about Anna," Mary simply answered, before stepping into the hallway and leaving Bates in her father's study.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Elsie found Anna hidden away in the boot room silently crying, as she shined a pair of shoes.

"Dear," Elsie said, closing the door behind them. Anna quickly began wiping under her eyes and acting as though she hadn't been crying. "It's alright," she soothed. "I've spoken to Lady Mary and she's assured me that Mr. Bates won't be going to America."

Anna's eyes came up to Elsie's and she took in a deep breath. "He won't?"

"No," Elsie mollified, "He won't. Lady Mary stepped in and spoke with Lord Grantham." Anna's face blanched, so Elsie quickly added. "He doesn't know."

"But…." Elsie cursed Mr. Green as she looked at Anna's frightened face. She hated what that man had done to Anna. He had stolen things not only from Anna, but from them all.

"Lord Grantham knows nothing about what happened. Lady Mary insisted he take Thomas along instead." This seemed to make Anna's face soften.

"So, Thomas will be away?"

"Yes."

"Good," Anna replied. "At least I won't have his comments or prying eyes always trying to figure me out."

Elsie only nodded in her response. It had seemed as though Thomas' focus had been on the Bateses lately. Which was the very last thing that Anna needed right now. While Elsie had seen Anna come out of her shell slightly, she was still very fragile. Elsie knew there was still a balance of keeping Anna towards the sunlight and out of the shadows. Perhaps with Thomas gone, Anna could find her way into the brightness.

"Thank you," Anna said, her lips curling up slightly. "I….I am so glad that Mr. Bates gets to stay."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

When John found Anna, she surprised him by throwing her arms around him and holding him tightly. Normally, he might have said something about being in the middle of the hallway, but right now he took every close moment he was given. He brought his hands around her back to hold her closer and could feel her body shaking. He began to frown, but Anna glanced up and there was a small smile upon her lips.

"You…you're staying," she said, relieved, before pressing her head back against his chest. He nodded, bending down to peck a kiss on the top of her head. Then slowly, they both pulled away, but Anna grabbed his hands and squeezed them. "I….I didn't know how I was going to make it."

"Well, now you don't have to, my darling. I'll be here."

Anna's smile grew even more. John nearly burst. His wife was smiling. There seemed to be some hope. They would be alright. His own lips curled up and he lovingly squeezed Anna's hands.

But almost as quickly as Anna's smile came, it fell. Her body tensed and she gently unlatched her hands from John's. Immediately, John grew concerned.

"Anna?"

Her head shook.

"I….I just remembered that I need to do something," Anna said, her eyes on the ground below.

"Anna?"

This sudden change of demeanor frightened him. What could have possibly happened between now and just a moment ago. He stepped toward her, but Anna stepped back. He could see her eyes filling with tears.

"Please, tell me what's happened? You were just smiling and now you look as though you might cry."

Anna's head tilted slightly and she seemed to be struggling as she decided what to say. Her lips pursed tightly together and she began to ring her hands in front of her.

Again, John felt completely useless. There were times when Anna would just close up right in front of him and he could do nothing to help her, but just stand there, hoping that she would let him in. He knew she was anxious and that she wanted to feel better. But he couldn't understand why she wouldn't let him in during these tough times.

"Please, Anna," he tried again.

Anna took in a deep breath, her eyes slowly moving up to meet his, before a stray tear slid down her cheek.

"I…" She paused. She was struggling to get the words out. He just gave her a nod of encouragement, letting her know that he had no intentions of trying to push it out of her and that he would be as patient as she needed. "I…I felt it."

John's lips twisted up to one side, unsure of what she was trying to tell him. But then it dawned on him: the baby. Anna had felt the baby move within her belly. He had noticed how Anna tried to remain completely unattached to the growing stomach. She wouldn't touch it or speak of it. Now, though, it seemed she didn't have much of a choice. The baby was growing more and more. Soon, she would feel him or her often throughout the day.

It was now his turn to struggle with the right words to say. He was sure that once the baby was here his wife would fall in love, but he knew that right now her belly was just another physical reminder of what she had been put through.

"I don't want any of this," Anna confessed, between sharp breaths. John's face softened and he moved forward, bringing his wife back into his arms.

"I know," he just whispered. For right now, all he could do was be there. And that's exactly what he planned on doing.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna hated herself. It was something she couldn't tell John, because she knew what he would say. He would be concerned and tell her that she was wonderful and that he loved her, that she shouldn't say such things. But she did. She also hated this being growing inside of her. It was a brutal reminder of how everything had been stolen from her and John.

Every day, the reminder grew. And in a few months, that reminder would be a breathing entity that needed to be fed, loved, rocked, and cared for. How was she supposed to do that? How was she supposed to look at the face of this child and not see Alex Green staring back at her?

It was part of why she hated herself. She knew this child was innocent in all of this. It hadn't chosen to be created or brought into this harsh world. Yet, even though she knew that, she still despised its existence. She didn't understand how John could be so sure that he was going to love it, when she, its mother, couldn't even be sure that she would ever be able to.

"And Bates will have plenty to do with Papa gone?" Lady Mary had been speaking for a while now, but Anna had been thinking about feeling it inside of her. It was a moment she was supposed to happily share with John, but she couldn't. Because it wasn't theirs. It was his. He stole everything from him.

"What was that, m'lady?" Anna asked, glancing up from the bed where she had laid Lady Mary's dress down. Lady Mary was watching her intently now, her eyes full of concern. It was a look Anna was getting quite used to from her, Mrs. Hughes, and John. She assumed that was what happened after one attempted to take one's own life.

"Nothing," Lady Mary just brushed off with a smile.

"I did….I wanted to thank you for speaking with Lord Grantham about allowing Mr. Bates to stay. I really do appreciate it."

"It was no problem, Anna. I want to help in any way I can."

Anna knew there was more she should say, but all she could do was nod and force a smile on her lips. Her mind just kept going back to the movement in her belly. She hadn't felt it again since, but she knew this was just the start of what was to come.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

There were no good days, John discovered, but there were good moments. He held on to those moments as his hope for a better future. He needed to have some faith that the world would be right again, that his wife would smile and laugh and be happy, once more.

He now knew when she felt the baby move within her belly. She would always grow quiet for a moment and then move on as though it hadn't happened. The past couple of weeks were full of moments like that. He so desperately wanted to touch her belly and feel it for himself, but he knew that Anna wasn't ready for that. He would be patient.

Today, he was busy in the boot room. Since he hadn't gone with Lord Grantham, it seemed that everyone felt it was fine to ask him to polish whatever shoes needed polishing. He didn't mind it much. The room was often quiet and he could reflect while he brushed the shoe within his hand.

The door opened and Anna walked in. It seemed this was a content moment of hers. She wasn't upset, but she also wasn't light on her feet. He glanced up to smile at her and Anna's lips curled to the side, before they curled up into a wide grin.

"Hi," he said. And then, she started to laugh. "What's so funny, Mrs. Bates," he teased. Anna shook her head, the laughter growing. "What?" He asked again, her laugher making his own laughter bubble within his throat.

Anna cleared her throat and tried to settle her giggles, before saying. "You…you've gotten some shoe shine on your cheek."

John brought the back of his hand against his cheek.

"Did I get it?"

Anna erupted into a fit of giggles, clutching her midsection and leaning forward, unable to contain herself.

"Anna?" He chuckled with her. He tried wiping his face again, but it only made her laughter grow even louder. His heart sailed. It was the most wonderful noise.

Finally, Anna grabbed a flannel and walked over to John, her body still shaking from all the laughter, and she reached forward gently wiping his cheek. Her hand stayed on his skin and she met his eyes.

"I'm sorry I laughed at you," she stated, her hand still lingering on his cheek. His breath hitched in his throat. It was the most intimate moment they had in months.

"Please don't be," he replied. "I loved hearing it."

Anna smiled. Then her hand dropped, breaking their connection. Anna grabbed the tin of shoe shine and surprised John by swiping some of it with her finger and then putting it on his nose.

"That's better," she playfully chuckled. John just chuckled and shook his head. Yes, there was definitely hope for a happy future.

To be continued...a little bit of happiness within the angst ;). Not sure when I'll be able to update again. Life's a little crazy right now. But hopefully I'll update soon and my other stories, as well.