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Chapter 10

Anna stood in front of the mirror, her lips pursing into a tight, thin line, as her eyes fell to the swell of her belly. When she woke up this morning, her stomach had grown to a noticeable size. Even with her dress taken out as much as possible, it was tight. Everyone would know that she was pregnant now. If they hadn't expected before, there could no longer be any doubt.

As she thought this, it kicked hard against her side. Anna inhaled sharply.

"Anna, my darling, are you ready?" John asked, entering their bedroom. She watched him notice the bump of her belly, but he quickly looked away. Then he cleared his throat and walked up next to her. "We're going to be late if we don't leave soon."

"Everyone is going to know," Anna stated, twisting her lips.

"We're having a baby," John simply replied. "They were going to find out soon enough."

"You could still send me away," Anna said, her brows furrowing. "Give it to a couple that wants a baby."

John's hands came up to rest on her shoulders and he met her eyes through the mirror.

"We want a baby," he gently answered. "This is your baby, Anna."

Anna shook his hands away from her shoulders and stepped forward.

"Just forget I said it." Anna turned to head toward the door. John stepped in front of her in an attempt to pause her steps.

"Anna," he tried. She shook her head.

"Please, let me by."

John sighed, but he moved over to let Anna pass.

This moment made her instantly feel guilty. John was so incredibly patient with her. He didn't deserve this version of her that seemed to come on so suddenly. One minute they could be laughing again and then the next Anna would be angry or sour. She hated it.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-

On the walk to Downton Abbey, John tried to think of how they could get through this morning. At first, he had thought about trying to convince Anna that she could stay home for the day. But that would only be putting off the inevitable. Everyone would now know that there was a baby on the way for them.

He was thrilled. It was something he couldn't explain. But he was. He couldn't wait to hold this little baby in his arms. While Anna worried about the child looking like Green, John did not. All he thought of was Anna when he thought of the new baby. Her eyes, her smile. The child was hers, plain and simple. The bastard got no claim over their child. John already accepted the baby as his. When they had married, the two of them had become one. That made him this baby's father and not Green.

John opened the door for Anna, who paused momentarily, before making her way inside. Just the day before they had been laughing over something. Now that laughter was gone from her face. He knew this was going to be a long process, but he hated it. He wanted her happy. It was all he wanted for her.

As they walked inside, they first saw Mrs. Hughes. She noticed Anna's belly right away. Her eyes grew slightly and then she tried to brush it off.

"It's alright," Anna clipped. "You can acknowledge it."

John had noticed that Anna always called the baby 'it.' She didn't see the baby as a real human that he or she would be. He was hopeful that when Anna saw the baby's face, she would realize how innocent and pure the child was.

"You're glowing," Mrs. Hughes just said, earning a sharp inhale from Anna and a small smile from John.

"I quite agree," John added. He placed his hand on the small of Anna's back. He could feel Anna trying to step away, but Daisy walked by then and she squealed so loudly that all three of them jumped.

"Daisy! Must you be so loud?" Mrs. Hughes scolded.

"I'm sorry," Daisy sheepishly said. "It's just….Anna are you having a wee one!?"

Anna just nodded. Her body was beginning to tense.

"Oh! A baby! We're having a baby downstairs!"

Daisy's voice carried down the hallway.

"Daisy, stop that at once. Get back to work!" Mrs. Hughes told the daft girl. Thankfully, she quickly disappeared back into the kitchen.

"Well, I guess now everyone will know," Anna murmured. "If you don't mind, I'm going to work in the boot room through breakfast. Will you let me know when Lady Mary rings?" Anna asked Mrs. Hughes.

"Certainly, dear," Mrs. Hughes agreed.

Once Anna had walked away, John found Mrs. Hughes eyeing him carefully. He assumed she worried about him and Anna's ever changing moods. John forced a smile upon his lips and gave her a curt nod.

"It'll all work out in the end," John simply stated.

"You really think so, Mr. Bates?" Mrs. Hughes didn't seem as convinced. But then she shook her concern away and smiled. "Yes, you're right. It will."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"What's this I hear about a baby?" Mr. Carson questioned Elsie, coming into her parlor as she sat down for her mid-morning tea.

"The Bateses are having a baby," Elsie told him, taking a sip of her tea. Mr. Carson's cheeks turned red and he appeared flummoxed.

"A baby? A lady's maid and valet to be parents?"

"Well, Mr. Carson, what did you think was going to happen? You had to guess that eventually the two would want to have a child." Elsie would have normally chuckled under her breath at his indignity over Anna and Mr. Bates having a baby. However, she felt even more protective of them both at this moment, so her words came out as defensive.

"I guess so," his eyes had widened and a loud huff left his lips. "But honestly, how does this look?"

"It looks like a lovely couple starting a family, Mr. Carson," Elsie replied.

"Anna certainly isn't going to continue as a lady's maid once the baby is born, is she?"

"I don't know, Mr. Carson. That isn't up to you nor me. That would be between Lady Mary and Anna."

"Right," he gruffly responded.

Now, Elsie did let out a small laugh. Mr. Carson would need to work on changing with the times.

"Join me for a cup of tea," she offered. Mr. Carson nodded, taking the seat across from her. Elsie then stood to grab him another cup.

She handed him a cup of tea and then retook her own seat. Mr. Carson took a few sips, before adding,

"I try to keep out of the business of others, Mrs. Hughes, but isn't it a little early for them to be having a baby after what happened?" He whispered those last two words. Elsie tightened her lips, wanting so desperately to explain everything to Mr. Carson. The two of them had a special kinship and he had been there for her after the attempted suicide attempt. However, this was not her secret to tell. And Anna was fragile enough as it was. Too many people knowing of her secret might end her. She had already come too close before.

"We don't always get to choose the timing of these things, Mr. Carson," she finally said. At that, Mr. Carson nodded.

"Yes, it seems so."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John had been sent into Ripon on an errand for Mr. Carson. He would have preferred to stay at the Abbey to keep an extra eye out over Anna, but he knew he had been privileged in not being sent to America and needed to not cause too many waves. Plus, he wouldn't be gone too long.

As he walked down the street, he paused at a window. His lips curled up. There in the window were all sorts of little things for a baby: a cradle, blankets, a stuffed teddy bear, etc. Soon, they would have these things in their cottage for their little one. He had a feeling that it was a girl, though he didn't dare say it out loud. If he were wrong, Anna might accuse him of not wanting the baby if it turned out to be a boy and that he had been lying all this time. He hadn't, of course, but he never knew what Anna's response might be nowadays.

Walking into the shop, John pulled the small teddy bear off the display. Its dark eyes looked at him and he chuckled.

"May I help you?"

"Yes," John turned to the voice. "I'd like to purchase this, please."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Things felt awkward about half the time now, Mary thought. Sometimes, Anna would step inside her room and it would be like before. Then other days, she was a different person. She was quiet and withdrawn. Today was one of those days.

Mary knew why. She saw the belly. There was no more hiding it. Since Mary had known, she had been able to make out the bump from time to time. Now, though, it was a prominent feature.

Anna pinned up Mary's hair and she worked as hard as ever. None of this seemed to get in the way of Anna's work. But it didn't keep Mary from missing the relationship the two of them had before it happened, before everything had changed.

There was a quiet knock on Mary's door and then it opened. Mary's eyes narrowed and then she turned, surprised to find her mother-in-law standing in her doorway.

"I've come to see George, but it seems they are out on a walk. I thought I would say hello while I waited their return," Isobel said with a smile.

"Right, of course," Mary replied. Anna fiddled with things on Mary's bed, rearranging the way her dress laid against it over and over. It was unlike Anna not to greet Isobel, but Mary guessed many things were unlike Anna now.

"Anna," Isobel greeted instead. Anna glanced up, turning to face her and giving her a smile that didn't quite meet her eyes. "Congratulations," Isobel then added, her eyes on Anna's belly. "How wonderful for you and Mr. Bates!"

"Thank….thank you," Anna stammered. "Will that be all, m'lady?" Anna questioned.

"Yes, thank you, Anna."

Anna didn't have to be told twice. She skirted out of the room, leaving Isobel standing in front if Mary confused.

"That was strange. I would have thought that Anna and Mr. Bates would be thrilled to be having a child. Is that not the case? Haven't they always wanted children?"

"They have," Mary tried to simply say, shrugging her shoulders. Though, this seemed to only amp up her mother-in-law's curiosity. She should have known that Isobel wouldn't miss this. She was quite intuitive.

"What's happened, Mary? Surely the two aren't in the middle of a row, are they? Mr. Bates and Anna have always seemed so in love, like the pictures."

"They are," Mary was growing more and more uncomfortable. She knew she could snap, as was her way, but that would only make Isobel much more curious than she already was. "It's a bit complicated and something I cannot speak of, Isobel."

"Alright," Isobel acquiesced. "I do hope things get better for them both."

"Me too."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

That night Anna slipped into the bed. She was tired, but anxious. She worried that she wouldn't be able to sleep. But perhaps tomorrow would be a better day. There were better days within the darkness. There were times when she and John would genuinely laugh and smile together.

The bed dipped beside her and she turned slightly toward her husband. The light behind him illuminated his face and she could see the gentle smile upon his lips. How had she gotten so lucky to have him?

It kicked and she frowned, freezing slightly.

"May I?" John tentatively asked. His eyes were on her belly and his hand was just above her stomach. Anna chewed on her lower lip, but nodded.

Very carefully, his hand rested on the bump and it kicked against John's hand. John chuckled. He turned slightly, before bringing his other hand around and placing a stuffed bear on her stomach.

"What…" Anna's eyes filled with tears. This moment was supposed to be different. It just felt shadowed and spoiled because of him.

"I bought our child a toy," John stated, smiling. It kicked again and John's smile grew. "I thought for our day off next week that we could buy a cradle."

The tears were beginning to sting her eyes. Everything felt overwhelming. She shoved his hands and the stuffed bear off her stomach, before she stood off the bed.

"Anna?"

She turned away from John, covering her face with her hands.

"This is all terribly wrong," Anna cried.

Behind her, she could hear John sliding off the bed.

"What if we took a holiday?"

His question caught her off-guard and she turned to face him.

"A holiday? Now?"

"Yes, a time to get our heads out from Downton Abbey. Perhaps, some time away could help us move forward."

At that, Anna laughed.

"Move forward?" Her laughter grew into anger. "We can't move forward, John. Don't you understand that? Can't you see it? This….this child will always be here. It will always be a reminder of what we had and what was stolen from us. All we can hope for now are moments of happiness, but a lifetime of it is gone, John. It will never come."

John's lips fell into a thin line. Anna turned away from him again and she began to softly cry. A few moments later, she felt John's hand on her shoulder. She turned back toward him and met his eyes.

"I…I'm sorry," she whispered. "I….I can't control these outbursts, but I'll try harder. And I know that this is our future. I can't promise that I'll love it, but I will try to be a good caretaker. To make sure it's fed and clothed and all the things it needs."

John's hand came up to rest on her cheek and she turned her face into his touch.

"How can you be so sure that you'll love it?" Anna asked. "Or are you just pretending in an attempt to make this better for me?"

"I already love this baby," John strongly stated. "I'm sure, because I love you. This is not an act."

Anna could feel her lower lip beginning to quiver.

"I do want to be happy," she told John.

"I know you do," he replied. "What if I read to you before bed?"

At that, Anna's lips curled up into a genuine smile.

"I'd like that."

To be continued...

Baby will be arriving soon. How will Anna handle it? More soon!