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Chapter 14
"Everything is ready then," Mrs. Crawley said to John and Anna. She offered them both a bright smile. John's eyes fell to Anna, who just stood there uncomfortably.
It had been four days since Ruby's birth and Mrs. Crawley had said that Anna was now ready to return to their cottage. John was glad to be heading back home so he could sleep in their bed again. He had slept most nights in an uncomfortable chair, only getting a couple of hours in the bed next to Anna. During the day, he had Mrs. Crawley to help with Anna and Ruby, so he had been able to do most of his duties for Lord Grantham. He had the next three days off to adjust to their new life, but then was expected to return to work. He likely could have asked for more time, but Lord Grantham had already allowed him all the time while he was away in America. They couldn't afford for them both to not work.
Though, Anna had said before the baby was born that she wanted to return to work and Lady Mary had even offered the nursery for Ruby. But John didn't know how it would all work out now. He was terrified of leaving Ruby alone with Anna. While he didn't think she would do anything to intentionally hurt the baby, he couldn't be sure that she wouldn't just neglect her all day as she laid in bed, in her shell. It seemed he wasn't the only one with this concern. Mrs. Crawley offered to come and help care for Ruby when he had to return to work and until Anna was ready to return as well. John worried it was too much to ask for, but she had been insistent and he wasn't sure he had another choice in the matter.
"Anna! Bates! Gone so soon?" Lady Mary asked, as she entered her bedroom. "Are you sure you shouldn't stay a while longer?" She strode across the room towards John so that she could look down at Ruby in his arms. "She really is a doll." She reached her finger down for Ruby, who immediately grasped at it. "And she's strong too."
Lady Mary glanced up to look at Anna, her brows furrowing at the sight of Anna not showing any pride in her daughter. It was such a strange feeling to have his wife right beside him but to feel as if she were oceans apart. Words came from her sparsely. And the only emotion he ever saw from her was fear if it seemed they might suggest she try to hold Ruby. Otherwise, she was emotionless.
"Thank you, Lady Mary, for your kindness and for allowing us to stay in your room these four days. We will never be able to repay you," John spoke, drawing Lady Mary's eyes back to him. She gave him a warm smile.
"Of course."
"Yes," Anna's voice was small. "Thank you, m'lady."
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The walk back to the cottage was awkward. John had already taken things they would need for Ruby to the cottage the day before, such as extra nappies, generous pass me downs from Lady Mary and Tom, as well as the bottles and formula. He only held Ruby in his arms and Anna walked beside him.
"It's a beautiful day out," John tried, when they were nearly halfway to the cottage.
"You don't have to do this," Anna muttered, kicking her foot against a rock. Her eyes remained on the road at her feet.
John paused his steps.
"I don't have to do what, Anna?"
She just shook her head and kept walking. He sighed. His frustration was mounting. Every time his wife refused to speak to him, it made him feel helpless and slightly angry. Though he knew Anna had only had the baby four days ago, so he had to just be patient. He couldn't expect her just to get better overnight. But when, he wondered. When would she get better? Or would she never? Was this their life from here on out? Him caring for Ruby while Anna slowly faded away from them both?
They entered the cottage and John told Anna that he would make them some tea. Anna only shook her head again and made her way upstairs. He heard the door to the bathroom open and then close. A shaky exhale left his lips. Ruby shifted in his arms.
"Hey," he murmured to his little girl. "Time for a bottle, isn't it?"
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The numbness was spreading. Anna eyed her reflection in the mirror, not recognizing the eyes staring back at her. Everything hurt. Nothing felt right.
Her eyes closed and she tried to feel something, anything. She clasped her hands tightly together, digging her fingernails into the flesh. Then her eyes popped opened to find John's razor before her. Her fingers itched to grab it, to scrape the metal against her wrists to end it all, right now.
"There, there," she heard John's voice. He was likely soothing the baby, her baby, she tried to correct. But it felt wrong.
It was then that she realized her hand was just a mere inch above the razor. She dropped her hand by her side, knowing that she couldn't do that to John. Her hands flew over her face and she took in a shuddering breath. She wanted to cry, to sob her heart out, but no tears would come. Nothing felt right.
By the time she made it out of the bathroom, she could hear John downstairs making some tea. She walked down the short hallway and glanced into the nursery where the baby was sleeping. Slowly, she walked inside the room and peered down into the cradle.
Ruby was bundled up in a blanket, content. Mrs. Hughes and Lady Mary had not been lying when they said the baby was beautiful. She was. Shouldn't she feel some pride in that? Her daughter was beautiful. Wasn't this something she should be beaming about? But she didn't. She felt nothing at all towards this little bundle in front of her, except fear. She stepped backward and then turned, heading back to her bedroom to lie down.
She was so tired now. It didn't matter how much sleep she got; she always felt exhausted. Almost immediately, she closed her eyes and she didn't awake until she heard John climb into the bed hours later.
To be continued...
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