Thank you to those who have read and left your reviews. This story is a tough one, as it deals with depression-which is never easy and it's very dark. It's hard for both the person going through it and those who love that person. Trigger warning for this chapter: dark thoughts about self harm.

Thank you again- AlexisRose

Chapter 17

The sun began to rise and Anna took in a shuddering breath, adjusting herself on the bench by the window. She sat here often when she was unable to sleep, which was nearly every night. As she tried to sleep, nightmares plagued her. They were vivid dreams that made her wake up feeling disoriented and shaking. He was always in her head with that smirk on his face, proud of what he was doing, what he had done. And then there were the cries, calling out for her. She would plead to see her child, screaming for him to let her go. Sometimes, she was able to escape him and she'd run toward the cries, only to have the baby disappear the moment she reached the room.

Her temples throbbed and she rubbed against them with her fingers, hoping to settle the continuous pounding in her head. Daytime was no easier than nighttime. Being awake only made the nightmares seep into her daydreams. There was no escape.

Slowly, Anna stood from the bench, her stomach grumbling for food. It was hard for Anna to eat now. It felt like a chore, but she knew that she needed to keep her strength up. The last thing John needed was for her to faint and be another thing on his list that he had to care for.

John was tired. She knew it. She knew that she was failing him and failing Ruby. She saw the side glances from the staff at Downton Abbey, judging her for not looking at her daughter or helping her husband.

A loud sigh passed through her lips.

Sitting on the stove sat a pot with a bottle within it. Anna wondered when John had come down to start the bottle. She hadn't heard him. Her lips twisted and she could feel the deep hatred that she felt for herself in that moment.

She pulled the apple out of the bowl next to the stove and grabbed a knife from the sink. It was odd for her to find knives now. Often, they were hidden. She assumed John was behind that and he would be right to do so. But this one was in the sink, forgotten. She wiped it against a napkin and then went to cut the apple.

However, her eyes were drawn to the sharp, smooth metal. Again, her thoughts went dark. She didn't know how much longer she could do this, how much longer she could hold on. Nothing was getting better. John and Ruby would be so much better off without her.

The knife turned within her hands and she brought her other hand up, revealing the smooth skin of her wrist.

"What are you doing?" John's voice boomed. Anna jumped, dropping the knife onto the counter and shaking her head.

"I….I was just cutting the apple," she stuttered, grabbing the apple up into her hands. "But…I'm just going to eat it like this."

John had moved in front of her, blocking her path.

"Please, Anna, tell me what you were doing," he pleaded. She glanced up to see heartbreak staring back at her. She inhaled sharply.

"Eating an apple," she answered again. John ran his hand through his hair, shaking his head.

"Please, Anna, please let me in."

"I…." Anna stammered. The words were there, stuck within her throat. She wanted to tell him, she needed to tell him, but they wouldn't come. "I need to get ready for work."

Defeated, John moved to the side to let Anna pass. Anna skirted past him, quickly making her way up the stairs. She heard a loud crash in the kitchen, making her pause her steps and only compounding her guilt. Why couldn't she be more for him?

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

John slid Lord Grantham's jacket up and over his shoulders, making sure it set like it should. But his mind kept going back to that morning and seeing the knife in his wife's hand. He couldn't say for certain that she would have brought the knife across her wrists, but he also couldn't say for certain that she wouldn't have. What would have happened if he hadn't been coming down? What if Anna had picked up that knife an hour earlier? And how often did this happen? Was he always one moment away from losing her?

"How's Anna?" Lord Grantham asked. While Lord Grantham's question was coming from a good place, it was a hard one for John to answer. There was only so much that he could say.

"It's tough, my lord," John answered. "But we'll make it through it."

"You will," Lord Grantham replied, a knowing smile on his lips. "I remember when Lady Grantham went through a similar situation. She laid in bed for weeks after Edith was born. I am sure that was when the Mary and Edith rivalry began," he chuckled. "It got better. It only took some time."

John nodded. He appreciated his lordship trying to connect with what John was going through, but it wasn't the same.

He finished preparing Lord Grantham for the day, before grabbing the clothes that needed mending and washed to be taken downstairs.

As he made his way to the downstairs, images continued to flash through his mind. He saw Anna on the floor, he saw the knife in her hands, he saw Ruby without a mother, he saw a life without Anna. It was crashing over him.

He made it into the boot room, before the tears began to fall. The cracks were widening between the lack of sleep, juggling everything, and his concern for his wife. He broke down.

The tears came hot and fast. He leaned forward and pressed his hand against the wood. Anger began to consume him as he thought about what happened in this very room and how it had led to this moment. How that even in death, Green was still destroying their lives.

The sound of the door made John stand up tall and quickly wipe below his eyes. He took in a shaky breath and turned to find Mrs. Hughes standing in the doorway. He was grateful that it was her, of all the staff, who found him in here.

"Mr. Bates," she kindly said, closing the door behind her. He straightened his back and tried to appear as though he hadn't been crying, though they both knew he had been. "You need a break."

"I'll be alright, Mrs. Hughes," John replied, adjusting the items he had been holding in his hands.

"You have a half day soon, bring Ruby here and take the time for yourself." John shook his head.

"I can't. That's when I can spend my time with her," John disagreed.

"Mr. Bates, you need to care for yourself. You cannot continue on like this."

"I don't have much of a choice." John closed his eyes briefly. He could feel the concern radiating from Mrs. Hughes.

"Take the break, Mr. Bates. You'll be able to enjoy your daughter more when you've had some rest."

"Perhaps," John quietly answered.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Elsie stood at the end of the hallway waiting for Anna to come by. She knew that Anna always made her way around this time.

Like clockwork, Anna stepped down the stairs. She ignored Elsie and continued to walk forward. Before the incident, Anna would at least speak with her. She would cry or express her concerns and fears. This Anna was shelled up away from everyone.

"Anna," Elsie authoritatively called out after her. Anna paused and turned, her eyes landing on the wall behind Elsie.

"Yes, Mrs. Hughes." Anna's voice was polite, but definitely was showing she didn't want to speak.

"Come into my parlor." Elsie gave her little room to argue. She pointed the way and Anna sighed, stepping forward. Elsie followed Anna into the parlor and closed the door behind them both.

Anna stood in the middle of Elsie's parlor, turning around to face Elsie.

"We need to talk," Elsie began.

"What about?"

"Why don't we sit down?" Elsie tried. But Anna shook her head.

"I really have things I ought to be doing for Lady Mary."

"They can wait."

Anna didn't sit.

"Your husband's heart is breaking, Anna," Elsie started. "Can't you just try? Hold your daughter? Give him something? Anything?" She was pleading. Yet, Anna didn't respond. She began to twist her hands in front of her, taking in deep breaths. "Surely you can pretend, can't you?"

"I can't," Anna breathed, shaking her head. "It…it's not that simple."

"Why not? Don't you want to be happy?"

"Of course, I do," Anna nearly cried, her eyes meeting Elsie's. "Do you think this is what I want?" Elsie searched Anna's face. It was pale and her cheeks were sunken in. There was no light within her eyes.

"Mr. Green is dead," Elsie stated then. "Why do you let him have such a hold over you still?"

Anna's jaw set and she said, "Sometimes, I wish I was the one who was dead."

This confession shocked Elsie and she exclaimed, "I won't hear that!"

"Can I go?" Anna's eyes had fallen away from Elsie's. Elsie could only nod, defeated.

"Yes, you can go."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The bright spots in John's days were when he went into the nursery to see Ruby. He tried to go and visit her multiple times a day. Like always, Nanny gave him a nod and often asked if she could run downstairs to grab something for the children. He told her yes and then lifted Ruby from her cradle.

"Hello," he murmured, kissing her cheek. "How's Daddy's little darling?"

She met his eyes and smiled. His heart skipped a beat.

As he took a seat in one of the chairs, he saw Mrs. Crawley enter the room. She gave him a small smile, before picking up her grandson from his own cradle.

"How are you, Mr. Bates?" Mrs. Crawley kindly asked.

"When?" John questioned in response. "When will she get better?"

Mrs. Crawley frowned, adjusting George on her lap.

"I don't know, Mr. Bates," she honestly told him. "I know this is hard. Anna is fortunate to have you as her husband, standing by her side, raising her baby."

"Our baby," John protectively corrected. "Ruby is our baby." He held Ruby closer to his chest.

"Of course," Mrs. Crawley answered, her cheeks slightly blushing. "I didn't mean anything…"

"I know," John broke in. "I don't want her to ever question my love for her."

"She won't," Mrs. Crawley assured him. "It's very clear that you love her, Mr. Bates. She's a lucky little girl."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Elsie stood in the doorway of Mr. Carson's study. He glanced up and gave her a small smile.

"Mrs. Hughes, would you like to join me for a nightcap?"

"Yes, please," Elsie replied, stepping into the room. Mr. Carson stood and poured into two classes. "Maybe make it a double." His eyes swept up to hers and his brows furrowed.

"That bad?"

"Yes," Elsie replied, sighing.

She sat down and took the drink from Mr. Carson's hand. He then sat down beside her, taking a small sip of his drink.

"I think we've lost her, Mr. Carson," Elsie admitted, her eyes brimming with tears. Ever since she had spoken with Anna in her parlor, it was all she could think about.

"Oh, no, I doubt that," Mr. Carson said. "We haven't lost, Anna. She'll get past this."

Elsie inhaled sharply, taking a sip of her drink.

"I do hope so. I miss her."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Quietly, John closed the nursery bedroom door. He turned and headed into his bedroom, to find Anna lying in bed already. This wasn't much different than it was any other night, except Anna's shoulders were squared and she seemed as though she was on edge. John frowned, sliding into the bed.

Pulling the covers over his frame, he was surprised to find Anna turning toward him. Her lips were twisting and turning and she made her eyes up to meet his.

"I…I'm sorry," she whispered, her lower lip quivering. "I…I know that whenever you look at me, I make you miserable. I know all I do is make you miserable."

"No," John breathed, "I am happy, whenever I look at you." He brought his hands up to her cheeks and she let out a small sob.

"But you're not. I…I ruin everything."

"Anna," he scooted closer to her. "I am happy, because you are here. When I look at you, I am relieved because you are here with me."

"I'm letting you down," Anna began to cry. "I don't want to be like this. You and Ruby would be better off without me."

"Don't say that," he strongly commanded. "We need you, Anna."

Anna continued to cry. His hands slipped from her cheeks and he brought his arms around her, pulling her closer and kissing the top of her head.

"I can't do it," she confessed. "I'm unable to be what you need me to be. It's a struggle just to live."

That confession of Anna's made John's breath hitch in his throat, confirming that he hadn't been overreacting with his response that morning. He could feel the tears building.

But he pushed them apart slightly and brushed her hair off her cheek, meeting her eyes.

"All that I need from you, Anna, is for you to hold on, stay here, with me. Until you are able, I will carry you through. I will help you. I just need you to stay here, please, stay here."

At that, Anna collapsed against him and sobbed into his chest. His own tears began to spill. However, he felt an immense feeling of relief. While he knew there were still challenges ahead, at least Anna was now confiding in him.

To be continued...

Thank you for reading! More soon!