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Chapter 18
Ruby was growing so quickly. John felt like every time he blinked that he was going to miss something. Her personality was starting to grow. She was loud and opinionated. If she wasn't lifted when she cried out, she began to scream to make her needs known. And if it took too long to take a bottle, she would turn beet red. It always made John laugh, as he'd lift her up and she would immediately settle within his arms.
"You're a bit spoiled, aren't you my little darling?" He playfully said, kissing the top of her head. The blonde wisps at the top of her head were starting to curl and her bright blue eyes looked up at him, blinking, before her lips curled into a smile. Whenever he looked at her eyes, he saw Anna's eyes staring back at him. She was her mother in every sense of the word. She had Anna's eyes and her smile.
The past few weeks had been both difficult and easier. Anna was still struggling, but she would tell him about her nightmares and some of her worries. She allowed him to hold her in the middle of the night, when a nightmare would wake her up shaking. Just the night before, she had cried in his arms that he kept stealing her away, that he wouldn't let her go. That was all she had repeated over and over. When John attempted to ask questions, she only cried harder until she finally fell into a fitful sleep. He hated seeing her so deeply tormented. But being able to be there for her made him feel that they were making progress.
But it was slow progress. There were days when things were better and then they would be hit by darkness again. If it weren't for the staff at Downton Abbey and Lord Grantham, he might be dead on his feet now. Everyone was helpful. Mrs. Hughes often sent him to her parlor to get off his feet and have a rest. Lord Grantham, noticing his exhaustion, had given him more half-days, insisting he bring the baby to the nursery while he got some much needed rest. Mr. Carson would hand off some of his duties to some of the footmen. And John had even noticed that Thomas no longer made any comments to him. He wondered if he was imagining it, but he was pretty sure Thomas may have even been helping with some of his duties.
Ms. Baxter, Lady Mary, and Mrs. Hughes were all the big champions and helpers for Anna. Lady Mary never questioned when Anna just didn't show up to work. She told John not to worry and to please tell Anna to get all the rest she needed. Mrs. Hughes and Ms. Baxter both took over Anna's duties on those days without a word or complaint. John knew how fortunate they were to be in such a house.
That help was needed now. Anna was on her fourth day of being unable to get out of bed. It was her longest stretch yet. John was so worried that the small progress they had made was being erased and he didn't know what had spurred this on. He knew that if he could pinpoint it, he could keep it from happening again.
He sighed. Today was supposed to be his half-day. He had planned on taking Ruby to Nanny and taking a nap or reading outside while he had his time off. Now, however, he felt he couldn't take Ruby in with Anna still at home. It seemed to be taking even more advantage of Nanny when neither of them would be working.
Ruby grabbed at his finger and brought it up to her lips, chewing on his knuckle.
"Oh, my girl," he happily murmured. "A morning with Daddy? How does that sound?" She just blubbered. "Yes, I think so too."
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The moment Elsie walked into Lady Mary's room that morning, she noticed the look of disappointment in her eyes. She tried to brush it off, quirking her lips into a bit of a kind smile. But then they fell and a loud breath left Lady Mary's lips.
"Anna is still not back?" Lady Mary questioned. Elsie shook her head, walking the tray of food over to the bed. But before she could set it down, Lady Mary had swung her legs over the side of the bed and stood, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
Confused, Elsie placed the tray down where it would have gone and turned to face Lady Mary. Her brows were knitted and she seemed to be in deep thought. The past months had given light to a different side of Mary than Elsie had become accustomed to. And she knew that Lady Mary was just as distraught as she was about Anna's mental state.
"Once, a friend of Mama's suffered something similar to Anna. I recall her husband talking about how he sent her to a mental institution and how it was the best choice he could have ever made. Do you think something like that could be good for Anna?"
"What?" Elsie asked, shocked.
"Well, obviously Anna needs more help than we can provide for her, Mrs. Hughes. We have to think about her and her health."
"I do not think that is a good idea, Lady Mary," Elsie then answered. "Those places are quite barbaric." Lady Mary eyed her curiously, naïve to the true terrors those places held. Mrs. Hughes gave her a brief rundown of things she had seen with her own two eyes when visiting her sister. It was why she had so little money now. She had to find a place that offered her sister more of a sanctuary than a prison, though the options she had to choose from still were very bleak.
"Oh," Lady Mary's face had paled. "No, we do not want that." She began to pace, bringing her hand up over her lips. Then she paused and met Elsie's eyes again. "What if we sent her to stay with Aunt Rosamund in London? She would be able to rest and get away from here for a while."
"Mr. Bates would never allow that, Lady Mary," Elsie replied. Lady Mary nodded, as though she had already known that. Her eyes shifted upward and Elsie could tell that Lady Mary was trying not to cry, that her concern for her lady's maid was very real. "Your heart is in the right place," she told her. "Sadly, there are not many real options for a woman in this position. Mr. Bates has told me that Anna has begun confiding in him. I think all we can do is be patient. This is very hard on all of us, because we all care for Anna."
Mary stepped forward to look out the window. "Thank you, Mrs. Hughes. I'll ring when I am ready to get dressed for the day."
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John rocked Ruby, as she blabbered and blew raspberries with her tongue. He needed to check in on Anna, but Ruby was avoiding her nap. She was wide awake and seemed to only want to play.
As he stood to attempt walking her to see if that would settle her, he heard a knock on the door downstairs. He grew curious, because he had no idea who would be stopping by in the middle of the morning.
Adjusting Ruby in his arms, he made the way downstairs and opened the door. There stood Mrs. Hughes. She immediately smiled at Ruby.
"I was worried when you didn't bring in Ruby this morning, Mr. Bates," she said. John invited her inside.
"Anna still won't leave the bed. I thought it might be best if we stayed here with her," John replied.
"I see." There was a pause. "What if you let me take Ruby for a little while," Mrs. Hughes then offered. "I've already spoken with Mr. Carson and he said Thomas could cover for you the rest of the day. I'll take Ruby to Downton for a few hours and then bring her back this afternoon."
John bounced Ruby in his arms.
"I don't know…"
"She'll be fine," Mrs. Hughes simply said, taking the baby from his arms. Ruby, who already loved Mrs. Hughes, just happily cooed. "See."
"Alright," John finally responded. "Thank you, Mrs. Hughes."
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Elsie entered the downstairs with Ruby in her arms. The baby had fallen asleep on the walk, but the moment they entered the chaotic downstairs, her eyes fluttered open. She was a baby who liked the noise and was interested in all that was going on around her, so she just widened her eyes and tried to look around.
"Oh! It's the baby!" Daisy excitedly said, reaching out for Ruby to take her hand.
"She doesn't want your grimy fingers, Daisy," Thomas called out from the other end of the hallway. Daisy ignored him and smiled as Ruby grabbed at her. Thomas was beside them a moment later, also intrigued by Ruby's midday presence.
"Both of you back to work," Mr. Carson boomed behind them. The two of them jumped and headed in separate directions. Mr. Carson gave Ruby a smile, before glancing up at Elsie curiously. "I did not know that we had discussed bringing the baby back here. Does Nanny know?"
"No," Elsie answered, unperturbed. "I thought we'd keep her downstairs with us for a few hours. I can manage her and do my duties."
Mr. Carson did not seem so sure.
"You are needed upstairs," he told her.
"Oh, well, she is about to go down for a nap anyway."
"Here," Mr. Carson grumbled. "Give Ruby to me. I can watch her while you are speaking with Lady Grantham."
"Thank you, Mr. Carson."
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John sat down on the bed next to where Anna laid. Her cheeks were wet with tears, as heavy breaths escaped her lips. Her hair was stringy and knotted around her face. He wanted to help her and ease her pain. Nothing hurt worse than seeing her hurting.
He slid his fingers over the mattress and over her hand. She glanced over at him and wiped her cheeks with the tips of her fingers.
"I…I'm sorry." She said this often now. He hated that she felt guilty for all of this. He knew it was not her fault. Anna was not choosing to be within this darkness.
"Shh," he just soothed. "Don't say such things. Do you want to talk about what you are feeling?" Sometimes when he asked this question, he would get a little sliver of what was going on inside of Anna's head. Oftentimes, she would just shake her head, but would allow him to hold her.
"I…" A shaky breath left Anna's lips. "Everything hurts," she cried. She blinked, looking up. "He stole everything from us. This moment in our lives was supposed to be ours and he tainted it. I dreamed for so long to have your child and now…." Her tears thickened. John circled Anna's wrist with his hand and brought it up so that he could run his thumb over her knuckles.
"No," he whispered. "Everything has not been stolen from us, my darling. We are here, together. Ruby is ours. I love her as my very own and I do not look at her as though she belongs to anyone else, but us. Our lives are not tainted. We can be happy."
He dropped her hand and then made his way to the other side of the bed, laying down behind his wife. He draped his arms around her, resting his cheek against her own.
"I know that you can't see it, not yet. I know there is some darkness that is pulling you under, but the moment you see how wonderful we have it, my darling, you will be truly happy. And until then, I will be here. I just I need you to try, when you can. We need you, Anna. And we will be waiting for you."
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Elsie walked down from the meeting with Cora. It was a discussion about some guests coming for dinner. She went into her parlor, hoping to find Ruby napping in her pram. However, the pram was empty. Elsie twisted her lips, wondering where Mr. Carson was.
She checked the hallways and the main areas, deciding it might be best to check his study. The moment she pushed open the door she heard soft singing. Her lips curled up. There, in front of her, was Mr. Carson bouncing Ruby and singing her a tune. He looked like a natural with Ruby in his arms and it reminded her of the time she found him with Miss Sybbie. He had always been a sucker for a baby.
"Mr. Carson," she broke in, making Mr. Carson turn. Ruby was still wide awake. "I assume the two of you had a nice time?" At that, Mr. Carson smiled.
"In fact, we did."
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The next morning, John woke up late. He checked his pocket watch that was sitting on his bedside table and groaned. He had only an hour to get ready, feed Ruby, and walk to work. Usually by now he already had Ruby's bottle ready. He sat up and quickly noticed that Anna was not in the bed with him. At least it seemed that she would be heading into work this morning.
Ruby began to fuss and John rushed to her room. She had begun sleeping later in the mornings, but she wanted the bottle as soon as she woke up. She was going to be angry that she needed to wait.
He picked her up and changed her nappy, before walking downstairs. Right at the bottom of the stairs stood a fully dressed Anna with a made bottle in her hands. She reached it out to John, who eyed her carefully.
"This….this is what I can do for now," Anna said. "I…I can't promise more than this."
John smiled. He bent forward and kissed her cheek. As he stood back, he saw that Anna's lips had curled up slightly. "This is perfect, a great help, my darling. I'm going to go and feed Ruby and then get dressed, alright?"
"I…I'll make us some toast since we're running behind." John tried not to look too surprised. A bottle made and a simple breakfast?
"That sounds wonderful, my darling. I'll be back down soon."
To be continued...
Little by little, some progress :) Thank you for reading! More soon!