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Chapter 19

Anna found that if she stuck to a certain routine, she was able to make it through the day. Some nights, she could even collapse in the bed and wake up in the morning with no nightmares in sight. That was rare, but it did happen from time to time.

In order to help John, she had begun taking on little chores and adding to it over time. Now, she did almost all Ruby's bottles, washed her nappies, and had gotten back to working on the garden.

John attempted to get her to spend time with Ruby, but Anna couldn't do it. She always sidestepped this, by offering to do whatever chore he needed to do instead. She could see the disappointment in his eyes when she did this, but it was the best she could do right now. Life was still hard. It happened less and less, yet there were still days that she struggled to get out of bed.

But the routine was helping. Time was helping.

She stepped forward. The moon was bright, showering the nursery with its light. It allowed Anna to see her daughter, sleeping with her hand curled up by her cheek. Anna did this often, when she couldn't sleep. She would come in this room and stare at Ruby.

The little girl was growing, her cheeks had plumped up and her head was almost full of hair now. She was absolutely beautiful. Yet, Anna felt no connection. She wanted that connection so badly, but when someone offered Ruby to her to hold, her entire body would tense and she would freeze up. She couldn't do it. She couldn't be her mother, the mother that she needed.

A scrape against the floor made Anna jump. She turned to find John standing in the nursery doorway. She'd been found out. He was smiling, his eyes glancing over to the cradle.

"She's beautiful, isn't she?" John whispered, a gleam in his eye. "I think she looks like you."

Words got stuck within her throat. She wanted to reply that yes, she also believed that Ruby was beautiful. They didn't come. No words ever came. Instead, she could feel herself closing up again. The darkness enfolding closer around her.

"I…" she stuttered. "I…" she quickly walked past John, briefly meeting his eyes. The disappointment was back. She was letting them down.

The moment she was back in their bedroom, she slid into the bed and held in a sob, her hand pressing against her lips. Why couldn't she be more for them?

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The day was beautiful. Perfect weather, the sun rising as they began their walk to Downton. Ruby cooed in the pram, as John pushed her and Anna stood beside him, actually speaking with him. Lately, he had found they could have some real conversations again. If the topics stuck to their work or their cottage, Anna would speak for a while. However, if he tried to speak with Anna about Ruby, she would just quietly nod and try to get out of the conversation. John couldn't understand how his wife could get better in so many ways, but not in the most important one. How could she not love their daughter?

He would not pretend to understand what was going on within her mind. He knew that even though she was progressing, that she still struggled. But what he struggled with was her lack of trying when it came to Ruby. It appeared she tried with everything else, except having any sort of relationship with her. Would it still be like this when Ruby was older? Would she question if her mother loved her?

These thoughts always worried John. He needed to protect his little girl, but he never expected that he would have to protect her from Anna.

They reached the Abbey and John parked the pram right outside the door. Lifting Ruby up into his arms, she immediately grabbed for his nose. He chuckled and gave her a quick kiss.

"Mr. Bates," Mrs. Hughes was saying the moment they stepped inside. "Lord Grantham has rung for you early."

"Ah, alright," he said, he glanced to Anna. "Will you take her up to Nanny?"

Anna's face paled and she looked as though she was a trapped bird within a cage.

"I…I…Lady Mary…" She stumbled over her words. He sighed.

"I can take her up," Mrs. Hughes offered. Anna visibly relaxed. Ruby easily went to Mrs. Hughes, but John couldn't help but grow slightly frustrated.

He knew he was supposed to be patient. He had been patient. Ruby was nearly four months old. Most days, he was patient, but today he felt set off. Why couldn't Anna just walk her up the stairs? Was it really that difficult for her?

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"Do you know which gown you'd like to wear today, m'lady?" Anna questioned Lady Mary.

"You seem lighter on your feet," Lady Mary said in response, smiling up at Anna. "Are you feeling better?"

Anna moved her eyes to the tray in front of Lady Mary. She hated this line of questioning. It made her feel as though everyone was expecting her to be a certain level of better. She knew that Lady Mary was only showing concern and care for Anna, but it still bothered her nonetheless. She often struggled with saying exactly what she was feeling.

"I…In some ways, m'lady," Anna quietly answered.

"You've been coming into work more often. I'm so very glad," Lady Mary continued on. "Ms. Baxter and Mrs. Hughes both try, but they aren't you."

"Yes," Anna stated, her lips twisting. "I am glad to be at work with you. The routine of it helps."

"Then I'm happy to hear it. And Ruby? How is she? I see her sometimes when I check in on George in the nursery. She's quite the doll."

Anna knitted her brows, turning away from Mary and growing more and more uncomfortable.

"I….I haven't been able to connect with her," she almost whispered. Tears stung her eyes. It was such an embarrassing thing to admit. She was a mother who couldn't love or connect with her child.

"Well, I understand that," Mary just said. "I had my own struggles after I lost Matthew when it came to connecting with George. I loved him, of course, but I struggled to feel fully connected to him. He reminded me so much of his father."

Anna curved her shoulders. "I'm not sure that's quite the same, m'lady."

"Of course, it's not exactly the same. Yet, there are some similarities aren't there?"

"I'd really rather not speak of this anymore, if that's alright with you." She turned back to face Lady Mary. Her face had fallen, hurt. There she went again, hurting people. It seemed to be the only thing she was capable of lately.

"Yes," Lady Mary replied. "Of course."

"Will that be all, m'lady?"

"Yes. You may go."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

Anna found herself in the boot room, polishing a set of shoes that had been sitting on the large table. Her mind kept going back to the talk with Lady Mary. When she had gone back up to dress her for the morning, the two of them had barely talked. Not that Anna talked much nowadays anyway, but they had begun to banter from time to time. There had been a sliver of her life back and she had ruined it.

"Anna?"

She glanced up to find Mrs. Crawley standing in the doorway.

"Good, I was hoping to find you down here."

Mrs. Crawley walked into the boot room and gave her a small smile.

"How are you? Mr. Bates tells me you are showing good progress."

Anna gave a small nod. "I….I find following a routine helps."

"Good, very good," Mrs. Crawley told her. "But Mr. Bates says you still are not interacting with Ruby?"

Anna's body tensed. "Do you two often discuss me when I'm not around?"

Mrs. Crawley's lips tightened and she stepped closer to Anna.

"No, we do not. I saw him in the hallway and asked about you, Anna. We all want you better."

Anna turned the shoe within her hand. The pressure was mounting.

"I think it's time you try to interact with Ruby, Anna. Hold her, read her a story, sing her a song."

"I…." Anna hated how the words got jumbled within her throat, unable to come out. "I'm not ready. I….I can't."

"She's only going to grow bigger. She's here, Anna. She needs her mother."

She couldn't do this. Anna dropped the shoe onto the table and left the room, leaving Mrs. Crawley calling after her.

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

On the walk home, John noticed that Anna wasn't speaking to him. Their usual talks that had returned was gone. She was moving quickly, leaving him and Ruby behind. While he should be concerned, it only made him angrier.

They arrived at the cottage and Anna stood in the living room, her arms crossed against her chest. John knew that he needed to make Ruby a bottle and get her into the bed.

"Hold Ruby and I will make her a bottle," John said, as he attempted to hand Ruby to his wife. Anna stepped back, shaking her head.

"I'll make her bottle. I always make her bottle," she added.

"Hold your daughter," John said again. Anna stood taller, her hands curving into fists at her side.

"Why are you pressuring me?"

"She's your child, your daughter. You need to hold her. You need to try." He was doubling down now. It had been four months of being patient; he was growing weary.

"I am trying," Anna bit back. "I try every day!"

"Well, you are not trying hard enough!"

Anna met his eyes. Hurt and anger stared back at him. She deeply inhaled and exhaled, before grabbing the banister and quickly heading up the stairs.

To be continued...

One step forward, two steps back... But don't worry...we're getting closer to the end and I promise this story will have a happy ending :)