Thank you all :)

Chapter 20

John adjusted Ruby in his arms and began to follow Anna. He then paused himself on the stairs and sighed, resting against the banister. His hand ran over his face and he inhaled sharply. This wasn't right. He was being unfair. Anna was obviously still struggling and he was trying to force it to happen sooner than she was ready. Hadn't he promised her that he would be patient for her?

He turned and made his way back down the stairs to prepare Ruby's bottle for the evening. She was very tired, her head resting against his shoulder. He bounced her gently, as he waited for the water to warm and then decided to feed Ruby downstairs instead of in her nursery. He needed time to think over what had just happened.

When he got upstairs, he didn't know if Anna would still be angry or if she would shut him out. He worried his outburst was going to cause her to lose some of the progress they had made.

Life was so very different now. Of course, having a baby changed many things. But that wasn't what was different. Their relationship was different and it had been different since the snake attacked his wife. It changed her; it changed them. That moment in time would always be there and there was nothing that John could do to make it any different. But what he could do, was focus on how to bring them back together where they felt comfortable and free with each other.

Ruby fell asleep, puckering her lips to make the bottle fall. John placed the bottle on the table beside him and carried her up to her bed.

Reaching their bedroom, he found Anna sitting at the foot of the bed, pensive. Her knees were drawn up and her face was wet with tears. She glanced up at him, her lower lip trembling.

"I know I'm not good enough for you, John," she said, a shaky breath leaving her lips. "I wouldn't blame you if you took Ruby and left me. I…I am not what either of you need. You've been so patient and yet, we're still here. Everything is still shadowed."

His chest felt heavy at her words. Instead of saying something right away, he walked over to her and sat down. He brushed a stray hair off her cheek and shook his head.

"I am not going anywhere, Anna," he began. "I shouldn't have pressured you. I had promised to be patient and…"

"But I know it's my fault," Anna cried, tears streaming down her cheeks. "You should leave me. You do everything. I continually let you down."

"I'm not leaving," he strongly repeated. "I had a bad day and I snapped. I shouldn't have done that, Anna."

Anna wiped under her eyes with her fingers, before hugging her knees to her chest.

"I do try," she whispered. "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I do. Sometimes, I stand by Ruby's cradle and try to force myself to pick her up. But I can't do it. There is this invincible force that holds me down and makes me frightened and frozen. I don't understand it, John. I hate myself."

Those last three words made John's breath catch within his throat.

"Please don't say that about yourself."

"Why not? It's true. I'm not a good wife; I'm a horrible mother. What kind of mother can't even pick up their child?"

John inched closer to his wife and he cupped her chin with his hand, forcing her to look at him.

"Do you hate Ruby?"

"What?" Anna asked, her brows furrowing. "Of course not. She's an innocent baby, how could I hate her?"

John nodded, relieved. He wrapped his arms around Anna, pulling her tight against him.

"I can't fix this," he said, into her hair. "I wish that I could, Anna. But I think we just take it one day at a time."

"You could send me away," Anna said. His arms tightened around her. He knew what she was suggesting – send her to an institution where they locked her away from society and used experimental methods to 'heal' her.

"No," John disagreed. "Never."

"You might have to," Anna calmly replied. "If things don't get better soon, as Ruby gets older, you have to protect her over me. I…I'll understand."

"I won't do it. We'll figure it out. It will not come to that," John blinked hard, a tear slipping down his cheek.

Anna just remained calm. "It might."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

The two of them had the day off. Since Anna had suggested he send her away, John had been wondering what he could possibly do to make this better. He was not going to send her away. However, she had been right. Ruby would always come first. There had been some solace in her saying those words. It meant that even though she couldn't interact with Ruby, she did care about her.

John had finally come up with one plan. He was going to try to remind Anna of how they had been before all of this. A time when they had been truly happy. There would be no pressure today, no expectations. It was just to be a few hours about them.

He found her out back, sitting in the swing he had put out there soon after they moved into their cottage. Anna had always said she couldn't wait to swing their child there one day. But she was always on it. And he had always enjoyed watching her sit on it, her head resting on the rope, as she looked at the beautiful garden. In a moment like this, he could almost forget how hard everything had been.

"Anna," he finally said, clearing his throat. She glanced up.

"Yes?"

"I have a surprise.'

Anna knitted her brows, but she stood from her swing and walked toward John.

"A surprise?"

"Yes, we are going to go on a picnic," he told her.

"Right now?"

He chuckled. "Yes, right now."

"Ruby just went down for her nap," Anna disagreed. "If we wake her, she'll be grumpy."

John's head cocked to the side. It seemed Anna paid more attention to Ruby's moods and schedule than he had given her credit for. Maybe the connection was there. Maybe it just needed to be fostered in a different way.

"We aren't waking her," John replied. "I found a sitter."

"What? John, who have you found? Do we know them?" Anna seemed suddenly concerned that Ruby was going to be with just anyone.

"Of course," John replied. "Come on, he's here."

"He?"

They stepped inside to find Mr. Carson standing in the middle of the kitchen, glancing around.

"Mr. Carson?" Anna questioned, turning her eyes to John.

He did have to admit that it was an odd choice for the sitter for Ruby. But it had been Mrs. Hughes' suggestion. She was unable to make it down for the day, but she said she knew that Mr. Carson would be wonderful with Ruby for the few hours they were away.

"She's asleep and will be most of the time we are gone," John just said to Mr. Carson. "Her bottle is prepared, you'll just need to heat it. We will likely be back before it is needed though."

"No rush, Mr. Bates, you and Anna have a lovely time."

-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-X-

"But are you sure this is a good idea?" Anna was asking John, as he laid out the blanket by the pond and pointed for her to sit. She had been anxious the entire walk, asking how they would know that Ruby was going to be alright.

"She is fine," he assured her. It was the most he had ever heard her talking about Ruby. It all came from a concern. He guessed as long as Ruby was under his care or in the nursery, Anna felt Ruby was safe. But now that someone else had her, she worried. It was a nice change.

They sat down and Anna fixed her skirt around her.

"Do you think she's still sleeping?"

"Anna, she is fine," he repeated. He pulled the foods out of the basket. It had been brought by Mr. Carson and prepared by Ms. Patmore. This had been planned by him, but the others helped him execute this special day. He had realized the two of them hadn't done something special in a long while. They hadn't spent time as just the two of them. Everything had been about her healing and about the baby. Maybe this was just what she needed.

Finally, Anna seemed to calm. She happily grabbed the basket of grapes and pulled off a few to eat.

"This is nice," she admitted.

"It is," he agreed. He scooted closer to her. His hand brushed against hers. Anna twisted her hand so that it could fold inside of John's and she looked up at him and smiled. John's heart skipped a beat. It was a genuine smile. A real smile.

Anna ended up turning herself so that she was resting against John's chest, so they could watch the ducks in the pond. Anna kept throwing little crumbs for them to grab at, making her laugh. John's hand drew lazily against her arm. In this moment, there were no worries. It was just the two of them. They were not plagued by the darkness that had been tearing his wife apart. And for the first time in forever, she seemed truly free. He knew it might not last, but that perhaps more days like this would help her break completely away from that darkness. He refused to believe that he might need to send her away.

"Thank you," Anna said at the end of their picnic. She faced John, biting down on her lower lip. "I…I needed this." John smiled at her, running his hand along the curve of her jaw.

"I think I did too."

Anna bent forward, catching his lips with her own. He moaned, caught off guard, before deepening their kiss.

As they pulled apart, Anna rested her forehead against his. Their eyes met.

"I love you, John."

"Oh, my darling, I love you too."

To be continued...

Things are starting to brighten :)