Chapter 16: On the Road

Friday 15 May 1812 - Saturday 16 May 1812

Elizabeth finally understood her mother's nerves, although she refused to give into them. Her own emotions were jumping back and forth so violently she was not sure what to feel.

She was elated. She would spend tomorrow night in her own bedroom in Longbourn! She had only been gone for two months, but with so much happening, it seemed a lifetime. To spend a few nights in confidence with Jane, or as much confidence as they could now have, would be pure bliss. To sleep in her own bed—paradise!

She was tormented. Riding five hours in a carriage to London essentially alone with Mr. Darcy (Peeke sat as far as possible from the two and fell asleep immediately), spending the night at Mr. Darcy's home, then another five hours in the carriage tomorrow, although tomorrow would include the Gardiners and Miss Darcy. Then the same trip in reverse after Jane's wedding.

She now divided her life into time spent in her bedroom (most of the time Mr. Darcy would be there) and time spent outside of her bedroom (where Mr. Darcy remained his proud and haughty self), but this trip would once again upset that balance. She had to continue performing her duties while in Hertfordshire, but it certainly would not be in her room and they could not be done at night. They would meet in an unused hut in a discreet location in the early mornings. She could not help but fear being caught, as well as wonder at changing their usual time to one so early in the day.

Next to her in the carriage, Darcy felt nothing but torment. If he had married Elizabeth instead of Anne, this trip would be spent with her curled against him. They would be free to caress each other. There would be no maid to maintain propriety. In his Town home, they would retire together to share his bed. In Hertfordshire, his Netherfield host would assign them connecting rooms. There would be no fear of discovery, all they did would be expected.

But he was not married to Elizabeth. In the carriage, she sat a proper distance from him with her delectable fingers not entwined in his own. Peeke snoring in the corner. In his Town home, she was to occupy the room next to Georgiana on the floor below his, forcing him to sneak around his own home as a thief in the night. In Hertfordshire, he would be at Netherfield while she was at Longbourn. They had to risk discovery to continue their obligations.

The risk of discovery now particularly wore on him. When he insisted they attend the wedding, it all seemed so easy. Now, with the reality of the trip bearing down upon them, it seemed foolish. She was so happy when he said they would go, everything seemed possible with such warmth. If she expressed even a fraction of that joy in the carriage, he would be relieved of much of this worry. She did not. She sat silently either reading or staring out the window. He could not tell where her thoughts tended. Some moments he caught a tender smile, others a frown of concern.

They did manage a few brief conversations. During one, he learned more about her aunt and uncle in London. She obviously cared deeply for them. He told her he would send a message as soon as they arrived to arrange to pick them up the next day. She nodded as they went back to their silence.

~~~oo0oo~~~

Awed by the size and elegance of Mr. Darcy's Town home, Elizabeth silently followed the housekeeper to her room.

Georgiana joined Elizabeth in her room a few minutes later. "It is an honor to have you as my guest this evening," she curtseyed.

When Elizabeth looked surprised at her using such a formal greeting, Georgiana smiled. "Mrs. Annesley told me I had to welcome you properly. Did I do it correctly?"

Returning her young friend's smile, Elizabeth assured her the welcome was everything proper. Mrs. Annesley would be proud.

"I am sure you need to freshen up from such a long day of travel. My room is next to yours," she said pointing to the right. "Once you feel ready, knock on my door and I shall escort you to the sitting room." The young woman turned to leave, but pausing a moment, returned to face Elizabeth. "I know we have not known each other long, but I do look forward to our increased acquaintance. Anne has nothing but lovely things to say about you and I would dearly love to have such a friend also," she smiled earnestly at Elizabeth.

"I have heard nothing but lovely things about you as well," Elizabeth responded, discounting Wickham's statements as those of a bitter and jealous reprobate. "I also look forward to our increased acquaintance."

"I know my brother's invitation to accompany him to Hertfordshire was at your request after his wedding. I thank you for your consideration. I do miss him dearly," she said quietly.

Elizabeth lit up, so happy to help the appreciative girl. "I am so glad I could be of assistance. I will enjoy being in your company on the journey."

"I was disappointed to hear you would not be staying with us at Netherfield. I feel your company will be sorely missed, particularly as a buffer to… um… some of the other guests." The shy darling was so embarrassed, but Elizabeth knew who she meant.

"We will likely need more help preparing for the wedding and I frequently need help escaping my mother." Elizabeth smiled with assurance at her. "You are always welcome to spend your free time at Longbourn with my sisters and me," Elizabeth laughed. If forced into the constant company of Caroline Bingley for a week, Elizabeth would be desperate for an escape. She must give Miss Darcy some type of reprieve.

Georgiana brightened before she turned to exit. "I take your words as a promise. A promise I willingly accept. Expect me to be there often," and she returned to her room to wait for Miss Bennet's knock.

~~~oo0oo~~~

Having Georgiana as company made the evening bearable. Although shy, she felt more confident in Elizabeth's company due to the time they spent together at Rosings and Anne's strong recommendation of her compassionate nature.

Rather than have to suffer Mr. Darcy's disdain all evening, Elizabeth was able to ignore him and focus on learning more about his sister. Elizabeth discovered once Miss Darcy felt comfortable with someone, she turned into a veritable chatterbox. The young girl carried much of the conversation, with Elizabeth asking questions to maintain her level of excitement.

After dinner, Georgiana graced them with music until they decided to retire early. She escorted Elizabeth to her room, bidding her a heartfelt good night upon parting.

Elizabeth, being genuinely tired from her journey, wondered what time Mr. Darcy would arrive. His usual hour, before he began to spend the night in her bed, was eleven. Now they were in Town. People in Town kept later hours. Would he arrive at eleven or would there still be too many servants around? Miss Darcy may well be awake at such an hour. He would not visit until after his sister was asleep. Deciding it would be quite late before Mr. Darcy arrived, Elizabeth snuggled between the bedclothes and fell asleep knowing he would wake her when he was ready.

~~~oo0oo~~~

As the evening ended, Darcy had escorted the ladies to their landing, before retiring to his rooms. It had been a cozy evening with his sister and the woman he… How to finish? What was she? She was his lover, but not his mistress. Bearer of his heir, but not his wife. Spending their evening so comfortably had left his heart full. Separating for the night emptied it, leaving him with the acute feeling of loneliness for which there was only one balm.

He looked as the mantel clock struck ten o'clock. Upon their arrival, he instructed his servants to retire by eleven o'clock. He was fatigued from travel and would retire early.

Indulging in a glass of wine while he passed the time, he looked around his room. It felt like a lifetime ago when he was last here. Two months. It had been only two months ago when he left for Kent. He smiled remembering the last night he spent in this room. He spent it dreaming of doing a variety of salacious things with Elizabeth in that bed. Reflecting, he acknowledged he had spent the months from December to April dreaming of doing salacious things with her in his bed. As he indulged in the memories of the fantasies, he realized he had already done many while in Kent. He chuckled to himself. He had done more. He offered a private toast in appreciation of Aunt Margaret and her letter, lifting his glass in her praise.

Quarter after. Damn. This waiting was as bad as it was in Kent. If only his house had a secret stairway to her room! Frustrated at his inability to seek her out at will, he took a long drink from his glass. This is my house, I can wander it as I please, he thought, even while knowing he could not be seen entering her room.

The domestic evening had soothed his soul, this separation frustrated him. That frustration, combined with the now growing doubts and concerns about this venture into Hertfordshire, started to once again disturb his reason. During their visit he would only have a few minutes each day to spend with her, rather than all night.

His care for Elizabeth began to dawn in his mind. Beyond the creation of an heir, but the comfort and pleasure he received by being in her company, he knew he would have to be vigilant to keep from interacting with her in public lest he reveal himself, particularly on the five-hour carriage ride with her relatives and Georgiana. He cursed himself for his stupidity in succumbing to this damned journey.

He would go to her in—he looked at the clock—a half hour.

He began to think of the arrangement of the rooms below. How much noise carried through the walls? Would his sister hear him speaking to Elizabeth? Was the bed placed on the wall adjoining Georgiana's room? When did Georgiana go to sleep? He had no way to answer any of these questions from the chair in his room but he had to be certain that his younger sister would not hear any of their amorous activities.

Maybe he should bring her to his room instead? The image of having her corporeally in his bed rather than the phantasmal vision stirred a great need in him and firmed his resolve. He would check the servant's stairs on his way down, if they were dark, he would lead her to his room by them.

Having resolved to have her in his room tonight further fueled his frustration at waiting. He looked around his room, trying to calm his agitated spirits. It held tokens of the different phases of his life and his family history. There was his father's shaving kit that he now used while in Town. His favorite texts from university. A painting done by his mother. Furniture purchased by his grandfather and great-grandfather. Then a smile spread across his face as his eyes landed on Ben Key.

Moving across the room, he lifted Ben Key. It had always worked to soothe his spirits in the past. It worked for a bit, but his frustrations returned. Now he needed more. Ben Key was no longer enough.

He looked at the clock again. Quarter till. Close enough, he thought, as he threw Ben Key onto his pillow and he made his way to check the servant stairs.

~~~ooOoo~~~

To his relief, the upstairs servants had all retired. There was light coming from under Georgiana's door. Quietly moving to Elizabeth's door, he gently let himself in without knocking. She knew to expect him, there was no reason to knock. Her room was dark except the scant light from the gibbous moon.

"Elizabeth?" he whispered, moving around her room. He went to her bed—it was placed against the wall shared with Georgiana's room—and found her in slumber. Smiling, he knelt beside her. She was sleeping on what had become her accustomed side. He was tempted to crawl into the bed, but the vision of her in his bed kept him focused.

Gently stroking her cheek, he whispered again, "Elizabeth." She stirred a little but did not rouse.

He exhaled a quick breath of amusement. He stroked down her neck, watching her eyes for a reaction. When there was none, he loosened the top of her gown. Starting again, he went from her cheek to her breast until she finally fluttered her eyes. Leaning over to kiss away any noises of surprise or words she may have, he watched as her eyes became fully open. Pulling back, he motioned for her to be quiet, pointing at Georgiana's room.

She looked at him questioningly as he helped her out of the bed and led her to the far wall. Standing behind her and putting his mouth to her ear, he whispered his plan while running teasing fingers across her now bare décolletage. Entwining his hand with hers, he led her to his room, taking great care when he closed each door.

In getting her to his room, he focused only on maintaining silence. Once his door safely closed, he turned to see her standing between him and his bed. This is where she belonged.

Moving to hold her, he passionately breathed her name before joining his lips to hers. Once started, he was driven by desire. Not only those desires of lust, although they were certainly not weak, but also a desire to feel the peace her presence gave him.

He loosened the neck of her gown, dropping the encumbrance to the floor. As she stood unclothed before him, the moon now casting a halo about her form, he moved to touch and kiss every part of her.

Turning down the covers, he guided her into his bed, watching her lie back upon his pillows while he undressed. "I have dreamed of seeing you there," he whispered to her as he climbed onto her. She smiled up at him. Yes, yes. This is exactly what it should be like, he thought. She belonged in his bed, welcoming his advances toward her.

As he lay on top of her, she wrapped her legs around his waist playfully. "Dreamed of it, you say?"

"For so long…," but he could not keep his mouth from her to say more.

He was able to contain himself long enough to execute some of Aunt Margaret's suggestions, but once she experienced her pleasure he could not hold his back any longer.

In his resting position, he pulled her to him, continuing to kiss and fondle her. She reciprocated, but eventually pulled away enough to quietly ask him, "Do you dream of being here as an escape from Rosings Park?"

Raising a sleepy brow, he grinned. "I dream that also," he said as he pulled her back to him, tucking her head under his chin. The security of his own bed, combined with a few glasses of wine, made his word flow freely. "Since I have known you, I have dreamed what it would be like to have you in my bed."

If he had seen her face, he may have realized the effect of his careless words. Alas, with her head tucked under his chin he had no way to see the shocked and confused expression she wore. She could not formulate any witty retorts or impertinent questions, thus stayed quietly wrapped in his hold as he drifted to sleep.

While he dozed, she stretched out an arm under his neck and felt a ragged piece of fabric that seemed out of place among the fine linen bedclothes. Lifting it to further exam the strange material, a section dragged across Darcy's face causing him to wake. "Ummm," he turned his face into the ragged cloth then reached for it, pulling it to his face while Elizabeth put some distance between them.

"You found Ben Key," he said with a sleepy grin as he wrapped the tattered scrap of fabric around them both.

"Ben Key?" she asked confusedly.

He gave an impish grin that could have come from his five-year-old self. "It is what I called her. When my grandmother gave her to me, I was too young to pronounce it correctly and the name stuck. It was my comfort blanket when I was a babe, Ben Key."

He could feel her shaking, trying to control her mirth. "Do not laugh at Ben Key!" he playfully commanded. "She was my friend when I was all alone. Officially, I slept with her until I was maybe six. Really, I slept with her much longer. I even brought her to school, but managed to keep her hidden from my classmates. I became an expert at hiding her. I would sleep with her under my pillow at night and stow her every morning where none could find her. When I was upset, I could hold her, stroke her, rub her against my cheek. She would make everything feel better."

Elizabeth was doing a noble job containing her amusement. She had not burst in laughter yet, but was still shaking violently. "You," she choked. "You had a comfort blanket? (1) You still have it?"

He saw the tears glistening on her cheeks. He took Ben Key and wiped her mirthful tears away. "Ben Key makes everything better, even wiping your tears away," he joked as he kissed the tip of her nose. She may be amused at the idea of such a serious man, as he was known to be, with his baby blanket, but she was not ridiculing him for it. He knew she would not. She was not cruel. He could not say the same for the other ladies he knew.

Turning her mirth into a way of learning more about her, he asked with all honesty, "You never had something soft to comfort you as a child?"

Regaining her composure, Elizabeth confessed she had a rag doll she used to carry everywhere as a girl. "I put it away so long ago, I do not think I have seen it since I was ten. Lydia tried to add my doll to her collection, so I stowed her, then claimed I could no longer find her."

"What did you call her?"

"Raggedy. That's what my grandmother called her while she made her for me. Raggedy Doll."

Darcy smiled, kissing her forehead. "Which grandmother?"

"Grandmama Bennet. She lived with us when I was small. She died shortly after my youngest sister was born." Elizabeth considered, "What about you? Which grandmother gave you Ben Key?"

"Grandmother Darcy. She would read and sing to me, and told me bedtime stories every night. She always had time for me. The fabric is from one of her gowns. It ripped while we were playing, so she cut it up for me to keep. I was two. She died when I was seven. She taught me how to hide Ben Key so I could continue sleeping with her." Pausing for a moment, he avowed, "All children should have indulgent grandmothers."

Elizabeth agreed. He again pulled her close, touching as much of her with as much of him as possible. At that moment, he needed to be in contact with her. Opening his soul, telling her one of his most closely held secrets, the one his father would have called a failing, was more intimate than coupling. She had not rejected him. Instead, she told him about Raggedy.

He had questioned, he had doubted, he had made excuses. All were wiped away by his beloved Ben Key. He now admitted to himself that adored this woman who did not condemn his weakness.

He wrapped Ben Key around her and began caressing her once again. The intimacy he now felt with her fueled a need in Darcy for even more physical intimacy throughout the night. As the sun started peeking above the horizon, Darcy entangled himself with her once again. "I find Ben Key does not work so well after nights with you, Elizabeth.

~~~oo0oo~~~

Elizabeth lay in Mr. Darcy's arms awash in confusion.

When he woke her the night before, she had expected their encounter. To her surprise, he decided they must remove to his room to protect his sister. Why had he put her in the room next to his sister if it posed a risk? He snuck her into the servant stairs in the dark like some trollop. Once concealed in his room, he turned into someone she had never before known.

At first he spoke of dreaming of home. She thought he was simply missing his home and tired of Lady Catherine's demands. She felt much the same way. Then he spoke of her being in his bed since he first met her? But such a thing could not be. He openly mocked her while in Hertfordshire, how could he want such a woman in his bed? She held her silence, not trusting any words she may say at the time.

Then she found the ragged cloth, his Ben Key. If she had not had the physical evidence of his manhood firmly pressed upon her, she would have sworn she was lying with a juvenile boy. The prideful, arrogant Mr. Darcy had kept his comfort blanket! He kept it while he was in school, so he must have been beyond twelve and still sleeping with it! Such a weakness in such a great man, and for him to share that weakness to her. What could it mean?

She, of course, would never break his confidence over this, but she could not help but open a piece of her heart to the man. The same heart she consciously kept from him. In her room, she thought frequently on his disgust of her outside the wing. It kept her from confusing the two faces of the man.

Mr. Darcy being much older than his sister would have made him the only child of the exalted family of the estate, thus he must have had few playmates. Elizabeth looked at his now sleeping face. He looked younger, although the scruff of a beard kept him from looking boyish. To grow up so alone that a scrap of fabric must stand in as companion, Elizabeth choked back tears for the lonely boy he must have been.

She had tried to sketch his character, deciding he displayed traits most suited to achieve his ends at any particular moment. In her room, he displayed traits of an attentive lover so he could produce his heir. Out of her room, he displayed the traits of a haughty man of the bon ton while he surveyed the latest addition to his wealth. The trait he showed her now only served to show his humanity, it produced no gain. How did this work into her character sketch?

He was a flawed person, he admitted it at Netherfield, but she would never have dreamed it would include something like this. How long he used Ben Key for comfort. It was on his pillow last night. Could it be that such a man would still seek comfort from a scrap of fabric? She thought it odd he wrapped her in the fabric then proceeded to couple with her twice more before telling her the fabric no longer worked for him.

Certainly, this was not something others knew! He said he had hidden the scrap of fabric from his classmates. She may be the only other person with this information. She again vowed to never betray this confidence.

As she lay watching him sleep, a few more immediate concerns distracted her. First, she must find the necessary room, and then she must return to her room before servants started moving about. She extracted herself from him, on an expedition to solve her most pressing problem. Quietly opening doors, she found his dressing room (thankfully his valet had not arrived yet), an attached bedroom (the dusty mistresses' chambers, she embarrassedly realized), until she finally found what she was looking for. Once she finished, she realized the chamber pot now held evidence of their encounters. She would have to warn Mr. Darcy before going to her chambers. She found her nightclothes, redressing before returning to his bed.

As she climbed next to him, he reached out and pulled her in. Cocking an eye, he looked down at her. "Why do you have clothes on?"

"Sir, I need to return before your servants start their duties."

Lifting to look at the mantel clock, "It's five-thirty," he said, pulling her close again. "They will not be up until nine. We have more time."

"Sir, I did not think of it, assuming Peeke would care for my chamber during my stay, but there is much evidence of last night. Your sheets, the … chamber pot," as she grimaced.

Mr. Darcy chuckled. "My servants know my habits and are discreet. I do not visit brothels or keep women. I must have some release from time to time." Shocked at this new information, she was left with no option but to trust Mr. Darcy. Pulling her back tightly against his stomach, he buried his face in her hair. "Rest dear, we have a long day ahead of us. You do not have to leave before eight."

She could hear his rhythmic breathing as he drifted off to slumber and she soon followed.

~~~oo0oo~~~

The Darcy carriage made its way to Gracechurch street to retrieve Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner for the journey to Meryton. The trip was uneventful, the Gardiners happily chatting with Elizabeth and Georgiana. Mr. Gardiner tried to bring Mr. Darcy into the conversation, but Mr. Darcy gave only the briefest of answers. Elizabeth would say he bordered on being rude but decided his treatment of her kind uncle went well beyond the border. So at odds with the man he was that morning.

Elizabeth was relieved when they finally pulled into Meryton. Anxious to see home again, she regaled Georgiana with more information about her sisters and the things she loved the most about Longbourn.

Seeing her family lined up to greet the arrival of their party, Elizabeth warned Georgiana, "They can be exuberant. They are a harmless bunch, but can be a bit much for those unaccustomed to large families." The Gardiners vouched the same.

Mr. Darcy remained with the carriage, overlooking the scene with scorn while Mr. Bennet, now much recovered from his fall, embraced his favorite daughter. "My little Lizzy has come home to grant me a brief amnesty. I should not have instructed you to stay in Kent during my injury, I much regret it now. I thought it amusing for you to return with the details of Collins' follies over not inheriting, I never intended for you to stay so long."

Mrs. Bennet's enthusiasm overflowed at the return of her second eldest and the upcoming end of the entail. Jane gave a proper greeting, but a squeeze of her hands indicated their night would be full of shared confidences. Mary quietly greeted her, assuring her happiness at her sister's return. Kitty and Lydia were both more lively than proper, asking about Rosings Park and the fine gentlemen she must be meeting while staying there.

Elizabeth introduced Miss Darcy to her family. Mrs. Bennet immediately invited the girl to tea the next day, which was gladly accepted.

The Gardiners received their usual welcome. The travelers' trunks were unpacked, and the remainder of the party continued on to Netherfield Park.

When the Longbourn party gathered after refreshing from the journey, there were many tales to tell for the evening. Tales of Mr. Bennet's injury and fortuitous recovery. Tales of Jane's betrothal and upcoming marriage. Tales of Kitty and Lydia's woe at being forbidden from keeping the company of the officers. Tales of Lizzy's being the salvation of the family. Tales of the journey from London in the fine carriage with the lovely girl and her silent brother.

When they finally retired for the evening, Elizabeth was exhausted from having been up most of the night before with no ability to rest in the carriage. When Jane snuggled under the covers with Elizabeth to share confidences, Elizabeth forced herself to stay alert.

"I have never known such joy!" Jane gushed. "The only way I could feel more is if you were also sharing such happiness!"

Elizabeth smiled. For her sister's joy alone, she might have agreed to her current situation. Grasping her sister's hands, Elizabeth replied, "You deserve nothing less. I am so happy I can be with you for this."

"It was lovely of Anne to allow you to come. Was it awful traveling with her husband?"

Hearing Mr. Darcy called Anne's husband struck Elizabeth. Living in the isolation of Rosings Park and Anne's detachment from the man, Elizabeth did not view him as Anne's husband. Now rejoined to the greater world, she would have to face the fact that she was lying with another woman's husband, even though it was at the wife's request.

"I just read or look out the windows. He sits and says little. Peeke traveled with us, so it is not as if I am stuck with him alone." Lizzy felt that would answer well enough.

Stroking her sister's forehead, Jane asked, "How are you really? You look so fatigued tonight. I cannot help but be concerned for you."

Lizzy reassured her sister. "It is not so bad as I thought. Charlotte visits most every day. I have many lovely trails to walk. Anne is a friend," hesitating a moment before deciding to confide in her sister, "although, there is something odd about her. I have no words to describe it. I wonder if it is because she has been forced to be alone for so long or if it is something else."

"I easily believe being alone for long periods would make one act odd. You are a blessing for her just as she is a blessing for us."

Jane continued believing the best in Anne and Lady Catherine, but Lizzy's eyelids refused to remain open. Jane frowned at her sister falling asleep so quickly. She expected to spend a few hours sharing secrets with her most trusted sister. Attributing it to the fatigue of two days travel, Jane turned to let her younger sister rest.

~~~oo0oo~~~

(1) I looked up security blankets to see what they would be called at that time, but couldn't find any references. One article did talk about people considering security blankets to start with the Peanuts cartoons, but they really started in the 1920s when people would cut blankets down for baby beds. There is no way kids, particularly wealthy kids whose parents could easily afford it and who often didn't see much of their children when they were small, didn't have security things back in the early 1800s. That is a primal thing for many little kids who have access to one, not something that just started in the 1920s.

Note: I did look up the phases of the moons - so gibbous is the correct phase of the moon at that time. Also, if you notice I usually mention family members by order: Mr. Bennet, Mrs. Bennet, Jane, Mary, Kitty, Lydia. I'm following Jane Austen's lead as they would be ranked that way.

Additionally, the term "two-faced" has been in use since the 1600s.