How I Failed To Avoid The Plot Chapter 18: Episode 18: How Not to Ship, a rwby fanfic

Hey all! Time for yet another chapter into the craziness that is Chris's life!

Honestly didn't think I'd have a chance to write so soon since I entered college, but it appears like I was worried about not writing anything over nothing. And as a bonus it only took me a month to write this one!

But anyway that's all I have to say for now so let's get things rolling! It's show time!

}Episode 18: How Not to Ship{

It was a simple, easy, and above all effective plan I had come up with to cheer up Jaune and keep Nora from breaking my legs prematurely. Also, if it worked, there was the possibility of the S.S. Arkos sailing before ashy death and sadness happened. It was the perfect plan, with zero to no flaws…which is why I should have realized there was no way it was going to work.

I've told you all how I constantly come up with back-up plans and back-up back-up plans due to my practicality and paranoia, and this one was no different. Yet sadly, none of those back-up plans would ever see the light of day, because seriously, I could never have planned for what happened.

But you know what they say about hindsight, it's a bitch and it tends to cause pain to all those who use it.

…

Okay maybe it only causes pain to me but that's beside the point!

Anyway, after I had relayed my brilliant plan to Nora and told her what she had to do for it we went our separate ways since I still needed to clean out the Disposery and Nora…well she probably had classes or something like that.

So, after making up an excuse as to why I was late to help clean the Disposery to Yang and Emerald (and ignored all the tag-team teasing they did), I started making the doomed back-up plans. And maybe it's a blessing some of them weren't used. I had one which entailed locking Jaune in the same room with Goodwitch to scare him straight, but thankfully we didn't have to go that far.

But yeah, after doing my punishment for the day I made up another excuse before I ran off to meet up with Nora to nail down the plan. Once we all understood our parts, we separated again to complete our tasks.

And I know what you're all thinking, that shit went sideways because I let her run off on her own without supervision. That wasn't the case surprisingly, but I can't fault you all for thinking that. That girl is a natural disaster when left unsupervised. There's a reason why the show always had Ren near her whenever she was on screen, and it was not just because Rooster Teeth liked trolling shippers with more ammo.

So yeah, it wasn't her that ended up throwing out all of my hard thought out pla-What? What do you mean I've been going on and on about the plan but haven't actually explained it yet?

…

You sure? I could have sworn that I….ah well whatever, it's easy enough to grasp.

All me and Nora had to do was trick Jaune and Pyrrha onto the roof of the dorms and force them to talk it out until either Jaune snapped out of his funk or got thrown off the roof.

And before any of you ask, that was not in my original plan. Nora demanded she add in something herself since she didn't, and I quote, 'want to be left out on the super sneaky plan making!' It didn't help that she busted out the puppy dog eyes when begging, which only the truly heartless and evil can resist.

So in order to enact our plan, I sent her as a distraction to get Pyrrha and Ren away from Jaune for a while. While she was doing that I would go secure the roof before getting him up there.

By secure, I of course mean making sure we could actually get up there without any complications. I know Jaune and Pyrrha got onto the roof just fine in the show, but I didn't want to risk anything, plus with all my meddling, that scenario might not play out the same way. Hell Cinder Fall was a teacher here and Emerald was in disguise and my friend, so excuse me for wanting to be thorough.

Case in point, when I had gone to the roof entrance, the door was locked. It made sense since giving a bunch of super-powered hormonal teenagers access to a private location probably wasn't the best of ideas.

Now I know you're all probably thinking how a janitor should have access to the roof, and you'd be right, but well you see since I tended to well…blow up things on a regular basis (both on purpose and on accident) Goodwitch saw to it that I had no access to areas where explosions could cause major damage to the students.

You'd think that would mean everywhere on campus, but surprisingly the only areas I was banned from were the roofs and the basement. Of course I knew there was a whole other reason why going to the basement wasn't aloud, but I digress.

Thankfully my paranoia had factored in the possibility of a locked roof door, so I already knew what I had to do, even if I really really didn't want to. It wasn't illegal or anything, far from it, it's just that, well, it was bad for my health to say the least. You see I knew only one person who could give me access to the roof, and that person had been acting a little…off those past two weeks. So I was a little hesitant to go to them for help.

But my drive to help Jaune (Read: fix my mess/not get legs broken) was strong, and as proof of that I bravely made my way to a place I feared the most!

What place you ask? Why, Goodwitch's office of course!

…

Enough with the laughing already! That woman had been giving me strained smiles all of a sudden after weeks of frowning at my mere presence! For all I knew she had some dirt on me and was waiting for the perfect opportunity to decrease my paycheck…again!

The only reason I even went to her instead of another janitor was because I suspected she'd told them never to give me access to anywhere without her approval. Now that may sound very childish on my part for thinking that, but what other reason could explain why every janitor at the school, (aside from Zatanna) always backed away from me?

…

What's with the looks? Ah whatever, you all get my point.

Still, I managed to keep my fear from showing as I bravely entered her office with a smile that didn't scream 'oh god don't take my money!'

}Line Break{

No matter how many times I entered Goodwitch's office, which was a lot, I could never get my mind around how…normal and plain it was.

I mean can you really blame me? Considering how every other faculty member in Beacon had some sort of crazy addition to their parts of the building you'd think so would Goodwitch. I mean Port had that creepy ass golden statute of himself, Ozpin's entire office was the inside of a clock, and I'm pretty sure Oobleck had some sort of coffee shrine stashed somewhere in the building.

All the staff had crazy add-ons to the building, yet Goodwitch's office was just your average vice-principle office. Though, having a normal looking place in a world surrounded by the abnormal was a blessing for me, even if I could never get used to it.

Anyway, I had entered Goodwitch's office and saw how she was knee-deep in every adult's worse fear…paperwork!

There is no truer hell known to man than paperwork, as it sucks your very soul out from you as you work on it. It's so boring that even if you enjoy it, for some god awful reason, time seems to move at a snail's pace as you work. No matter how much you seem to finish, the pile never lessens, in fact if you pay attention you'd see that the stack actually increases the more you go.

Fear paperwork, and pray to God you never get a job that involves doing it!

Ahem, the terror of paperwork aside, the fact that Goodwitch was so focused on it meant she didn't notice me coming in.

Geeze I know you take your job super seriously and papers are soul sucking and all, but you'd think a Huntress like Goodwitch would still be able to notice someone entering her office…Maybe if Cinder's busy with her own work I'd be able to sneak into her office while she was still there.

That little fantasy lasted all of two seconds before it was squashed and thrown out the window by my self-preservation skills and common sense.

Besides, knowing her, she'd blast me first before I even finished knocking on her door. Plus the place is probably bugged so she can see if anyone's snooping around anyway.

Pushing those thoughts aside, I decided to get Goodwitch's attention with the age-old technique of faking a cough into my fist. I had to do it a good couple of times as she was so invested though.

When she finally looked up from her paperwork to my surprise she didn't give me one of those creepy ass smiles.

Okay…back to basics with the frowning I see. Wonder what happened…eh probably not that important. Focus on the mission now and worry about this later.

"Ah Mr. Sullivan, to what do I owe the pleasure? I haven't gotten any reports of property damage or student endangerment so I can't help but wonder why you're here."

Oh great, she's teasing me. I wonder who the hell pissed her off so badly today? Judging by all the paperwork I'd say…Ozpin, I winced.

And while it sounded more passive aggressive, believe me, she was teasing me, and that was bad news. I'd found out that she only did so in that tone to people who royally pissed her off, which more often than not was Ozpin after making some big budget decision without her knowledge.

And the only reason I knew what that sounded like is because I was wandering the vents and overheard their little spat.

…

Okay, I say wander, but in actuality I'd gotten lost after cleaning them out and was trying not to let anyone know. Those things are a freaking maze!

But yeah, because of my escapade, I'd learned that Goodwitch Teasing = Tread Carefully. So with a nervous cough I said,

"Oh nothing much, just dropped by to ask you something, but if you're busy I can just ask you later."

Or just sneak into your office when you leave.

Goodwitch sighed before she put down her paperwork.

"As much as I would love to continue working on Beacon's newest…coffee budget I do believe I can take a break to answer your question. What is it that you need Mr. Sullivan?"

Oh yeah, definitely Ozpin who pissed her off. Still can't believe the school actually has a budget for coffee. Figured that was only in comedy stories…

"Well you see Ms. Goodwitch, funny story, you see I might have accident-"

Before I could even begin to spin a tale to try and convince Goodwitch to give me the dormitory rooftop keys she held up her hand in interruption and sighed.

"Mr. Sullivan, unless this 'accident' involves some sort of property damage or could harm the schools image I don't want to hear about it."

I had to hold myself back from twitching at Goodwitch's dismissive tone.

Hey what's with the tone!? What if this accident I was going to tell you about was super serious like Grimm attacking or something!? Don't be so dismissive damn it!

Goodwitch took my silence, and no doubt my annoyed face as my answer and went back to her paperwork.

"Well Mr. Sullivan unless you have anything else to say I have work to do. So if you don't mind please exi-"

"Wait wait hold on," I interrupted as I waved my arms back and forth in exasperation, "I just need access to the dormitory rooftops!" To that she looked at me with a raised brow.

"And why do you need access to an area where I specifically told you you were not allowed to go to, under any circumstance I might add?"

"We-well you see," I gulped nervously, "I saw some students up there the other day having some sort of party. And well, I highly doubt they've bothered to clean up after it was done so I wanted to go up there and take care of it."

If possible Goodwitch's brow rose even higher

"And why am I only finding out about this now? Or better yet why didn't you try to get the students to relocate to a different area for their 'party'?" she asked in annoyed disbelief.

"Well you see I did try and get their attention, but they acted like they couldn't hear me and kept going," I lied expertly. "And I didn't tell you yesterday because I'd just finished cleaning the Disposery when I saw them and I was pretty tired so…"

There was a few moments of silence as my totally believable story trailed off before Goodwitch pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed again.

"Thank you for bringing this to my attention, despite the long delay in doing so. I'll make sure to contact one of the cleaners in the dorms to take care of i-"

"NO!"

Goodwitch's head actually snapped back in shock at my sudden outburst before it was quickly replaced with her usual annoyed scowl.

"And what, pray tell, seems to be the problem with that course of action Mr. Sullivan?"

I started to stutter nervously as I noticed the glint in Goodwitch's eye that indicated she had just trapped her pray and was going in for the kill. In that moment, I knew that she knew my story was pure BS. For the life of me, I can't effectively lie to that woman. It's like telling an angry guard dog you don't have any treats despite having two handfuls of bacon in your pocket, it's always doomed to fail.

My lies to her in the past never worked, but I still hadn't learned my lesson despite the pain. It was more emotional and mental pain really, but I knew it was only a matter of time before the Riding Crop would be unleashed…that thing still scares me more than any Grimm can ever hope to try.

So yeah, babbling like an idiot despite knowing the jig was up, I mumbled out the first thing that came to mind.

"Th-there's nothing wrong with sending another janitor to take care of, nothing at all! I just figured, well, since I was the one to report it shouldn't I be the one who should take care of it? You know a janitor's responsibility and all that? Heh Heh Heh…"

Suffice to say, she was not convinced.

"Look Mr. Sullivan as much as I enjoy your little…outbursts I have work to do. So unless you're willing to tell me the actual reason you need access to the dormitory rooftop I suggest you leave before I decide to take drastic measures."

She then proceeded to glare at me with her trademarked icy stare, which pretty much kicked any and all confidence I had out of my system.

I swear if I didn't know who Cinder really was I'd say Goodwitch was the scariest woman in all of Beacon. But I can't leave empty handed! The only other way through that damned door is explosives and I'm NOT losing another paycheck!

Through fear and a hint of determination, I did the only thing I could to save my hide. I came clean.

"Okay Ms. Goodwitch, you caught me. The reason I need access to the dormitory rooftop is…"

I proceeded to tell Goodwitch everything about my plan with Nora and what was going on with Jaune. Of course I held back on some details in order to avoid future complications, such as how Nora kidnapped me with the threat of torture, and how I helped Jaune cheat his way to victory over Cardin, or how it was my fault that Jaune was in his slump in the first place and why his grades were so low, or how Pyrrah was involved…

…

Actually now that I think about it I didn't really tell her anything. I told her how Jaune was in a slump and how Nora had asked me to help her leader feel better. Huh, no wonder she looked blankly at me, the rooftop didn't factor into my explanation at all.

"So…" she replied dryly. "You were asked by Ms. Valkyrie to help cheer up Mr. Arc and this 'plan' you came up with to do so involves the use of the dormitory roof?"

"Uh…yeah that's pretty much it," I nodded nervously. "Trust me the rooftop is key to cheering the Arc kid up, and you have my word that there won't be any explosions or property damage this time!"

My confident tone didn't change Goodwitch's expression, if anything her face got even blanker then it already was.

Come on emote or something! I feel like I'm facing my execution here so the least you can do is emote you-ack!

Goodwitch's brow twitched in annoyance before her cold glare returned with a vengeance before I could even finish that thought.

Don't think insulting thoughts! She's a mind reader I tell you! A Mind Reader!

Ignorant to my thoughts (at least I prayed she was) Goodwitch replied to me in an even tone as she started to mess around with one of her desk drawers.

"Tell me Mr. Sullivan, why are you helping Ms. Valkyrie? From what I understand your relationship with the students is less then desirable on both sides, and the only students you even remotely interact with are Miss. Xiao Young and Miss. Rose."

"Well…I mean-"

Goodwitch didn't even wait for me to make an excuse.

"Not to mention the fact that your job is to clean up the school, not solve the student's personal problems. Going out of your way to help a random student just doesn't make sense given your history with them."

It was barely noticeable, but I was able to detect just the smallest amount of accusation in Goodwitch's tone as she continued to speak.

Oh no, my eyes widened slightly I suddenly have a very bad feeling about where this is going.

"So that just begs the question, why exactly would you help these students? Or to put it in better terms, what exactly is your angle for helping them?" she asked with her harsher inquisitive glare.

Aw Shit I was right! I mentally panicked.

Now normally her being hostile towards me would be business as usual. I know I'd be mad having to talk to some not-hobo who kept blowing stuff up, but this was different. She was suspicious of me because my fear of the student body seemed to contradict what I was requesting. And what was I requesting from her point of view? To help out the leader of a team whose heaviest hitter was a Fall Maiden candidate. Who wouldn't raise an eyebrow at that?

She thinks I'm a Salem Agent! Son of a Bitch! This is all your fault Nora!

I mean I can see the logic Goodwitch was working with, I wasn't exactly the pinnacle of goodness during my short employment, but just because I understood her reasoning didn't mean the accusation in her eyes didn't piss me off.

She had been treating me decently well those past couple of weeks during my punishment, and yet suddenly she was back to hostility thinking I was a threat to her students!

I mean yeah I blew up a bunch of stuff and did put them in danger, but that wasn't intentional...Mostly…

Regardless, I was still pissed over her thinking I would hurt JNPR in some way, but I managed to not blow up thankfully. If I had, I probably wouldn't be here today telling you this tale. Instead I took a deep breath and said,

"Look, I'm not working an angle on Jaune or anything, I just feel bad for the kid so I figured I might as well help out. And yeah I don't get along with the students as a whole but that's not gonna stop me from helping them if they ask for it."

Goodwitch simply raised a brow at my claim, which only caused me to growl in annoyance before I said,

"Look, I know what the kid's going through alright? Right now he feels like he can't do anything right, that he's just some screw up who doesn't deserve to be where he is because he made a few mistakes!"

My fist started clenching as unwanted memories started to surface, but I managed to push them back down as I continued,

"That miserable feeling of feeling like a failure…it sucks. It sucks a whole lot, and I wouldn't put my worst enemy through it."

With anger powering my confidence I actually managed to give a steely glare at Goodwitch.

"So no Ms. Goodwitch, I have no shady motive for helping the Arc kid out of his funk. I just feel like it's my responsibility to help him feel better since I know what he's going through. That's all, really."

I still mean every word I said to this day. Feeling like you're a complete and utter failure is the worst kind of state someone can have. It makes you feel like no matter what you do it won't amount to anything, and even if people say otherwise you still feel like you've messed up somehow. It is nowhere near a pleasant feeling, and it hurts.

And really, it was my responsibility because of my interference in failing to avoid the plot, so I had to make it right somehow, regardless of Nora putting me in a wheelchair or not.

Anyway, after all that Goodwitch and I had a little stare down for a couple of moments that felt like hours. There was no emotion on her face as she silently judged me, and the longer the stare off lasted the more I felt my previous anger dissipate, along with the confidence boost it provided.

Shit! She didn't buy it! I began to sweat profusely. She's going to whip me black and blue and turn me over to Ozpin! I don't work for Salem! I-

She suddenly reached under her desk and grabbed something.

"OH GOD! I'M SORRY! PLEASE NOT THE FACE!" I reacted accordingly as I crouched down, closed my eyes, and threw my arms up in order to protect myself from the oncoming whip strikes.

And I totally didn't shriek like a little girl no matter what anyone says. I let out a very manly shriek that just so happened to be a few octaves higher than my usual tone.

…

Alright alright enough with the looks, sheesh…

Anyway, after a few moments I realized that I wasn't in any pain nor did I hear anything flying towards me to cause me said pain. So taking my chances I lowered my arms and opened my eyes to see…

The dormitory rooftop key in Goodwitch's hand as she looked at my cowering form in…I want to say bemusement? I'm not quite sure what emotion she was going for as she still looked stern, but it seemed softer somehow if that makes any sense.

"Mr. Sullivan, please stand up and be presentable," she commanded.

"Yes ma'am," I nodded and stood at attention as if I was in the military.

"That's better," she nodded as she set the key down and slid it across the desk towards me.

"Looks like I was worried over nothing. Sorry about my earlier tone Mr. Sullivan, I just needed to confirm something and it looks like I was wrong…surprisingly."

Confirm what? I pondered, not able to keep the confusion off my face. And since when does Glynda Goodwitch ever apologize!? The hell's going on!?

She of course noticed my confusion as, and believe me when I say this, she chuckled.

Glynda 'Super Strict' Goodwitch, chuckled like a normal person.

Wha…what the hell!? She never laughs! How badly did I screw up the timeline to make this a thing? And it's not all dry or scary, it's actually cute sounding?! What the hell did I do?!

Yeah, my brain pretty much shut down at seeing a sight even rarer than Bigfoot, but oblivious to my mental turmoil, she continued.

"It's nice to know that despite your apprehension around them, and your destructive behavior that you do have their best interests at heart," she smiled. "Going above and beyond your station to help a young mind…it reminds me of when I first started teaching."

Wait what? THIS reminds you of your first days of teaching? Seriously? What kind of back story do you have you scary lady?!

Despite my fan side wanting more answers to this confusing scenario, I decided that it was best to cut tail and run before my brain fried. I still had a teenager to cheer up, and a crazy genki girl threatening my kneecaps, so I nodded and grabbed the key and started towards her door. As I was opening it I started to say,

"Well, thanks for the key Ms. Goodwitch! I promise you won't regret it-"

"Oh my, what do we have going on here? Such a surprise to see you here Mr. Sullivan," came Jessica Nigri's sultry voice.

Any and all words died in my throat as on the other side of the door was the most dangerous person in the school, and that was saying something. Yep, that person was the one and only Cinder Fall with her usual sly smile.

No burning there's a witness. No burning there's a witness. Get out of here now! My fight or flight response thundered in my brain, but fear and surprise caused my feet to feel like cinderblocks. The only movement I could accomplish was stepping out of her way as she stepped inside.

"Ah Professor Fall, is there something I can help you with?" asked Goodwitch, who either didn't notice or didn't care that the blood had drained from my face.

Cinder just shook her head, in a borderline evil way may I add, before she said,

"Now Glynda," Cinder chuckled evilly because everything she did was evil, "Why so formal? We've known each other for years,"

Goodwitch's lip twitched slightly upward before she said,

"Yes, but be that as it may, we are on the clock. Professionalism is key after all Cinder."

They're on first name basis and friends? I shook with the implications of that revelation. What is even my life at this point?

"Yes yes, I know," Cinder rolled her eyes playfully (evilly), "Now I wasn't interrupting anything important I hope?" she pointed a thumb at me as if she knew something that I didn't.

"No, it wasn't anything important," Goodwitch dismissed. "Mr. Sullivan was just informing me of a situation that I believe he should be handling right about now?" she informed while giving me a pointed knowing look.

Seeing my chance to escape, and mentally thanking Goodwitch over and over again, I nodded my head and stuttered out,

"R-right! Thank you for your time Ms. Goodwitch, and ha-have a pleasant day Ms. F-Fall!"

And with that I boldly fled the scene, grabbed my cart and made a beeline for the exit of the building. As I did, I heard that evil pyromaniac speak from the other side of the door.

"Well, at least he's showing proper respect now instead of slinging around derogatory names."

What is wrong with Cindy? It's just a nickname I stuttered while nervous! Why are you still on my ass?!

The answer, while obvious in hindsight, wouldn't reveal itself to me until much much later sadly. Could've avoided so many problems if I'd known then…ugh.

}Line Break{

So after my escape from Goodwitch's office I made my way over to the dormitory rooftop entrance and unlocked it. Thankfully the plan was still on schedule, even with my little detour to spooky town.

After checking out the roof to make sure there wasn't any issues, such as pitfalls or sneaky ninja catgirls, I made my way over to the student lockers to find everyone's favorite audience insert. Nora had already dragged Pyrrha and Ren off to the library and would keep them there until I gave her the signal via scroll, so I had no trouble finding him exactly where I expected him to be, sulking next to his locker.

Yeesh man. With that attitude all you need is a literal storm cloud above your head, I thought in pity.

Thankfully we were mostly by ourselves in the hallway, which made sense because one who is down in the dumps tends to drag their feet. Steeling myself for an inevitable afterschool special pep talk, I approached him in the most subtle way I could.

"Hey, aren't you the kid who froze that lab table awhile back?"

Like I said, the most subtle way.

"Huh?" The boy tensed at my question, but once he looked up and saw me, he relaxed slightly.

"Oh, it's just you Hobo Janitor," he sighed.

"Once again, not a hobo," I deadpanned with a twitching eye. "Just because my hair and beard are out of control and I don't own any property doesn't mean anything."

Much to my surprise Jaune just chuckled hollowly at my comeback.

"Alright, sure, and I'm a great Hunter-in-Training and team leader. And yeah, I'm the vomit boy that froze that table."

Whoa…did not expect the angst right off the bat. Figured we'd awkwardly build up to it…ah well I can work with this.

Making sure not to speak for a few moments to let the awkward tension settle I gave a fake cough before I said,

"So a little birdie told me you were down in the dumps, and that it may have sorta been my fault. Mind talking about that for a bit?" That got a reaction out of him.

"Wh-what? Wh-who told you that?" he demanded a bit surprised. "I-I'm perfectly fine, see? I'm just good ol'Jaune Arc, team leader of JNPR and the loveable goofball! Heh heh hehe…"

He proceeded to give the fakest smile I've ever seen to "prove his point." Hell, Arnold's smile in Terminator 2 was way more convincing.

"Uh-huh," I monotoned as I decided to get right to the heart of the problem. "Look kid, if you think I'm going to apologize for helping you back then prepare to be disappointed."

He dropped the fake smile in favor of confusion at that.

"Huh, what do you me-"

I put my hand up cutting him off before I sternly said,

"I'm not apologizing for helping you against Cardin. He was being a prick and needed to be taught a lesson. Nor will I take back what I said at the cafeteria, I meant every word of it."

"I didn't think you would because I know you were right," Jaune relented sulkily. "What kind of leader am I that I always have to rely on others to achieve anything? I already know that answer, it makes me a pat-"

"A developing one, and a good one at that."

"Huh?" he uttered out in shock.

"Listen man, no one's expecting you to be a great leader or huntsman immediately. It takes time for those kinds of talents to grow, and a couple of failures here or there will only help you improve. Learning from past mistakes and improving from them is the key to success after all."

"But what's the point of learning from my past decisions if I never made them in first place?!" he growled out, surprising me. "I haven't done a single thing on my own here, and I always need assistance from others. My team has to cover my inadequacies and that could put them in danger. That's not a leader in mine or anybody's book."

Geeze, I almost forgot how angsty Jaune could be. Way to blow over my sage wisdom kid, though I do gotta give you credit for thinking of your team, even if it's unnecessary.

"Listen Stubbles, being helped by your team doesn't make you inadequate," I rolled my eyes, "It means you have friends who got your back when the going gets rough."

"Yeah, and they're friends that will get hurt because of me when that roughness shows up," he countered. I sighed and placed my hand on his shoulder.

"Listen, I know right now you feel like being here is a mistake and that you're a screw up, but that's not true. A team is supposed to support each other, and yours clearly does. They don't want you like this, and them supporting you just means they're helping you be the best you can be. Trust me when I say having people help you out is never a bad thing, got it?"

This time he actually nodded his head, but before I could congratulate myself on a job well done he sighed once again and muttered,

"But…but what if I really don't belong here? Sure I have friends to help me out, but what if by helping me out I just drag them down with me?"

Ah hell I forgot about his forged transcripts! I flinched. Damn it! How could I forget that? That is literally the entire reason this happened in canon in the first place!

"Uh, that just means you have to work harder than everyone else," I shrugged. "Prove to yourself that you belong here by doing one-hundred-and-ten percent in everything you do. You're told to do ten laps, do twenty. You need to write a three paged paper, you write six! Someone asks you to eat 10 cupcakes in less than a minute, eat 50 at the same time! Go above and beyond and you'll surely belong."

"Yeah…" he nodded and started to smile, "I suppose I can give it my all if I've got nothing left to lose…But when would that cupcake scenario ever show up?"

"You're teammates with that crazy hyperactive girl, expect the unexpected with her," I warned, a bit upset he didn't get the reference.

Now that you're in a better mood let's get the plan back on track!

"Oh by the way Stubbles, the whole reason I came over here in the first place was cause some girl wanted me to tell you to meet her on the dormitory roof in about…an hour."

I pretended to look at my nonexistent watch as I said this, and from the corner of my eyes I could see Jaune blushing nervously.

"R-really! I mean," he quickly coughed into his first before continuing in what he thought was a suave tone, "Really? Well do you happen to know who asked you?"

Ah, telling a dorky guy some chick is waiting for him. Works like a charm every time.

Keeping my smile off my face I pretended to be in thought while stroking my unkempt beard for a while before I snapped my fingers and said,

"Ah, I remember! It was that pale girl on team RWBY. W-something…you know the girl in all white? Looks like she has a stick up her as-"

Before I could even finish Jaune was already running towards the dorms whooping like an idiot.

Ah that poor deluded kid, I chuckled. Don't worry, you'll get over her soon, and then start feeling something for Pyrrha before she gets Cindered and causes you untold amounts of emotional trauma…Wait, why the hell am I pushing for this when it's already doomed? If they actually do get together that will only make it harder on him.

I then began to panic a bit about the implications of what I had set in motion.

…Maybe it won't even happen. Yeah, maybe because I've screwed up the timeline so badly things will be different?...Am I a terrible person?

With that thought I wheeled my cart towards Nora's location after shooting her a text. So caught up in my inner arguments, I didn't notice two other people who had watched this exchange at the time, but I found out later.

The first was the ever present Velvet, yeah that was still a thing. Thankfully though this wasn't one of the videos she posted online, and she actually showed it to me later, which is how I found out about the other person.

Friggen Ozpin had watched my little chat with Jaune, and he had a smile on his face. I'd later learn he'd been planning on doing as I'd just done and give Jaune a pep talk like he'd done for Ruby. He no doubt was going to do it in some sort of manipulative way, but I beat him to the punch…or he let me do it.

Could that old bastard have planned that somehow? I wouldn't put it past him. Why? Because he's fricking Ozpin that's why!

…

Yes I'm paranoid, I'm properly paranoid, and it doesn't mean I'm wrong! Whatever, time to get to when my plan took an unexpected turn for the dumps…

}Line Break{

When Nora met with me, she was out of breath and was rubbing the back of her head.

"What happened to you?" I asked.

"Ren hit me on the head for throwing Pyrrha's spear on the roof," she bemoaned.

"What? Why would you do that?" I asked in surprise.

"I couldn't think of another way to get her up there. Right now, I'm kind of leading Ren on a wild goose chase so that she has to go up there on her own," she panted.

"Jaune's already up there, you didn't hit him did you?" I asked in worry.

"Hmm, I did hear someone cry out in either surprise or pain, but the Ren bopped me and I ran," she answered simply.

Giving myself a double facepalm I grunted in frustration. Surprisingly, I had already planned around a Nora wild card moment, but not if Jaune was skewered. Before I could voice my displeasure,

"Nora! Where are you?!" Ren called out as we heard his hurried steps getting closer.

"Whelp, gotta go! Good luck!" she chirped before dashing off down the hall. A few moments later, Ren rounded the corner and ran right past me.

"Get back here!"

…I hope I didn't somehow hurt that ship…Eh, I shrugged just as Pyrrha rounded the corner too. Noticing me and my cart she called out,

"Excuse me, Mr. Janitor? Sorry to bother you but can you unlock the roof entrance for me? My friend threw my weapon up there for some reason."

"It's, uh, already unlocked actually. I was just up there cleaning."

"Oh, thank you so much. I'll be right down I swear," she promised as she dashed up the stairs.

…Hmm, that worked better than I thought…Unless Jaune's dead.

With worry, I went up the stairs myself and when I peeked outside the door where I saw…Jaune perfectly fine, holding Pyrrha's weapon.

Oh Thank God, I sighed in relief.

"Jaune, what are you doing up here?" asked Pyrrha.

"Uh, nothing just…nothing," he lied. "Your spear landed on my foot though. What's up with that?"

"Sorry, sorry, sorry," she apologized and took the weapon. "Nora just grabbed it out of nowhere and chucked it up here. I have no idea why."

"Ooookkkaaaayyyy," Jaune said just as confused as Pyrrha.

"I'm sorry it hurt you, but seriously, why are you even up here?" she asked.

"Oh, uh…Nothing important," he brushed off seeming nervous.

"Jaune," she sighed, "I know you've been sitting on the dorm roofs at night, does this have anything to do with-"

"No! It's not…I…" he stammered, lying badly.

Alright, good good…talk it out…I thought as I slowly and silently pulled the door closed and locked it.

There, now they'll spend even longer together and Arkos will happen!...Again, am I terrible person?

I sat there and listened to their conversation for a good while, and surprisingly, it went almost exactly like how it did in canon.

Alright good, canon is semi back on track, now just take it a bit further…

"Come on, let's get off the roof, the dorm rooms are comfier anyway," she said playfully.

"You go on ahead, I'm just gonna hang out here a little more," he told her, sounding much better.

"Alright, but watch out for other thrown weapons," she teased and Jaune chuckled. I heard her approach the door and the handle rattled.

"What the?" the handle jiggled more.

"What is it?" asked Jaune.

"It's locked," she answered.

"Oh man really? Dang, it must lock automatically when you close it."

"I don't remember closing the door," Pyrrha said in confusion.

She then began banging on the door.

"Hello?! Mr. Janitor, Ren? Nora? Can anyone hear me?"

I stayed silent, not wanting to betray my ruse.

"Well, if no one hears you maybe someone will come in like, say an hour or so…" he said trying to sound inconspicuous.

What? Does he seriously still think Weiss is showing up? Come on kid!

"Hmmph, well I'm not waiting that long, I still haven't had dinner yet," she declared.

Well too bad, you two are going to stay here until love happens and-

"Pyrrha what are you doing?" asked Jaune in surprise.

"I'll pay for it," she reassured.

Pay for what? I thought dumbly just before the door flew inward, breaking the lock. Yeah, seems she didn't want to wait around and she kicked the door in. Surprisingly, she didn't even take it off its hinges. I would have admired that then and there had I not had my face near said door.

"AGH!" I cried out in pain as the doorknob hit me in the eye and sent me tumbling backwards down the stairs.

My next clear memory of the event was laying at the bottom of the stairwell with the blurry images of Team JNPR looking over me in concern…and I felt really really sore.

"Oh my gosh! Sorry, Sorry, Sorry!" Pyrrha apologized over and over again.

"Are you alright Hobo Janitor?" Jaune asked looking me over.

"I think he might be dead," Nora said solemnly. "Rest in Peace Mr. Explosion, you died doing what you loved. Falling down the stairs."

"He's clearly breathing," Ren rolled his eyes.

"Oh right," Nora nodded. "How'd this happen anyway?"

"Pyrrha kicked the door into him," Jaune answered.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't know you'd heard me, I should have waited longer," Pyrrha said in guilt.

"Uuuuuugggghhhh…Screw the universe," I groaned to their confusion as I decided to black out again.

I woke up a few hours later in the school infirmary. Thankfully falling down all those stairs only netted me a few bruises. The biggest injury though was the swollen black eye I'd received courtesy of the door. Pyrrha apologized a lot, Jaune seemed to have more pep in his step, Nora was Nora, and Ren was there to keep her from being too Noraish.

And just like she said, Pyrrha paid for the damage to the door, so Goodwitch didn't have to take it out of my check, so small victories I guess.

After ensuring that I really was alright, I exited the infirmary with them as they headed on to their dorms and I wheeled my cart (which Nora had tried to rifle through) back to the Maintenance room. When I made it back to my makeshift bed, I found a note lying on top with a bagful of candy. The note read,

Mission Accomplished.

Thank You, and hope you feel better. Your legs are safe for now.

Rolling my eyes, I laid on my bed roll and popped a root beer barrel in my mouth.

"Friggen teens will be the death of me…"

So yeah, most of the plan worked, but my meddling to try and bring about my OTP failed miserably. On top of that, I was still injured even if my legs weren't broken. All in all, the universe won't let me have nice things.
…

…

What? You thought I was leading up to Jaune never coming out of his funk or something?
…

Yeah I know I sounded all melodramatic and stuff about the plan failing, but I really wanted that ship to sail.

…

Okay Fine! Sorry I led you all on, I thought you'd be just as upset as I was about that.

…

Wait, some of you still ship him with Weiss? Why? I…You know what, no, not going into that territory, let's just move on!

He'd had his talk, and low and behold, he eventually beat down a Grimm and saved Cardin, just like canon demanded, and Nora went back to annoying Ren instead of me. The end.

Now, let's get onto the next big headache I had to deal with. I know how much you guys enjoy that.

}Line Break{

The next day, the day of the Forever Fall trip and the last day of Yang and I's punishment, saw myself and Emerald heading on over to the Sweet Sweet Ice Cream in Vale.

For those of you who've forgotten, Sweet Sweet Ice Cream was a (strangely enough) ice cream parlor stylized like a 70s American diner that Ruby and Yang took me to after Yang kicked my ass when she thought I was perving on Ruby.

Yeah, the less said about that unpleasantness the better so moving on…

Anyway, you're probably wondering why Emerald and I were going to get ice cream together, and the simple answer is, she invited me and said she would buy. And no it wasn't a date like Yang insinuated, we were just getting food outside of school, that's all!

…

Quit looking at me with those doubtful looks!

Look, Yang and I had just finally finished our last day in that stinky hell hole, and as we were walking out, Emerald asked me if I wanted to go get ice cream as celebration and I of course said yes because you never give up the chance of free ice cream. Yang, being the troll that she was, insinuated it was a date.

"Going for ice cream huh? And making her pay? How cheap of you Boxman," she tutted with her smirk.

"Shut up blondie," I shook my head, which was still a bit sore with the shiner I'd received.

"Yeah, if it was a date though, there'd have to be a lot of booze afterward to make up for it," Emerald ribbed causing the two of them to laugh.

"Oh my God, on second thought, maybe I'll sit this one out," I pouted. The two of them being friends really chaffed on me sometimes. Not just because it was a constant reminder to how much I'd messed with the timeline, but also because they actually were birds of a feather, and sadly I was the worm they pecked at…

"Oh don't be so moody," Yang hand waved. "You two go have fun. Now that I don't have to clean that garbage pit anymore, I'm going to give my hair the thorough washing it's been begging for." And with that, she went off to do just that since she really didn't have anything better to do without the rest of her team.

Sniffing at her uniform Emerald scrunched her nose and nodded.

"Yeah, we better clean up too, don't want to walk into public smelling like this."

"They let me in there when I smelled way worse," I argued, but I ended up showering as well. I wasn't a hobo, and I wasn't going to give anyone else fuel for the fire showing up stinky.

And as I let that heavenly water wash over me, the nerves began to take a hold of me.

Emerald and I hadn't actually spent anytime hanging out outside of work, so why now when all the teams were gone on their trip was she inviting me out for food? Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed my times with her, but I was still conflicted on her motives and actions because I knew who she really was…or I thought I did anyway.

Oh man, oh man. What if Cinder finally gave her the go ahead to take me out while Ozpin's attention is elsewhere? What if she poisons my meal, or Game a Thrones's me with a dagger in the back? Would she even be subtle? Would she even do that to me period? I thought we were tight! AH! I should have begged Yang to come along!

That shower wasn't as relaxing as it could have been, let me tell you. Despite my fears, I dressed up in my pink shirt and green pants, which actually started to fit me better after weeks of proper nourishment and constant lifting in the Disposery. I was still a far cry from my pre-Remnant weight, but I'm happy to say I got a healthy wiry look out of it. But yeah, with that, plus my trench coat, I met Emerald at the Bulkhead port, and that was the first time I'd seen her without the work clothes on.

She was just wearing white jeans and a green tank top and...well, she's Emerald, you know how she makes that work. Woof.

Hopping onto the transport, we made our way down to the city proper which I hadn't been to since the warehouse incident.

"Hey Z?"

"Yeah?"

"Can you keep an eye out for any shady looking Faunus while we're walking around? In particular an evil little fox girl?"

"Oh right, the White Fang thing," she nodded and bopped me on the shoulder. "No prob bud, though I bet they'd think twice coming after you after what you did to their hideout."

"Yeah, well they're being led by a psychopathic limb slicing jackass, I wouldn't put it past them," I muttered which caused her to give me a raised brow momentarily until I fake coughed.

"So, are we going anywhere else besides Ice Cream?" I asked. "I am kinda hungry."

"Eh, probably get some burgers or dogs a little later. All depends on what my friend wants to grab."

That got my attention real fast.

"Your friend?" I asked in trepidation.

"Oh right, I didn't tell you that part," she said playfully bopping her forehead. "We're going to meet up with a friend of mine at the ice cream shop. I've told them about you, and I figured we'd all hang out."

Warning sirens were blaring in my skull as we landed.

Oh shit, she's taking me to Mercury? Curse you Universe! Why are you doing this to me?! Is he going to be the one to shank me? Did Emerald not want to do it herself?!

Noticing my pale face, Emerald tried to sound reassuring.

"Chris, I know you're skittish around new people and all, but it'll be alright. I'm sure the two of you will be good friends, you've both got a lot in common."

Bullshit! Unless he was yanked out of the real world and had to live on the streets like I did, we are nothing alike!

Rolling her eyes at my silence and fear, Emerald pushed me out the door to start walking.

"Don't be such a baby."

"I'm not being a baby! If I was I would be whining and carrying on!" I whined, belying her point.

"Whatever," she rolled her eyes again and kept close to me to ensure I didn't run off.

Oh God, this is it, I'm going to die…unless he's just as different as Emerald is. Maybe Mercury is just a friend and going by some other DC hero name like Booster Gold or something. That's considering Emerald isn't evil…AGH! I need an escape plan!

I came up with several in the time it took to get to the entrance of the ice cream shop, each more desperate than the last. Before we entered though, Emerald turned to me.

"Now remember, she's really shy so try not to be too overbearing…or crazy like usual," she cautioned.

She!? Oh my God is Mercury a girl!? I WAS NOT PREPARED FOR A GENDERBENT!

Before my thoughts could spiral too out of control Emerald opened the doors to the shop. I looked around for the ashy hair and pale skin, on both men and women, but saw no signs of it.

Okay good, maybe they'll be a no show. But seriously, Mercury's a chick now? How did I make that happen? How-

"Oh, there she is," Emerald smiled and pointed to a booth. Looking for myself, I didn't see Mercury, regular or Rule 63, but someone else…

…

It wasn't until I was three blocks away that I realized Emerald was calling my name out in shock and worry. It took me another six blocks to realize I had bolted from the shop after dropping a steam smoke pellet on the ground. It took me ten blocks to realize just what had been so scary and why I had run in the first place.

For inside the shop was the number one person on my 'Do not ever meet or make eye contact with' list, above even Cinder and Goodwitch.

Neo- Fucking- Politan.

Instinct drove me to run, and there was only one emotion running though my entire body.

Pure, unadulterated, fear.

Fear kept me alive, and if I stopped running a psychopathic midget would stab me till nothing was left with her umbrella of doom. I'd kicked her boyfriend, or whatever the hell he was to her in the nads, and I knew she knew.

In that moment, I didn't give two shits about Remnant, Beacon, Team RWBY, the timeline, or even the butterfly effect. I just wanted to get the hell out of dodge and never interact with that psycho, the consequences be damned.

Spoiler Alert: It Didn't Work!

}Episode End{

Bet you guys…probably saw that coming after I mentioned ice cream and the person being Emeralds friend. But hey it's time for everyone's favorite psychopath to come into the fold, I wonder what will happen? Also really hope that F-bomb won't get me in trouble with the rating hehehe…

Also, my new favorite line of all time is now 'I wasn't prepared for Genderbent!' I swear that line makes me laugh every time, and you bet I will try my hardest to use it in real life!

Anyway, I think when it comes to publishing new chapters I might be able to post one at least once a month. No promises though since college is unpredictable but hey who knows what'll happen. I mean at least this chapter was extra-long this time around to make up for it…right?

Welp, as per usual time to call some of you guys out!

TM Calypso: Thanks, honestly thought I screwed Nora's character up somehow but glad I didn't! As for the Yandere…hehehe its gon be real good trust me!

Engineer455: You…you are something else aren't ya?

JustRandomGuy: Nope, this story ain't dead! Nor will I let it die as I'm having far too much fun writing it! Thanks for the support by the way! Plus were just getting started, we haven't even gotten to Volume II yet after all!

JustAnotherGuest: Not gonna lie your first comment scared me a bit, but glad to see you still bothered to read this despite your complaints about the Yang thing. And I did get around to properly scolding Yang…for a completely different reason but still! And yes stalker bunny is adorable.

Prestige Productions: Nora is Nora, pretty much sums her up right there.

GuestA: Thanks for the grade! Honestly figured it would have been a B+ hehehehe…

GuestB: I think My Turn has been updated…again I think.

PasiveNox: You, my friend, sent my phone into a frenzy with all those reviews you left. If I may ask what's your favorite moment so far in the story? With so many 'greats' and 'hehehehes' I'm sorta curious what your favorite moment is.

As usual don't be afraid to leave any ideas for the fic or Omakes, I always appreciate the extra inspiration and jokes! Plus feedback is always welcomed to help me make this story better!

All logic used in this fic is completely head-canon. If you don't agree that's okay, it's just how I see things.

Our follow count is now a whopping 411! And we now have a total of 287 favorites! This is seriously awesome that this story has so many considering we're only at 18 chapters! I can't thank you all enough for all the support, seriously this means a lot to me! Please keep on enjoying my fic and I hope I can continue to make you all laugh your hearts out!

This has been LightDusk16 signing off!