Chapter 5: The Voice Of The Clown

Hi everyone! I hope you had a great week, I had minor sugery and have been struggling to write, but I made it! :) This week's book-title is by Brenda Brown Canary. Enjoy and stay safe!

"Well I don't know what else to say, Harley, I think you're in love with him."

"He's my patient."

"You felt his heartbeat."

Hailey wouldn't let it go and I knew I was in trouble. Love may have been a bit over the top. But there was a certain chemistry I had to ignore.

No. I thought to myself. Just use it differently.

Mr. J and I had a connection. There was no doubt about it. But if I cut off our contact and abandoned him to find a different patient I knew I'd be wasting this connection. I could get over a silly crush and if I continued to keep him talking and active, then I knew I could help him.

"I should get inside, Hailey." I said. "I'll call you tonight?"

"Wrong, Harley-Baby." She said in her typical singing voice. "You'll be out partying tonight."

I sighed.

It was a good idea. To get him out of my mind in all ways but professionally hitting the town was the way to go. I owed it to him to get over this infatuation.

You might fall.

It might be too late for that.

I shook my head, trying to make the memory of his deep voice vanish. Trying to stop replaying such moments over and over again. As much as I hated to admit it, David was right, I was lonely. When Daniel had left me he'd taken all of our friends with him. Turned out they were his and not mine. The Joker was a master manipulator, he could sense my desperation so he said what I wanted to hear.

"Hailey, I need to go."

"Have fun tonight, Harley! I mean it!"

I had to giggle and hung up.

We hadn't seen each other yesterday. After storming off like that the head of Arkham had called me in to his office. I had calmly explained why I thought I was the right person to treat Mr. J and to my surprise he had agreed.

Then he'd started telling me about how I ought to make sure Mr. J didn't try to sue Arkham for neglecting to protect him from a grieving staff member.

I'd taken the day off and cleaned my apartment and spoken to Hailey on the phone. I wanted to see her, meet her in person, but for reasons she couldn't seem to explain she wasn't set on meeting in real life.

All thoughts of Hailey vanished as I stepped into the cell where Mr. J and I had our sessions. When he saw me his face lit up and he began swaying back and forth and grinning.

I tried to ignore my fast racing heart.

"How are you doin' Mr. J?"

"I like irony." He pronounced and I had to smile.

"Sure you do."

"Did you know the woman who tried to kill me is married to Dr. Pearson?"

I swallowed. "Yeah, I did know that."

He chuckled, swaying back and forth. "I love it, it's very Shakespearian."

"Doesn't upset you?" I asked. "She hurt you."

"Nah, I don't mind pain. Besides..." He grinned. "This little incident got me your name, Harleeeeen." He chuckled. "Did you know, you could shorten your full name to Harley Quinn? That's like the Harlequin."

I actually hadn't known that. Most of my life people had called me Harleen. No one had ever really taken the time to craft a nickname for me like this. Hailey had started calling me Harley.

Don't, I told myself. Let it go.

"Well, despite knowing my name I still think you have a right to be upset that you were treated in such a way."

"Why?" He leaned forward as best as he could in his straight-jacket. "We spent our first night together. I think that counts as something, don't you?"

I ignored this comment.

"Mr. J, in our last session we talked about a riddle, do you remember?"

"Of course. I remember every moment we spend together Harley Quinn."

I wasn't sure what to make of the emphasis, but luckily he was in a talkative mode.

"It's not really a riddle, it was unfair." He swayed back and forth, but not in the way he did when he was excited. "It's just I already told you what my problem is. How Pearson pushed my limits."

I tried to remember. Of curse I remembered everything he said. I had taken notes, but somehow I was missing something. The annoying thing was, I felt like I was missing something painstakingly obvious.

"Here's my proposal, doctor." He was chuckling. "We play a game." He paused, giving me a moment to react to this.

"I don't want to play games, Mr. J."

The returning grin lit up his entire face. "Listen to the rules, you might like it. It's called true or false. I say a statement, like..." He cocked his head the side, pretending to think, although I knew he'd already picked out which example he wanted to present to me. "Daniel is your former lover, true or false?"

I stared at him.

"If this assumption if correct, then you say, true and it's my turn again. If its false, you get to assume."

"I don't understand."

"Honey, it's really not that difficult."

I rolled my eyes. "I understand the game, Mr. J. I just don't see why can't we talk normally."

"What would the fun be in that?"

I didn't really have an answer so I just lifted my shoulders questioningly. I wanted to make headway with him and lead him where he needed to get to feel better. And I knew how much he gained from personal information.

"Why does it have to be assumptions? Why not just ask each other questions?"

"That's the beauty of it, Harley. That's what made me so angry at Pearson he went on and on about what was wrong with me and what was in my head." I could hear the change in his voice very clearly the anger and resentment coming off him in waves. "But he didn't know half of what you already know."

I told myself it wasn't because of this silly crush. It wasn't even a bad idea. It was a way to get him to talk to me and that was what I wanted.

"Ok. Fine. You can go first. But Mr. J..." I didn't know how to say what I needed to say what was the essential part of my job.

"Of course you can forfeit." He grinned. "Just say next and I'll make a new assumption."

I blushed because it was so clear to him what my hesitation had been about. Limits, of course.

"You can do the same."

He chuckled. "Oh I doubt I'll have to. Are you ready?"

You can always lie, I told myself, you don't owe him anything.

Nope. Hailey's voice rang out clear in my mind. He'll know when ya lyin', Harley-Baby!

"Yes, go ahead."

"Daniel was your boyfriend, true or false?"

"True."

He chuckled and swayed happily. Well, at least one of us was having fun.

"You live alone, true or false?"

"True. Are you a stalker now, Mr. J?"

He laughed but then grew serious for his game again. "You and Daniel had a baby."

"False." My voice caught in my throat. Don't cry, I told myself. Keep it together.

He shook his head. "I'm not done. You had a baby and it died. True or false?"

"False." I took a deep breath and could see the surprise in his eyes. The accident and the miscarriage wasn't having a baby. Mr. J looked up at me with large eyes, ready to be on the receiving end of this game.

"Your Dad beat you, true or false?"

"True."

"Your mother never stood up for you."

"True." His voice was tense. "Do you have any lighter topics, Harley?"

"You regret murdering Holly, true or false?"

"True."

"You regret murdering Holly, because you still love her."

"Ha. False. My turn"

It took every bit of emotional strength to ignore any happy feelings about this. He actually regretted a murder.

And he didn't love her anymore!

"You were pregnant, true or false?"

"True."

Our eyes locked. The pain was clearly written in my eyes. He knew it and I knew what his next assumption would be.

"The baby is dead. True or false?"

"True."

I didn't need to cry. I felt the familiar pang of loss throughout my body, the one I lived with every day. But I was looking at the Joker and he was looking at me and he was seeing me. This game was turning into something serious. Something real. A beginning.

He had never looked at me like that.

"Daniel left you afterward, true or false?"

"True."

"He's a dick."

I had to laugh. "True."

The Joker wasn't laughing, he was no longer amused. "You're all alone. True or false?"

"False." I smiled and the corner of his mouth twitched from sheer tension.

"You think you deserve punishment, true or false?"

He cocked his head to the side. "Undecided."

I rolled my eyes. "Can I go again?"

"True."

I couldn't help it and had to laugh, before I continued:

"You want to change, true or false?"

"True."

I smiled. "You regret your actions so far and want to become a better person, true or false?"

This made him snort. "False."

"Mr. J!"

"Sorry, toots." He breathed deeply. "You're not all alone, you have..." The way he was gazing at me was like he was trying to read me. "A best friend."

I smiled. "True."

He was grinning broadly now, clearly happy.

"She brings out your wild side."

I had to laugh. "True, within limits obviously."

"Obviously." He sighed deeply. "You haven't had sex in the last two months."

"False."

The Joker was actually dumbfounded and I laughed.

"You haven't had sex in the last two months."

"True." He muttered and grinned at me. "Is that a proposition?"

"No." I rolled my eyes and wished my cheeks weren't burning up. "You feel lonely, true or false?"

"True." Once again the humor had faded.

I kept my eyes locked with his. "You tried to commit suicide before. True or false?"

"True."

"You tried to commit suicide because your life seemed pointless?"

"True."

My heart went out to him. Not just because of my crush on him. But because I understood the moment when you realized you were unable to connect to even one other person, even to life itself. When all you could think was how easy it would be to end it all.

"People in your life have let you down over and over again, true or false?"

"False." He smiled and my heart skipped a beat. "As of lately. It was true before I met you."

Ya'll in trouble, Hailey's voice rang out in my mind clearly again. Get out now, Harley. You're falling down the rabbit hole.

But I couldn't get out, I was in too deep. I'd fallen deep down.

"You spend most of your free time alone at home."

I wanted to say, hey! But it was more true than I wanted to admit.

"True and false." I said. "I'm going out tonight."

"Really?" He seemed more than surprised, he was excited. "With you friend?"

"No. Alone."

"What?!" Now Mr. J was angry again and I began to feel dizzy from these mood-swings. "Harleen Quinzel, you cannot go out partying by yourself."

"Sure I can, Mr. J." I smiled sweetly. "But I appreciate the concern. It's my turn. True or false: you like to party?"

He had to force himself to play the game now, I could tell. He was the one to bring it up, it had been his idea, his pride was attached to it, so he couldn't stop now.

"True."

I smiled. "You like to get drunk."

"Who doesn't like to get drunk?!" He muttered staring at the table between us. "True."

"You don't like to dance."

He looked up and once again my heart skipped a beat as his blue eyes bore into mine. "True."

"You like to have people dancing for you."

I'd love to dance for him, I thought and flushed scarlet as I pushed this thought away to the furthest corner of my mind.

"True again, Harley Quinn, you should get a promotion. Run this place."

I smiled and he was smiling back and for a second, just for a second I forgot all the limits I'd set up. I forgot that he was a deranged man. That he was a murderer. That he was my patient.

The moment didn't last though and I took hold my clipboard.

"This was an interesting session, Mr. J. Thank you for proposing the game, I'll talk to you tomorrow."

My heart raced in my chest because I could see he was still stuck in the moment I'd just pulled myself from.

"Be safe, my little Harley Quinn."

"You too."

My little Harley Quinn.

So, how's ya crush? I could hear Hailey's voice in my head as I imagined summarizing this session for her. And I could hear her laughing loudly at the thought that I'd said I had my emotions under control.

Thanks for reading, what did you think? Should Harleen go out partying alone? Where's the harm in that?