Chapter 10: The Truth with Jokes

Thank you so much for you reviews and messages! This week's book is by Al Franken. Enjoy!

"Wow." Hailey sighed and I pictured her leaning back in a red and blue armchair. I always imagined her in blue and red somehow. "Honey that's alota drama."

I had to laugh. "Yeah."

Drama was the right word for today's events. It didn't feel like it had only been a day, it was more like a week.

"I know and I don't know what to do, Hailey." I fell back onto my bed, staring up at the ceiling. "He said he's in love with me."

"I know."

She didn't sound like herself. She wasn't giggling or making any kind of jokes. Hailey sounded rational for the first time since I knew her. She sounded mature.

"I miss him." I was the irrational one. "I mean I actually physical miss him. And now we won't be alone together anymore." Tears burned in my eyes. "I don't know what to do. I couldn't say it back in front of her, but I feel the same, of course I feel the same. I just don't..." I swallowed. "I don't know how this can work."

"Maybe." Hailey's voice was strained, as if she were the one in emotional pain right now. "Maybe it's better if it doesn't work?"

"What?" I sat back up. "What are you talking about?!"

"Maybe..." She paused, obviously afraid to say what she was thinking out loud. Obviously afraid of my reaction. "Maybe you shouldn't see him again – outside of work I mean!" She added this quickly as if seeing him at work was any kind of consolation.

I was speechless and she continued: "Maybe this doctor is right, I mean you are an intern and he is your first patient..."

So here it was. The only other person in my life doubted my abilities as well. The only other person I had truly trusted up until now.

"I can't believe you're saying this." My voice was so cold I heard her gasp on the other end of the line. "You were the one who practically pushed me into his arms. You wanted me to be with him, you...you put this idea in my head in the first place."

"I didn't mean to." She sounded so desperate, as if she were about to cry. Hailey sounded so young in this moment, like a small child. It hit me then it that moment, completely and suddenly how little I actually knew about her. "I didn't realize how..." She whispered the next word, as if it were a forbidden one, a secret. "...real it would become."

The word real made me feel uneasy and I jumped up.

"I can't talk about this any more!" I snapped and felt bad for snapping at her immediately. "I can't...I...I need to see him."

"Harleen please." She was crying now. "Please, don't go."

I hung up, throwing my phone on the bed.

Real?

Of course it was real! This was my life we'd been discussing day by day. And Mr. J's life. Just thinking about him brought tears to my eyes. I had to talk to him away from prying eyes and ears, I needed to talk to him.

All the clothes in my closet seemed to be mocking me. I wouldn't be wearing my gown, not because Dr. Leland insisted on calling me Miss, but because I wasn't going to see him as his doctor. All the dresses I had worn when I was happy and engaged weren't right either. This wasn't a date. Was it? In the end I decided on black jeans and a blue buttoned shirt. I didn't button it all the way up. I let my hair down, in long blonde curls.

My phone lay on the bed, blinking occasionally with messages from Hailey no doubt.

She was my best friend and I loved her. A part of me even understood that she couldn't support this. But I was in love with the Joker and he was in love with me. Lying in that hospital all alone grieving the unborn child I would never get to meet I had felt the impact of missed chances and regret deep within my soul.

I couldn't let Mr. J go. I wasn't able to give up on something so close to its beginning. Not again.

I was done with games and mind control. I was done with being belittled and laughed at.

It was time for the truth.

Arkham in the evenings was different than Arkham during day time. The darkness inside was the same, but the darkens from outside made a difference too.

Or maybe it was I who was different. Maybe there was a darkness within me.

The guards recognized me without my white gown and they agreed to let me visit him. They agreed to let me see him in the usual room we had our sessions in.

If we met up under normal visitation rules our conversation would be recorded and I didn't want anyone else to know what we would be talking about.

As I waited for them to bring him to me I could barely sit still. My fingertips with tingling with anticipation.

I couldn't wait to see him again.

"There you go Dr. Quinzel." The guard muttered as he led Mr. J into the sterile and cold room.

"Thanks."

"Yeah thanks." Mr. J grinned up at him, but the guard didn't react.

"I'll be outside."

As the heavy door was closed I let out a sigh of relief.

His blue eyes the color of the purest sky in summer met mine and a real genuine smile appeared on his face.

"Hi." I said, laughing as if I couldn't believe I was here.

"Hi." He replied, just as giddy, just as excited as myself.

We both leaned in at the same time. I was basically lying across the table, it was harder for him to come close to me, due to his straight-jacket.

When our lips met it was just as intense as our first kiss had been, although much shorter. It was the kind of kiss couples shared who'd been together a long time and had all the time in the world. A kiss of routine.

We both pulled back, but both stayed where we were. Our faces were just inches from each other.

"Hi." I repeated and my cheeks flushed red which made him smile in a way as if he'd been expecting this from me.

"To what do I owe the pleasure Dr. Quinzel?"

I dropped my gaze now. "You know I'm not a real doctor."

He leaned his forehead against mine. "You're realer than anyone else here."

When I looked up again and our eyes met I felt like I was falling in a free fall and I leaned back. I needed to focus.

"Mr. J...everything you said today." He smiled a boyish, innocent smile, his blue eyes blazed with happiness. I swallowed my mouth suddenly feeling very dry. "I feel the same way." I whispered. "I needed you to know that and I couldn't say it before."

The Joker chuckled. "Because of our chaperone?"

I rolled my eyes. "Yes. But also because..." I tore my gaze from his. "Because I don't see how this would work."

"This?"

"Us." I clarified. "You and me. I just...I'm not like you."

He laughed then, studying me closely. "Aren't you?"

I couldn't reply. I wasn't sure anymore. Since my accident things had been so confusing, everything I had known and everything I had thought I was had vanished in the blink of an eye.

"Tell me Harley." He said and even though he was confined in a straight-jacket, he had an aura of authority and power coming of him in waves. "Aren't you lonely? Don't you crave something more in life than the same monotonous day over and over again?" He cocked an eyebrow expertly as if he were a therapist and I the patient, as if he was reading me as clearly as if I were an open book. "Don't you want to laugh about silly things for hours and don't you long to finally stop worrying about what people think about you?"

"Yes." I whispered. "I want all that, but..."

But it was too vague. It wasn't a plan I could work with. It wasn't safe.

"But what?" He asked in a surprisingly gentle tone.

"Can you tell me the truth?" I asked and although I was asking him to be vulnerable I knew exactly that I was the one who was in the position to get hurt. "No more games? Just answer my questions? Please?"

We locked eyes and I knew whatever happened nothing could sever this bond between us. He was right. We were the same. People could be breaking out of Arkham right now, machine guns could be going off around us and we would stay here, locked in each others gazes.

"Yes." He finally said and I breathed out the air I hadn't realized I'd been holding. "Yes, ask me anything Harleen Quinzel and I will tell you the truth."

My head was spinning. His intense gaze didn't help.

"Why did you come back here?" I asked. "You were able to leave, why did you return?"

"Because you're here." He said it so simply I could have cried. He had risked a lot coming back, he had given up freedom to see me.

"Did you let yourself get caught on purpose in the first place?"

He smiled. "My my, you are a clever girl." He breathed out dramatically. "Yes."

"Why?" I asked before he even had a chance to say more.

Mr. J looked at me, cocking his head to the side, looking at me intently. "Because I was depressed. Because I felt like my life had become pointless on every level. Every morning I woke up and wished I could go back to sleep, because every day was the same, every day brought me nothing but stress. There was a darkness inside of me that consumed me no matter what I did."

I remembered lying in a hospital bed, being told all of my plans and ideas were gone. The future I had almost touched with my fingertips torn away in one sudden moment. I remembered the same darkness he was describing.

"And then Holly told me she loved me and it made me literally kill her, because the thought alone made me so miserable."

"Did you love her?"

"Jealous are we?" He grinned but I wasn't able to joke right now so he clarified: "No. I didn't love her, but..." He sighed deeply. "But that's when it hit me. Apparently I'm not as different from the rest of the world. Turned out I actually did need love in my life." He said the word with such disgust that I flinched.

"So you came here? You let yourself be thrown in this prison because you were looking for love?"

Mr. J barked out a laugh. "Of course not, silly girl!" He sounded so amused and loving that I had to smile. "I came here because I wanted professional help to get back on track and get this love nonsense out of my mind."

Months. I thought. He was in here for months before I came.

"You had three doctors before I came into the picture." I said. "None of them were able to help you?"

"No. The more I spoke to them the more I realized I was doomed to be alone forever and be unhappy forever because no one would ever love me."

Tears burned in my eyes because he thought so lowly of himself and had clearly accepted these lies as facts.

"Keith Pearson told me I would never find anyone who I could love. He basically told me I was damaged beyond repair." He grinned. "Guess he's the one damaged now, right?"

He was still in a coma. It was unlikely he would ever regain consciousnesses. The tattoo on his cheek made sense in that moment. Damaged. He had become what he had been told he was.

"I'm so sorry Mr. J."

"Don't be Harls!" He sounded cheerful. "You made all the difference."

Tears spilled from my eyes and I wiped them away. "You didn't deserve this, you wanted help and they treat you like..."

"Like the criminal I am." He chuckled, swaying back and forth. "You were the one who treated me differently, who didn't try to change me, doctor or not, you helped me."

I shook my head. All of this was a mess, a chaotic, unstable mess.

"And then..." He chuckled. "Oh the irony! First you actually helped me and then I fell in love with you. Turns out I never got that idea out of my head after all."

I laughed in between my tears. "You helped me too, you know. I didn't realize it, but you saved me from my own darkness as well."

The Joker looked at me with honest interest. Despite the location, despite the table between us, despite his straight-jacket we were just two people trying to understand each other. We were a boy and a girl trying to find our way back into love.

"All my life I wanted to be a mum." I noticed then how easy it was to open up to him like this. "It was more than a dream, it was my purpose." Although I wasn't asking any questions he nodded. Because he understood. "When I found out I was pregnant..." I stared at the gray ceiling of this confined room, blinking away the tears I had forbidden myself to cry. "It was the happiest moment of my life."

I remembered how instantly connected I had felt to my baby. It had only been four weeks old but already alive. So real to me. So painfully in reach.

"Then I had a car accident and the baby died." I said and looked at him again. I could see my own pain reflected in his eyes. "It was a little girl." I paused, remembering the moment I had been told that the unborn child was no longer. I wiped my tears away hastily. "I've never told anyone about that." I tried not to think about it. Pink dresses, blonde pigtails, large blue eyes...all the dreams I'd had were gone. "Afterwards in the hospital the doctor told me I could never have children. That my uterus had been too damaged in that accident." We both looked at each other in astonishment because there was that word again. Damaged. "That it wouldn't happen for me and he was sorry." Mr. J and I were silent. I remembered how I had lain in bed after that conversation, replaying it over and over again. Sorry. The doctor was sorry that my life's purpose had vanished.

"And then Daniel left me." I explained. "Because he wants to have kids. We were going to get married in the summer."

Mr. J's eyes went hard with hatred and I could hear how much he restrained himself to speak calmly as he asked:

"Did you love him?"

"I did." I said softly. "But I don't anymore. I can't love someone that weak, who gives up so easily." I shrugged. "We could have adopted a baby." I sat up suddenly as I remembered. "Mr. J, Daniel wants you to be part of his neurological trail and I don't want you to. I don't trust him or Dr. Leland for that matter. Actually..." I realized in that moment. "I don't think I trust anyone in this whole facility."

"My thoughts exactly, Harley."

And with those words he was free.

The straight-jacket slid of his shoulders and he raised his arms as if demonstrating to his free body, to the end of a magic show.

I could only stare at him open-mouthed.

"I own this place." He announced in a surprisingly sober tone. He walked over to me and I rose to my feet as if pulled up by an invisible force.

"The guard outside?"

"That's Lucas."

"The guard at the front gate?"

He frowned. "Jack or Tom I can't remember who's working tonight."

I shook my head in disbelief. But how could I be surprised? He did own this place, he had beat the system multiple times. He had proven time and time again how much power he truly had in Gotham.

"Harleen." He whispered and cupped my face in his hands gently. "I understand that you're scared, but I'm in, I'm all in actually." He stroked both of my cheeks with his thumbs as if he was wiping away my tears, but there were no more tears to wipe away. "I can't offer you parenthood." I closed my eyes. "But I can promise you a way out of this monotonous life. A new day every day. Think about what you want and then come and find me."

"I want to help people." I croaked as I opened my eyes. "I want to be a psychologist."

"I know." He whispered gently.

"But I also want you."

He grinned. "I know."

"Maybe we can make it both work?" I knew I sounded like a child asking for something impossible, holding on to long lost hope.

"Maybe." He smiled leaning his head against mine. Our worlds were too different. One of us would have to give everything up for the other and we both knew it wouldn't be him. Couldn't be him.

"Find me when you're ready." He whispered. "I will wait for you."

Then he kissed me in a way that made my knees weak and I clung on to him as he held me, sending electric shots all through my body.

It ended too soon. Painfully soon.

He drew back and I stood there barely holding myself together.

When I opened my eyes again tears were streaming down my face, but Mr. J was no longer there to wipe them away. He had left, gone out into the night and facing his darkness head on. Once again, my happiness had escaped through my finger tips.

He had vanished the same way a dream vanishes just before one wakes up. The straight-jacket lay crumpled on the floor. Evidence that he had been here just seconds before, the only proof of what had just happened in this room. The jacket and of course the tingling feeling where his lips had met mine, already turning into a memory, like a one aspect of a dream, you just can't seem to forget, no matter now hard you try.

I won't lie, this is my favourite chapter. What did you guys think?