Chapter 11: I'm a Joke and So Are You

Hi everyone, this weeks book title comes from the author Robin Ince. Thanks for all your kind messages and reviews! Enjoy :)

"How did this happen?!"

"Who is responsible?!"

"Are there any background checks at all in this place?!"

"Harleen, what happened in that room?!"

"How did he just up and walk out here?!"

"Who was working the cameras?!"

The shouting had gone on for hours. Eventually Dr. Arkham had taken pity on me and sent me home.

There I lay staring at the ceiling once again, wondering what to do.

Hailey wasn't answering her phone, but I was actually secretly relieved. I knew what she would say anyway. I could tell as if she were a part of me.

It's too dangerous, Harley-Baby. It's better to stay away from him. I feel ya, but it's best to stay away from him for now.

I knew that was right. Of course it was. Mr. J was a dangerous man, instead of breaking up with his former girlfriend he had murdered her.

But I couldn't just forget about him. I couldn't just let him go. Not after the kisses we had shared, not after he had bared his soul to me and let me in on all of his secrets. Mr. J saw something in me that I couldn't see myself. Where I saw damaged goods he saw possibilities.

Once the sun had gone done I rolled out of bed and looked for the journal I had carried around with me in the beginning.

It was in the furthest corner of my closet, stashed away. But I found it and inside I found a list of things I'd meant to do, things that would have helped me through this transition into my new life.

have one night stands

loose the glasses

change hair?

paint kitchen

start gymnastics again

go dancing

get a tattoo

I sat down on the floor, leaning against my bed. Everything felt so empty. This apartment, this list, this life. Tears burned in my eyes, slowly at first, until I was a full on sobbing mess on the floor. The problem wasn't that he used to be my patient, it wasn't that he had offered me a toxic relationship, it wasn't even that he was a killer. The problem was me. What if he left me? What if he abandoned me the same way Daniel had? I didn't have much left in this life, except for this job. I would throw that away for him in a heart beat, if I could be sure that he was sure. I laughed in between my tears.

"Commitment issues." I muttered to myself. T

hat's what it all came down to in the end. So basic, no normal, so indestructible. This job, this internship was all I had left. The only safety net that still existed. Even Hailey wasn't reliable. I knew so little about her. For all I knew she could have been telling me lies all these months and been cat-fishing me, stringing me along until she found the right moment to drop me. And apparently that moment was now. I wiped my tears and took a deep breath. I looked back at the list. One night stands would bring me heart ache I knew that. The only man I wanted to be with was Mr. J and I hadn't needed him to say it, I knew he couldn't truly love me as long as I carried on working at Arkham. And I wasn't ready to give that up.

Find me when you're ready. I will wait for you.

If I was absolutely honest with myself I knew I'd never be ready. That I was broken beyond repair, just as he was. It didn't make us a good fit, it made us destined to fail.

I took a few more deep breaths.

I wouldn't find him. I wouldn't be ready. And it would hurt. But it had hurt before. I could deal with the pain.

All this time I'd been convinced I didn't have a purpose but Mr. J had said I was the one who had helped him, before he'd fallen for me. I was good at my job. This could be my new purpose.

It took my ten more minutes before I had the courage to call Dr. Arkham.

When I reached the office I had to wait two more minutes until he took my call.

"Dr. Quinzel? How are you?"

I heard the tension in his voice and had to smile to myself. He was worried I would quit, I could hear it.

"Dr. Arkham I want to come back to work tomorrow and be reassigned to a new patient. Is that possible?"

There was a silence on the other end of the line that had me holding my breath.

"Yes!" He finally said. "Absolutely! I am so sorry how things went with the Joker, Dr. Quinzel. You did such great work with him, please come into my office tomorrow morning and we can talk about your future here at Arkham Asylum."
"Great thank you so much!"
We hung up and I decided then that I was done crying. I was so fed up with being the victim, the one who was left behind. I was more than the faults that seemed to make me up as a person. I was more than someones ex-fiancee, I was more than the woman who had lost her baby. I was Harleen Quinzel and it was time to get my life back.

"How long have you been feeling this way?"

"Since I was born." He twitched looking around the small room. "There are cameras here."

"There are no cameras here, Tegan." Dr. Leland sounded tired and I swallowed my resentment towards her. I was here to learn after all. I was an intern.

Tegan Miller was a paranoid schizophrenic and he had murdered three people because the voices in his head had told him to do so.

"She's staring at me." He pressed his hands towards his chest as if he needed to reassure himself or hold himself together. "The pretty doctor is staring at me. She's plotting against me."

Dr. Leland shifted beside me in her chair. "Miss Quinzel isn't plotting anything against you."

I looked up from my notes and smiled at him. "I'm really not, Tegan."

His gaunt face broke in a smile, but then he started turning around again, checking behind him.

"Are the voices back, Tegan?" Dr. Leland asked in something that could be considered a gentle tone.

"They're my friends." He mumbled. "They tell me the truth, everyone always lies lies lies." He chuckled and his inappropriate laughter reminded me of Mr. J in a painful way.

"What truths do they tell you?"

"That I'm not alone, that I don't need to be afraid."

"That is true." Dr. Leland said. "You are safe here in Arkham."

He snorted and didn't reply.

"But the voices aren't your friends, Tegan. You know that. They told you to do horrible things."

"They're my friends." He repeated and he sounded so sad that I looked up from my notes.

"They can be your friends." I said and smiled at him. "But you don't have to do what they want you to."

Dr. Leland was fuming beside me and I quickly dropped my gaze. I knew I had spoken out of line, but Tegan was so much happier when the guards brought him back to his cell.

"Do I have to tape your moth shut?" She snapped as soon as the door was closed. "The point of his treatment is to get him to understand that the voices are harmful."

"I'm sorry." I said. "I just didn't want him to feel lonely."

"This is an insane asylum, Harleen! Of course he is lonely!"

I didn't reply. Dr. Leland stood up and I followed her.

"Who is next?"

"Well, we have a free slot now that someone let the Joker escape." She muttered and I flushed.

"I didn't let–"

"Stop lying to me!" She spun around with a crazy look in her eyes. "Something went on between you two, I know it! Daniel told me about what happened, the accident and the baby and all that. And I'm sorry, ok? I get that you're in a difficult place in your life right now, but that's no excuse!" She sighed. "How desperate can one person be?" She laughed. "I can't believe you're still allowed to work here, seriously." She stared me up and down. "You're rotten right down to the core and everyone knows it."

She turned around and left me standing there, with nothing left to say.

It's ok Harley-Baby, she's just jealous. Hailey's voice rang clear in my head. She's jealous of you and Mr. J, because she's stuck with darlin' sweet Daniel.

But I lost Mr. J. I thought. There's nothing to be jealous about.

No ya didn't, he loves you. You won't lose him. Promise.

I left the session room, mainly because I felt like I was talking to myself in an insane asylum. And also because despite my resolutions to be done crying I felt reminded of him wherever I went.

I missed him.

I went to Dr. Leland's office because even though she obviously hated me she was my supervisor and I wanted to do well, I wanted to continue on this career path.

"Harleen."

Oh what could possible make this horrid day worse? Daniel of course.

I stopped in front of him, keeping my distance.

"What do you want?"

He didn't look good. He looked like he hadn't slept and his usually perfectly manicured hair was a mess.

Honestly I liked him better this way. But maybe I was just attracted to messes.

"We lost the grant." He said and lifted his shoulders in a helpless way. "The board took back it's offer and the trial was canceled."

I already knew the answer but I needed him to say it, so I asked: "Why are you telling me this?"

"What happened with the Joker?" He stepped closer. "We lost everything because he escaped and you were the last one seen with him."

"Nothing happened!" I snapped. "It's not my fault he escaped."

Of course I didn't try to stop him, but it wasn't like I would have been able to. It wasn't my fault he had complete control over this institution.

"Do you have any idea what this means to me?!" He shook his head as if in disbelief, as something about my appearance shocked him to his very core. "This trial was everything to me, it was my baby. It–"

Before my hand collided with his face in a cinematic satisying slap he already paled, realising what he had said.

"I'm sorry." He spluttered. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean–"

"Fuck you, Daniel." I walked past him.

"Harleen!" He called after me. "I'm worried about you! Something happened with you and him, I know it did! You need help!"

What I needed wasn't something this child in a man's body could give me. I would never speak to him again. We were done.

I continued walking toward Dr. Leland's office.

Had Arkham always been this dark? This cold and lonely? Or was I projecting my own emotions?

Harley-Baby, you can trust Mr. J. He won't hurt you.

"Shut up, Hailey." I muttered, massaging my temples. I didn't want to hear her voice any more. My so called best-friend who left me alone in one of my weakest moments, who never showed herself to me, who never came for a visit.

Trust Mr. J? Trust someone who had murdered his last girlfriend instead of breaking up with her?

Trust the only person who knew who I really was? Who understood me on a level I didn't understand myself?

I could hear voices inside Dr. Leland's office.

"It's the perfect plan!" It was Dr. Arkham and my spirits lifted. He was the only one here who hadn't blamed me for Mr. J's escape. He would defend me.

I stood behind the open door, listening intently.

"I don't know." Dr. Leland was still in a bad mood. "It sounds risky."

"You will supervise her, so that she won't make any more large mistakes like letting them escape."

"Or getting involved with them." Dr. Leland sounded disgusted.

"Exactly. That won't happen again, but she is the perfect scapegoat, Joan you have to realize that. Once the board gets involved we can throw Harleen Quinzel under the bus, she will get blamed for everything that goes wrong, she will be sacked and Arkham will shine in a new light."

I froze, unable to move.

"I don't know." Joan said. Please, I thought, please defend me. Have some respect. "Won't the board blame us?"

"No, because from now on you will encourage her as I have been, we will let her continue with her work, let her think she's doing well." He sounded excited. "Once the board meets her she will be full of confidence and when they get suspicious about her therapy methods and Jokers escape we will tell them she fooled us."

"And then Daniel can mention the traumatic experience of the accident." Dr. Leland continued. "And you'll tell them how you gave her the position because you pitied her?"

"The board will realize that we are the ones who were mistreated, who gave this poor girl a chance and then regretted it deeply." He was so confident, so sure of his plot. "We will get the money for the trial back in no time."

"And you're ok with that? Ruining her career?"

Dr. Arkham burst out in laughter. "What career? You and I both know she doesn't have what it takes. She never did."

Don't ya dare cry, Harley-Baby. Hailey told me. Don't cry over them, they're not worth it.

I moved away from the door, as far away from them as I could. I needed to get away right now.

I gave up Mr. J for this? For these lies?!

Tears burned in my eyes and I hurried inside a storage room just to get some privacy. I sat on the floor, between brooms and mops and buckets and sobbed my heart out.

This is it, I thought. I have nothing left.

No family life, no friends, no work.

How should I find him? I thought and how could I trust anything he said anyway? What was the point of anything any longer?

The door opened and I gasped in surprise, shuffling away from the light coming from the hallway.

A cleaning lady with a trolley equipped with dustbins and a bucket of cleaning water came inside.

She didn't seem at all surprised to see a sobbing mess of a doctor on the floor.

Actually the small older lady looked as if she had been expecting me. With a knowing smile she reached into her coat and pulled out of scrap of paper. She handed it to me with an encouraging nod.

With trembling hands I unfolded it. It read:

Harley, I miss you already. Meet me at ACE chemical plants. We can have a little chat.
J.

Who else is excited about this chat? :)