Kohaku had forgotten what it was like to simply be around another person his own age. He had forgotten what it was like to simply be around another person at all. Was strange at first, to get back into the habit of conversing with another human, but soon he started to recall what it felt like to have a friend.
She was a strange friend, to be sure. She would frequently say things that made absolutely no sense. He wasn't any closer to figuring out where she had come from by the end of their second day together than he had been at the beginning of the first, but it no longer seemed important. He had someone to talk to. For the longest time that had seemed like luxury he never would be privileged to again.
On the second evening after Hotaru had shown up, they sat together by the fire. Everything was quiet and peaceful the forest. Fireflies twinkled around their campsite. Kohaku and Hotaru had finished eating and were now poking at the fire with sticks. Hotaru seemed to enjoy stirring the fire, regardless of whether or not it was needed.
"I need to ask you something…" She said. "Please don't get mad.."
He wondered what she could possibly ask him that he could get mad about. "Go ahead."
"How did you die?"
Kohaku froze. Suddenly, he felt as though he had plunged into an icy lake.
He shouldn't have been surprised. At this point, nothing about Hotaru should have surprised him. Of course she could sense he was dead. She was so perceptive about everything else. She had probably sensed it when they first met.
He just stared at her for a long time. He had once more forgotten how to speak. His mouth could no longer form words. Not those words. She didn't repeat herself. She didn't press him or rush him. But he knew she wouldn't leave without an answer. Her unnaturally colored eyes locked onto his, wide with sympathetic curiosity. He broke her gaze to look into the fire. He couldn't bear the thought of those eyes looking at him in fear and disdain.
"I..." He started. I don't know what you're talking about. The lie fell flat before he even said it. There was no point lying to her. He had to tell her the truth.
A knot twisted in his heart. This was it. He was going to lose her. The past two days had been the happiest Kohaku had been since he had left his village for the last time. He should have known it was too good to be true. He didn't deserve happiness. He didn't deserve friendship. And now, she was going to know it.
Kohaku swallowed hard. He tried to focus on the fire.
"I told you I came from a village of demonslayers," He started, he balled his hands into fists and braced himself. "I didn't tell you that I had only ever been on one mission. We had been called to fight a spider demon that had been terrorizing a castle. It was a job that required our best slayers. My father decided it would be a good chance for me to prove myself. It's what I had been training for my entire life..."
He could stop there, let her mind fill in the rest. He had gone on a mission he wasn't prepared for. End of story. He had died young and inexperienced on the battlefield. It was a common enough story, and close to the truth. But somehow he knew she would see through it. She sat patiently as he gathered the strength to continue speaking.
"It was a trap. The demon Naraku had taken the form of a young noble. The beast we had been called to take care of had been easy enough to defeat, but after we had killed it, something took hold of me."
He felt his hands begin to tremble. The scene that had played out countless times in his nightmares ran through his mind once more. He forced himself to continue.
"I was the youngest. I had no real experience. Maybe that made me an easy target for possession. Maybe Naraku was just entertained by the idea of a son killing his own father. I guess the reasoning doesn't really matter. Suddenly, I couldn't control my own body. Before I knew what was happening, I...I killed my father. I killed all my comrades. I tried to kill my sister, but somehow she survived. The soldiers of the castle shot me before I could do any more damage."
His whole body was trembling now. Everytime he thought of that night the pain washed over him anew. "Naraku must have thought it was a pretty great joke, because he decided to keep it going. He used a shard of the sacred Shikon Jewel to bring me back to life and keep a hold of me. I spent most of the past year under his control. He made me do terrible things. He made me kill so many people that I have lost count. I only managed to break free of him a few weeks ago."
She didn't respond right away. He didn't dare look up at her. She must be revolted.
"If you want to leave," He said, "I understand."
Hotaru put her hand over his. He looked up in surprise. There was no hatred in her face, no disgust, no horror.
"I'm not going anywhere." She told him, "You're my friend. Your past doesn't change that."
"I killed my father...my family...in cold blood."
"You were possessed." she said. "Your actions...they weren't your choices."
Kohaku shook his head. "You don't understand."
"Yes. I do."
Kohaku shook his head again. He had feared her disdain, but somehow her kindness was worse. He didn't deserve it.
This time it was Hotaru who took a deep breath.
"It feels like you're paralyzed," she said, "but you're not. Your muscles are tighter than you ever imagined muscles could be. You feel them pull on your bones. Some unseen force moves your body the way a puppeteer moves a marionette. It doesn't matter how much you try to break the hold, nothing you do can stop it. The harder you try, the worse the pain is.
"You can't even scream. Nothing is your own anymore, not even your voice. When you are forced to speak it feels like you're going to be sick, like something is forcing its way up your throat. You hear the words leave your mouth but they aren't your words. It's not your voice.
"You're a prisoner to your own body. You're forced to watch from the inside while they use you however they want.
"Sometimes you're stronger, or maybe they're just dormant. You have control. You can go on with your life, make your own decisions. They'll allow it as long as it doesn't go against their plans. Sometimes, it doesn't seem that bad. You can almost pretend that things are normal.
"Other times you're so weak you lose yourself altogether. Hours or days or weeks go by in darkness. You finally come around with no memory of what happened or how much time passed. People fear you. They tell you all the horrible things that you've done that you have no recollection of, but you know they're telling the truth.
"Then they target the ones you love. You fight, you plead, you beg. Anyone else. Please, anyone else. But they don't listen. You watch your hands choke the life out of your loved ones. You watch helplessly as your friends die trying to get you back. You want it all to end. You'd do anything just to die. You know everything would be better if you just died.
"When you do finally manage to break free, it feels like you're being ripped apart. And even when they're gone, even when you're free, you know you'll spend the rest of your life with them hanging over you like a shadow. They became a part of you, and they will never truly be gone. There is a scar on your soul that will never heal."
When Hotaru finished speaking, Kohaku was absolutely speechless. He stared at her in silence for what felt like a very, very long time. She didn't look at him, nor the fire. Instead, her gaze was far away. Lost in her own memories.
"I didn't know." He finally managed to say.
"You couldn't have." She replied, turning to look at him. "I hadn't told you."
"How long were you possessed for?"
"Four years."
"Four years?" He repeated. He had hardly survived a year under Naraku.
She nodded.
"I've been freed for almost as long. I can tell you this; all that guilt and shame you feel, the anger and self-loathing, it doesn't go away. But it won't always hurt in this way. You will learn to hold it tight, bury it deep inside, and use it to push yourself forward."
"All I want is to end Naraku. I know it's not enough to atone for everything he made me do, but if I can stop him from doing it to anyone else…"
Hotaru squeezed his hand. They sat that way for a long time, side by side in front of the fire. Eventually, they fell asleep.
Author's Note:
Thank you all for reading. Please, don't forget to review.