"You ain't comin'!"

"Yes, I am!"

An argument had broken out between Inuyasha and Kohaku. Two days had passed since Hotaru's death, and the group was planning their next move.

"You're the one Naraku wants!"

"I don't care! I'm going with you!"

"Kohaku," Sango said, "Naraku wants your jewel shard. He'll do anything to get it. If you try to fight him you'll die."

"I don't care!" Screamed Kohaku. "I'm sick of watching everyone around me die!"

"Gettin' yourself killed won't bring her back, idiot!" snapped Inuyasha.

Angrily, Kohaku punched at Inuyasha. The half-demon easily caught the boy's fist in his hand and threw him back. Kohaku skidded through the sand. He stood up and ran at Inuyasha again, once again Inuyasha caught his punch and sent him back. He kept trying again and again until finally he accepted defeat and stayed down in the sand.

Sango put her hand on his shoulder but he shoved her away.

"Then use my jewel shard." He said, with a defeated voice. "Lady Kikyo's light is still in it, Kagome can carry through with Lady Kikyo's plan to purify the shikon jewel in order to defeat Naraku."

"Don't talk like that." Sango pleaded.

"Let me fight to avenge Hotaru, or let me die to defeat Naraku! It's not fair to deny me both!"

"Kohaku, that's not what she would have wanted for you, you know that." Kagome told him gently.

"I know!" He shouted, "But it doesn't matter what she would have wanted anymore! She's gone! She's dead and I let her die! I wasn't possessed! I wasn't under anyone's influence! I sat there and let her die! I could have...I should have..." He shook his head, looking down, gritting his fists into the dirt. "I should have been strong enough to protect her!"

"It wasn't your fault." Sango said, "If you need to blame someone, blame me. I'm the one who..."

"You just did what I told you to do! I'm the reason she stayed! I should have told her to go home with Kagome! I should have made her! I should have...I..."

"Cease ye slanderous words." Lady Kaede said, "Hotaru made her own decision. Nothing ye said could have convinced her to change her mind. To imply ye had power over her choices is an insult to her memory."

Kohaku shook his head. He covered his head with his arms, as if that would be enough to block the grief.

After a long pause he whispered. "I'm going to die anyways."

"You mustn't say that!" Sango snapped.

"It's the truth. Naraku isn't the only one out there who wants my shard. Sooner or later someone is going to kill me for it. I can't keep running forever. I'm tired of running. I'm already dead. It's time you accept that, Sister. I've been dead for an entire year. I'm only here because Naraku wanted to use me. So at least let me die trying to take him down. Let me try to make up for at least some of the sins I've committed. Let me do something! Let me fight to avenge Father! Let me fight to avenge Hotaru!"

"I can't lose you, too." Sango told him. "All we have left is each other!"

"That's not true and you know it! You have Miroku. You have Kirara, and Shippo, Kaede, Kagome, and Inuyasha. You still have a family! I had her! I love you, Sister, but you will never understand me like she did. You will never understand what we went through."

Sango's fists shook, she had to work very hard to keep her voice steady. She wasn't sure whether she was on the verge of yelling in frustration, or crying in despair, or maybe both. Her face felt very hot and she could feel her emotions, whichever ones they were, threatening to overwhelm her.

"That may be true. But...I do know what it's like to lose you. And I know how much she cared about you. I won't let you die."

He pushed her away.

"Kohaku!" He ran out the door, "Kohaku!" Sango tried to follow him, but Kirara transformed for him and they flew away. Sango fell to her knees.

She felt Miroku's hand on her shoulder.

"This isn't him..." She said. "He's never spoken to me like that...even when he was under Naraku's control..."

"He's grieving." Miroku told her. "He doesn't know how to handle all the pain he's feeling right now."

"He wants to die..."

"That's probably why Kirara took him. So he can have time alone to think and she can still keep him safe."

"This is all my fault."

"No, Sango, you mustn't think that."

"I'm the one who... I..." Sango felt herself shaking. She covered her face with her hand. Every now and then the reality of what she had done hit her anew. She had grown close to Hotaru in the eleven days they had spent together. Sango had truly cared about the younger girl. She was bright, kind, and full of life. Sango's stomach rolled at the memory of what she had done.

"If you wouldn't have, I would have." Miroku admitted. He knelt down so he could be eye level with her. "Sango, look at me." She reluctantly complied, "She was in pain, more pain than she could bare. We couldn't save her. Trying would have just prolonged her suffering. And...I think it was better that it was you who did it. This would be even more difficult for him if it would have been anybody else."

Sango knew he was right. But still...this is what it feels like to have innocent blood on your hands...She had killed one person. One child and she had done it because there was no other choice. Yet she felt sickened by herself every time she thought about it. She could still feel the weight of Hotaru's weapon in her hands. She could still hear the desperate choking breaths as Hotaru fought for air. Sango would never escape that moment...That was the weight of one death.

How many people haunted Kohaku's nightmares? Could he even keep count anymore? Sango couldn't even imagine what that felt like. Yet Hotaru had eased that burden for him. How? How had she alleviated his guilt when no one else could?

You will never understand what we went through. His words played over again in Sango's head. What we went through... not What I went through.

"I need to talk to him." Sango said.

"Sango...give him space." Miroku protested.

"No. There's something I need to understand."

It took her a while to find him. When she finally did he was about a mile out of the village sitting by the river. Kirara curled up next to him. Kirara looked up as Sango approached. Kohaku turned his head to see who it was, but then looked back at the river.

"Go away, Sister. I don't want to argue anymore."

"I didn't come here to argue. Can we just talk?"

"No. Please, just leave me alone."

"You have been alone." Sango said, ignoring his wishes and sitting down next to him, he turned his back to her. "You've been alone for so long...all that time under Naraku...even after you broke free and you were with Lady Kikyo, you were still alone."

He didn't reply but he pulled his knees closer to his chest.

"You weren't alone when you were with her, were you?"

Again he didn't say anything, Sango couldn't see his face.

"She was more than just your friend...you said she was the only one who could understand you...Before she died she said 'don't let me kill everyone I care about. Not again.' Why did she say 'not again'?"

His hands balled into fists. Sango wondered if he was crying. When several long moments passed in silence she prodded him.

"Kohaku..."

"Her past...she showed me..." He started but broke off again. He clearly didn't want to discuss her past, as if he were still trying to protect her from it. Or maybe protect her memory.

"Please, tell me. Whatever it is, I know the type of person she was. She was the person who sat with me by your bedside for ten days. I cared about her, too. No matter what you tell me, I won't think any less of her."

He shook his head.

"Kohaku, please. I need to know." Sango fought to keep her voice steady. "I...I killed her."

It was the first time Sango had actually said the words out loud. The words felt like a punch to the chest. Finally, Kohaku looked at her.

"She was a child. She was my friend. And I killed her in cold blood." Sango clenched her fists tight. "I did it because she asked me to. Because you asked me to. Because something scared her worse than death. I need to know what that was. I need to understand why I did what I did."

"She...I...she..." He couldn't start. Sango wondered what could possibly be so bad. Was Hotaru's past darker than even Kohaku's? "...she wasn't like me...she wasn't just possessed...not then at least...but...but she was young...and she was powerful...and scared...so scared..."

He stopped again. Sango put her hand on his shoulder.

He squeezed his eyes shut. "Her world was at war. A terrible war, worse than anything we've ever seen. And…" He swallowed, "She had the power to end it. She was the only one with the power to end it, but she couldn't control her power. She was only a kid. She ended the war but she also ended everything else...her entire world...billions of people...her family, her friends, everyone, enemy and ally. Everything was destroyed."

Sango was shocked. Hotaru had been so kind, so gentle. Even when she was angry, even when she was fighting, Sango had never sensed any sort of malice from the girl, no bloodlust or urge to kill. Yet if what Kohaku said was true...

"She didn't want to!" Kohaku said, desperate to protect her memory. "She couldn't control it! She didn't have a choice!"

"I know, Kohaku." Sango assured him. "I would never believe her to be the kind of person who would do something like that for no reason."

Now Kohaku was shaking.

"I don't think she meant for me to see. She had woken up from a nightmare; she was terrified and frantic and when she grabbed me I just...I just saw. I saw all of it though her eyes. I could feel her fear and pain. She carried it around everyday but...but she never let it show. She was more concerned about protecting me, helping me overcome my past and I...I couldn't do anything to help her. In the end, she died being reminded of that battle, with Magatsuhi threatening to make her do it all again. I couldn't even protect her from that...I couldn't even...I..."

Sango wrapped her arms around him, and for once he didn't pull away. He cried into her arms. It was a startling reminder of how young he still was.

"You did everything you could."

"It wasn't enough..."

Sango couldn't reply, no matter what she said, he would still feel like Hotaru's death was his fault.

"I know killing Naraku won't bring her back." He finally admitted after crying in his sister's arms for a long time. "I know she wouldn't want me to die trying. But I've been running and hiding since I broke free of him. Running from him, running from my past, running from all the other demons who want my shard. When she was with me it was different. She made it better. Now there's just one more thing for me to run from. I'm tired of running, Sister. I'm so tired..."

She hugged him tighter. She had lost him so many times already. Every time she thought he had come back to her, he was pulled away from her once more. But this time was different, this time he was asking for her to let him go. What was worse was that she knew she would have to do it.

"If I let you fight, will you promise me that you will at least try to survive?"

After a moment he gave a single nod.

Author's Note: Hey guys, thank you all for your continued support. Life's been...not great lately, and this story has really been a super important outlet for keeping me sane so I'm really glad you've all kept following it this far. Please remember to leave a review. Tell me what you liked, what you didn't like, any predictions, or just say hi. I like it when people say hi.