Welcome to the final show

Hope you're wearing your best clothes

You can't bribe the door on your way to the sky

You look pretty good down here

But you ain't really good

She hates everything about labeling his days as "good" or "bad"– this stupid emphasis on each thing that he does and how well he can perform it. The doctors will ask how he is, nearly expecting to be told something other than like he's dying, and that always frustrates her beyond words. She can feel Hotch tense each time, looking to her in his desperate attempt to conjure a lie they will believe. "Good" or "bad" and he wants to say "okay" so that they don't poke him more. So they don't stand him up in the room and run their hands down his sides feeling for more swollen nodes and inclinations to infections or whatever other bad nonsense will rear its ugly head.

Mostly, she hates how there are "bad" days and there are days that aren't gut-wrenchingly horrible but they aren't "good" either.

Tuesday he'd smiled and sat for three hours with Reid. The genius turned on the sofa to face Hotch in the recliner, rocking himself gently as he spoke about anything and everything on his mind. Emily had watched them for a moment from the kitchen, shocked at the painless ease Hotch was sitting with. Enjoying something close to normalcy as Reid doesn't look at Hotch and see the sickness overcoming his pale skin. Doesn't see how tired he is or how weak. He's just Hotch and they're sitting in the living room talking about quantum mechanics and then attachment theory and diagnosing schizophrenia.

For three hours there is so much normalcy to their chaotic lives. For three hours there is "good" and for the remaining hours after Reid leaves there is something close to right in the middle. It's fighting tooth and nail over some supplements he's supposed to have in this meal replacement that tastes like chalk. She chases the fight with vodka and he locks himself in his office to drink the meal replacement in the sort of isolation that affords him endless frustration with no outward consequence. He ends up sitting in there and hoping she forgives him for being such a pain in the ass. He knows she probably will.

Then he does something stupid, something entirely brought on by impulse.

"You're a fucking asshole."

He can't finish the job on his own, the clippers shaking painfully in his grip. His arm hurts and he can't stand long enough to get the whole thing even. "It's falling out, anyway." He tells himself that it doesn't matter, that he should be lucky he made it to this age without losing it. He tries not to think about it, mostly. To the way that his father used to smile at him and rustle it just to see the strands sit in all kinds of directions. How Haley would curl against him, arm over his shoulders, and brushing the strands as they talk.

But it's just… hair. Mostly.

And "good" had melted into bad as Emily stood over him, running the clippers through his remaining hair. She'd cried and he had too but he had the free hands to wipe those tears before she could see them. She's always the strong one, the least he can do is pretend for a moment.

Standing behind him, she can see every bone in his back. His pale skin stretched over each vertebra, like the hard pressure across knuckles clenched tightly. The plethora of scars in various stages of healing– several from tubes and wires and tests and others from the childhood he refuses to speak of. A canvas with a story right there for her to see. There are no real secrets between them anymore.

The last bit of hair falls and she looks at what they've done. "You'll have to wear a hat," she tells him. She steps out of the tub, using his shoulder to balance herself. "I always thought you had a weird-shaped head but now I know." There's nothing abnormal about his head, she's just thinking about how cold he always is. That at least now he's got an excuse to wear a beanie inside and how he'll look like a dork with the assortment of color and variations Garcia's going to knit the second she catches wind of this.

She offers him her hands so that he can stand too and it's a testament to their proximity that his shirtlessness isn't strange. She's watched his skin ease apart under the pressure of a scalpel. Sat beside him on the bathroom floor, head on his shoulder as the night moved on but they both knew he'd be back here all together too soon to get up. The scars are nothing to the vulnerability that he's shown her.

Standing she… she sees the protrusion of his collarbone. Of the harshness, the invasion of the central line snaking into him. It overcomes her and she pulls him into her. Throwing an arm over one shoulder and around the other, pinning him against her. "I love you," she whispers turning her face into his neck.

Her warmth seeps into him, in every place that her skin rests against his. The desperation in her tone makes him smile, the way that she holds him. He's empathetic to her pain but it feels good to be held, to be loved like something someone is terrified to lose. "You know," he says. "I kind of figured. You've stayed around too long for someone who, supposedly, hates me."

She laughs. How many times had she gone out of her way to mumble "I hate you" at him? For waking her up to make her go back to bed so that she doesn't spend her whole night on the floor as miserable as him. To have something to say in the face of the scary things that happen, when he squeezes her hand too tight or when he's that numb calm she knows is no good.

"I do hate you," she sniffles.

He laughs. An actual laugh. "Good," he replies, wrapping his arms around her. "Good."

Wednesday he makes her French Toast with a black beanie pulled down over his ears, one she'd seen only in the winter to stave off the threat of the ear infections the icy fingers of the wind give him. They talk while they eat and it's a truly monumental thing to be shared between them– a meal.

There's something about sitting there and watching him perfect some glorified egg bread that annoys her. Knowing that likely, tomorrow this will be like a slap to the face. A taunt to see him now and then. Today he will the Aaron that she knows. The Aaron that peers over her shoulder while she's trying to do things, baiting her into pointless arguments with his bad French and even worse German. To the Aaron who walks soundless and who grins when he turns up silently behind her and makes her yelp with a jump.

She watches the ease in which he takes to his french toast bleed away like the color in his face until lunch brings one of those meal replacements and he can't do it. Then she finds the french toast she thought he'd eaten in the trash where he'd purposely tried to cover it. Knows that next week they'll find the meal replacements didn't work and do something else to his poor body. Cut another hole, insert another tube.

She hears him fall that night.

After hearing him laugh loudly over some stupid thing she'd said.

After playfully fighting with him over stealing one of his sweaters– he has so many it's not going to kill him to let her borrow one.

After just sitting with him on the couch for hours listening to music and sitting in the dark.

She hears him fall and, worst of all, she hears how hard he tries to cover it up. The sound is not as distinct as it should be with no crash that rattles dishes or a harsh thud. A stumble, really, a softer thump as he leaned into the wall for support but found none.

"Aaron."

He's sitting up against the wall, shoulders sunk in and head hanging. When he looks up she sees the blood pouring down his face, the tears pooling at the corner of his eyes. "…can't stop it." He coughs, wiping at the blood across his lips. "It won't stop, Emily."

She runs to the bathroom, grabbing a wad of toilet paper and not thinking twice about manipulating his face in her hands. One hand holding the back of his head while the other dabs the blood up. "We're supposed to go to the hospital when this happens," she reminds him. He'll need platelets or something invasive but more than likely he'll be submitted to an hour-long wait in the E.R. to be told it was the right thing to come in but altogether unnecessary.

He groans, not in pain but in the general theme of the awfulness he knows will ensue if she makes the decision they will be going to the hospital. To the cold beds and the wheelchairs.

"Water and bed," she says, instead of what he'd thought would be her asking where his shoes and coat are. She smirks at him, knowing what he's thinking and seeing the surprise written across his face. "We'll tell them Tuesday about it," she assures him. Tuesday when they're probably going to tell them he needs to come back in another day. When they see the supplements aren't working and he'll probably need something invasive and painful. Then they'll deal with the nose bleeds popping back (and that cough she's noticed but has let convince himself she hasn't noticed).

"Bed," she says again when the words seem like they haven't processed.

"Bed," he repeats thickly, her fingers clamped over his nose thickening the nasally quality of his voice.

They shuffle down the hall, Emily's fingers curled around his hip and his arm over her shoulder. Heads bent in towards one another. He whispers an apology, feet hardly leaving the ground, and leaning on her a little too much. He imagines the beginning. When he'd laid on his bed, thinking about her and thinking about his father. The way the cancer had eaten his father away and he can see in the mirror, he watches closely and knows the same thing is happening to him.

His father had done what he can't– ended it.

It had been Aaron who found him. So strange to see such a violent man seemingly… peaceful. His memory is a patchwork of things, his childhood full of too many greys of undetermined moments, but that sight. Seeing his father's lifeless body in the high-backed office chair he'd spent so many waking hours in has been unforgettable.

He can't do that. He won't make Emily see that or leave that sort of memory for Jack. It's important to him that it be like this.

"You have to sit up." She props him up on pillows, ignoring his complaints. The blood has slowed and there's nearly no point in wiping it away. He just watches her, vacantly staring back as she tucks the blankets around his chest. "Sleep," she instructs, kissing his forehead. "Do you want me to stay?" He knows she will. She'll sleep right here beside if he asks but… no. He'll be okay.

It snows.

He watches it from the only window in his room, she'd pulled the curtains back before she fell asleep. He sees her and her giant shadow with the yellowing light from the street pouring in, eating out the deep consuming darkness looming over him. Until today he'd only ever suspected she was dragging his office chair into his room but he'd never caught her, always waking up after she'd moved the chair back and gone back to her own room. Leaving behind only the three deep dents in the carpet where she'd sat for hours. There had been so many nights he'd spent sitting and watching Jack sleep as a baby– some irrational fear that the baby would stop breathing in the middle of the night and so long as he was watching Jack would keep breathing. He needn't ask silly questions, he knows she's using the same irrational approach.

Clenching his teeth he tries to bite down against a cough breaking out, afraid to wake her some such peaceful slumber. He pulls himself upright, curling down as his temples throb, and his body shakes violently beyond his control. A goal in-sight– the water on his nightstand and getting Emily back to bed– he powers through it and overcoming the weakness of his body feels so satisfyingly familiar. To days when there was pain but no cancer and he loves the triumphant that washes over him.

The water is warm and stale, left there by Emily yesterday when she'd forced him to take his medicine (even though he thought he'd throw it back up and he had). It kills the ache of his throat, dry and bitter, and he clears his throat softly to take the rest away.

"Emily," he whispers. Moving his lips cracks the dried blood on his face he grimaces as he smells the thick scent of the blood. "Emily, get up." He won't leave her to sleep in this chair all night. He's made the mistake plenty of times, knows it's no good. "Come on," he touches her arm, palm against her bare skin. She jumps his touch is so cold. "Sorry, sorry–"

She really sees him and jumps even harder. Yelping in shock. "Oh! Oh, God!" She wraps her arms around her chest, breathing quickly, startled. "Fuck Aaron," she shouts. "You scared the shit out of me!"

He rubs his nose, tries to dislodge the blood.

"Is– Is something wrong?" She pushes her hair back from her face, "are you okay?"

God. He's hurt her irreparably, hasn't he?

"Nothing." He offers his hand, even if the hand trembles visibly enough in the low light. "Nothing, I promise." She takes his hand, allowing him to guide her up. "You shouldn't sleep in that chair," he informs her softly but still with that distinct fussiness to his voice.

She looks back to the chair and up at him, "I guess I've finally been caught."

He smiles. The first time he'd put two and two together he was angry. Overly frustrated, seething over something so… sweet. She'd sat with him through the night, watching him sleep, just trying to be close and he'd been mad. Not now, though, now he can see how tired he is. He can feel her hand still clutching his. "It's okay," he shrugs. "It's late, let's go to bed."

She frowns, brows crinkling as she looks around them in confusion. Sleep riddled brain torn between the rational thought that concludes he's right, she should go to bed, and the worry she'd felt hours ago about leaving him in this room. She's not sure what to do now, which thought to travel and act upon.

"Do you–" he looks down at the thrown back covers on his bed. Remembers this wouldn't be the first time she's slept in that bed beside him. Likely more than just the memories he can think of now, unprompted. He blushes, embarrassed he even had the thought but she looks down to and nods.

She doesn't want to leave him alone.

He doesn't want to be alone.

They start side by side, neither entirely comfortable. She falls back to sleep first. He can feel her breath even back out and within a few minutes she turns over towards him, her hand resting over his wrist. He looks back to his office chair, the giant back of the old thing. She's so afraid to lose him, they all are. He can feel it in every little thing that they do. How Dave lingers a little more after each visit, hugs him a little longer. The way Derek looks at him, how close he stands. Even in Spencer and Jack who soak up his attention like flowers to the sun. Turning and facing him, finding him wherever he is to enjoy just one more moment. Hanging on to his every word.

He wakes soaked in sweat, shaking as Emily talks to someone rushed, too quickly to sound anything but frantic. Afraid.

He opens his eyes as a sea of red flushes through the room, the shrill of an ambulance breaking up the serene silence the snow has muffled the Earth with.

"Aaron?"

She'd woken to him struggling to breathe. Both had turned over in the night and while she'd turned toward him, he'd turned away from her. Her arm over his hip, her head against his back, they were nearly welded together. If not for the proximity– his arm pulling hers closer, her leg in-between his, she likely wouldn't have heard him at all. But she'd felt him jerk in his sleep, fighting his body for air.

And he wouldn't wake up.

"Aaron?" she calls a second time. She should go open the front door, let the EMTs in but she'd seen a sliver of his eye. His cheek is cold against her palm but she cries, tears streaming when he opens his eyes. When he turns his face into her palm. "There you are," she beams. His eyes slide back shut. "Stay awake," she asks, her nerves getting the best of her and she shakes him. Pleased when his eyes open back up and find her. "Stay awake, don't you want to see the snow?"

The stretcher is cold and he mourns the loss of his thick comforter but the drugs flooding into his blood makes him loose, pliable. He doesn't fight being taken from his bed, even if he longingly looks back for it. Lets them strap his legs down place an oxygen mask over his face. The snow means nothing to him. He hates it, honestly, but as they step outside, Emily tossing his winter coat of him like a blanket, he looks up at it falling down on him.

Her hand slips away and he looks back for her, confused. She stands in the street, face turned to the fat snowflakes falling around her. All the light coming from street lamps high above her head. He's reminded of a lifetime ago. When she'd gone against his orders and gone to investigate Michael's death with a ferocity he hadn't seen coming. When she'd avoided his eye and said she'd understand if he wanted her badge and gun after that little show. She'd forced his hand, made him call the Vatican, and consider his own allegiances. To when they were two very different people than they are now– younger, naive… alone.

She catches up to them, slipping her hand back into his. Her fingers freezing cold as they curl around his. "Don't you love it?" she asks. She looks back out, watching until the doors shut behind them and all she has is a tiny window.

He doesn't but she does.

She looks young, weightless.

In a way, yes, he does love it.