"Jay? You with me?"
Hailey waved a hand in front of his face trying to get his attention.
Jay blinked a couple of times before slowly nodding and she was amazed that he had finally recognized her presence.
They had met for a quick breakfast before they went to work, but she had only needed to see him for less than a second to understand he was not well, not even close. But Jay, being just Jay, wouldn't admit he was feeling bad.
He shook his head, "Sorry, I zoned out for a sec."
"Hey." Hailey reached across the table touching his hand, "Talk to me."
But at her touch, he tensed as he moved nervously in his chair.
"I'm fine."
"Jay..."
"Just let it go, okay? I'm fine."
He brushed her off indifferently before taking a sip of coffee and smiling at her as if nothing had happened.
But the obvious dark circles around his eyes and the way he hadn't really met her eyes yet was something she couldn't really stop focusing on.
They were silent for a few minutes, until Jay sighed deeply in front of her.
"It's just a case...you know, it's a war vet."
He shrugged indifferently, meeting her eyes for only a few seconds.
Hailey tilted her head as she leaned over the table a little, but before she could talk, he silently shrugged.
"So what are you doing today?"
Jay smiled at her again as he stole a piece of her bagel and her heart fluttered a little in her chest. They ended up in a light conversation interrupter with long silences. She knew he just wanted to distract her to avoid talking about how he was feeling again and she silently played his game. But his gaze was always so far away from her - like he wasn't even there, like his mind was a thousand miles away - and she really had no idea how she could help him.
Hailey got stuck under his arm as they walked towards the precinct. They had met at a diner not too far from there so that Jay was already close by.
"Hey."
She pinched his side trying to get his attention because, again, it looked like he wasn't even there with her.
He tightened his grip lightly on her shoulders.
"Hey to you."
Hailey glanced at him and felt a weight sink into her stomach.
She had never seen him so lost and her instincts just told her that something from his past - something he didn't want to face - was consuming him so deeply that he almost slipped away from reality.
"Jay. Please."
She barred his way by spreading her arms and she knew she looked almost desperate but she couldn't shake that unpleasant and cursed feeling.
"What?"
This time he sighed louder than she would have thought and Hailey held her breath for a second.
"Talk to me. If something has happened, just...talk to me. "
"Hailey, it's just a case, okay? A case!" Jay ran his hands through his hair and sighed loudly again.
"Okay, it's just..." She searched for the right words, "I don't like it if you're like this, I'd like to help you…"
He cut her off with a wave of his arm and turned to face her. His face had suddenly become inexpressive and she couldn't find in his eyes even a trace of the man she knew.
"Don't analyze me, clear? Don't do it, never do it."
His voice was cold and Hailey took a step back. It was too easy for her to remember her last relationship, to remember how it ended. He couldn't know it, but she did. She knew very well what mistakes she had made the previous time.
And the weight in her stomach went up along her body, squeezing her throat in a deadly grip and it was suddenly so hard to breathe.
She shook her head a couple of times, "That's not what I meant to do. But if you need someone to talk to and you don't want it to be me..."
"Don't...don't do it!" Jay took a step back, "I don't need to go to therapy."
"I'm not saying that, I..."
"You don't know anything about me, okay? I don't need a babysitter. I'm fine."
He looked at her one last time before turning his back to her and leaving. Hailey saw him cross the street, up the few steps in the district and disappear behind the door.
And not once had his gaze turned to look for her.
Hailey stared at the district doors, standing in the middle of the sidewalk, for what could be an eternity and only the sound of her phone in her jeans pocket suddenly dragged her out of her nightmare.
She declined the call from Meghan, who probably just wanted to ask about her being late, and she went back to her car. The journey to her office was confused and lost in a haze of indifference. She didn't even remember the street she had traveled, nor where she had parked.
She only knew she had blinked and was sit behind her desk.
The light spring sun illuminated the study and she was just waiting for the first appointment of the day, it seemed to her that time did not flow, that life unfolded only outside the window - while hers was still, frozen on that morning, on his eyes and his words.
"Hey! I just made some coffee!"
Meghan made her way into her office leaving a full cup on the desk.
Hailey recognized her presence after a few seconds and smiled tightly at her, bringing the cup to her lips.
"What happened?" Meg hovered in front of her before sitting stiffly in the chair.
"Nothing, I..." Hailey shook her head, "I don't know."
A bitter laugh escaped her lips as all she thought about was Jay's defeated gaze.
"Hailey."
"Jay and I...we argued, I guess."
Meg moaned slightly collapsing in the chair, "What happened?"
She shrugged, "I don't really know. He was…weird, for the job. And I don't know."
"Hailey, don't tell me."
Meghan moaned again and she was so damn aware of her thoughts. They were the same ones she had.
She slowly nodded with the cup in front of her lips, "I know, Meg. I know."
"Okay, let's talk about it."
She shrugged again, "There isn't much to say." Meghan waited silently but she really wasn't going to tell her about Jay — he was…her private life, and she wanted him to stay that way.
"Anyway, my first appointment's coming, sorry."
She pointed to the office door with a gentle nod of her head, before returning her attention to the computer.
The conversation was over and she didn't want to talk about it anymore.
She would work things out with Jay, she just had to figure out how.
...
It had been three days since she last heard from him. After the first two days spent in an almost passive aggressive rage because, honestly, disappearing like this was rude and irresponsible even for him - or at least that was what she kept repeating trying to convince herself to give him some space - the third day had been characterized by a stomach bite of concern that seemed not to want to leave her even while she was at work.
She had spent all day with the constant thought that yeah, he surely had gone too far and didn't deserve her being worried, but at the same time she couldn't stop thinking about his haunted eyes.
She looked down at her phone, the first and only message she had sent him was a few hours earlier and had gone unanswered.
'Just tell me you're okay.'
She was hoping for some news from him, just to let her know that he was still alive, that nothing had happened, that...
"Hey, can I finish these noodles?"
Meghan waved the package of noodles in front of her and she blinked a few times into focus.
Liz and Meghan had gone to her place for dinner and ordered so much Chinese that the leftovers would probably last a few days.
While Meg fumbled with the container, Liz sat at the foot of the couch staring at her with a glass of wine in her hands.
They hadn't talked about Jay yet, but Hailey knew they were just waiting for her to say something. But what was she supposed to say? What could she have said to alleviate the panic that crept up her spine?
Hailey tossed her cell phone between the sofa cushions before stretching out on the carpet.
"Okay, I need to talk about something stupid. This week has been endless." Meg rolled her eyes dramatically and Hailey laughed.
"Well, if you want something stupid, I can tell you who called me yesterday." Liz sighed, "Thomas."
Meg straightened up spreading her arms, "The jerk!"
"Right him." She nodded.
"What did he want?" Hailey asked her, interrupting Meghan's invective.
"Eh." She shrugged indifferently, "To ask me how I was. And to apologize."
"After two months?" Meg yelled slamming her fist on the coffee table, "He cheated on you, he left and after two months he called you back? It's incredible."
"He'll have broken up with the other woman." Hailey added nodding.
"Well, he's a jerk. And that's what I told him before I ended the call."
They ended up laughing for the rest of the evening until Hailey walked them to the door. Liz was pretty tipsy and she was leaning against her backyard wall while Meghan was giving in to the fact that she would have to drag her to the car.
She greeted them and waited on the porch until she saw the lights of Meghan's car disappear down the street. She was turning to go back in when she finally saw him.
She recognized the shadow leaning against a car not far from them. She didn't need to look twice.
She just approached him slowly, the panic that coursed through her veins until moments before had now turned into a strange feeling of discomfort boiling into the stomach.
She was a few feet away from him when she froze in her footsteps. His face was stained with blood and he had placed all of his weight against his truck.
"Jay."
She reached for him, but she saw him stiffen and she stopped before touching him.
Jay looked up at her, and his tired, haunted eyes - so different from what she knew - looked at her as if he were looking for a calm in her that he no longer had.
They stared at each other in silence for a few seconds, then he sighed slowly.
"I'm sorry, Hailey. I...I just wanted to see you. But if I bothered you..."
Hailey cut him off and leaned over to him.
"Jay, you don't bother me. What the hell happened to you?"
She stroked the cut on his cheekbone with her fingertips just waiting for him to say something but Jay gave no sign of wanting to talk and, again, she found herself thanking whatever made him go to her that night.
"Come with me."
She touched his hand as she took a step back, glad he was following her. She gently pushed him into her home and closed the door behind her before noticing Jay slowly sit down on her sofa and hold his head in his hands.
"Hey."
She lightly touched his shoulder before sitting down on the carpet in front of him. She hated not knowing how to deal with him and she hated even more to see his hurt face. He didn't seem to care but she did, she could see his bruises and cuts.
"I'm sorry. For the other morning, for... "
He shook his head still tight in his hands and then finally met her eyes.
Hailey squeezed his knee, "We'll have to talk about it, Jay. We'll talk about it, but not now, okay? Now I just want to know how you are."
"No, I…" He breathed shakily and finally squeezed her hand still resting on his knee, "I've risked losing control too many times these days. You were right, Hailey, I'm not fine."
He held back a sob by shaking his head, "I'll go to therapy. I…"
Hailey got on her knees between his legs reaching out to him, her arms tied around his torso and she tucked her face into his neck. Despite the blood and dust, his skin still smelled of him and she took a deep breath as the panic began to slip from her body.
"I'm so wrong, Hailey, and I don't know if I'll ever be able..."
"No! I've already said it. There is nothing wrong with you, nothing! You just need to talk to someone, you have to believe me."
She knew she sounded almost desperate, but she couldn't bear to hear him so, so lost.
Jay pulled away from her and took her face in his hands, the tip of his fingers caressing her face as he thought about what to say to her.
"You and I are…whatever we are, it makes me feel good. You, you make me feel good. But…"
Jay closed his eyes, breathing softly, and Hailey braced herself for the impact his words would have. She should have seen it coming, the end of this relationship - she should have waited for it. But the reality was that she was unprepared to break up with him.
"But it's all on you, here." Jay stroked her cheek slowly, "The choice is yours, Hailey."
They looked at each other for a few seconds, in silence. And finally, after days, her thoughts seemed to slow down, to stop.
Her hand slipped behind his neck to the spot she knew well by now, and Jay murmured a light sigh.
"I'll be here while the storm passes, Jay."
Something flickered quickly in his eyes, but unlike so many other times, Jay didn't hide it - it was fear, and disbelief.
"You have no idea... What if I'll scare you?"
"Jay."
Hailey tilted her head to one side looking at his green eyes in the dim light of her living room, "There's nothing about you that could scare me."
"You don't know that."
"And neither do you. I'm not going anywhere."
Hailey ran her fingers through the hair on the back of his neck and he smiled slowly, still amazed, nodding, as his breath brushed her face.
Hailey closed her eyes brushing her lips with his and immediately recognizing his taste. It was just Jay - despite everything, it was still Jay.
Jay was coming back to her and this time Hailey would do everything in her power to keep him from slipping away.
His heart was beating hard and rhythmic under her hand on his chest as his lips moved against her. Jay twisted a hand into her loose hair, as he always did, nudging her lightly towards him.
It was amazing how right his arms were wrapped around her, how soft his hands were against her - his skin like a touch she'd been waiting for all her life.
"Hey." Hailey pulled away from him touching the cut on his cheekbone, "Let's go see these cuts?"
"It's nothing. Just a violent arrest."
"Just let me check them, okay?"
She dragged him to his feet pulling him to the bathroom, their fingers intertwined and tight - as if to remember that he had come back to her, that he was looking for help.
She pushed him to sit on the edge of the tub as she searched for the med kit in the bathroom cabinet.
"I was fine sitting on the couch, though."
"I guess." Hailey chuckled and saw his tired smile shine in the mirror.
And, again, she promised herself that she would take care of him. He was a good man with a good heart - and that was probably his biggest problem - and, in his own way, he was choosing her.
"Head up." She patted him on the shoulder before dropping a few drops of hydrogen peroxide on the cut on his cheekbone. And immediately, he narrowed his eyes and released a groan.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry." She said dabbing the cut with cotton, "No stitches needed. Not even on the cheek, I'd say."
She disinfected the cut on his cheek, holding back a laugh at his expression. He looked like an unhappy child, with narrow eyes and clenched fist against his jeans.
A bruise was already forming on the side of his temple and she let her fingers run over the purplish edge.
Coming home injured was normal for him, but not for her. She probably would never get used to seeing him come back like this. But when his hand draped down her hip until his fingers intertwined in the waistband of her jeans, she came back to watch him.
His eyes were still haunted, but there was something that made them a more limpid green, a calm she hadn't seen in days.
"It's been a lousy three days, you know." He started shakily speaking, "But I didn't understand how much I was getting lost until..."
Jay shrugged and Hailey, still standing in front of him, slipped her hands behind his neck.
"He was a war vet and I thought I could save him because…"
"You saw yourself in him."
He sighed slowly as he rested his forehead against her stomach. Hailey absently ran her hands through his hair, taking a step closer to him.
"His mission was a suicide one, Hailey. And I realized it too late."
"Hey, no." Hailey lifted his head, "Don't do this to yourself. You are not him, you are not him."
She cupped his face with her hands preventing him from moving away and bent her head to kiss him - slowly and relaxed.
She pulled away from him as his hand ran over her skin over the waistband of her jeans and she knew that if she got lost in that feeling she would never be able to stop.
"I have a lot of great Chinese food leftovers waiting for you, do you want some?"
Jay grunted as he leaned his forehead against her stomach again, before standing up and putting his arms around her.
She felt so small compared to him, but letting her arms slide around his torso and burying her face against his chest was something that became so natural to her.
His heart was pounding under her ear and she tightened her grip a little tighter around him.
"Let's go eat these leftovers."
He walked past her and smiled over his shoulder and her heart skipped a beat, like every time.
Jay had returned to her, he was entrusting himself to her, so that she could know, understand and love the darkness that lived within him - maybe it was the only way he knew to save himself.
Jay had gone back to her and Hailey promised herself that she would do whatever she could to keep him from disappearing again.
I'll be super quick!As always, thank you all - you are so precious and I don't really know what to say.As always, one-cpd, my angel.And as always, I can't wait to know what you think about all of it.Talk soon, H.