Hailey rolled over in the blankets reaching out to his side of the bed, finding it empty and cold.
"Jay?" She called him softly, snapping out of bed.
The painkiller pills were still on his bedside table with the glass full of water next to them, in the same position she had placed them the night before.
She took light steps down the stairs after checking he wasn't in the bathroom and finally found him standing in front of the kitchen window.
"Hey."
She slipped her arms around his waist resting her cheek against his back breathing in his scent, "How do you feel?"
"Like an idiot with a broken wrist." Jay responded by squeezing her hands that were tied over his stomach.
"Jay, what's going on?"
He snorted lightly before turning to her and resting his chin on her head.
"I'm pissed off. I broke my wrist."
Hailey sighed softly, holding back the laughter that was escaping her hearing his words.
Jay had managed to sleep most of the night, occasionally waking up from back pain. And with the sleep he had had the previous day, he had managed his wrist too without straining it.
"You only have to keep the cast for a few weeks." She shrugged and gave him a quick kiss on the jaw before making the coffee.
"Yeah, okay. But…" Jay groaned in frustration as he sat down, "A wrist in a cast, Hailey. I can't do anything."
She laughed out loud, "You're catastrophic. I'm sure after this first week you can go to work to do some desk job."
Jay moaned louder rubbing his face with his hand.
"I hate desk duty."
"You're such a child." Hailey set a cup of tea in front of him and laughed when she saw Jay wrinkle his nose and she anticipated his words, "No coffee for you. Will warned me about it."
"Please, don't listen to him. Just give me some coffee."
Hailey moaned exaggeratedly taking a long sip of coffee and Jay gave her a dirty look.
"If you loved me, you'd give me coffee."
"I love you so much." Hailey smiled at him from behind the mug, "But you won't drink coffee."
"Yeah, whatever." He brushed her off with a snort, "We have plans today."
Hailey stopped to think for a second but she was pretty sure she hadn't forgotten anything. "Like, you and me?"
"You and me, yeah."
"Oh, and what?"
He shrugged and disappeared around the corner, "I'm going back to bed, you coming?"
Hailey giggled quickly cleaning up the kitchen, but before climbing the stairs, her gaze stopped on the cabinet drawer in the living room and she froze, staring at it.
It wasn't time yet, she repeated to herself taking a deep breath and pushing the thought of that damned letter into the corner of her brain.
She found Jay already in bed trying to place a pillow behind his back. She was delighted to crawl under the blanket beside him as the first morning light began to illuminate the room.
She intertwined her legs with his, absorbing his body heat as her hand gently slipped under his t-shirt to rest against his hip.
Hailey hummed happily with her eyes closed as Jay's hand slowly slipped through her hair in a soft movement until it lulled her into a light sleep.
"Hey, you up? Hailey, are you awake?"
His voice pierced the mist of her doze as his lips dragged a sloppy kiss down her cheek.
"No." She stuck her head under the pillow with a grunt.
Jay laughed as he turned as far as his cast allowed him, "Hailey. I'm hurt and I want a kiss."
She opened one eye as he pouted at her and pinched her nose.
"You want a kiss?"
"Yes." He nodded proudly, "I think I deserve it. To cheer me up for the broken wrist."
"Smart."
Hailey smiled slyly crawling towards him and met his lips softly. Jay smiled in the kiss as his hand twisted into her hair.
If there was one thing that Hailey had learned in those months with him, it was that she would never want to let him go. She just squeezed her arms a little tighter around his neck to keep him from walking away.
Every time they kissed, every time they hugged, every time they held each other.
There was something in the warmth of his body against her - his gaze on her - that never stopped warming her from within.
It was everything she didn't know she would ever deserve - she would ever find.
...
"Does your wrist hurt? Do you want to get something?" Hailey asked hearing Jay's footsteps approach the bedroom.
When she got no response, she slowly rolled over and opened her eyes. He was standing leaning against the door and his phone in his hand.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm taking a photo of you."
He said as if it were obvious and she pushed herself onto her arms to get a better look at him.
"And why?"
"No reason. You're beautiful, that's enough for me."
She blushed and sank into the pillow smiling when she heard his steps towards the bed.
"Now you can get up."
"Or you can go back to bed with me and we could stay here and sleep all day."
"Hailey." Jay snorted impatiently, "We have plans today."
She watched him nibble on his lip and finally realized he was nervous. Whatever he had planned was important to him - and it was important to her.
She crawled to the edge of the bed rolling onto his legs and kissed him slowly before getting up and disappearing into the bathroom. His laugh surprised her as she was taking a shower and she watched him brush his teeth.
She could clearly see the painful expression on his face that he continually tried to disguise, Jay would never admit he needed to take something for his arm, but she knew him better than he believed.
Hailey would just wait to see him come to her, with his own timing.
...
"At the traffic light, turn right."
Jay told her scrolling his phone. She didn't answer, now resigned from asking him for more and simply followed his instructions until she parked.
Hailey closed the door, looking over her shoulder not totally convinced of what she was seeing.
"We're not seeing a house here, are we?"
Jay left a quick kiss in her hair before pushing her towards the small wooden gate hidden next to a shed.
They were greeted by a middle-aged man who shook his hand warmly as soon as he recognized him.
"Hey Mike, thank you."
"Oh Detective, we already talked about it."
He shrugged smiling, "How is Louise?"
"Much better, thanks to you."
"Luoise is his wife and was pretty important for a case of a few weeks ago." Jay explained her before turning to Mike, "And this is Hailey."
He quickly added with a smile, before Mike led them down the hall.
"Do you know you could also enter through the main entrance, Detective?"
"Yes, but I wanted it to be a surprise."
"Oh." The man froze looking at Hailey with a slight smile on her lips and she felt a rush of nervousness slide down her spine.
She hated surprises - she had always hated them. And the fact that Jay looked so happy and nervous at the same time didn't help her calm down.
"Well, Hailey. This is your surprise then." He smiled at her again before opening the door to the long garage at the end of the yard they had crossed.
A series of barking deafened her and it took her a few seconds to see inside.
"But what…?"
"C'mon, let's see if a dog wants to come home with us."
She barred his way with her hands in her hair, "What? Seriously? This is..."
Jay laughed while passed her and entered the garage, "If you want, yes."
She and Mike followed him and Hailey couldn't really take her gaze off his back.
They were adopting a dog...
"It's all legal, eh." Mike raised his hands in front of him.
"I know, Mike, I know." Jay laughed not looking at them, he was too busy looking inside the cages.
When Hailey turned around, Mike was leaning against the door giving them some privacy and she finally allowed herself to look inside the cages. More than ten dogs were looking at them and Jay seemed completely enraptured by each of them.
She reached him and let her hand slide into hers until their fingers laced and smiled shyly as she felt his gaze on her.
"So? And no, we can't take them all."
"Yeah, you know how to kill the mood." She hit his side before taking his hand again.
"Hey." Hailey called him back after a few seconds pointing to a small dog wagging its tail.
He immediately denied, "The plate here says female. We are not getting a female."
"What? Why?"
He shrugged as he passed her, "I want a boy."
"Sorry but that isn't nice. It's like you refuse to have a daughter."
"It's not true." Jay laughed shaking his head, "I can't choose between a son or a daughter!"
Hailey rolled her eyes in exasperation, "So you want a boy?"
"Are we still talking about dogs here?"
His smile was cheeky and adorable at the same time and Hailey had to focus to avoid kissing him right there.
"Yeah, okay, a boy." She turned away from him pretending indifference, "C'mon."
Hailey was following him slowly as they continued to laugh at their future dog choice when Jay froze letting her slam into his back.
"It's him, right?" He asked confidently.
Two big blue eyes stared at them from behind the gate and she bent over her legs.
"Oh yes, please, Jay. It's him."
He let her hand slip behind her neck, tying it to her hair and Hailey raised her head to see his satisfied smile.
"Hey Mike!" He called him back after a second as his gaze was fixed on her, "Good news."
The man, who had remained on the sidelines until that moment, quickly reached them, "Oh, this boy is three years old. He arrived here a few months ago, after his owners died in a car accident. Their son moved away and couldn't keep him."
Hailey nodded feverishly, unable to hold back the enthusiasm of having found their future dog. She knew that furball would go home with them and she couldn't wait to create all the little habits with him.
She let Jay go through the last papers while she stood with the dog sitting at her feet. He was staring at Jay feverishly moving his tail.
The contrast of the black fur with his blue eyes was almost mesmerizing, and if Hailey had the chance, she would immediately dip her face into his fur.
She stood up seeing Jay walking towards them and Hailey couldn't stop herself from walking towards him waving a hand at Mike.
"All good?"
"Yup." He rubbed his hand between the dog's ears before inviting him to follow them, "Let's go Smokey, let's go home. Yeah?"
Let's go home - she wasn't used to it yet.
"Smokey?"
"It was his name." Jay wrapped his good arm around her shoulders, "I thought we might not change it."
"Smokey, it's perfect." She sighed as she walked beside them, "It's perfect."
...
They were sitting on the couch while the dog sniffed every corner of the house and Hailey laughed at her as she saw him stick his nose under the hallway cabinet.
"Did Mike say anything more about him?"
"He lived in a house with a courtyard so he knows how to behave. He has been trained to respond to his name and to follow basic orders."
The dog ran into the living room sniffing the carpet before laying down with a satisfied sigh.
"We'll have fun, right?"
"Oh, absolutely." Jay laughed and kissed her hair, "Especially if you take him to bed with us every night."
"You know it's going to happen. I can be really persuasive when I want."
Hailey smiled at him slyly and Jay stared at her for a second in silence before sighing heavily.
"Oh, I know very well, you little devil."
Hailey laughed as she slid against him and stretched her arm over his stomach.
"How's the wrist? And be honest." She threatened him knowing that he would try to downplay it.
"Ugh. It hurts. But…" He cut her off immediately, "I won't take anything."
She nodded, breathing softly as his hand slowly moved along her back.
It had been months since Jay sat destroyed on that same couch - his demons chaining him in a world of darkness that he believed he couldn't save himself from.
And now he was there, with her, their dog and what Hailey considered a much better life than she thought she deserved. His past continued to haunt him and, some nights, Hailey would spend hours reminding him of who he was, telling him that his past was not what he was anymore.
Jay was reserved - hell, she was probably even more reserved than him - but somehow he was learning how to open up to her. He was learning to show her little moments from his past, his own soul.
And it was scary and fascinating at the same time.
Jay breathed slowly beside her as he stretched on the couch until he lay on his back. Hailey dragged his head over her lap slowly running her hands through his short hair.
"So no female, huh?" She pinched his arm and Jay giggled.
"What are you talking about here now?" Jay smiled taunting her and lifting his face up to her.
"I don't know."
"Do you know that my job is to question people?"
"Shut up." She shrugged, caressing his jaw absently.
They stayed like that for a few seconds before Jay broke the silence.
"I would like a girl, anyway."
She didn't expect this answer and her head lowered to be able to look at him. "Yeah?"
"Mmm mmm. I really have no idea how to raise a boy. I mean, I think I know how I wouldn't want to raise him."
"This is already a starting point." She whispered.
"What about you?"
She looked at him in confusion for a second. Her mind had wandered away from there, from that living room and that conversation.
"Have you ever thought about children?"
"Oh. I don't know if I want them." Hailey says smiling bitterly and shrugging.
Be the mother of a human being who would base its early life on her? She didn't really think she could do it. Helping people get better was the meaning of her life. She was never going to be able to create someone out of nothing - it wasn't something her past would allow her to do.
Jay raised his head slightly to be able to look at her.
"Well, it's not like you have to have them."
"This is what society expects, though."
"Screw society."
His response made her laugh and when she looked down, she saw Jay looking at her in silence.
"But you want them." She whispered.
Jay looked at her silently for a few seconds, "I'd like to have them, yeah."
She smiled bitterly shaking her head, "That's what I thought."
"Hailey." He breathed softly, his hand brushing her face, "I think you're just thinking too much."
"Or maybe you too little." She blurted out and when she saw him take a breath to talk, she anticipated, "What if someday I'm not enough for you?"
He shook his head trying to get up, but her hands held him stretched out against her legs. Hailey closed her eyes away from his gaze.
"Hailey, what are you talking about?"
She blinked hearing his words and, seeing his puzzled expression, she couldn't help but wonder how the hell they got to talking about this.
"Hey." His hand crept up to hers, interlacing their fingers, "We have time. To do whatever we want. We have time, okay?"
She closed her eyes, breathing slowly, and something very similar to the future passed through her mind. A future she would never believe in - something, she knew, only Jay could offer to her.
...
"Hails, I'm home!"
The sound of Jay's voice woke Smokey and it made he ran like lightning to the door.
He had lived with them for two days and had dropped into the role of house dog all too easily.
He had spent the evening lying on the couch next to Hailey with his head on her lap while Meghan and Liz kept them company.
Jay had had to go to the district for a couple of hours to help Kim with some desk job and, not being able to drive yet, he had to wait for Kim to give him a ride home.
Smokey's paws rattled on the floor as he hopped between Jay's legs who made it to the living room in time to see Meghan get up off the carpet and raise her glass of wine towards him.
"Hey Jay." Liz, the quietest among them, smiled cheerfully at him as Hailey reached out to give him a quick kiss on the cheek.
"How was your day?"
He shrugged, "All right. Kim used me."
Hailey laughed shaking her head, "So you let off some nervous energy."
"I'm not nervous."
"Oh, please. You have been home for a few days and you are already going crazy."
The other two girls laughed when they saw Jay snort as he poured himself a glass of water.
Meghan leaned her back against the couch before saying the words that would stop time.
"So Jay, what do you think of Hailey's job offer in Atlanta?"
The clatter of the glass against the table boomed into the living room as Meghan squeaked from the kick Hailey had thrown at her.
"You have a job offer?"
Jay took a few steps towards them with an almost alarming slowness. Hailey knew him well enough to recognize the trembling tone of voice, but she had to admit he looked really calm.
"Oh, yeah…"
"In Atlanta?"
She nodded and remained silent.
"It's…cool and a great opportunity, I guess." He squeezed her shoulder in a gentle grip with the shadow of a smile on his lips before calling Smokey and taking his leash.
"Jay!" Hailey jumped to her feet and ran to the door.
"Jay, wait!" She stopped him when he was already on the sidewalk and he slowly turned to meet her gaze with indifference.
"Can we…can we talk later?"
She tried to reach him, but he took a step back.
The distance between them was almost suffocating and the rigid gesture of his head gave her the impression of not really being able to reach him anymore.
She only went back home when Jay, dragged by Smokey, had already disappeared around the corner.
Meghan stood up seeing her enter and looked at her with a distraught expression.
"Hailey, sorry, I…I thought you two talked about it."
"Don't worry. I made a mess, I should have told him about it…I don't know."
She put a pillow in her lap and squeezed it in her hands and she could swear she could break the fabric.
She didn't really need to investigate much to understand that secrets weren't something Jay could handle.
Meghan and Liz left after less than twenty minutes. They understood their presence could only create more problems and left Hailey alone with her thoughts.
She sat in the living room, her legs crossed and the pillow in her lap, until she heard the door close behind Jay.
The patter of Smokey's paws on the floor made her smile and after a few minutes, the dog ran to the couch, crashing into her.
She absently scratched his ears as he lay beside her and she waited for Jay to walk into the living room recognizing her presence.
"Hey. We had a nice walk, he seemed to be tired at the end."
Jay avoided her gaze, sinking onto on the other side of the couch and stretched his legs out in front of him releasing a slow breath.
"Jay. We need to talk."
He sighed again closing his eyes, "Sure. So, is it a good offer?"
"It's…yeah, it's a good offer. But Jay, I wanted to tell you!"
"Okay, you're doing it now."
She knew what he was doing. She had studied psychology for too many years not to know what he was doing. He was hiding behind a facade of indifference to hide how he really felt.
"No, I should have told you first. And I wanted to do it!" She ran her hands through her hair nervously, "But you broke your wrist and then we took Smokey and, really, it just didn't make sense anymore. It didn't matter anymore, Jay."
"No, wait." He shook his head sitting up straighter, "We can think about it, can't we? It's about 700 miles from Atlanta to Chicago. We can do it, if that's what you want."
Hailey stared at him silently. His words kept repeating in her brain and she wondered if he was really realizing what he was saying.
She jumped up making Smokey moan and roll down the couch and he jumped back to lay against Jay looking at her offended.
"We can do it? But how…how do you plan to make this thing work 700 miles away?"
Hailey tied her hair nervously as Jay looked down caressing Smokey absently.
The resignation she saw on his face stopped her. He thought she would accept the offer, he was preparing for that moment.
Hailey dropped her arms to her sides.
"You want me to take the job."
"I just want you to do what you want to do. If that's what you want, you should do it. Don't…don't let me influence you." He replied by running his hand over his eyes.
He looked tired and Hailey wanted to hug him.
There was something about the way he said that last sentence that broke her heart.
She knew something about his last relationship, she knew it didn't end well and this had marked him, but that resignation...
As if he couldn't be loved enough to be chosen.
"Jay..." Hailey walked slowly up to him and rested her hands on his knees and leaned towards him, "You are part of my life."
He was silent for a few seconds before slowly shaking his head.
"I'm just saying... I want you to do what won't make you regret in the future."
"Regret? I know what you're doing but Jay, please…" Hailey slid between his knees and sat on his leg.
"I'll never ask you to stay if that's what you want from me."
She shook her head with a bitter smile on her lips.
She hoped it was simpler. For him to say what he thought, for her to say what she felt.
Hailey let her hand slide down the side of his neck as she felt him breathe slowly under her.
"The truth is that…two years ago I would have accepted this offer without thinking. But now...everything has changed. We both know it."
"Okay..."
"Yeah, okay." She laughed shaking her head.
She had no idea how he could be so aware one moment and shy the next.
"We're looking for a place together, Jay. What makes you think I want to take a job 700 miles from here? My job is not all I have."
"So, uhm…" He cleared his throat running a hand through her hair, "Why didn't you tell me?"
"Already told you. You got hurt, then Smokey came. I thought about it a few days because well, it was a good offer. But this…this is better."
He nodded slowly, a faint shade of pink lighting up his cheeks and she smiled and could almost hear him thinking.
Her hand stopped on the side of his neck, her thumb stroking his jaw, "I'm choosing this, Jay. Chicago, you."
Smokey's light snoring next to them caught their attention and Jay laughed underneath her before knotting his hand in her hair to turn her head towards him.
"You sure?"
He was serious and, again, Hailey felt her heart tighten at the thought of how insecure he might feel.
She stepped over him with one leg until her legs were around his hips - their faces facing each other.
"I'm a better person here in Chicago. My friends, my job, my patients. You." She cocked her head to the side smiling, "I'm not walking away from you."
"Okay."
The slow smile that stretched across his face made her heart beat a little faster and she leaned towards him until she brushed his lips with hers.
It was a really good job offer, but when she had told her decision to the manager in Atlanta, she had had no regret at all.
This life, this job, Jay - it was what she wanted.
He had been unexpected, but what life was giving her right now was something she really didn't think she would ever have.
His hand slid behind her neck pushing her face against his firmly and she laughed against his lips.
It was this life, the one she wouldn't really give up.