Believe Again: Wavering

Things had changed. Quite obviously so.

You drew in a deep breath, releasing a long exhale that left you feeling hollow, empty. You checked the time on your phone, and found that it was five minutes to nine. For what felt like the thousandth time, you craned your neck, glancing around and scanning for any sign of him.

The sound of footsteps to your right then startled you, and you snapped your head in that direction, your entire body leaning forward so your butt was at the edge of the bench.

You felt your body sag once again, deflating in disappointment when it just turned out to be a middle-aged office lady passing by. She spared you just a glance, eyebrow arched ever so slightly at your desperately hopeful eyes. You averted your gaze quickly, sitting yourself back onto the bench and waiting for her to walk by you before you turned your head to the empty spot next to you.

Your eyes stung, and you allowed your gaze to rest on your lap as you wrung your hands restlessly.

This was already the third day.

You thought back to the time when you last saw him, when you had been uncharacteristically bold as you touched him, leaned in closer than you ever had to look at him. You had been certain that you hadn't mistaken the feelings swirling in his mint eyes then. They had reflected the emotions in yours, the longing, the curiosity, and the tiniest hint of fear. Fear of making another move, fear of breaking whatever it was you had between the both of you.

Now, you weren't so certain anymore.

It was all your fault. You just hadn't been thinking at the time, when you reached out towards him, lost in the attraction that drew you nearer to him in that moment. And all that did was repel him, and it might well be for good.

Then again, you could be wrong. You weren't the only one who wanted to be here. That much, you were sure of. He had shown it time and again, through the subtle expressions he would make and the limited words that he allowed himself to speak. Perhaps he had fallen sick. It might be the ice cream. Or maybe some family issues had cropped up back home, between him and his brother. Maybe his brother hadn't like you, and had persuaded him not to see you again.

Or maybe it was just that he didn't want to see you anymore.

You checked your phone again, only to find that it was already fifteen minutes past nine. It was time to go. You couldn't wait here all night long; you had things to do.

You tried to comfort yourself with the thought that perhaps you would get to see him tomorrow.

Only, a small part of you didn't quite believe that anymore.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

He didn't know how long he had been doing this already. Here he was, laying on his bed, throwing his rubber ball against the wall with a resounding thump, catching it in his hand, and throwing it again. Throw, catch. Throw—

He missed it, and let out a small groan as he watched it bounce off the side of his bed and straight into the bin under his desk. Too lazy to get up and fetch it, he sighed and rested his left arm under the pillow that his head was resting on, while he let his right arm dangle off the side.

As he stared at the ceiling blankly, he could hear the clock on the wall ticking away, almost tauntingly. He felt multiple knots in his stomach when he realized that it was already half past seven. Should he go see her? If he ran out now, he might still be able to catch her.

At that moment, the intimate memory of that day surfaced in his mind: her leaning in close to him, cleaning the ice cream stain on his neck, the smell of her, his desire to touch and hold her with his filthy hand.

"Don't move."

He sucked in a sharp breath and set his jaw, screwing his eyes shut. He couldn't go, now that he knew... now that he knew what, exactly? What were they? He couldn't describe... whatever they were. He couldn't tell what it was that he felt whenever his thoughts drifted towards her as he daydreamed or stared into space. He didn't understand what it was that made his heart beat faster whenever she came too close, or why he felt so comfortable just having her by his side in the evenings on that bench. He didn't want to understand either. These thoughts... they were scary. He wished there was a way he could empty them from his head.

Maybe there was. All he needed to do was convince himself that she wouldn't stay there forever. After all, that was how things worked: everyone would leave you eventually. She would too, inevitably. There was no reason for her to go there anymore. She had said it before: she would stop going there once he did.

So Saeran decided to drag himself out of bed, dressed in the red tank and black sweatpants that he had slept in, and he sneaked out the door before MC or Saeyoung could nag at him to get dinner. He hadn't had much of an appetite the past few days, and like the worrywarts they were, they had made an unnecessarily huge fuss over it.

Although, he had to admit, he was quite thankful that neither of them had asked him about why he hadn't been going to the park like he usually did. It was clear that they knew something was up. He could tell from the worried, curious glances they exchanged when they thought he wasn't looking. It was just a matter of time before they starting bombarding him with questions though.

The air outside was still, unmoving. The sun had long set, and now the sky was a deep ocean blue. There weren't many people left at this time, most of them having gone home to have dinner. It was nice, being able to walk out here alone. He used to take late night walks, when there was not a single soul around, and he had the whole park to himself. He liked the serenity of it, as if he was the only one who existed in that time and place, as if he owned everything that he laid his eyes on.

However, a few people would still pass by him every now and then, considering it was still relatively early. Each time someone passed by or came into view in the distance, he would feel oddly unsettled, and he couldn't decide if it was because he wanted one of them to be her, or because he desperately didn't want to run into her.

Perhaps it was a mix of both.

It wasn't a long walk, and the familiar surroundings indicated that he was near, but the closer he got, the more hesitant he became. His footsteps became silent as he slowed down his pace. He knitted his brows, suddenly contemplating once more if he should have come here at all. What would he do if she wasn't there? The thought alone was enough to send his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach, but then when he considered that she might be there, a pool of dread formed in his chest. Either result would make him feel miserable.

Maybe he shouldn't have come here. But, his curiosity was getting the better of him. He wanted to know, to get a definitive answer, rather than playing around with the 'what-ifs' in his head. He hated those; he had been tormented enough by those questions back when he was waiting for Saeyoung to come back for him.

He promptly bit down on his gum, pushing the bitter memories to the back of his mind. That was in the past now. Right now, he had other things to worry about. He just had to look past this tree, and he would have a clear view of the bench where they always met. From where he stood, it was blocked cleanly by the thick trunk of the tree, and this again, only served to remind him of the encounter he had with her just a few days back.

Inhaling deeply, Saeran took a single step forward. Enough with his wishy-washiness. He had to get this over and done with now.

Besides it was already this late. What were the chances of her being there, waiting for him—

...Ah.

Saeran's mind drew a blank then, and he nearly forgot how to breathe.

It was only when his lungs started protesting for want of air that he came to his senses and took a good couple of steps back.

His mind went into a frenzy then, trying to decipher if he had just seen wrong, or if he had just hallucinated. So he hastily peeked around the trunk of the tree once more, just to confirm it.

And there she was still, seated on the bench, her back hunched slightly as she seemed to heave a long sigh. He could only see her side profile, and he couldn't help but marvel at how curiously beautiful she looked, seated there all by herself, quietly gazing at the lone star that had just appeared in the blackening sky.

Was this how he had looked like when she first discovered him here every day?

Fighting the flush that threatened to spill onto his cheeks, he lowered his gaze, and ducked behind the tree again, in case she spotted him.

It was already the third day, and there she was, still waiting for him.

People would eventually leave. He still believed that.

But gazing at her lone figure now, he found himself wavering.

Saeran leaned over to see her again, careful not to make a sound on the grass. There was a jogger passing by, and her reaction when she heard him coming was instant. Her head jerked in his direction, her entire body at attention as she leaned forward. And then in the next moment, she was leaning back against the bench again, her shoulders sagged and her eyes downcast.

He had an urge to go up to her right now, to apologize for avoiding her for the past two days, but the dread and fear of talking to her again kept his feet rooted in the dirt.

Turning his eyes to the night sky that she was looking at as well, he was brought back to the time when he had been taken to the cabin with MC, Saeyoung and Vanderwood. A lump formed in his throat, as he recalled that night, when he had betrayed them both and put their lives in danger.

Quite absently, he brought his hand up to his right arm, and he winced when he accidentally put a little too much pressure on a particular spot through the bandages that dressed his arm.

The sharp sting was enough to jerk him to his senses. His gaze lingered a little more on her, watching her take out her phone, presumably to check for the time, before he stuffed his hands in his pockets and hid behind the tree again.

Perhaps Saeyoung was right about her, and if he was, that was even more reason to stay away, hidden in the shadows where he belonged.

Because he was a monster, and once she found out about that, she would leave all on her own.

But, there was no need for her to know that. He just had to make the first move.

With that in mind, he turned around, quietly making his way down the path back home.

A/N: And this marks the start of the angst.

:')