Believe Again: Alone Again
Grey. Black. White.
That was about all the sky could offer you, in addition to the downpour of cold rain shards that had you drenched to the bone, your clothes heavy and clinging to your cold wet skin. You had zipped your bag close, hiding it under your jacket to keep it as dry as possible, although everything inside was probably soaked by now. It would be troublesome having to dry them all off later, but at least there weren't any papers in your bag.
You didn't need to glance around you to know that there was nobody around. All you could hear was the sound of rain pelting down on the earth and the distant rumbling of thunder. The occasional flash of lightning made it look like the sky was cracking, as if it would come apart at any given moment and come crashing down on you.
It was a Friday. But the ice cream truck wasn't here. The children weren't here. He wasn't here. All around you, there was nothing familiar about your surroundings. It was foreign, cold, alien to you.
Cold. Too cold. You hugged your arms to your body, shivering at a chill that went down your spine. You were wet, freezing and in need of dinner, but here you were, waiting in the rain for a man who was probably not going to show up.
You should probably give it up now. You knew you should. It was the logical thing to do. Saeran wouldn't be coming, and he had made that very clear with his absence for the past week.
And yet, you refused to leave, 'what if's still swimming in your head, clinging to you. Or maybe you were clinging to them. What if he decided to come today, and you missed him because you couldn't wait just a few minutes more? What if he came and didn't see you here, and thought that you too, didn't want to see him anymore?
"He's just... scared of opening up sometimes, because he's been hurt before."
What if he was just running away, like his brother had mentioned before?
You remembered the time he had been here in the rain. Granted, dry under his umbrella, seated here on the bench, quietly watching the grey sky. Alone, like a character in a sad movie. That was how it had always been, you realized, from before you met him. He was always alone.
Until you decided you wanted to change that.
It warmed your heart when you thought back to that day, when he had given you his name, and when you had found out that he already knew yours. You still hadn't gotten around to asking him how he came to learn your name in the first place.
The only thing was, you didn't know if you would have a chance to do that anymore.
Stupid. Why didn't you get his phone number or something that you could use to keep in touch with him? It was frustrating, painfully so. It made your eyes sting with tears yet again, though you couldn't tell if you managed to blink them all back, what with all the droplets of rain sliding down your face.
A sigh. Then you unzipped your bag and checked the time on your phone.
8.30pm. You preferred to stay till 9, but your fingers were ice cold, and keeping them in the pockets of your jeans or warming them against your neck wasn't helping anymore. Every part of your body was freezing, and you knew you had to leave soon. At this rate, you would end up sick, and that would mean even more days not coming here to wait for him.
So with one last scan of your surroundings, you took off for home at the next crackle of thunder.
The soft pitter patter at the windows was gradually morphing into a steady shower of background noise that helped to fill in the silence in the man's room. He was curled up on his bed by the window, looking out at the dark, gloomy sky.
He couldn't see much from his window; just the main road lined with a couple of trees swaying with the strong winds outside, and the sight of umbrellas as people hurriedly made their way home. Occasionally he would sit up with a jolt when he thought he saw someone who looked like her pass by, only to be disappointed and annoyed with himself when it turned out to be nothing more than his own imagination.
It was a Friday. A week had already passed since their last meeting. Quite absently, he wondered if the ice cream truck would be there as it usually was, and if she was there, at the bench, eating ice cream alone with an untouched, melting cone in her other hand. But it was raining, so maybe she was seated at the bench with an umbrella, waiting for him.
Or perhaps, she wasn't there, the park void of its usual visitors.
He grimaced, knocking his forehead against his knees that were hugged to his chest and running both hands through his messy bed head. He was getting tired of this. Sick and tired of feeling this way and having to deal with... with whatever it was that he was feeling.
He hated that it felt similar to the time when he was waiting for Saeyoung to come back for him. He hated that he wanted to go back and look for her, be it at the park or at her house, just to see her. And then he hated that he would be too scared to say anything to her, to find her, only to run away again.
He hated that he was a coward.
He hated that he was a monster.
He hated himself.
Saeran punched his sheets hard, once, twice, thrice, just to release some of the pent-up frustration that had been building in him for the past few days. Stupid, stupid stupid. What was he doing, really?
He ignored the knocking that came on his door then. He had locked it, there was no way Saeyoung or MC were getting in. They had been doing this since yesterday, wanting to talk to him, but he just wasn't in the mood to talk. He wasn't in the mood for anything, really.
He just wanted to be alone. Like he used to be.
Just then, the door clicked open, causing his head to snap up in the direction of the intruder. He shot a glare at Saeyoung, who was now sending him a sheepish smile while proudly holding up a pin.
Saeran hadn't put it past his brother to pick the lock on the door. He just hadn't thought Saeyoung would actually have the guts to do it.
"Hey," his brother began.
"Get out of my room," was his immediate reply as he turned back to the window, refusing to meet Saeyoung's gaze.
"I just thought, maybe we could talk about—"
"No. Go away."
He heard a sigh, and then the room door shut close, but it wasn't because Saeyoung had left. The older man padded across the room and wheeled the chair from Saeran's desk to the bed, sitting down and placing a hand on his shoulder. "Please, Saeran. MC and I are worried about you."
Saeran promptly shrugged his hand off. "Don't be."
Another sigh. "If it were that easy, you wouldn't be holing up in your room every day and sulking over that girl."
Saeran opened his mouth, ready to retort his brother, but nothing reasonable came to mind. Touché. In response, he pursed his lips and they turned down in a scowl as he looked away from his brother.
"Did something happen? Why haven't you been going to the park to meet her these past few days?"
Saeran shook his head. "It's nothing."
"Yeah, and Elly is a dog," he muttered quite humorlessly. "Seriously, tell me, Saeran. Was it because of that time when I went to meet her? Is this my fault?"
Saeran looked up to meet his brother's gaze then, and a pang of guilt hit him when he saw the fear and pain that filled his eyes. Saeyoung was always like this, thinking everything was his fault when it came to his younger brother. Admittedly, he had been pissed off when he snapped at Saeyoung last week and told him that everything was his fault, but Saeran knew better. Saeyoung had nothing to do with this complicated turn of events. Sure, he may have contributed to a part of it, but this was bound to happen anyway, regardless of whether or not he stepped in with his ridiculous pranks.
"Stop thinking you're involved in everything, idiot," he mumbled, much to his brother's relief. Saeyoung exhaled, his stiff shoulders relaxing a little as he broke into a small smile, before it was replaced by a frown again.
"Then, why?"
"I don't want to talk about it," he stated sternly, feeling irritation begin to bubble up in him.
There was a short pause, likely because Saeyoung was deliberating if he should press Saeran for an answer.
He didn't.
Rising to his feet, the older redhead released a long exhale before saying, "Your dinner is still outside. You should eat it before it gets cold. MC made your favorite today, you know." After hearing a dismissive grunt in response, he left for the door.
It clicked open as he pressed down on the handle, but before leaving, he added one more thing over his shoulder:
"You know, you should check if she's still waiting there. It wouldn't be nice if she's out there alone in the rain."
Saeyoung replied with nothing, waiting for his brother to just close his door and leave him alone. It was only when the door finally clicked close that he released his legs and sprawled them out on the bed, taking another look out the window.
What if she's waiting?
No way. It had been a week, and he hadn't shown up at all for the past few days. There was simply no way anyone would keep going there. She would have given up by now. Any normal person would take the hint and leave for good.
But then again... she wasn't the most normal girl out there, was she? It took a special kind of person to approach someone like him at the park, to get him ice cream and to be content sitting there next to him without uttering a word of conversation.
It took a special kind of person to stir all these strange feelings in him that made him experience anxiety, fear and pain in a wholly new and frankly, all too terrifying way.
She was most definitely not normal. She was strange, alien, weird.
She was... special.
Saeran spared another lingering look at the window, and all that met him was a white fog of heavy rain. The downpour had gotten worse.
Specks of water sprayed his ankles as Saeran walked through the puddles of rainwater, and he tried to ignore the disgusting feel of soon-to-be wet socks in his shoes. The wind was ridiculously strong, wrestling with the umbrella he had with him and nearly knocking it out of his hand altogether when he loosened his grip just for a second. Even though his umbrella was relatively big, his arms were still getting wet. He knew, from the growing sting in his right arm as water seeped through the bandages covering it.
He kept his eyes peeled, scanning his surroundings. There was no one else in sight. Of course. Who would be out here in this weather? She probably wouldn't be here either.
Saeran groaned, suddenly feeling the urge to slap himself for actually having taken his brother's advice. That man wasn't exactly known for practical wisdom, after all. In fact, he was the last person to listen to in times like these.
He could simply turn back now and head straight home, but then he supposed with a sigh, that since he was already halfway there, he may as well just do a quick check before returning. His socks would be getting wet either way.
So he continued on his way, unsure if the nervous climbing of his heart rate was because he wanted to see her there, or if he didn't, just like when he came previously.
And, just like before, he found her waiting there, alone, looking up at the sky, her hands clasped together as if she were praying to some being that lived behind the heavy grey clouds.
The first thing that hit him was shock, when he realized that she didn't have an umbrella with her, and that she was completely and utterly soaked in the pouring rain. Her slick, wet hair clung to her face and neck in thick clumps, and she only had a cotton jacket to cover her cold frame.
Then he felt sick, something unsettling in his stomach. It was easy enough to recognize: he was worried, to the point that it drove him insane just to keep where he was and not rush over to her with his umbrella, to offer her shelter from the rain and to give her his jacket to wear instead of her cold, wet one.
A string of curses was unleashed in his mind as he remained rooted to where he was, hidden from view, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. Questions swarmed his mind, questions of why she was standing there getting wet and risking catching a bad cold, why she was so infuriatingly stubborn, waiting for him day by day when he was clearly not going to show up, and why she was going to such lengths for someone like him.
She was a fool, he concluded. A fool like no other.
And then guilt consumed him, gnawed away at him from the inside out. Made his chest clench with an indescribable pain that made him feel sick, and wanting for oxygen. The base of his throat constricted, keeping him from making a sound even though her name was right at the tip of his tongue.
He wanted to go to her.
He wanted to see her, face to face, eyes locked on hers, to hear her sweet, sweet voice in his ears against the shower of rain all around them.
He wanted all of that so badly, but his stubborn legs refused to budge. And the growing pain in his right arm stung him back to the reality of his past and her innocence.
So all he could do was watch. Watch as she checked what presumably was her phone for the time, and look on quietly as she ran off in the opposite direction, the sound of splashing of her shoes against the puddles on the ground diminishing along with her figure.
That's right.
Go.
Get away. Get as far as possible as you can.
And stay away.
That way, he could be alone again, just like he had always been before meeting her.