Believe Again: And That's Why

A/N: I am honestly too upset to speak. I'll proofread this tomorrow or something because I can't read this through again right now.

So head's up guys, this is going to get really upsetting.

Is it true, that when people die, their souls leave their bodies and find a home up in the clouds?

The clouds today were nowhere to be seen. The sky was a clear dark blue, colors of evening already seeping in, leaving streaks of pink and orange and a bright ball of gold only visible in a corner of the distant horizon. His eyes were locked on the sky above, trying to search for even the slightest hint of a cloud, but there was none.

It didn't matter either way. That man was already dead, and Saeran wouldn't see him ever again.

The redhead dropped his gaze, letting out a long exhale before daring himself to steal a peek at the empty bench. No sign of her either. There was no him, and no her any longer. There was just a lonely bench, watching the sky all on its own.

Now she too, was gone.

It was colder than it was the night before. The tips of your fingers were numb, your legs felt weak, like they might collapse beneath you if you didn't find a seat soon, and the splitting headache made you feel light-headed, protested with every move with you made.

But you had a place to get to. And you were already late.

Your lips were parted as you panted while walking, each step feeling heavier than the one before. A chill went through your body, crawling through your skin and leaving goose bumps in its wake. Another painful pulse ran through your temple, as if someone had swung an axe down your skull. It made you halt in your tracks as your hand shot up to clutch your head, while the other pulled out your phone from your pocket to check for the time, trembling ever so slightly.

It was already 8:12pm. You bit down on your lip in frustration. You had woken up in the morning to an alarmingly high fever, and as a result had stayed in your bed pretty much the entire day, hoping it would go down before evening came.

It might have been the drowsy medicine you had taken. You had overslept terribly, and when you saw woke up to the time on your clock, panic had seized you and you had barreled out of bed a little too quickly, causing you to stumble and crash to the ground. You had made quick work of changing out of your sleepwear and brushing your teeth before hurrying out the door, praying that you wouldn't miss him.

Now, as you continued walking, you could feel your vision blur every now and then, little black dots swimming in the edges of your sight. A wave of nausea hit you as you pushed yourself ahead, willing your legs to move faster towards that bench, and you forced it down, screwing your eyes shut for moment and pinching the bridge of your nose.

He had to be there. Maybe he just hadn't come the day before because it was raining. Yes, that must have been why. Perhaps he would be here today. He just had to be. You could feel it, and it wasn't because of the haze of your fever.

...It wasn't.

Your pants were louder now, more ragged than before, as you came to a stop, staring at the small, lonely bench from a distance. You could see it from where you were, but... there wasn't any sign of him. No red hair, no face lifted towards the sky, just an empty bench.

It had been a week, and you shouldn't be surprised. And yet you found it increasingly hard to hold back the tears that were gathering in your eyes, blurring your already murky vision.

Perhaps he was just... standing somewhere around the corner. That was probably it. It just had to be.

Stubbornly, you went forward, ignoring the constricting of your throat as a tear slid down your hot cheek. You wiped it away, taking in a deep breath to compose yourself as you stepped closer.

You couldn't help that your heart sunk further with each step, however.

It took you seventeen and a half steps to get there, to place your hand gingerly on the back rest of the bench. This was where he used to sit and watch the clouds go by, where he used to eat ice cream next to you. This used to be your secret place, a special hideout just for the both of you, where no one else but you, him and the clouds existed.

And you hated that you had to refer to it all in past tense, as if you had already given up. Because you didn't want to give up. Not when you had promised his brother that you would stay by his side.

Well, in any case, you were probably better off coming again tomorrow. You would love to stay and wait for him like you usually did, but you feared a mishap involving you throwing your guts up by the side of the road would occur if you didn't hurry home soon. Your head was killing you, every pulse making you wince. All you wanted to do was lie down and nurse it. And you were cold, far too cold, even though you had a jacket on while your body felt like it was on fire.

You stumbled a little, grabbing on to the bench for support as you lost control of your legs for a moment. Black spots were swimming everywhere. You couldn't hold on much longer. Perhaps it would be better to sit for a while on the bench—

Your vision went black in that instant, and you felt all the remaining strength zapped completely from your legs as your knees buckled and sent you crumpling like rag doll.

It hurt. Not so much because you had crashed head-first to the ground or that it felt like your head was being torn in half from the inside. This pain was a different kind of agony, one that made your chest burn and ache physically, made it difficult for you to breathe.

You were barely conscious now. It was becoming increasingly onerous to keep your eyes open, even though it was insanely tempting to simply let go and slip away into the darkness. You just wanted a break from all of this. To wake up later and find that this was all just a nightmare, that the next time you came back here, he would be seated on the bench, waiting for you like he used to.

Tears stung your eyes, and there was nothing you could do to stop them from flowing freely down your cheeks. You willed your limbs to move. You had to get home; you couldn't possibly pass out here. But your body refused to listen, keeping hopelessly still despite your brain's desperate commands to get up and move.

Eventually, you gave up. There was nothing you could do, aside maybe sleep this off, or wait for someone to come to your rescue.

Either way, it was more waiting. You were starting to hate that word.

Your eyelids fell close, and you felt yourself begin to slip away. You were so tired... Maybe after a five-minute nap you would be able to walk home...

You were about to slip away entirely when you heard footsteps. Fast, hurried, urgent. They were getting louder.

And then there was someone grabbing you by the shoulders, lifting you off the ground so your head could rest against something soft and warm, something that smelled vaguely of peppermint and shampoo.

Someone was calling your name. It was a man, and he sounded strangely familiar...

Saeran.

You must have started dreaming already. You had been dreaming of him for the past few days, after all. Once you had dreamed of him taking your hand in his, your fingers interlocked while the both of you ate your ice cream with your free hands. The next day you had woken up, the dream vivid in your mind, the sensation of his hand on yours etched clearly in your mind.

That was when you realized that maybe, just maybe, you had already fallen for him, before you had even noticed.

"Hey, wake up! Pull yourself together!"

You didn't want to wake up. You didn't want to open your eyes and not see him there. You would rather stay asleep, in dreams where he still existed.

"You're burning. Idiot, why did you come here when you're running such a high fever?!"

You felt the grip on your shoulder tighten, and another arm scoop your knees up before you were no longer on the ground.

You drew in a sharp breath.

This... didn't feel like a dream at all.

It was difficult, but you managed to peek your eyes open, and when you did, you didn't dare believe that it was real. That he was real.

Because there he was, the man you had been waiting over a week for, here, carrying you and cradling your head against his chest as he walked. His lips were pursed in a thin line, his hard, steely mint eyes were glowing beautifully in the dark and his eyebrows were pressed down into a deep frown.

"Sae... ran..." you rasped, your lips lifting into a smile, only to disappear when a wave of pain swept through your head. You let out a groan, which prompted him to speak.

"Why the hell did you come when you were in this state? Do you have any idea how feverish you are right now? Were you trying to get yourself killed?" You had never heard him like this before. It was different from the time he had met his brother. His voice now was icy, his anger barely suppressed in the way he gritted his teeth and set his jaw.

But you couldn't find it in you to care about that. All you knew was that... "You came," you spoke, feeling moisture spring to your eyes as you pressed your head closer to his cotton red tank top, though not close enough that you would obscure your view of his face completely. He smelled nice. Like he had just bathed.

"You shouldn't have waited," he replied.

"I just... wanted to see you." You could care less about how needy or desperate you sounded right now. You were just overjoyed that he was here. You hadn't come here in vain, after all.

"Why? Why would you go so far for me?" His voice was getting louder with every syllable. He was livid, and you were dangerously testing his patience. "You don't know me. You don't know anything about me. How can you trust someone like me when you know nothing about my past or about the kind of person I truly am?"

"Then... help me to know more about you," you retorted, biting your lip to hold back a groan as your head pounded in protest. You couldn't hold on much longer. "I want to know more... So much more..." Your eyes were already beginning to slip shut, but you couldn't afford to sleep now. Real Saeran was here, you didn't want Dream Saeran to replace him.

Your hand found purchase on his arm, and you squeezed it, hoping you would be able hang on for just a little more.

But then he let out a sharp cry, and it startled you so much that you immediately let go of him. "S-Sorry..." you muttered, realizing quite belatedly that his right arm was bandaged.

"It's fine," he bit out. "Just don't wait for me anymore. I won't be going back."

"No, please... Saeran," you whimpered, "We can... work things out... together..."

"No, we can't."

"Saeran, I... I like you... I really do... Please..." You were losing the battle of sleep already. You might regret saying this when you woke up, but right now, it was all or nothing. The thought of losing him for good scared you, and you wished you weren't so sick. You wished that you were strong enough to grab onto him and refuse to let him go.

"I..." The anger in his voice had gone, replaced by something that resembled grief, deep-seated sorrow, regret, shame, guilt. "We can't." You managed to open your eyes one last time to see his mint eyes dazzling in the moonlight, and then a single tear fell down his cheek.

"I'm a monster. That's all I'll ever be. And that's why..."

The rest of his words faded out, mixed into a blur of background noise like a distant lullaby, as the darkness finally claimed you.

...And that's why even though I feel the same, it's impossible between us.