Believe Again: "Just Saeran"

Friday again. You could hear the chime of the bell, signaling the presence of the ice cream truck, and the excited chattering of children who were leaping to their feet and scampering over to the queue that had already begun to form.

You let out a sigh, determinedly keeping your eyes away from it. You were kind of craving ice cream at the moment... Perhaps it was just out of habit. This week, it would have been your turn to treat him.

You continued on your way, the chattering growing louder, as well as the cry of a particular child who was throwing a tantrum because his mother wouldn't get him a cone.

You had already planned it all out. Today, you were just going to walk straight home. No stopping, no distractions, no over thinking things. Just go down the path, walk past that bench as if it were any other bench in the park, because it was just an ordinary bench, after all. You wouldn't stop to stare, nor would you look at it. You would treat it like it was invisible. Ignore it. Then, there would be no melancholy or sadness. Not for that moment, anyway.

But your plans were thwarted by something completely unexpected. You were doing great. You had walked past it with no problems, and you were feeling good about it.

Until you heard someone call your name.

You didn't recognize the sweet, female voice, and when you turned around, you didn't recognize the owner of it, either. At first you thought she had been calling for someone else who just happened to have the same name as you, but then she called your name again, and you realized that she was looking straight at you.

You wondered if she was someone you were supposed to know, and you grew more anxious as she stepped closer, racking your brains to remember if she was one of your ex-classmates or something. Nothing came to mind, however, much to your dismay.

"I'm MC," she introduced, and you froze. You didn't know anyone by that name, or maybe your memory was failing you.

"Hi... Do I know you?" you dared to ask.

"No, this is our first time meeting," MC said, much to your relief... and puzzlement.

Cocking your head to the side, you asked, "Oh. How do you know my name?"

She smiled then. It was a dazzling smile, one that melted your nervousness away. Something about her was inviting, and made you feel rather comfortable being next to her like this even though you were strangers. There was this warm aura radiating from her, and she reminded you somewhat of a spring breeze. Refreshing and pleasant.

"I'm Saeyoung's wife," she replied. Even her voice was soothing to the ears. "Remember him?"

The familiar name had you chuckling. "How could I forget him?" You recalled the last time you had met him in his get-up, and when he had gotten chased by Saeran...

Saeran.

MC seemed to note the sudden dip in your spirits, for she cleared her throat and gestured for the both of you to take a seat at the bench. Apparently she wanted to speak to you about something.

"What brings you here?" you began conversationally. "I haven't seen you around here before."

"Well, I got tired of making dinner, so Saeyoung is on dinner duty tonight," she chuckled. "Goodness knows what state the kitchen will be in when I get back later."

"It can't be that bad," you offered, but she shook her head with an impish laugh.

"He likes to try all sorts of stunts in the kitchen, especially with the little robots he makes. He always thinks it's a good idea to cook with those cute little flame throwers."

"That... doesn't sound very good."

"It isn't," she admitted with a sigh. "But I wanted to talk to you today, that's why I left him there."

"I see. Is there something you want to talk to me about?" you inquired, though you already knew the answer.

"It seems things haven't been going well between you and Saeran." It was direct, straight forward. But her voice was kind, and her eyes held empathy and understanding, almost like she knew exactly what you were going through.

"Yeah," you conceded, dropping your head. "I... don't know what to do anymore."

"Do you know? About his past?"

"He mentioned that he killed a man," you answered, frowning. "I don't believe it. That's not the kind of person he is. He's... not that kind of—"

"It's true."

You swore your heart stopped for a moment. Your head swiveled towards her, and you found that her expression was now forlorn, a melancholy that didn't suit her clouding her eyes.

"It's true," she repeated, louder this time, and a long sigh followed.

"But... I don't... That's..." You couldn't picture it. Sweet, gentle, kind Saeran, killing a man. That just wasn't the Saeran you knew.

"I don't believe it," you finished, staring at your palms. "That's just impossible."

"But it's the truth," MC said firmly, turning to look at you. "That's a part of Saeran too."

"That's..."

"It's hard to believe, I know," she agreed. "Saeran, he... He didn't grow up in the best environment. He was abused, mistreated, manipulated by the people he trusted. And when it got too much for him, he just snapped, and he made a mistake. A terrible one that he still regrets to this day."

Questions swarmed in your mind, too many that you didn't know which you should ask first: What happened to him? What kind of childhood did he have? Who was the person he killed? When did it happen? Did that have anything to do with why he was pushing you away now?

"I know it's a lot to take in," MC spoke, breaking up the chaos in your head.

"Why are you telling me this?" you heard yourself ask, a mild edge in your tone.

"Because Saeran said you didn't believe him when he told you about it."

"Of course I don't," you said, your hands curling into loose fists. "That's not the Saeran I know. Up till now he's been nothing but kind, and sweet, and... he's not someone who could kill a person."

"Don't avoid it," MC replied. There was a faraway look in her eyes as she said it. "His past is what it is. And if he can't accept it, then you need to be the one to embrace it for him. Because that's what he needs right now. Not for someone to turn away from the shadows of his past, but for someone to face it head on and tell him that it's okay, that you'll stay by his side in spite of that and that you love him for who he is. Flawed, imperfect, and broken."

Avoiding... It stung when she said it, but it dawned on you that that was exactly what you had been doing: averting your gaze from the truth that he had confessed, trying to believe instead in the truth that you knew, instead of his.

"You sound like you're speaking from experience," you remarked.

The corner of her lips tugged up in a half-hearted smile. "I am. That was actually how Saeyoung and I began. He thought he was too dangerous for me, and he was dangerous, I'll admit. His job and everything he was caught up in. And he believed that keeping me out and away from him was the only way to keep me safe and happy, even if it came at the cost of his own heart."

"But you didn't give up?"

"I couldn't. I'd fallen too deeply for him by then. I think it's the same as you and Saeran right now."

"...You can tell?"

"Of course," she mused. "When Saeyoung gave me the cold treatment, I had the same expression that you do now."

You couldn't help but wonder how you did look now. "And... he's keeping me out, for the same reasons?"

"I don't think his reasons are exactly the same as Saeyoung's, but he hasn't come to terms with what he did in the past yet, that much is certain."

"So it's guilt." Maybe that was what it was, that unidentifiable emotion that you would sometimes spot in his eyes whenever he looked up at the sky. Maybe that was what had held him back when you tried to get closer before.

"Perhaps. Maybe it's something else," MC answered with a small shrug. "I don't know for sure. He never said anything to us. He never said a word about what happened before." She bit her quivering lip, as if to keep from spilling other things out. "Sometimes it's infuriating how the twins both keep things to themselves, as if they're alone in this world with no one to count on. But I guess, that was how they grew up, so I can't exactly blame them."

You weren't sure what to say. You wanted to ask about their past, what they had been through, but then a part of you knew that it wasn't the right time. So all you did was place a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it lightly in reassurance.

"Thank you," MC said, offering you a tight-lipped smile. "All I can say is, if you want to break down the wall that Saeran has put up around himself, you'll need to look at him as he is. Not the Saeran you think you know, or the Saeran you want him to be, but Saeran. Just Saeran."

Just Saeran.

Lying on your bed, you gazed up at the ceiling, smiling a little at the memory of when he had given you his name.

And back then, he had already known yours. You still didn't know how or when he had come to learn of your name without you even introducing yourself first. That man was a mystery.

"You don't know anything about me. How can you trust someone like me when you know nothing about my past or about the kind of person I truly am?"

"I'm a monster. That's all I'll ever be."

"He may not say very much, and he can be pretty cold around people, but deep down, he's a kind person. He's just... scared of opening up sometimes, because he's been hurt before. And he suffered for a long time, and at some point... he gave up on people..."

"Don't avoid it. His past is what it is. And if he can't accept it, then you need to be the one to embrace it for him. Because that's what he needs right now."

The pieces were starting to fall into place, and things were beginning to make more sense now. Why Saeyoung had said those things to you on your first meeting, why Saeran had changed so abruptly, and why he was so determined to sever all ties with you, as if you hadn't meant anything to him.

You weren't going to lie — the knowledge that Saeran had actually killed a man was finally sinking in, and so was the fear of him. Of the unknown side of him.

Perhaps this was how MC had felt, when she first discovered Saeyoung's dangerous side. When she first found out what she was really getting herself into. You'd like to think that it was normal to feel as apprehensive as you were at the moment, doubts that you couldn't keep from popping into your mind every time you thought of him.

Maybe fear was normal for a girl like you who knew nothing outside of your safe world and sheltered life.

But you concluded that what mattered more wasn't the fear, but rather, whether you would stay by his side anyway.

And you thought, maybe given a little time for all this to sink in, you would be able to do it. Stay by his side, and never let him be alone again. Because you loved him, and you had fallen far too deep for him already, so much that you felt like you were drowning.

Now all you had to do was convince him.

A/N: Wow wow quick update do I get extra hugs for this? ^^