Believe Again: Take a Chance
Update 7/12/2017: I edited this chapter so there's no more doll, it's just an audio file that MC sent to Saeran on behalf of the reader character. There are some changes to the dialogue and the chapter on the whole, if you want feel free to read it again. Thanks!
He soaked in the cool night air surrounding him, releasing a small sigh as he appreciated the soothing quietness of the park. He missed this: the carefreeness in each step, the comfort he found in the solitariness and silence. It had been a while since he could come here without having to think or constantly feel on edge for fear of bumping into a certain someone.
There was nary a soul in the area. Not surprising. It was almost 3am. 2.53am, to be precise. Any normal person would be asleep, or at least in the comfort of their own homes at this time, including her. Which meant there was no chance of him bumping into her, and no one would be out here to bother him. Out here at this ungodly hour, he could be alone, cloaked in the shadows, with the moon and stars as his only companions.
Truth be told, he still preferred coming here in the day since he could see the clouds better. The day sky was far more fascinating; its colors were never the same, always changing and unpredictable. It held many surprises that kept his eyes glued to it. But at night, the sky was just a black blanket, and the clouds were just gray patches of stuff in the night sky. Almost like stains that didn't belong up there with the soft, twinkling stars or the pretty glow of the moon.
He continued slowly down the road, inhaling the fresh air that still smelled a little of rain. It had rained just a couple hours earlier. The ground was damp, and his shoes would occasionally nudge a stray puddle of rainwater by the side of the path. The soft splashing sounds were almost musical. When he came by a particularly large one he would kick it, sending the water droplets flying and landing with a gentle, almost soundless pitter patter on the grass. The puddle remaining would ripple in protest, and slowly his murky reflection in it would clear again when it became still once more. Then the pin-drop silence in the park would resume, save for the ever-blowing breeze.
It was nice not being crammed in his room together with his thoughts for a change. Out here in the park, the heaviness of his heart and weight of his thoughts felt like a million miles away. With each kick of a puddle he would send it all flying, bit by bit, until he was empty again, so he was almost back to the way he was before he met her.
But 'almost' just wasn't enough.
He came to a stop just a distance away from that all-too-familiar bench, knots forming in his stomach the longer his gaze lingered on it. He wanted to tear his eyes away from it and move on. That was what he had come out here to do: to forget, to stop thinking, to take a break from the turmoil of emotions weighing him down and turning his body to lead.
And as stupid as it sounded, he couldn't.
He clenched his fists, the sight of the bench bringing to mind his last memory of her: the hurt expression on her face; her eyes glossy with tears, her feverish cheeks slightly flushed, and her pale, chapped lips parted as she called out his name in a shaking, broken voice... He hated it. All of it.
He doubted things would ever go back to the way they were. Nor would the conflicting emotions in his heart ever completely disappear. It was as if he had downloaded a virus from her, one that was wrecking havoc and raising hell inside of him, and one that would stay, unless he shut himself down for good.
He wanted to forget it all. Forget her confession, forget her face, forget her voice. Things would have been much easier if they hadn't met in the first place. She would still be going about her normal life, and he, his rotten one.
A groan rumbled in the base of his throat. So much for coming out here to escape his thoughts. The temporary respite he relished in when he first slipped out of the house was quickly dissolving into defeat and frustration as he glared at the empty bench.
Nothing made much sense anymore, he concluded. The sky was still high above his head, the ground was still firm beneath his feet, but the world just didn't make sense anymore. He could no longer understand himself either — why he couldn't just forget, why he couldn't just move on and not look back on the memories he had of her, or why his legs were moving forward, towards that bench that should no longer hold any meaning or significance to him whatsoever.
Things had long stopped making sense ever since his heart began to beat differently for her.
Just one last time, he promised himself. He would sit here alone and watch the night go by just one more time. And then he wouldn't come back. He would forget and move on for good.
He then glanced down at his phone screen where an audio file was on pause, acutely aware of the gaping hole in his heart slowly eating away at what was left of him.
"Saeran. Check your phone, I just sent you a recording," MC said to him when he was in the kitchen making his nightly mug of hot chocolate.
He raised a brow, frowning slightly. His phone buzzed just after, and he placed his mug down to unlock his phone and check his messages. MC had indeed sent him an audio file. "To Saeran," was its title.
"What's this about?" he asked, narrowing his eyes at the unusual length of the clip. It was almost 5 minutes long. " If it's one of your cheesy cat ringtones with Saeyoung on loop, I swear I'm blocking—"
"It's not. You should probably find some time to listen to it when you're alone." Her voice was flat, serious, no trace of humor to be found in her serious, but caring eyes. "It's from her... The girl from the park."
His heart dropped at the mere mention of her. Images of her face sprung up in his mind, the charming smile brimming with warmth that he realized he missed more than he expected to, and her tears mingling with the rain falling on her face.
How did MC get to know her? Were they keeping in contact? What kind of audio file was this?
His tongue wouldn't move, nor would his lips budge to ask the questions in his mind. MC took in his silence with an understanding, tight smile, and she patted him on the shoulder, though it did little to comfort him.
"Hear her out, okay?"
He could only stare after her numbly as she took her glass of water with her and headed off to bed for the night, his phone secure in his tightening grip.
Carefully, he took a seat on the bench, the hardness and coolness of the wooden planks familiar to him through the fabric of his track pants. He looked upwards, memories of different colors splaying out in the afternoon and evening sky coming back to him. The colors would stain the clouds passing by too...
But all he could see now was black in the dead of night, no moon or stars in sight. It felt like it could engulf him whole if he were to stare at it hard enough.
He looked to his left, noting how empty the bench looked right then. He thought of her, her presence alone that could fill him up with strange emotions and thoughts, and how much he missed the times when they were able to sit here together and let time pass them by without a care in the world.
He placed his phone on the spot where she usually would have sat, fingers gingerly brushing over the surface of the bench.
A few seconds passed as he hesitated, thumb hovering uncertainly over the 'play' button, before he finally found the courage to tap on it.
"H-Hey, Saeran... It's me."
He nearly forgot how to breathe then. That voice... That sweet, lilting voice that flowed like honey in his ears...
"It's been a while since we last spoke... How have you been?"
He didn't really have an answer to that. He didn't know. He had just... been. The past week had gone by slowly, painfully, and he didn't know how he had made it here. Time just had a way of moving.
"I hope you're eating well and, um... I hope you're doing alright. I've been fine, I guess..."
He frowned. Her otherwise lackluster tone was exceedingly unconvincing of that, and he knew it was his fault.
"Sorry, it's my first time doing something like this, I probably sound silly, huh... Haha..." He couldn't help the tiny upward curl of his lips then. She sounded rather embarrassed. It was cute. He had missed this, more than he'd like to admit. He missed hearing her voice, missed having her next to him.
He missed her. So much that it hurt to even think about it.
"Anyway, I didn't think you'd come if you saw me here, hence this. I still remember what you said to me that day. About you... having killed someone."
His felt his heart plunge into the pits of his stomach, while dread filled his chest at the sound of her sigh that followed.
"I didn't believe it at first. I didn't want to believe it either. I actually thought you were saying it just to make me leave. And I thought I knew you. I was so sure that someone like you could never have done something like that. But after thinking a little more, I realized that you were right. I don't know you that well at all. I don't know what happened in the past, or what kind of person you really are. There are so many sides of you that I haven't seen, sides of you that you haven't shown me."
Saeran swallowed thickly, his hands curling into fists on his lap. He resisted the urge to stop the audio clip and delete it so he wouldn't have to hear the rest of it. No doubt, she would say that she couldn't do this anymore, that she would stop seeking him out, and put an end to their relationship — whatever it was that they had between them, anyway.
The coward in him was close to winning, his hand inching towards his phone already.
"You know, a couple of days ago I spoke to this person called MC." He paused, furrowing his brows in confusion. MC? She met with MC? What?
"She's your sister-in-law, right? She's a lovely person, just like your brother, hehe. I'm glad that you have the both of them by your side. Every day must be really fun with them around."
He scoffed at that. He wouldn't exactly call it fun. It was bearable at best, since he had gotten used to Saeyoung's stupid memes and jokes, although there were times he wished he could move out — namely, whenever he accidentally walked in on them being too grossly intimate with each other.
"Anyway, she told me that what you said was the truth. That you really did... She didn't go into any details, so I still don't know the circumstances behind that incident."
Relief filled him and he let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. So MC hadn't said anything more. Then again, that sounded just like her. MC always knew what to say and what was better left unsaid.
"I'll admit, I became a little scared of you after she told me that. I realized that there was so much about you that I didn't know about, even the side of you that ended up taking a life. For a while I didn't know how to approach you, or what I should say. It's why I avoided coming to the park the past couple of days."
He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. This was what he had been trying to get across to her, after all: that he was dangerous, a monster, and that she should stay away from the likes of him.
Nevertheless, hearing her say that she was truly, honestly scared of him... It stung more than he thought it would.
"But hey, the fact that you're listening to me now means that I'm not scared anymore. I mean, I still am, just a little... Not of you, I mean. I'm scared that this — that whatever we have now — will end for good. I really enjoyed our daily meetings, Saeran. Honest. We didn't talk all that much, but it was fun, sitting next to you day by day and watching the clouds go by."
He pursed his lips into a thin line, trying to ignore the annoying fluttering of his heart at her words.
"I believe you, you know. I believe that you told me the truth about your past, but I also believe that you're a good person at heart, no matter what you think of yourself. I'm certain that the Saeran I've spent time with every day for the past few months wasn't a lie. I also know now that that's not all there is to you, that you have secrets sealed within your lips, that you have made mistakes that you think are too big to be forgiven, that you were broken and hurt in the past by people you trusted, and that... and that you're scared too. You're afraid of trusting others, and afraid of letting people in... Afraid of being happy. And I think that maybe... you're afraid of how they'll leave when they realize that they can't accept you as you are in the end.
"Saeran, I... I'm not just saying this. I mean every word. I want to know you as you are. Both the good and the bad. And I'll accept you, no matter what you tell me."
It dawned on him quite belatedly that a single tear had fallen down his cheek. Her voice in the recording was wavering too, like she was on the verge of tears. Or maybe she was already crying at this point.
"I believe in you... so take a chance on me. I promise I won't leave you."
"Why?" he asked aloud, challenging her as if she were here, sitting right next to him. "Why are you trying so hard for me?"
"Because... I've fallen in love with you, Just Saeran." There was a little pause. "It... feels weird saying this out loud. This is embarrassing, I'm sorry." And then a hasty, "I don't need an answer from you right now. I know you need time to think over everything, and I don't want to rush you. I'll wait for as long as you need me to. And I'll be here when you're ready to talk again. So... until then, I guess... it's goodbye. Stay well, Saeran. I..." Another pause. A longer one. For a moment he thought the recording had ended, until she spoke again.
"I miss you. Hopefully we'll get to meet soon... I'm sorry. I'll stop talking now. Thanks for listening, and... bye."
The recording ended there, and silence surrounded him once more.
It was broken soon after with what sounded like a blend of crying and laughter.
Suddenly feeling drained of energy, Saeran fell backwards onto the bench, setting the doll beside him. He wiped furiously at the tears that kept rushing to his eyes, his chest rumbling with laughter in a mixture of disbelief, joy and frustration.
His heart felt like it was about to be torn out of his chest while his head felt light. He must look like a madman.
Oh, the things that she reduced him to...
Questions of old, questions that had crossed his mind countless times over the past two weeks surfaced again. Could he really take a chance on her? Could he really give himselfa shot at being with her? At being... happy? Even with everything he had done, in spite of the blood and filth on his hands? Would she really be able to accept him the way he was, ugly and rotten on the inside?
Would she say all these things, only to leave him in the end?
Honestly, he didn't know anymore. He didn't know what to think. He didn't want to think either.
All he knew was that she was a risk much to huge to take. Take a chance on her? He couldn't tell how big that chance was, or how small it might turn out to be.
"If she's as stubborn as that, then I think she will stay by your side, whether you want her there or not. She just might be the miracle to you that MC was to me."
"You only come across a girl like that once in your lifetime. Don't let her slip away like that."
Saeyoung was usually wrong. But this time, Saeran wasn't sure if he wanted him to be wrong or not.
A/N: Hi everyone, I know it's been ages, I'm sorry I took so long but I was struggling with a pretty bad writer's block for a while. It's all good though, I have an idea of where this story will go from now on! And it's not going to be pretty! Yay! :D
Sorry if I didn't reply to your comments, it's just that it's been too long and it feels a little awkward to reply... haha. But I read all of them and they really kept me going for this fic. Thank you!
Anyways, hope you enjoyed this and if you did, do let me know what you thought about it ^^ See you soon~