Believe Again: Like The First Time
Saeran bristled when he felt yet another tear seep out from his eye. He wiped it off, glaring at the empty path that lay ahead of his feet. Still his eyes burned, and with each step he took he angrily wiped at the moisture on his face, though each time he dried his eyes, more tears would spill out.
Useless. Pathetic. Stupid.
He kicked at a stray pebble in his path, sending it flying through the air and disappearing into the grass by the path. He stomped on a couple of fallen leaves, listening to the sound of crunching beneath his feet.
Countless thoughts swirled in his head, an ugly blend of guilt, rage and sadness making his head hurt. He wanted to stop thinking. He didn't want to worry about Sejun, didn't want to think about the possibilities of Mint Eye coming back, and above all... he wanted to rid his mind of the faces that Saeyoung and MC had made earlier — expressions that were all too reminiscent of the time just after they had escaped from Mint Eye and Saeyoung had brought him to the bunker against his will.
He supposed there was some truth in it. He was the worthless twin, the unnecessary burden. The briefest thought that perhaps Saeyoung and MC would be better off without him passed his mind, before he shrugged it off. He didn't want to go there. He had been through that cycle of circular thinking far too many times to know that it would be pointless and a waste of time.
And yet, he couldn't stop wondering how life would have been for Saeyoung if things were different, if he had been free to pursue his own dreams and ambitions as he wished, without having to worry about the younger brother he had left behind.
A pang of guilt hit him when he looked down at his hand, remembering how he had knocked Saeyoung hard against the wall earlier. The hurt and shame in his eyes... Saeran balled his hands into tight fists, causing his knuckles to turn paper white.
He headed down the street towards the park with renewed vigour, and when he arrived he was dismayed to find more people than usual in the park at this time. Then he remembered it was Ice Cream Day. Of course. Friday nights, perfect for eating ice cream and enjoying an evening stroll.
He cast a wistful glance towards that park bench — his bench — currently occupied by another couple having ice cream together, the girl leaning on his shoulder, the wind tousling her long, flowing hair. The park bench where he should have been sitting with her, on a normal Friday, just staring out at the sky in pleasant, homely silence.
...At times like these, he kind of missed that. Missed seeing her, missed having her there by his side. She had a presence that wasn't intrusive in the least, but nevertheless there, enough for him to feel a little less lonely on the bad days.
Shrugging the stray thoughts of her aside, he looked away from that bench, trying to ignore the added twinge of pain in his heart now.
He stalked off, hoping to find somewhere else that was quiet enough, and a tree that he could punch, while he was at it. There was one place, actually. The place he tended to go to now that he no longer went there.
Only thing was, before he could even take his first step, his eyes came to rest on the very person he had been thinking about.
Her name sat on his tongue, and he swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. Her bright, beautiful eyes were blown wide and fixated on his, her mouth hanging agape. Her feet halted in their tracks a distance away from him, his view of her interrupted by the few people weaving through the sizeable gap between them.
...He was on a roll today. A roll of bad luck, that was.
Neither of them said anything. There wasn't much to say. It was probably the shock from seeing each other in the flesh like this, after what seemed like an eternity of hell and loneliness being away from each other.
His gaze lingered on her even though he knew he shouldn't, and before long he could feel his face heating up and his heart pounding painfully against his chest. What's this? It felt vaguely similar to the time when he first saw Saeyoung again, ever since he was left behind in the house. When he first saw a picture of him alive and well, standing next to his brand new, shiny sports car after two years of no news and contact from him.
He felt an urge to call her name, to close the gap between them and grab on to her hand, to make sure that she was real and that she wouldn't vanish or disappear.
...Maybe he had missed her far more than he had thought.
But the ever-growing lump in his throat caused his voice to lodge in place. No words would come out. He couldn't... He just couldn't. Dropping his gaze, he continued on his way in a straight line, eyes narrowing into a glare at the fallen, dead leaves littering the ground.
And he passed by her, without sparing her a second glance.
Now wasn't the time. He wasn't in the mood to talk, let alone being to deal with the issues they had between them.
He just wanted to stop thinking for a while.
He caught a whiff of the sweet scent in her hair mixed with the fresh evening air as he passed her, and he closed his eyes, wanting to commit that scent to memory. Foolish, he knew, but it was probably all he could have.
All too soon his head began to get flooded with more thoughts. Unwanted nuisances. He needed to let out all this steam somehow or he was certain he would lose his mind.
His pace quickened and in another five minutes or so he finally found himself at his new temporary shelter. An empty stretch of grass, much like a little meadow, sloping downwards to a small pond below. Not many people came by this area, so he had taken to lying on the grass and staring up at the sky on days and nights that he wanted some fresh air.
There didn't seem to be anyone around today either, thankfully. From here, he could see the moon and traces of glittering stars reflected in the glossy surface of the waters. Peaceful. Serene. Everything that he wasn't at the moment.
He trudged towards the grass, towards the tree at the top of the slope. Then he removed his sweater and threw it to the ground, leaving him in his red tank top. He shivered slightly as the cool night breeze brushed along his skin, but relished in it.
He took a deep breath. Then he curled his fingers into a tight fist, aimed, and sent the first punch flying towards the rough bark of the tree.
You had gotten fairly used to the old routine again. Heading down the same old path to home at the end of the day, thinking about what to do once you got back home, mulling over the day's events, making mental notes about the sky while you walked... Just the usual things.
But of course, now in the back of your mind, a certain redhead would also always be there, the image of him faintly tugging at your heartstrings. You would find yourself subconsciously keeping an eye out for any sign of him. Not that you had very high expectations anymore.
You knew MC had delivered your audio message to him. Whether he had actually listened to it was another matter... For all you knew, he might have deleted it and left it as that. But a part of you had a feeling that he wouldn't do something like that, and that he would hear you out. That being said, you rather regretted what you said about waiting for him as long as he needed you to. It came with doubts that clung to you everywhere you went. The questions and insecurities were like thorns piercing your temples, pricking you deeper and deeper as the days went by as quick as the autumn leaves were falling, leaving you awake and longing in the middle of the night, and daydreaming of 'what could be' and what you might have already lost.
The doubts worsened after bumping into him like that earlier. He had seemed tense, on edge, his jaw set and eyebrows drawn down in a deep frown as he stormed down the path in your direction. You had noticed him first, and when his eyes found yours, you saw something unrecognizable flicker in them. You thought there was something akin to longing in them, or maybe that was just your wishful thinking.
Nevertheless, he had dropped his gaze from yours almost too quickly for your liking and continued on his way, brushing past you without so much as saying a word, all while his eyes were narrowed into a furious glare at the road ahead of him.
Did he hate you? Did he not want to see you anymore?
Was the answer a 'no', after all?
More importantly, were those... remnants of tears in his eyes? Not to mention, they seemed a little redder than usual. Not the clear whites, as pure as the clouds, that you remembered.
Turning your head over your shoulder, you watched as he left, striding off at a hurried pace with his hands in his pockets, the wind tossing his angry red hair about.
You didn't like how lonely he looked like that, with his back facing you, shoulders slightly hunched and his head tucked downwards to stomp at the leaves in his path. Where he intended to go, you had no idea. You hesitated, wondering if it would be a good idea to follow, although the thought of leaving him alone hardly appealed to you either.
A familiar ringing reached your ears then. A soft, tinkling chime, carried by the evening breeze towards you. And the faint sweet scent of ice cream wafting through the air, like a gentle beckoning of sorts.
A little spark ignited in your mind. A click, as if the world around you had somehow shifted like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle to fit perfectly, and soon you felt the insecurities begin to fizzle off into nothingness, the hole in your chest replaced by something else.
Something else, the one thing that had started this all in the first place.
He lay on the grass, panting hard. His head had never been clearer, with the pain in his bruised and bloodied knuckles and fire in his burning throat coursing through him.
All he could see was the expanse of darkness, and the twinkling lights in the night sky. Weak, flickering lights that looked like they would go out at any time, with just the slightest puff of air. The moon was nowhere in sight, and he was partially glad for it. He didn't want the glare of the moonlight in his eyes. The darkness was good. Here, he was invisible. He didn't have to exist. Sometimes he felt like if he lay here long enough, unmoving, he'd become one with the ground and simply disappear. No worries, no emotions, no turmoil. Just... nothing.
He winced a little as he uncoiled his hands from their fisted positions, the wounded flesh of his hands screaming in protest. He raised his hand to get a closer look at the knuckles and grimaced slightly. That would be difficult to bandage, let alone explain later when he got home.
Home.
Did such a place exist anymore? A part of him — a stupid part of him, he knew — was whispering, 'He doesn't want you anymore.' Like an accursed lullaby, one lulling him to sleep so it could torment him in his dreams. Maybe Saeyoung would finally get tired of his violent outbursts, sick of having to help clean up the mess he had made back in Mint Eye that was now coming back to haunt them all. Maybe even MC was running out of patience.
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
It was a rather automatic response. Saeyoung had been the one to teach him this, on one of the days that he managed to sneak them both out of the house, when their mother was having too strong a hangover to wake up.
He grabbed a pebble just next to his hand and with one strong swing, threw it down towards the pond. He imagined his thoughts flying away in that parabola down towards the pond, and with a soft splash, sink down into the depths of the waters.
Good riddance.
He settled his gaze back towards the night sky, trying to connect the dots and draw shapes out of the stars above. Rather wistfully, he wished that the clouds were there instead. Clouds had more variations, and they were big, seemingly big enough to engulf him if he were to fly up there and sink into them.
Not to mention, if it was daytime, the ice cream truck would still be there... not that he had brought any money out with him to buy some.
It would be nice if he had some ice cream to eat though. Ice cream always made the bitter days a little sweeter.
"...Here."
He jerked out of his thoughts at the sound of a woman's voice. A voice that he shouldn't be able to hear.
He raised his head up, and was stunned to see her, squatting right next to him, with a tentative smile stretching her nervous lips as she held out an ice cream cone towards him, another in her other hand.
He bolted into sitting position, startling her slightly. The smile on her face faltered, and her eyes flickered from his to the ice cream in her hands. Back and forth, back and forth, it went. Like a table tennis match. He did the same, until his eyes accidentally met with hers. Then both of them looked away at the same time, finding interest in the tiny grass blades that were barely visible in the dark.
He didn't move. Couldn't move. His heart was palpitating in his chest, heat closing in on him so now his entire face felt like it was in flames.
What was she doing here? Why was she doing this to him? Why wouldn't she just stay away? Why wouldn't she stop caring about someone as unnecessary as him?
And... why was he so happy... seeing her here now?
He snapped out of his daze when he felt something nudge at his hand.
He looked and found that she was carefully inserting the cone into his curled hand. She loosened her grip on the cone, prompting his to tighten around it in response.
He stared at the cone for a few moments, his mind experiencing a brief short circuit. He wasn't sure how to respond.
And then there was a single utterance. A whisper, barely louder than the sound of the tiny ripples on the surface of the pond.
"...Thanks."
He saw her lips curl up, curving into the shape of the moon. This was a smile. Not marred by awkwardness, free of the hurt and heartache he had left her with the last time they met. He had forgotten just how breathtakingly beautiful that smile was, how it made the air that much lighter on his shoulders, and how the moon and stars paled in comparison to her.
Just like the first time.
He thought she would take a spot next to him as she did that day she first approached him, but to his surprise, she merely whispered a "Goodbye", a fleeting sound that made his heart sink like a star falling from the sky. Then she stood, turning her back on him.
No. Don't leave.
On impulse, he reached out and grabbed her hand, stopping her in her tracks. Her hand was warm. Warmer than his.
She froze, unmoving for a moment. Then she turned her head to look at him over her shoulder, her eyes gleaming with something he couldn't read in the starlight.
He hastily let go, averting her gaze and mentally cussing at himself for doing something so stupid and embarrassing. She probably thought he was creepy and would leave as fast as she could now.
But strangely enough, she didn't run off and leave him like she should have. Like any normal person should have.
Then again, she wasn't the most normal girl out there, was she? Only an alien like her would be interested in a guy as messed up, as broken and ugly as him.
Quietly, she sat down next to him, carefully keep a gap between them. A gap that was big enough for him to feel comfortable, yet not too small that he would feel cold and alone like he had been earlier.
From here, he could feel the warmth of her skin radiating off of her in waves, and inhale the scent of ice cream. How nostalgic.
He had missed this.
"I didn't want to make you to feel uncomfortable," she spoke, breaking the silence between them. "That's why I was going to leave after giving this to you, but..." A happy sigh with the hint of a chuckle escaped her. "I'll stay here. You can forget about everything that's happened between us until now if that makes you feel better, just... let me stay here with you. Just for a little while. At least until you feel better."
He didn't know what would feel better, or whether he could even 'feel better' with the way things were, with Mint Eye, Saeyoung, and her.
But he supposed, as he took the first lick of his ice cream, that in this space, where he and she alone existed, he could let go and savour her presence, her warmth and the sound of her breathing. Enjoy the silence and the memories that existed in the gap between them.
Just for a little while more.
A/N: Finished this in class (I really should pay attention now lmao) thanks and sorry for the wait, college has been tough so far and it's hard to find time to sit down and write like I used to. I'll try my best to update when I can, because as much as possible I don't want to put this story on hiatus.
Anyways hope you enjoyed this chapter, I hope it was fluffy enough for y'all (especially those of you currently playing V's route lmao).
See you soon hopefully :)