FOREWORD

I've heard that before you die, you can see your life flash before your eyes. I never used to believe in that sort of thing, though. My world was a simple one, full of gadgets, devices, monitors, and machines. And bombs, of course. I suppose it's ironic that those same things led me to the Sector 7 pillar and to… wherever it is I am now.

I'm floating, hovering in the dark. I don't know where. Or what. Life, death… or somewhere in between. The last thing I remember, I was high up in the tower, thirteen stories above the slums. Facing down the Shinra chopper, a raspberry in my hand—those were my special grenades. I gave those puppies quite a kick when I made 'em.

Bullets, chewing into my raised arm just as I threw the raspberry. A blast, fire everywhere. And then… Cloud was there. He came for me. Just like he promised he would. Everything's muddled after that, just a blur of color and sound. Maybe I'll remember when I wake up—if I wake up. Or maybe I'm already returning to the planet and I just don't know it yet. In any case, I can see images in my mind, a slideshow of memories floating across my thoughts one after another.

So it really is true…

I grew up in my father's mansion on the Sector 5 plate. It was one of the biggest in Midgar, and he was one of the city's most powerful men. A girl of privilege and plenty—that's what I used to be. There was nothing I wanted back then that I didn't have. Except a happy family. When I was little, things weren't so bad. My father spoiled me rotten, got me anything I wanted, though he never played with me. But he still had a small bit of warmth in him in those days, and I felt like he cared about me even if he didn't really know how to show it.

But that was before he rose up the ranks at Shinra. Before he became obsessed with power and war. The higher he went, the farther away from me and my mom he grew. We became a burden to him, and home was a place of tension and pain. I haven't called him Daddy since I was eight or nine. We drifted apart, further and further.

I loved to tinker even when I was a kid. I'd take apart my toys all the time to see how they worked, then I'd put them back together. I kept at it as I grew older, building my own computers and dissecting any electronic device I could get my hands on. I wanted to learn about it all, and it was as much a passion for me as my acting.

I did it a lot as a kid, school plays and whatnot. I loved it and kept at it with all my heart, and by the time I was in my early teens, I'd had roles in several plays at a smaller theater in Sector 8. Mom always came to see me perform, but my father never did. I wasn't surprised, though I wished he would've been there. Just once. Maybe that's part of why I quit. As far apart as we'd grown, I still wished and hoped that things might change. I thought that if I went to him, spent some time in his world, I could make that happen. Damn, what an idiot I was.

When I was sixteen, I left the stage to work for Shinra. I didn't know the truth about that terrible place yet, though. The dark underside below the friendly mask the company wore like a second skin. It was just a job, at least at first. I was a computer specialist, one of many whose task was to manage, maintain, and enhance Shinra's computers, information net, and other technological systems. Good work, good pay—I liked it, and it was fun. That part of being there I don't regret.

But then came my second job.

Weapons design had been another hobby and dream of mine. I guess it was an outgrowth of my tech talents, but I enjoyed creating new things. And I also cared a lot about my family and friends. With the war against Wutai still going on, I just wanted to find ways to keep everyone safe and protect my home. Didn't mean I couldn't have a little fun with it, though. The weirder and stranger the designs, the better.

I shouldn't have listened to Scarlet, though. I never should've trusted her. But I did, becoming her assistant, her protégé. And in my time there, I created a lot of things, powerful weapons that I'd intended to be used to protect people. But in my shortsightedness, I let them become twisted and warped into tools for killing and destruction. I might not have realized at the time what would happen, but I should have. Mom and others close to me tried to warn me, but I didn't listen. And because of my stubbornness and gullibility, a lot of people died.

When a good friend and I both lost people close to us in the midst of all that, I finally began to realize the truth about Shinra. I dug, searching for answers to all the pain and death that had happened. When I finally found what I was looking for, I left. In spite of the high positions I had in both of my jobs by then, I didn't want to stay there anymore. I couldn't. It was too dangerous—my father was after me.

I left home, too. He'd have found me if I'd gone back. With the help of a few good friends, I got myself set up and began a new life. It was also a cover, to help me hide from my father. I went back to the stage, complete with a new look and style. The shy, geeky office girl was gone, and in her place was a new woman. Not only in how I looked, but in how I felt, too. I also changed my name because my old one simply wasn't safe anymore. Jessica Heidegger became Jessie Jae.

Yes, that Jessie Jae. The one and only. Midgar's sweetheart—at least, that's what the press used to call me. I never set out to be famous. It came as a bit of a surprise, actually. LOVELESS has been around since before I was born, but although I had dreamed of being part of it ever since I was little, I had never thought it would actually happen. Let alone that I'd get both the leading role and be on the poster.

But that's what happened. The plan was supposed to be that I would stick to a small theater, doing shows there and staying out of sight as best I could. But then came the audition for LOVELESS, and I couldn't pass it up. No way. It was the chance of a lifetime, and I took it. I was one out of hundreds of girls all trying to get the part, and in spite of everything that happened later, I'm happy I won it.

That's when I met him. My first love. Always came to see me act and sing—LOVELESS was a musical, and I had earned the starring role for a reason. We grew close enough over time that, after I'd gotten a little bit of encouragement from another new friend, I shared with him who I really was. And in spite of the potential danger, Kunsel stuck with me, loved me as much as I loved him. I was happy, for the first time in so long. I hoped it would last, but… things didn't turn out that way.

Our separation wasn't by choice, though. It was my father. He found me, somehow. Figured out who and where I was. And I so I had to leave it all behind. My career, my life, my love—everything. That's how I came to the slums. Jessie Jae went missing one night, vanishing without a trace. I found out later that people have come up with all kinds of theories and ideas to explain it, that it's become this big mystery in Midgar. Whatever happened to Jessie Jae? No one really knows.

The truth is, I had to leave the plate to stay ahead of my father. I had to start all over again. It was a different world, so different than what I'd known before. But I didn't have to make the transition alone. Aerith was there for me—my friend from the plate. Although she often worked there, she lived in the slums and helped me get back on my feet, taught me how to live in this strange and dangerous new place. Part of that meant that I had to leave my stage name behind me.

I took my mom's maiden name instead, going from Jessie Jae to Jessie Rasberry. I was still lonely, though. I missed Kunsel terribly and thought about him all the time. But he had stayed behind to protect me, to throw off my father's pursuit and keep him away from me as much as he could. Even though it meant losing me. There was no way for us to know when or if I would ever be able to go back.

Over time, though, things got better. I found a way to support myself and help others at the same time, found a part of myself I thought I'd lost long ago—the techie tomboy I'd left behind. I was able to use my skills to help people instead of hurt them, and I started to feel better about myself. But even so, I wanted to make up for the past. I felt like I could do more, that there was something further I could do.

And then, not long after moving to Sector 7, I found them—the best friends I've ever known. They're like my family, and they took me in with open arms. Barret, so big and gruff, but with a softer heart than he'd like people to think—all you've gotta do is see him around Marlene to spot it. I'd do anything for those two, even walk into the fires of hell with a smile on my face. I owe it to them. I just hope that someday, if I make it out of this, I can find a way to tell Barret why.

Tifa did more than just teach me how to fight. She's the sister I never had, always looking out for me. I've cried on her shoulder so many times, when the hurt and loss would get to me, and she never once complained. We'd talk at night sometimes out on the patio in front of the bar, standing at the rail or sitting at one of the tables as we looked out across town. She also knows just how to cheer me up whenever I'm down—a nice, big slice of her double chocolate cake does it every time.

And then there's Biggs and Wedge. Those wonderful guys were there right from the start. They've helped me in so many ways since I moved to Sector 7, never asking for a thing in return. My best buddies. We're a trio, always will be. Biggs is a worrier, but it's only because he wants everyone to be safe. And Wedge might be shy sometimes, but he's a lot braver than he thinks he is. And he's got a heart as big as his belly.

Bits and pieces of my life flit through my mind as I hover here in this strange place between life and death. I see more memories, closer now to the present. The day Barret invited me to join Avalanche. I knew by then where he'd come from and more, though he'd never said much other than the name. But that had been enough. And I had accepted his offer. It was the means for my redemption, or so I'd thought at the time. But, I have to admit, it was for revenge, too. For all I'd lost.

Then, another memory surfaces. The night he and I first met. Cloud. Even floating here in the darkness that's all I know now, my heart flutters at the thought of him. He saved me that night, and it wouldn't be the last time. Did he save me again, in the pillar? I wish I could remember. I just know he was there somehow. But even if he was too late, I don't mind. It's enough that I could see him again. I'm in love with him. I never thought I'd feel that way again after losing Kunsel, but my heart didn't really give me much of a choice in the matter.

I have my regrets, of course. And if this really is the end for me, then maybe I'll finally find the peace I've wanted all my life. But I've caused so much pain that maybe it's better if I don't. I suppose I've had this coming for a while now. At least, if I die… there'll be justice. I can rest better that way, I think. If I live, though… I have to atone. I have to make up for all that I've done. Somehow. I have to make things right.

The images of my life swirl around me like a river. How do I unpack them to understand how I came here? Is this the end? The final act of my life's play? Or could it be the start of something else, a new beginning? I'm not sure, and honestly, I don't know which I want it to be. How can a girl like me, with so much blood on her hands, ever be clean again? I want it more than anything. But do I deserve it?

– Jessie Jae Rasberry