ELEVEN

Four months after I left Shinra and returned to the theater, my life had settled into a peaceful calm I'd never known before. It had taken a few weeks, but I had found myself a nice little apartment just down the street from the Starlight Theater and within walking distance of a lot of shops, restaurants, and other nice places in Sector 8. It also wasn't that far from the Honeybee Lounge, where I occasionally performed when I wasn't doing rehearsals or plays at the Starlight.

Not as a Honeybee, of course, but as Andrea's partner on stage. He continued teaching me, both to build my confidence and help me grow as a performer. The pain of Mom's loss and what I'd gone through back at Shinra lingered, but I was able to live with it. And when I was under the bright lights on stage, acting and entertaining the audience, I could forget about the ache in my heart for a while.

After my first visit to the Lounge and my successful audition at the Starlight Theater, Reeve and Andrea had helped me to get back on my feet, both financially and materially. I'd had a substantial amount of gil in my bank account, but since it was all under my old name, I couldn't just walk in and withdraw it as if nothing had happened. It might have been tracked back to me, letting my father know where I was. So Reeve and I came up with a plan. Before that, though, there was one thing I'd had to do first and foremost.

It's kinda funny that the first fake ID I ever made was for myself. It was fun doing it, I have to admit, spoofing my own old ID like that and making a new one out of it. Then I'd had to hack into Shinra's database and activate it from that end, which hadn't been difficult. Garret hadn't changed much about the system since I'd left, it seemed. Lucky for me, right? Or maybe Reeve had something to do with it. In any event, I was able to make myself a new ID without a hitch.

Once that was done and I had used it to open a new account under my new name, Reeve had used his influence and his contacts inside the bank to help me shift some of my money into the new account, quietly and discreetly, so I could begin building a new life for myself. I couldn't just take it all without it being noticed, so I'd had to make do with only a small part of what I'd saved up over the years, just enough to help me start over, and had abandoned the rest.

Andrea had given me a few outfits like the first he'd selected along with a large supply of the makeup he'd used on me while Meredith, one of the Honeybee girls who had helped me with my makeover that first day, had shown me how to apply the cosmetics the way Andrea had. It was more involved than I'd expected, but it didn't take me long to learn how to do it. Once I had secured my money and gotten my new place, I did some shopping, buying clothes, food, and everything else I would need, and had begun to settle into my new life.

My new apartment was on the top floor of the red brick building it was in, and I would often just stand and gaze out my window, sipping a coffee or other drink and watching the streets below. Sometimes it was crowded, sometimes it was almost empty. I was also glad I couldn't see the Shinra Building from where I lived. It wasn't very far from me, and I'd always found it somewhat amusing that I was hiding right under my father's nose. The last thing he'd have expected. But I still hoped to find a way to leave Midgar someday and get away from him entirely. I didn't know where I'd go, and I didn't care as long as it was far away and some new place I'd never seen before.

I was at the window early one evening when my phone rang. I had just come home a little bit ago from rehearsal and had been thinking of walking down the road to grab a bite to eat from one of the restaurants nearby—there was a nice little cafe just a block or two from me—but it looked like that would have to wait.

I picked up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hey, girl! How are you?" a familiar voice answered.

It was Kayla, a friend and fellow actress from the Starlight Theater. We performed together a lot and hung out sometimes when we weren't busy entertaining audiences. We often chatted over the phone, too, so I hadn't been expecting this to be any different. But it would turn out to be so much more than I could've ever imagined.

I smiled. "Hi, Kayla. I'm good. What about you?"

"I'm fine, Jessie," she laughed. "Especially after what I've just found out! Have you heard the news?"

"No, what is it?" I wondered.

Kayla went on. "Well, you've heard the rumors that Cassie Raleine's leaving LOVELESS, right?"

I sat down on my sofa. "Yeah. That I know about."

"Well, turns out it's true, Jessie! She just announced it today. Seems she's got herself a part in a movie, so she's leaving the production. And get this! LOVELESS Theater's gonna hold an open audition for her role in the play! The role, Jessie!"

My jaw dropped to the floor. LOVELESS was the biggest play in all of Midgar, and the role of Sarah—the lead heroine and the girl featured in all the posters and flyers for the play, not to mention the huge mural above LOVELESS Theater itself—was the one role virtually every stage actress in the city, myself included, dreamed of getting.

Mom had taken me to see the play plenty of times when I was little and even as I had grown older, and I knew it almost by heart. It was my favorite play, and as a kid I had often daydreamed about being on stage as Sarah at LOVELESS Theater, playing the role and wowing audiences night after night. And although I was acting again, the thought that the part might actually become available had never once crossed my mind. But now, suddenly it was. Damn, but it was!

"Are you serious!?" I gasped.

Kayla didn't hesitate. "Damn right I am! I know it's hard to believe, but it's really happening! It's amazing! I'm gonna go for it, Jessie. What about you? Think you'll give it a try?"

That was harder for me to answer than I had expected. The role of Sarah was one that I'd longed for ever since I was a little girl, but it was also a huge part of Midgar's culture. Playing Sarah was just asking to be noticed and discovered. I was trying to stay out of sight as best I could, and though my father had never been interested in the theater—he had never once watched me perform when I was growing up—I just wasn't sure if I could risk trying to land the part.

But even so, there was a large part of me that wanted to do it, even if it meant taking a chance that my father might somehow find out that I was the new lead actress of the most famous play in the city. This was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and if I let it slip away from me now, I knew I'd always regret it and wonder what might have been. I couldn't do that. I had to try, to know I'd at least done that much. It was my one chance to turn my childhood dream into a reality.

"Yeah, I will," I answered Kayla's question. "When's the audition?"

"Next week, Monday morning at 8:00 at LOVELESS Theater. Want to head down there together?"

I grinned. "You bet! Think we should get there early?"

"Yeah, say 7:00?" Kayla suggested. "The line's gonna be around the block, I bet. Gotta be sure we get our shot when they open the doors. I hear it's gonna be going on all week. Each day, the number of girls gets cut until there's only three left on Friday. And that's when they'll make the big decision, Jessie."

"Then we'd better make damn sure we get in," I smirked.

She chuckled. "You said it, girl! Meet me for lunch tomorrow after morning rehearsals?"

"Sure," I said. "Sounds good, Kayla."

We talked a little longer, Kayla going on about her boyfriend as she loved to do and inevitably teasing me about not having one of my own. I didn't really mind being alone, though, and it was just easier that way with the situation I was in. She didn't know anything about it or who I really was. No one did except Reeve, Cait, and Andrea, and I knew that my secret was safe with them.

When Kayla and I had finished, said our goodbyes, and hung up, I put the phone aside and sat back on the sofa, my mind still whirling at the thought of auditioning to be in LOVELESS. To be Sarah. It still felt strangely unreal, realizing that this was actually happening. Of course, I didn't think I'd actually get the part—hundreds of girls were going to be at the theater over the next week trying to do the same thing—but I was still gonna go for it anyway. Just doing that much would be enough for me. I could be happy with that.

Of course, since I'd decided to try getting the role, I wasn't going to give the audition anything less than my best effort. So I got up, walked over to the bookcase in the corner of the room, and picked up my copy of LOVELESS. I'd memorized the play almost word for word, as much as I loved it, but I wasn't going to take any chances. I sat back down on the sofa, opened the book, and started to read.

On the morning of the audition, Kayla and I stood together on the sidewalk outside LOVELESS Theater. Just as she'd said over the phone, the line stretched all the way around the block, dozens of girls just like us all waiting for the place to open so we could go in and get started. It was almost 8:00, and although we'd gotten here just before 7:00, lots of other women had shown up early as well, having had the same idea we did. So, Kayla and I waited in line just a short ways down the sidewalk from the theater's main entrance.

Outwardly, I was calm and cool, confident and relaxed, everything Andrea had been teaching me to be. Inwardly, though, my stomach felt like it was doing somersaults. As I stood there with Kayla, I kept going over Andrea's lessons in my mind. Own yourself. Before I could hope to wow the director, assistant directors, or anyone else, I had to believe in myself, in what I knew I could do, what I was born to do.

Own yourself, and you own them. The words filled my thoughts as I repeated them to myself over and over again, hearing Andrea's voice in my head as I did. And soon, I felt my anxiety begin to subside just as it had in the Honeybee Lounge the first day I had performed there, after Andrea had thrust me out on stage. It had been a test, like he'd told me, to see if I could handle being under the lights again. I hadn't failed him then, and I wasn't going to now. I had this.

Kayla laughed. "Damn, girl! You're really knockin' it outta the park with that outfit. Did I tell you yet?"

"Three times now," I grinned. "Or was it four?"

From the moment I had decided to try to get the role, I had known I'd have to stand out at the audition in order to be noticed. So I'd taken a walk down to some of the shops in the area and had bought myself a new dress just for the occasion. Funny how I was more comfortable in them now than I'd been during my Shinra days. But I think it might've also been a way for me to distance myself from what I'd once been, like Andrea had said. Ever since leaving Shinra, I had stayed away from the gadgets, from the technology and computer skills that had caused pain for so many people, as much as I could.

Making my new ID had been a necessity, an exception, and though I'd gotten a certain amount of fun out of it, I hadn't wanted to linger on that sort of thing. The memories were still too close, too strong. So as I began my new life, I buried myself in my acting. I didn't believe I'd ever see that nerdy, tomboyish side of me again.

For the audition, I was wearing a dark blue sleeveless dress, cut low with the straps meeting in the back behind my neck. The skirt stopped just above my knees, and on my legs I had put on a pair of sheer, black lace stockings that went up to my thighs, and on my feet I wore a set of matching blue high heels.

I'd been up since 6:00 this morning, and I had carefully applied all my makeup the way Meredith had shown me. My hair was still as short as it had been the day it had first been cut—I'd been getting it trimmed every so often over the past few months to keep it that way—and I kept dyeing it whenever the color needed renewing. It was still as rich, dark, and brown as ever with just that slight touch of red that set it apart and which I loved so much.

Kayla smirked. "Yeah, but who's counting?"

"Dress to impress, right?" I joked.

"Oh, you're impressive, alright. I wish I'd thought of that."

I ran a hand through my hair. "Thanks, Kayla. But you look fine! I like what you're wearing."

Kayla had on a sleeveless red blouse and a pair of black capris with matching shoes, and her long black hair had been nicely curled around her dark-skinned face. A slender gold hoop earring hung from each of her ears as she stood in line with me. As for my own ears, I preferred a pair of glittering studs, small but bright.

She chuckled. "Thanks, but you're still a knockout, girl. Seems I'm not the only one who's noticed, either."

"What?" I blinked.

"Take a look around, Jessie. See for yourself."

I did, glancing around the crowd of girls outside the theater and all down the sidewalk. Some of them had dressed up and some hadn't, but it wasn't until that moment when I looked around that I realized lots of curious, wondering glances were being directed my way. Conversation ebbed and flowed amongst everyone out here as we all waited, but as I took in what Kayla had said, I suddenly became aware that some of the talk nearby seemed to be about me.

I looked back at Kayla. "Do I… really stand out?"

"In a good way," she assured me. "They're admiring you. Even a bit jealous, I think."

"Really? I had no idea…"

Kayla smiled. "Yeah. I've been listening since we got here. And the best part is, you're getting all this attention without even trying. You're a natural, girl! Totally!"

I laughed. "That should help my chances, then."

"Definitely!" she agreed. Then she pointed. "Look, Jessie! It's time. They're finally opening up!"

Kayla was right. The theater doors stood open now, and several of the staff stood on either side of them, motioning for everyone to come inside. As we got moving, I felt butterflies floating in my stomach again but took a breath and forced them down. I could do this. Didn't have a doubt in my mind. Not a one.

We all filed through the lobby and into the auditorium. It was huge and could hold hundreds of people. The place was often packed during the height of the theater season, and the thought of performing before such a large crowd gave me a thrill of nervous excitement. It was much smaller at the Starlight, so this would be an entirely new experience. If I got the part, that was. I knew I could do it, though. I kept focusing on what I'd been taught, what Andrea had told me I was and could still be. A star, a sensation. This was my chance.

The auditorium was lit up but empty at the moment except for the director, assistant director, and a few of the play's production staff. The group was sitting in the front row before the stage. While a number of girls that had been ahead of us in line were ushered backstage to begin the auditions, the rest of us were instructed to just have a seat and wait for our turn, so Kayla and I sat down in the second row while the girls who had gone backstage came out one by one as directed.

After each one of the girls had finished their audition, the director and assistant director would talk quietly with each other for a moment. If they liked what they'd seen, they'd then invite the lucky girl to return tomorrow. If they didn't, then they'd just thank the girl and send her on her way. More got sent home than invited back, of course. A lot more. I thought about my own upcoming audition and decided I wasn't getting sent home today. I would be back tomorrow. For sure.

I glanced at Kayla. "How many are they letting through today?"

"A hundred," she answered. "Tomorrow it'll be fifty. Wednesday, it's gonna be ten, and Thursday they'll narrow it down to the top three. So like I told you on the phone, Friday's the big day."

"We'll make it to Friday," I promised her. "Both of us."

She grinned. "Count on it."

After a while, it was our chance to go backstage with the next set of girls. We waited in line, Kayla and I wishing each other luck, and when it was finally my turn, I strode out onto the stage with my head high, as bold and confident as I knew I could be. Own yourself. Andrea's words reassured me. Own yourself and you own the room. And as I thought of that, the last of my doubts fell away.

After introducing myself, I took a breath and performed the scene and song I'd chosen. LOVELESS was actually a musical, so the audition had to include both acting and singing. I'd been practicing every day in every spare moment I could, putting myself into the character and into the music. And as I went through my audition, my voice easily keeping up with the melody, I forgot about everything else, losing myself totally in what I was doing and in the moment. And when I was done, I gazed at the director and assistant director, my eyes fixed firmly on them and never wavering for a second.

They invited me to come back tomorrow.

Kayla and I both made it to Friday.

As each day passed and we made the cut each time, our excitement grew. I felt like I could hardly contain it. It was incredible, and I had to remind myself sometimes that this wasn't a dream. It was real. I'd made it this far. I was a finalist for the part. And whatever happened today, I was proud and overjoyed at what I'd achieved.

That said, I still had every intention of winning.

Today was going to be a real event. The press was here this time in addition to the director, Landon Cole, and his assistant director, Cecily Chere. Cameras had been set up, and the final audition was going to be broadcast all over Midgar. I hadn't kept up with the news around it, so I had no idea just how big this whole thing really was. I'd been so busy practicing and preparing that I hadn't paid attention to anything else. It hadn't hit me until Kayla and I had arrived at the theater today and had seen the van from the news station as well as a gathering audience that it started to sink in. The auditorium was packed.

Nerves had threatened to overwhelm me, but I'd managed to force them down, recalling Andrea's words again and remembering how far I had come, that I'd earned the right to be here. Soon enough, I began to relax as my confidence returned.

Before the last auditions actually began, the press pulled me, Kayla, and the third finalist—a girl named Ellise—aside, sat us down one at a time, and interviewed us. At first, I was worried that I'd be asked about my background and where I'd come from, things I couldn't say because of what they were. But fortunately, the reporter was more interested in why I wanted to be a part of LOVELESS and what the play and the role of Sarah meant to me. Those things I could talk about, and I did, giving the camera plenty of smiles while I was at it.

Then the auditions began, with breaks in between for commercials and commentary by the press. Kayla went first, doing such a wonderful job it drew thunderous applause from the crowd. Ellise went next after the break, her own performance just as good as Kayla's. Then, after the second intermission, it was my turn.

For today, I'd prepared a longer scene to better show my range and abilities to go with Sarah's most famous ballad. As I strode out onto the stage under the lights, I forgot about the crowd and just focused on the moment, on what I had come here to do. Then I began, pouring myself into the scene and the music as I'd done all week, being her, giving it all I had and hitting every note perfectly. And when I was finished, I fixed my eyes on the audience, my head held high.

The applause wasn't just loud this time. It was deafening.

Although inwardly I was amazed and overwhelmed by it all, on the outside, I kept up my confident exterior as I took my bow amongst the cheers and applause. It actually went on for a full minute or two before it eventually died away as I left the stage. There was a longer break this time as I waited backstage with Kayla and Ellise while the director and the assistant director made their decision.

Then, about ten minutes later, it was time. We all went back out on stage, side by side, and the butterflies came back, attacking my stomach with a vengeance. In spite of it, I stayed calm and collected, though I'll admit it took nearly as much acting to pull that off as it had to perform my audition. I'd never been so nervous in my life.

After the journalists had finished their commentary, the stage went dark for a moment, and then three brilliant spotlights converged on us. Most theater auditions weren't like this, of course. But LOVELESS was more than just a play. It was a part of Midgar's culture. And choosing a new Sarah was always a major event, the final audition a spectacle that virtually all of Midgar watched.

The number of butterflies in my stomach practically doubled when the drum roll struck. Taking a deep breath, I reached out to either side of me, taking Kayla's and Ellise's hands in mine. This was it. After a last word with Ms. Chere, Mr. Cole stood up, microphone in hand, and the crowd hushed in anticipation as he joined us on stage.

"Ladies and gentlemen," he began. "The choosing of a new Sarah is no easy thing, and these three wonderful young women have made this even more challenging with their amazing performances today and all week long. However, only one of them can be Sarah. Cecily and I have come to a decision, one that was not easy to make but which we believe is the best choice for LOVELESS and Midgar itself."

He paused, and I felt my breath catch in my throat as we waited for him to make the big announcement. The girls squeezed my hands, and I did the same for theirs. We had competed for the role, but we were all still friends, encouraging each other, and that wasn't going to change. I wouldn't let it. The moment seemed to stretch on forever, and then Mr. Cole turned away from the audience and looked at each of us in turn. I met his kind gaze as it swept over me, and when he lifted his mic back up to his face, the butterflies in my stomach suddenly became an army and I had to tighten my grip on the girls' hands to stay calm. I felt them doing the same and knew they were just as nervous.

Mr. Cole finally spoke. "LOVELESS Theater is proud to announce that the new Sarah is… Jessie Jae!"

My hands flew to my mouth as my stomach dropped like a freight elevator and the crowd literally erupted in cheers and applause. I could barely see through the tears streaming down my face as my mouth fell open and I gasped and tried to remember how to breathe. And before I knew it, Kayla was hugging me and laughing.

"You did it, girl!" she cheered, her own eyes wet. "You did it!"

"I'm sorry you didn't get the part," I told her.

Kayla just hugged me tighter. "Don't worry about it. You getting it's the next best thing!"

Then Ellise embraced me after Kayla let go. After she was finished and had congratulated me, I took a breath to calm myself, then moved up to the front of the stage to join Mr. Cole. As I stood alongside him, I gazed out in wonder at the crowd. They were on their feet, all of them, the sound even louder than when I'd finished my audition.

I almost cried again at the sheer sight of it and realizing that it was all for me but somehow kept it together. I smiled, happier than I could ever remember being, and when Mr. Cole handed me the microphone, I knew what to do. As the lucky winner and the play's new star, I had to give a little speech. After all of the cheers and applause had faded away and everyone had sat down again, I began.

"Everyone, thank you so much. Being in LOVELESS, being Sarah, has always been a dream of mine, ever since I was a little girl. And now it's come true. I can't tell you how honored I am to have been chosen to be in this historic play and take on such a beloved role. I want to thank my good friend and fellow actress, Kayla, without whom I wouldn't be here today. She went for the role too, as you know, but was always there for me when I needed her."

I went on. "Someone else I want to highlight is my mom. Although she… isn't here… she was the one who introduced me to the theater as a child and encouraged me to pursue it. She took me to see LOVELESS so many times. And now I'm a part of it. I know… I know that… she'd be proud of me, of what I've accomplished."

"LOVELESS is a Midgar tradition and an indelible part of this city, and it's a pleasure to be the new Sarah," I finished. Then I grinned and pointed at the audience with my free hand. "The curtain's gonna rise in three weeks, so I'd better see you all there!"