"I am..." he sighed, "a half-vampire." He opened his mouth and revealed two fangs. One on the top and a smaller one on the bottom.

"No way…" Ron gaped. "You have a half set of fangs?"

"I will now being leaving," he decided, going to his train.

Harry smiled. "Well, now we know."

"Too easy," Hermione commented. "He's hiding something much bigger if he gave us that."

"I don't know, Mud. Maybe he left out something like… maybe he's the king or czar or something."

"We have to follow him," she decided.

"What? We promised we wouldn't. Remember?" Harry replied.

"What if he's in trouble?" Ron suggested. "It's your duty to protect him."

"I feel like this is always what you say to make me do something questionable. Is this the peer pressure they talk about in American tv shows and movies?"

"Yes," Hermione answered. "Now c'mon. We can get on the train and hide."

"This seems wrong…"

"There's no time to question morality," Ron rushed. "The train is about to leave!"

And due to Harry's mean friends, the Prefects of Hogwarts, he got on the train. Thus breaking their promise to Snape.

Twelve excruciating hours later, they got off the train. It was nearing midnight and it was difficult to spot the man and bat who wore all black, all the time.

"Don't worry," Hermione said. "I've got us covered." She pulled up her sleeve and looked at a black futuristic looking watch. She pressed a button and a map popped up on the watch's screen.

"Is that a tracker?" Ron asked.

"Indeed it is," she smiled. "This is top-secret spyware that is ages ahead of unclassified devices. My family lifted it as the activity for their latest family reunion. Although I don't condone their thievery, I will take advantage of their heist."

Ron's eyes bugged out. "When did you do that?!"

"When we were all standing around talking accusing Snape of being a half-vampire. When else?"

Ron shook his head. "No, you're not normal."

They watched the blip on the map and followed Snape into a rickety old building.

"Does anyone have a flashlight?" Ron asked.

"No," Hermione replied.

"Not with me," Harry added.

"Oh wait," Ron realized. "There's a spell for that.

"I've got it," Harry offered. "Lumos," he muttered as Ron closed the creaky door behind them. The dark building had high ceilings that looked like they might cave in. Water leaked from the ceiling in many spots, and only a few had a rusty bucket to drip into. The rooms were vacant and cold. They shuffled around under their trusty invisibility cloak until they found a large musty room. Indistinguishable people wearing cloaks, masks, and heads of long hair were listening to someone who was standing by the only light bulb in the building. They were Death Eaters. Only one wasn't wearing a mask. It was Voldemort.

Harry gaped at the sight. The blip told them that Snape was there with the enemies. But it's impossible. Dumbledore flashed through his mind, as he replayed the scenes where Snape helped with the Order.

Voldemort was glaring at Snape. "Despite nearly begging us to this meeting place, you're late, Severus. And you didn't even bring tacos."

"I'll remember that for next time, Big V," Snape replied. "I apologize."

Voldemort sighed a disappointed breath and went on. "Next order of business. Pettigrew, have you cleaned my bazooka rockets?"

"Yes, Big V."

"Good. Bellatrix, I trust your legs aren't broken anymore."

"They're fine now," she replied, trying to feel his face.

Voldemort leaned very far away from her. "Now, Severus. You haven't done anything for me in a while… I'm beginning to think you've gone soft."

"No, of course not. I've been doing many small things," Snape responded in his distinct monotone voice.

"Tsk, tsk. Small things are small. You need to show me something big. Then I might let you join me in my brilliantly devious plan next year."

"Certainly," Snape said.

"Yeah Snape!" Bellatrix yelled. "You should be more like me. How many Sirius Blacks have you killed. Didn't I do a great job Volty?"

Voldemort went to pinched the bridge of his nose and then remembered he didn't have one. "There was only one Sirius Black to kill."

"Now's our chance," Harry whispered. "We've got to shut this down!"

"How?" Hermione asked.

Her question was left unanswered while the meeting seemed to reach an abrupt conclusion. "GO!" Voldemort yelled. "GO DEATH EATERS. DO THE TASKS IN WHICH YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN. AVENGE MEEEEE!"

The Death Eaters, now inspired, started walking to the only exit. The exit that Harry, Ron, and Hermione were at. Harry stashed his wand in his wand holster prototype as they ran from the crowd of Death Eaters.

It was extremely dark, and they couldn't see where they were going. They ducked into a room and hid behind some damp boxes. The mass of Death Eaters passed, and they waited several minutes before making their escape.

"Hey, my wand's gone!" Harry whispered.

"Mine too!" Hermione said.

"So's mine! Ron said.

"I don't understand, it was right here," Harry said as he strained his eyes to see through the darkness. "I couldn't have dropped it. Not with my patent-pending wand holster!"

"No, we can't have all dropped our wands," Hermione said. "And we weren't close enough to any of the Death Eaters for them to steal them."

"What do we do?" Hermione asked.

"I reckon we should tell Dumbledore," Ron suggested. "This seems like some kind of magic rather than our own stupidity."

They finally found their way out of the building and returned to Hogwarts via Ron's jet and corresponding jet people. Then they slept for a while because it was still nighttime. In the morning, they went straight to the end of the Gargoyle Corridor and found Dumbledore's empty office. Fawkes was flying around, but they backed out of the room before he could fly to them.

"The one time he's not in his office," Hermione grumbled.

"I guess we'll have to wait," Harry sighed before they returned to the common room. Upon entering, they heard voices and looked at a faraway table. Three twigs seemed to be floating. They were almost vertical and the weird thing was that they were talking. But they weren't just any twigs, they were the wands of Harry, Hermione, and Ron.

"Herwande stole my drugs!" Ron's wand said. "She doesn't even use drugs!"

"Herwande! Do not steal Rand's drugs. Rand, don't do drugs, citizen!" Harry's wand scolded.

Hermione's wand started snickering and floated closer to Rand. "I stole Superwand's wallet." Rand started laughing too.

"What are you laughing at, citizens?" Superwand asked.

"WHAT?!" Hermione shouted as the three gaped at the talking wands.

"Oh…" Rand said. "Hi. We can't talk. We're inanimate objects!"

"Shut up, Rand," Herwande said. She floated towards them and circled around the three of them. "Whatever." The wand quickly grabbed Hermione's pocket knife, Ron's wallet, and Rock out of Harry's pocket.

"Give those back!" Ron demanded as he snatched all the objects out of their flight, including Hermione's wand.

"Get your grubby hands off me!" Herwande directed. Ron rushed forward and grabbed Rand and Superwand. He handed two wands to their respective owners.

"Unhand me, scoundrel!"

"Be quiet!" Harry whispered. "No one can know magic exists!"

"Blah, blah, blah," Herwande said. "It's all about you, isn't it? Ugh, I literally hate humanity."

"Hehe, we apparated here!" Rand said in the way Ron used to speak.

"You know how to apparate?" Ron asked. "Didn't Dumbledore say that was lost to the ages?"

"Loser," Herwande barked.

"Stop it!" Hermione said as covered the tip of the wand. "Ouch! I think it bit me!"

"Gurl, get your disgusting hands off my mouth."

They tossed the wands in a bag and put the invisibility cloak in it to muffle their objections. With the bag, they ran out of Gryffindor Tower and went to Dumbledore's office. They saw him close the door just after he walked in. They sprinted down the corridor and entered the round room.

"We've got a problem," Ron said as he swung the bag onto Dumbledore's desk. He removed the invisibility cloak and the muffled voices became louder.

"I, Superwand, told you we'd be freed."

The wands floated out of the bags. "Look at all the stuff in here. Some of it looks valuable," Herwande said.

"Give me my drugs back!" Rand said as he sent red sparks in the direction of Herwande.

"You did not just do that. You want a war, you've got one Rand!" Herwande sent her own sparks and Superwand tried to break up the fight to no avail.

Dumbledore stared at the wands. "Huh."

"HUH?! That's all you've got to say?" Hermione hissed.

"I don't know what else to say. I've never seen anything like this before." He watched the wands for another moment. "I'm going to call Hagrid." As soon as Dumbledore uttered the words "talking wands," Hagrid started laughing.

"I am not a joke!" Herwande spat. Well, not literally spat. "Let me talk to 'im!" Dumbledore, just, allowed this to happen. "Hey! Half-giant! I am not a joke!"

Several minutes later, Hagrid walked in to see the madness in person. "Huh. That is very odd."

"Neither of you have any clue on what is going on?!" Ron asked.

"Regrettably not," Dumbledore answered. "If I may, I might take these and give them to an old friend of mine. Wands are his specialty. I'm sure he'll be able to figure it out."

"But we won't be able to do magic..." Harry said.

"You are not using us for magic anymore," Herwande snapped as it avoided the sparks Rand had set off. "We are done being used like useless tools."

"Yes, I, Superwand, work better alone."

"I need to find drugs," Rand replied.

"UGH," Herwande grumbled. "We could have just disapparated out of that stupid bag."

"No you couldn't," Hermione lied. "We used that bag for a reason. It has a magic barrier. You can't disapparate out of it." She stuffed the protesting wands in the bag, followed by the invisibility cloak. She then handed it to Dumbledore.

"Thank you. And nice improvising." Dumbledore smiled before standing. "We'd better get going. These wands won't deliver themselves."

"Wait," Harry exclaimed. "I forgot. Snape… he's a Death Eater. He's spying on the Order. We saw him today at one of the meetings."

Dumbledore and Hagrid stared at them until the headmaster began to speak. "I'll take care of it. You needn't do anything about the matter."

"But—" Ron protested.

"No," Dumbledore said firmly. In an instant, he walked out of the room and was closely followed by Hagrid.

They were left alone in the headmasters' office with Fawkes. "Were the wands the worst versions of ourselves?" Ron suggested.

Harry was insulted. "Superwand and I are pretty much the same."

"True," Hermione said. "Perhaps it was past versions of ourselves."

Ron looked towards the ceiling as he thought. "But that would mean you once were an annoying klepto." Hermione looked to the floor. "Which isn't… It isn't… Is it true?

"Were you?" Harry asked.

"It's not my fault!" she plead. "I didn't know better. I was born into a family of thieves who taught me this was an art."

"So how did you… walk away from it?" Ron asked.

"It was hard. I was the black sheep of my entire family. Worse than that. But the only thing I regret from that time was my initial name change: Pudding."

Harry and Ron began to laugh hysterically. Once Harry composed himself, Harry sent in his approval.

"Good job, Mud. You are a good citizen. I'm seriously thinking about ending your probation."

A surprisingly easy month passed as they waited for the return of their wands. They spent every afternoon during the weekdays looking at their Wand Safety professor in a new, dark way. Dumbledore refused to let them do anything. Their lives were in danger, yet they hadn't been taught anything else than to push away the bad guys and wait until a real wizard just happened to show up.

Harry spent the time he would have used by practicing magic writing his first memoir, titled Harry Potter and His Pet Rock. Harry tried to focus on the first book, but his mind was racing. He shook his head and tried shifting his attention back to the memoir about his first year at Hogwarts. Ron and Hermione returned from their date to find Harry writing furiously with several sheets of paper spread over an entire table. Hermione leaned over his shoulder to sneak a peek.

"Harry, uh, if this is your memoir, shouldn't be written in first person rather than third?"

Harry continued to scribble sentences onto a piece of parchment. "I have something called creative license. This is the vision I have for my book. Is that okay with you?" he snapped.

"Whoah, Harry, chill," Ron said.

Hermione sat down on a couch. "Yeah, it was just a question."

Harry sighed heavily while Ron sat down next to Hermione and put his arm around her. "I'm sorry. I'm stressed out. I've got my superhero duties, and classes, and homework, and I want to work on my memoir… And I'm beginning to worry if we're ever going to see our wands again. And Snape, and Malfoy. The Dursleys are still out there. Along with the rest of the Death Eaters and Voldemort. For whatever reason we haven't seen members of the Order around."

"Most of these aren't your burdens to carry," Ron said. "You've got a ton of sidekicks who are willing to help out with the declining crime of Hogwarts. Classes are always ditchable, homework is never graded, I could buy all of us new wands and Dumbledore could find new cores, we could break Snape and Malfoy in half if we needed to, the Dursleys are incompetent buffoons, the rest of the Death Eaters are just as incompetent, Voldemort doesn't know that we're the three wizards they've been searching for and members of the Order can take care of themselves."

"Well, my worries are resolved," Hermione said cheerfully.

A few quiet minutes passed. "I could use a break," Harry said as he stood and stretched his arms above his head. "Hey, let's go see Moaning Joanne!"

The sixth-floor girls' bathroom was a sight for sore eyes. Moaning Joanne was at her usual window, her only window, watching the world go by.

"Voldemort is Tom Riddle," she said wistfully as they walked in. "He should be, anyway." She turned to look at them. "I don't understand how… how he's in jail, yet… he's been making appearances."

"Voldemort said he was Tom Riddle's father," Harry informed.

"It's impossible!" Moaning Joanne said in a more determined tone. "Tom Riddle Senior was a muggle. He… he wasn't evil... At least, I never thought he was. More importantly, Tom Riddle's father is dead. Tom Jr killed him."

"Then who has been killing people with a bazooka?" Hermione asked.

"The dark lord must be changed in this dimension. But I have no idea who it could be. It's not like I can help you. The only thing I can do in this bathroom is work on the final draft of my first book. My publisher seems to think Americans won't understand a sorcerer's stone. We'll see."

"I'm writing a book as well," Ron said.

"So am I," Harry said.

"It better not be a memoir..." Moaning Joanne growled. Harry laughed. She didn't find this funny. "If I find out you're writing a memoir I'll… I'll…"

"There's no need to feel threatened," Harry said. "We'd better be going. I'm excited to write a bit more."

"Have you been thinking about breaking up with Ginny?" Moaning Joanne asked.

"What?! Why?!"

"To protect her from You-Know-Who. It would add conflict. How else will I make my books heavier than bricks? Also because I decided all of a sudden that you' be better with Hermione."

"Wh—? I don't understand."

Moaning Joanne didn't clarify. Nevertheless, their wands were returned to them the following day in History of Magic. The problem had been fixed, but they weren't given any explanations or answers. Probably because no one had any.

June faded in and Harry didn't neglect Dumbledore's Army. He taught them a bit faster than before and told them to watch Snape and Malfoy carefully. Despite this, no one could have predicted what would happen on the twelfth of that month.

McGonagall — probably the sane one — rushed to the common room to tell them that Dumbledore had called for a mandatory History of Magic class. Hogwarts was notoriously not mandatory in any capacity. Because of this, they knew something was very wrong. Especially considering this was in the evening. They had just wrapped up their Dumbledore's Army meeting and expected to work on their individual projects. For Hermione, her remaining secrets. For Ron, his business. For Harry, planning the next meeting.

McGonagall escorted them to the end of the Gargoyle corridor and hurried them inside Dumbledore's office. Which, by the way, was not their usual classroom and she didn't say anything at all about it which was a bit confusing and rather rude. Waiting for them was Hagrid and Dumbledore.

"We don' have a lo' of time…" Hagrid started, "bu' I've go' ter explain some things ter yeh." They nodded expectantly, stomachs becoming more uneasy as the atmosphere became as ominous as the dark looming clouds.

"Is… Is it storytime?" Harry asked, staring dramatically at his professors.

"Yes, Harry," Dumbledore whispered.

But this time, Hagrid began the story, which was a welcome change of pace. "Dumbledore an' I started Hogwarts 'cause we were lookin' fer yeh. The three wizards. It could've bin anyone born from a muggle family. Our firs' plan included these magic rocks we had. In the hands of a wizard, they'd get hotter, an' glow a greenish color. We'd take 'em to hospitals and test all the little babies.

"You tested every baby?" Ron asked. "That seems impossible."

"We're good at networking," Dumbledore explained.

Hagrid continued. "Bu' after a while of that we had ter ditch the rocks."

"Why?" Hermione asked.

"Voldemort found out about them," Dumbledore answered. "Instead of risking ourselves and our helpful friends at the high likelihood of him coming after the rocks, we destroyed them. Making sure he witnessed it."

"Oh," Harry smiled. "I get it. You destroyed all but one, and the last magic rock is actually Rock!"

"No. There aren' any lef'."

"Sure," Harry winked.

Hagrid moved on. "We had ter make a new plan, and tha' was Hogwarts. I traveled aroun' makin' kids believe they were wizards, an' I made the studious ones really interes'ed in snakes. Firs' the more recalcitrant families."

"Right," Hermione nodded. "Hogwarts used to be a school for thieves."

"In a way," Dumbledore sighed, "I suppose that is correct. We had forgotten that those who wished to stay hidden from the law, didn't have their children at hospitals. So those we had missed who were over the age of eleven were the first students of Hogwarts."

Ron swallowed. "That must've been…"

"'Bout a million times worse than the heigh' of crime in Ravenclaw," Hagrid nodded. "Wasn' jus' the Grangers and Wilkins. There were assassins, enforcers, gang members, and o' course the other thief families. Those were dark times… On'y thing that'd make it darker was if Voldemort was still in power."

"How did you survive?" Harry asked.

"You don't want to know," Dumbledore replied.

"We had ter pretend to be the bes' thieves, assassins, and gang members the world had e'er seen. Tha' kep' 'em in check. Despite all the felons, they called it Cupidwarts."

"What?" Ron squinted.

Hermione looked over at him. "Yeah, since the school brought a lot of people with the same set of morals together, many thief families started right here. My parents and both of my uncles met my aunts at Cupidwarts. Er, Hogwarts."

"You really did a disservice to us heroes," Harry stated.

Interrupting the class, they heard glass shattering. "They're early!" Hagrid shouted as the shattering continued.

"Who's early?!" Ron asked.

His question was finally answered once they got to the other end of the Gargoyle corridor. Death Eaters were storming the grounds. They ran all over the place in small groups yelling "hut, hut, hut, hut." There was no warning to the students. Not even a call ahead. Although that does make sense. Why would they warn about something like that?

"Where are the students?" Harry demanded.

"The heads of house have told them to remain in their houses," Dumbledore replied.

Harry nodded. "Very good."

"Le's split up," Hagrid suggested.

"Yes, good idea," Dumbledore agreed.

"Uh, isn't that a kind of terrible plan?" Ron asked.

But they were gone. Dumbledore moved pretty fast for an old dude. Like suspiciously fast.

"Did they just abandon us with nothing to defend ourselves with?" Hermione asked.

Things kinda… well deescalated at least on the trio's side of things. They had retrieved their golf cart and zoomed around the halls, honking at Death Eaters and scaring the tacos out of them. Getting the idea to herd the cloaked figures like sheep, they headed outside.

But they saw something horrible. As they neared the astronomy tower, they saw Dumbledore chilling on the ground.

"I don't think he's chilling, Harry," Ron realized.

The only person around him was one lone Death Eater. Stepping on the gas, Harry chased after the walking killer. Hearing the golf cart, the Death Eater over his shoulder and backed out of the way. They sped by, and Hermione ripped the mask off of his face.

It was Snape. And peeking out of his black cloak was Darth Wing.

"Snape!" Harry growled. The professor stood there, mostly confused, but with Snape, it was so hard to tell. "We should have arrested you when we had the chance!"

"When you followed me even when I told you what you wanted to know?"

"Exactly!" Hermione grinned. "And it was my idea."

"Well then it's time for my revenge." With his threat, they readied their wands. "I know what you've been hiding this year, Miss Granger."

Hermione gasped. "You wouldn't!"

"I would." He smirked. "You've been tutoring students in the hospital wing!"

She gaped at him. "Death Eater half-vampire!"

"Tutorer!"

She gasped again. "Why would I tutor for a school that doesn't even grade students? I hate learning! I hate school!"

"I'm thoroughly confused," Ron admitted.

"It doesn't make sense!"

Snape used Hermione's weird rant as a distraction. Retrieving his wand from his cloak, he muttered something. A flash of white light blinded them and when they finally regained most of their vision, he was gone. Scanning the grounds, they saw him alerting the other Death Eaters. "Retreat!" he yelled. "Retreat!"

And soon they were gone. In addition to their disappearance, Dumbledore's body had also gone missing. Which was pretty weird, and no one seemed to think it was suspicious.

Hagrid took over for Dumbledore as the headmaster because he is very qualified and we love him.

The end of the school year stubbornly arrived and Hagrid had to make his first big boi speech at the end-of-term feast.

"Though we've lost a grea' teacher, friend, an' role model this year, we'll forge ahead. A dark time is righ' aroun' the corner… bu' in time, we'll find the solution." He left the podium and the students took it as a cue to eat. Dumbledore's throne of a seat, which would be more comfortable for Hagrid and his size, remained empty at the center of the staff table. Hagrid returned to his usual seat and the students discreetly insulted Slughorn on how he was eating his permanent leprechaun hat marshmallows.

That summer, Harry decided to go with Ron and Hermione to the Burrow. If things did get worse with ol' Voldey, he needed to be there.

The End

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