TWENTY-SIX

In the first few weeks since joining Avalanche, I scoured the slums for books and resources about planetology, spending almost all my free time reading about spirit energy, the flow of souls, and the devastating effects of Shinra's mako harvesting through the reactors. I'd often bring a book with me when I'd stop by the bar to eat or visit, sometimes with a bit of good-natured ribbing about it from Biggs and Wedge. But they gladly shared what they knew with me.

I started to understand why they had joined up, too. Wedge, more than anything, wanted to make a difference and improve things for his family and everyone else. As for Biggs, it all came down to Lena, really. I'd seen for myself how the mako fumes affected her, and I understood all too well what it was like to lose someone that close to you. He didn't want to lose her like they'd lost their mom. And he was also doing this to help the kids at the Leaf House.

Speaking of Biggs, I'd started to notice that he seemed to be a little different lately. He was still as friendly and helpful as always, but I had begun to notice his soft gaze lingering on me more than usual when he thought I wasn't looking. And if our fingers happened to brush against each other, he'd glance at me and then quickly make some kind of joke or comment and pull his eyes away. I didn't get it, at least not then, so I just shrugged it off and didn't think much of it.

Barret and I talked often, and as I listened to him tell me about the planet and how it was alive and how Shinra was killing it by siphoning its energy, I saw how passionate he was about it. Marlene was the force behind it, the personal face of what he was fighting for just as Lena was for Biggs. I saw that easily enough. But although he never talked about it, I was sure Corel was part of his motivation, too. I could see the rage in his eyes whenever he mentioned Shinra.

As for Tifa, while I knew that she hated Shinra as much as the rest of us, she hadn't said all that much about why. Only that she'd lost a lot because of them, which I definitely understood. We shared a lot of late nights together, just talking outside on the bar's front patio, sometimes with a cold drink and a generous slice of her chocolate cake, a scoop of ice cream, or both. My favorite was banana raspberry with a cherry on top, which I quickly introduced her to. She loved it.

I didn't even realize it was spring at first, one warm night when we were all hanging out together at Seventh Heaven after Tifa had closed it up. We did that a lot, talking and planning or sometimes just relaxing. We didn't have a hideout, not really, although the place had a basement that didn't see much use. You could only get in through a pair of doors at the base of the wall behind the bar. It was still a bit too visible for us, though. We needed something more private.

"So what's on the agenda, boss?" Biggs asked, sitting at the bar with a bottle of beer in his hand.

Wedge was next to him. "More flyers?"

Barret took a drink of his own beer. "Some, yeah. Also got a lead to follow up on, too."

"What kinda lead?" Biggs asked.

"Shinra supply depot over in the Sector 4 slums," Barret explained. "I got wind of it jus' the other day. It's where they store alla them spare parts for the machines runnin' the reactors."

Wedge rubbed his chin. "What are we gonna do?"

Barret was sitting with Tifa and I at one of the tables near the guys. "First thing to do's have a look 'round. Can't plan anythin' 'till we know more 'bout what we're dealin' with."

"A reconnaissance mission," I said, seeing what he meant.

"That's right," he nodded. "You up for it, Jessie?"

I blinked. "Me?"

Barret grinned. "Yeah, you! This is your chance to do somethin' for the cause. Hangin' up posters is good an' all, but we gotta do more than that if we're gonna save our planet."

"Oh, hell yeah!" I pumped my fist. "I'm in!"

I'd been waiting and hoping for an opportunity like this ever since I'd first joined Avalanche about a month ago. We did a lot of planning, but aside from going around town at night putting our signs up on the walls and fences, that was about it. Until now, anyway. And if we pulled this off, it could lead to more action against Shinra, chances to strike at them and start building that better future we all wanted. I was in all the way, no doubt about it. I was ready.

Barret saw it, too. "Gladta hear it! Tifa'll go with ya, too. We talked it over already. The rest of us'll keep an eye on things here while you're gone. That sound like a plan, Jessie?"

I chuckled. "Sure does! When do we leave?"

"Next weekend," he said. "She'll get the bar closed early. Goin' after dark oughta help keep ya from bein' noticed."

"Sounds like fun," I winked.

Tifa laughed. "I'll definitely keep us on our toes, that's for sure. So, how does Saturday sound? I know my regulars'll probably complain as soon as I close the bar, but Barret and I can handle them easily enough, so I think that'll be our best bet."

I smiled. "Yeah, it should be. Oh, what's today's date, by the way? I get so lost in my work sometimes that I don't even know what day it is. Hard to believe it's spring already, you know?"

"Time does go by, doesn't it?" Tifa agreed. "Anyway, today's March 16th. I really should get a calendar for the bar one of these days. Might help us with our planning, too."

"March 16th?" I stared at her, my eyes widening.

She nodded. "That's right. Why?"

For a moment, I couldn't say anything. I just sat there, stunned as I realized how long I'd been in the slums and exactly what day it was. My heart ached so suddenly and so fiercely I nearly gasped. I knew exactly what this day was, what it should've been. What it would've been if my life hadn't been turned upside down so many months ago. I had to shut my eyes to keep from breaking down.

Then I heard Biggs. "You okay, Jessie?"

Letting out a deep breath, I slipped on a cheerful smile and leaned back in my chair. "I'm fine. It just took me by surprise, is all. Guess I've been down here longer than I thought."

The guys bought it, though Tifa didn't look convinced. I didn't like stretching the truth like that, but I also didn't feel up to talking about it right then. So I changed the subject, lightening things up with a funny joke I'd heard from one of my customers. But even as we talked and the conversation went on for a while, Tifa would gaze curiously at me from time to time. No doubt she was worried.

After another hour or so, the guys left, telling Tifa and I goodnight as we stacked the chairs onto the tables. I didn't mind helping her even though I wasn't staying here anymore. We were friends, after all. And I needed a friend right now, even though I didn't know how to tell her. I just worked and kept that smile in place, chatting with her all the while as if nothing was wrong. I still knew how to act, after all. But I figured Tifa would see through it anyway.

I set the last chair in place. "Well, I think that's it."

"Thanks for the help," Tifa smiled.

"Anytime," I laughed. "I'm gonna go outside and get some fresh air on the patio for a while. Don't wait up!"

She chuckled. "Okay. See you later, Jessie."

I half expected Tifa to follow me, but she just took a rag and began wiping down the bar. Maybe she understood I needed some time alone first, even if she didn't know what was bothering me. I hadn't been able to get it out of my mind ever since she'd told me the date, and although I had kept up a cheerful front ever since, I could feel it starting to crack as I stepped outside onto the patio.

The tears came before I was even halfway to the rail, and as I stood there with my hands on the smooth wood, I looked upward, feeling the wetness on my cheeks as I gazed at the underside of the plate. I still did that almost every day, but tonight was different. I thought about where Kunsel and I could've been now if we hadn't been torn apart. What this day should've been for us. Our special day.

I almost didn't hear the door open about fifteen minutes later, and I didn't turn to look as Tifa quietly walked up beside me. She didn't say anything but just waited patiently, and she wasn't the least bit surprised to find me in tears. At first, I couldn't find the words, didn't know how to get them past the hard lump in my throat. But after a while, I took a breath and looked over at her.

"You know what… today is?" I asked.

She put her hand over mine. "More than just the 16th."

I nodded. "A lot more. I told you it didn't work out… with the guy I loved. We were forced apart. It wasn't our idea, but… I had to leave. I had to come down here to survive. And my guy, he… he stayed behind to protect me. Don't ask me to explain."

"You don't have to," Tifa assured me. "Go on."

I sniffled. "Well, before all that happened, he and I had been seeing each other for a long time, and… we'd gotten really close. I don't know if you followed the news back then, but… he and I…we were engaged. He proposed to me just two months before… before we lost it all. And today… today was supposed to be…"

She slid her arms around me. "Oh, Jessie. I'm sorry…"

"My wedding day…" I sobbed.

With that, the dam broke, and I let Tifa hold me as I cried. I wasn't used to being so vulnerable like this, so openly emotional—most of the time, I hid my feelings behind a laugh and a smile—but I trusted Tifa. I knew I was safe with her. Aerith had been the same way, a good friend I could be real with. I missed her, but with how busy my work was and how short I usually kept my trips to Sector 5, I hadn't seen her. I hoped we'd meet again someday, though.

I wept, burying my face in Tifa's shoulder, and my chest hitched as memories of my days on the plate, my days with Kunsel, swept through my mind in a torrent of color and sound. Motorcycle rides, performing on stage, walking hand in hand down the street, warm laughter, tender kisses, fiery passion. That fateful night I'd walked into Goblin's Bar and changed both our lives. Seeing him watching me in LOVELESS for the first time earlier that evening. Sitting on the Gust in his arms as one of the trains shot out of the tunnel beneath us.

So many memories, so many images. I still thought about Kunsel a lot, about the life we'd had and lost. I missed him, and I wondered if I'd ever be able to let go. If I would ever see him again. As I let it all out, all the hurt I'd kept pent up inside, I clung to Tifa, angry at Shinra and my father for tearing Kunsel and I apart and for destroying the life that I'd built up for myself on the plate.

"Sorry…" I murmured once I'd worn myself out.

Tifa just squeezed me gently. "What for? You can't keep the pain all locked up behind a smile forever. Sometimes you just have to let it out. So don't worry about it, okay?"

I looked up at her. "Yeah. It's the actress in me."

"I know," she smiled. "But I'm here for you, Jessie. Whenever it gets to be too much. You're not alone."

"Thanks, Tifa," I said, wiping my eyes.

She hugged me. "Anytime. Up for some cake?"

"Oh, you bet!" I laughed, letting go of her. "I could definitely use a bit of chocolate right about now."

"Me too!" Tifa agreed.

Before went went inside, though, I reached into the front pocket of my pants and took out a small bag made of dark red velvet. Tugging on the drawstrings, I pulled it open and reached inside for what I had kept carefully tucked away in there—my engagement ring. As I held it for a moment, the large diamond's glittering facets brightly reflected the soft amber glow of the porch lights.

I showed it to Tifa. "He proposed to me on my birthday. Got down on one knee and everything."

"It's beautiful…" she said, her hand on my shoulder.

"I tried to give it back when… when I had to leave the plate, but he asked me to keep it. As a reminder, you know? Of his love. I carry it on me all the time. It's… all I have left of him."

Tifa nodded. "I understand. You must miss him a lot."

"I do," I admitted, blinking away fresh tears. "But if I hadn't had to come down here, I never would've met you guys, either. And I wouldn't trade you all for anything."

"Same here," she smiled. "Now how about that dessert?"

I grinned. "Ready when you are!"

As we went back inside the bar, I returned the ring to its bag, then slipped it back into my pocket. I wondered if I would ever be able to let Kunsel go, if I would ever be able to love again. I wasn't ready, not now, but maybe… maybe someday. I just needed time.

Tifa's double chocolate cake was, as always, delicious. It was one of her most popular dishes, so there was often some left over at the end of the night. She and I helped ourselves to a slice each, chatting about one thing or another and laughing as we sat together at one of the tables. It felt as if I had found a sister. And maybe I had.

In the stillness, the flood of memories stops. I'm in the dark again, in this black, quiet place between life and death. At first, there's nothing. No different than before. One moment pretty much the same as the next. It's strange, and I don't know if I'll ever wake up. Or if I even can. But then I hear a voice, one that I know and love. A sexy, cool voice that makes my heart flutter and skip a beat when I hear it.

It's Cloud.

"Don't even think about giving up," he urges me. "We've come too far together. So you're gonna make it, you hear? You're gonna live. I won't let you die. I'm gonna save you."

Does this mean… I'm still alive? Cloud's voice is soft and steady, and it's all around me. It fills me and gives me hope. More than anything else, I want to answer him, but I can't. I'm still stuck in this place, whatever it is, and I don't know how to get out. Was that… really him? Or was it just my dying mind playing tricks on me?

I can feel a pull, slow but insistent, toward a deeper darkness as I lay here in between. And I'm not sure how long I can resist it. I do know that if I go there, I won't be coming back. I really will die. I'm not sure how to stop it, not yet, but maybe I can at least delay it. So I take my mind back to my early days in Sector 7, remembering the friends I'd made, the good times and the bad. I fight the cold of death with the warmth of life, using my memories to stay afloat. And alive.

I was sitting at my desk in my shop four days later when Biggs and Wedge stopped by. They'd do that sometimes when they weren't out on patrol in the outskirts. Lucky for them, I'd just gotten back here not too long ago from replacing the water filter at my friend Katie's house. She was fun, energetic, and really into her job. She kept track of how many monsters the watch took out every day, writing the numbers on a huge chalkboard behind her, and sometimes I could hear her halfway across town as she called out the totals.

"Hi, guys!" I smiled, my fingers flying easily over the keyboard as I worked on my computer. "Just a sec, okay? I've got a little bookkeeping to do. Won't take long, though."

Biggs leaned against the wall. "No problem, Jessie."

"Hey, you fixed that radio!" Wedge beamed.

It was sitting on a shelf behind my desk, music playing softly from the speakers. Wedge had found it for me last week in one of the piles of junk and scrap lying around town. It hadn't worked at first, but after I'd done a little scavenging of my own, I had repaired it with the parts that I'd found and made for it. And now, whenever I came here, I had some nice songs to listen to while I worked.

"Wasn't that hard," I explained. "Just had to do a little rewiring and replace a few parts. Now it's good as new!"

"You really can fix anything, can't you?" Wedge laughed.

I chuckled. "Pretty much."

Biggs grinned. "'Course she can. She's a genius!"

"Thanks, guys. I'm almost done here. Just need to—" I didn't get to finish, though, because the ringing of my phone suddenly cut me off. I picked it up and smiled apologetically at my friends. "Rasberry Repair Services, Jessie speaking. What can I do for ya?"

It was a new customer, a guy in Sector 8 whose TV was on the fritz and who needed a new filter installed for his garden, too. Nothing that I couldn't handle, of course. I got lots of calls like this, almost every day now that word had spread across the slums about me and what I could do. Kept me pretty busy, but I liked it.

After taking down his information and making the appointment, I hung up and winked at the guys. "Sorry about that. I'm just so popular now, you know? All thanks to you, of course."

"Awww, it wasn't much," Wedge blushed. "We just helped you out a little. And you did the rest."

Biggs nodded. "You're damn good at what you do."

I winked. "Thanks. So what's up?"

"Thought we could go take a look at the basement we've got under the bar. Boss wants to use it for a hideout, but we need to come up with a way to get in there without being noticed."

"Sure, I've been thinking about that," I agreed.

Wedge laughed. "Great! Got any ideas?"

I smirked. "Not yet. Maybe once I see the place. I didn't even know the bar had a basement 'till I signed on with Avalanche. Looks like I'm getting in on all the secrets now, though!"

"Sure are," Biggs said.

"I'll go on ahead," Wedge suggested. "Tifa's got the keys to the back door, so I can go pick them up and get the basement open while you're busy closing up, Jessie. Sound good?"

I nodded. "You bet! We'll be there soon."

Biggs turned to me. "Need a hand?"

"If you want to," I smiled as Wedge left. "Mind putting those parts on the shelf for me?"

"No problem!" he said.

While I shut down my computer, put my phone in my pocket, and straightened up the papers on my desk, Biggs went over to the far wall and started picking up the different machine and filter parts that I had found in the junk piles yesterday during one of my salvage runs. I often brought back anything that looked useful and sorted through it later. It was kinda fun, actually, seeing what I could pull from the discards and make into a working gadget or component.

I was just heading over to give Biggs a hand with stocking the shelf when he turned around to pick up another part and bumped right into me by accident. I yelped in surprise as I began tumbling backward, but he caught me quickly, taking me by the shoulders as I held onto him to steady myself. He didn't let go right away, though.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said. "Just got too close too fast, I guess."

He grinned. "My fault. Should've watched what I was doing. Didn't hear ya coming. Sorry about that."

"You're fine," I assured him. "Thanks for catching me."

Biggs' gaze lingered on me. "Sure…"

I blinked as I realized he still hadn't let go, either with his hands or his eyes. "Everything alright, Biggs?"

"I… what?" he looked away. "Oh, uh… I'm fine."

I raised an eyebrow as he dropped his arms to his sides. "You sure? You've been acting a little weird lately."

Biggs put another part on the shelf. "I have?"

"Yeah," I said. "Wanna talk about it? I've got a good ear."

He swallowed and stepped a little closer to me. "Well… I guess so. But maybe, uh… over dinner? Just you and me. There's a new place up the street I've been wanting to try. Supposed to be really good. If you're interested, we could go there tonight."

"Are you… talking about a date?" I stared at him.

"I suppose I am…" Biggs admitted.

Now it all made sense. No wonder he hadn't been quite himself. He had feelings for me. It was sweet, but as I slowly let that realization sink in, I felt bad for him, too. He was a good friend, a great friend, but that was all it could be. And I also understood what Mom must've felt when Reeve had expressed his interest in her, how she hadn't wanted to hurt their friendship if it didn't work out. I didn't want that happening with Biggs, either. He meant too much to me.

I took his hand. "Come with me, Biggs. Let's talk."

Smiling encouragingly, I led him over to my desk and sat down on the edge. Then I patted the space next to me. He sighed as he sat down, probably seeing where this was going. There wasn't any helping it, but I could at least make it gentle. I'd had to turn away a guy or two since I'd moved here, but I knew this would be different.

"Guess that's a no…" Biggs sighed.

"How long have you been… interested in me?" I asked.

He looked straight ahead at the door, not meeting my gaze at first. "To be honest with you… ever since we met. But it didn't really take off until about a month ago."

"When you found out who I was," I said.

Biggs nodded. "Yeah. Wedge wasn't lying when he said I was really into Jessie Jae. And… I guess I am."

It made sense. "That's what I figured."

"But you don't feel the same way, do you?" he said.

"I'm sorry, Biggs," I shook my head.

He closed his eyes. "Damn…"

"You're a great guy," I told him, taking his hand. "And I'm flattered that you feel the way you do about me. I really am. But you see, I'm not ready for… anything like that. With anyone."

"What do you mean?" he wondered, looking at me.

I went on. "I had someone, for a long time. A guy I loved a lot. We were even gonna get married, but…"

Biggs gasped. "Ah, shit, I'm sorry, Jessie! I forgot, it was all over the news. He was a soldier, wasn't he? You and him were gonna get hitched until… whatever happened that brought you down here. Of course you wouldn't be ready. I should've remembered…"

"It's okay," I smiled. "I know you didn't mean any harm."

"Thanks," he said.

I patted his hand. "Sure. You okay?"

"I'll be alright," Biggs gave me a lopsided grin that was shakier than he let on. "And I can wait, it's no big deal."

I shook my head. "No, Biggs. Don't do that."

He blinked. "Why not?"

"It wouldn't be fair to you," I explained. "I don't want you to miss a chance for happiness because you were still hoping that we might have something together. You need to be free. I'm really sorry, but… it's not gonna happen between us, Biggs."

He nodded but didn't say anything at first. We just sat there side by side for a bit, soft music still playing from the radio. I didn't like having to turn him down, but I just wasn't in the right place for a relationship. It was still too soon. And he was my friend, almost like a brother. That was how I saw him, how I'd always seen him.

"I guess I understand," he said. "And thanks for being honest about it. Ain't easy, but… I'll be okay."

"Sure. We're still friends, aren't we?" I asked.

He smiled. "'Course we are, Jessie. No way that'll change."

I grinned. "Awesome! Now come here."

Standing up, I waited for Biggs with open arms as he got to his feet. When he reached out, I drew him into a hug—nice and tight—and for a moment we just held onto each other. He hadn't said it, but I knew he was disappointed. This hadn't gone the way he'd hoped, and I could tell it would take a while for him to work through it. Must've fallen for me pretty hard. But I knew he'd be alright, in time.

"Hey, Biggs…" I told him. "No matter what happens, I'll always be here for you. I'll always be your friend."

He hugged me again. "Same here, Jessie. Same here."

I laughed. "Great! Now let's go check out that basement. We'll turn it into an awesome hideout!"

"Lead the way!" Biggs gave me a thumbs up.

We left the shop after that, and once I'd locked it up, we headed up the street and out onto the main road. It didn't take us long to get back to the bar, and as we walked up to the large front yard, I decided I'd try to cheer Biggs up a bit. I gave him a playful elbow into his side, and he glanced at me with a little laugh.

"Gotta admit, you are a pretty handsome guy," I teased. "A real stud muffin. You're not gonna have any trouble finding a cute girl to love on ya someday. So don't you worry!"

He chuckled. "Guess you're right, Jessie. Thanks."

"Hey, guys!" Tifa called, waving to us. She was up on the bar's front patio wiping down the tables. "Wedge is already downstairs waiting for you. I'll come with, if you don't mind."

"Sure thing, Tifa!" I waved back. "Let's go!"