Chapter One

The First Ending

POV - Ben

Quiet. Absolute quiet. Not a sound could be heard. There was almost a weight to the nothingness surrounding him. Ben opened his eyes and was struck at how he was suddenly alone. He could still feel her hands on his body. On his face. On his -

'Oh my God she kissed me!' He remembered her face - every detail. He could see her relief, her joy… he could see her alive. He saved her. He saved her. They won! She's alive! She kissed him! He's - ….. He's - …. Alone.

'What happened? Where am I? Did I… of course I did! I knew what I was doing. I saved her though. I could FEEL it. She was real. I was real - I AM real. I am…. Am I dead?'

Ben saw Rey again in his memory only this time, she was dead. He remembers holding her lifeless body after she defeated her grandfather. He could feel the ice cold pit in his stomach begin to creep up, threatening to put bile in his mouth.

'NO. SHE'S ALIVE. You saved her.'

His mind swirled, trying to put together fragmented memories of what seemingly just happened. What was he feeling? 'Stop. Calm down. Search your feelings. What are you experiencing right now?' As he grounded himself one prominent, guttural feeling, made itself known. 'Pain. I am feeling pain.' It was not physical, as no part of his body was injured… it was something else. He searched deeper, calming the storm of images, feelings, and sounds swirling in his mind screaming for his attention. It felt like it was taking hours until the realization of what just occurred hit him.

- Flashback -

Rey died. He had helped her defeat Emperor Palpatine. He fought alongside her once again. But she died. He had to do something. Thit was not an option - nobody else could die. It was with calmness that he knelt beside her lifeless form and tenderly lifted her into an embrace. She was still warm. He could smell the heat of the battle upon her mixed with the scent of forest still in her hair. The sweat shined on her body - her muscles not yet tense. The scavenger from Jakku looked like she was resting. It almost felt real… but he knew better. In this moment she was gone. She won, but she was gone. Instead of dread, grief, or despair, a sense of stability washed over him and his next steps were clear.

Still holding Rey, he lowered her into his lap and placed his hands on her. There was no guarantee this would work. He had only ever seen this in the texts his uncle had briefly shown him. There could be consequences but he'd be damned if he let her go. He had nobody left.

He took a deep breath and focused on giving all he had to her. Immediately he felt the damage on her body. He grounded himself once again and began his work. At first, nothing happened. But he gave it time. He would give all the time in the world if he had to.

After a beat, he felt what almost resembles threads leave his hands and latch onto Rey's body. With no idea if this was working, he continued on. This had to work. It HAD to. His hands began to warm, the invisible threads multiplying and becoming highways of energy from himself to Rey. He expected this to hurt or to feel draining, when in fact he was surprised to feel lighter - almost lifted. He began to see flashes of happiness. Laughing with his father. His mother's embrace. The first time he held a lightsaber. Training to be a Jedi with his friends. The first time he saw Rey in the forest. At this vision, the warmth in his hands began to turn into a pulsing energy. He could feel every cell in his body vibrate and direct their energy to Rey. Still there was no pain.

More memories flashed before his eyes and the feelings attached to them were amplified. It was overwhelming - all of it was happening so fast and so intensely. It was not unwelcome but it felt like it was nearly too much to handle. Suddenly everything stopped.

'Fuck, it didn't work. No, no, no, no, no she can't be dead. She can't be…'

He did not want to open his eyes. He was so close, so freaking close. As he takes a deep breath in defeat, he feels the slightest movement on his lap. His eyes snapped open studying Rey's features, searching for any sign of life. Her body remained still. It was very possible that he had just imagined the movement in hopes that his healing worked. Panic begins to set in. He was too late.

Just as he was about to bow his head in grief, Rey's eyes opened. The world stood still as she summoned strength to sit up on her own. She locked eyes with him and smiled. He has never seen anything more beautiful and he has never felt more relief. He did it, he saved her. She was looking at him with the faith that nobody ever saw in him. Their connection was stronger than ever. Her emotions mixed with his and he never felt such uninhibited joy. For the first time in years, he couldn't help but smile back.

"Ben," she exclaimed as she took his head into her hands, "you came back!" He leaned into her touch and was surprised to feel a strong emotion from her that he could not quite identify. Tears welled in her eyes as she felt it from him. To his astonishment, she leaned in with confidence and connected their lips in a passionate kiss. It felt like it was meant to happen for millennia - that the world held its breath for this very moment. He returned her kiss, a tear running down his face. He saved her and she chose him. She chose him. Nothing else in the universe mattered in this moment.

When they finally pulled apart, they were both beaming - the hope of a thousand generations finally coming to fruition. Everything was finally at balance and at a true peace.

He looked once again into Rey's eyes and felt a massive weight leave his body all at once. His vision left him as did his breath. He felt his body arch and fall. Before he could feel himself hit the cold ground, he opened his eyes.

- End of Flashback -

"Shit." He mumbles quietly. He knew that healing Rey with the amount of damage she sustained was risky, but he could have sworn that he made it. A mix of feelings bombard him all at once. She felt the same way for him. It was not just one sided like he had secretly feared all this time. She kissed him. 'Rey chose me' The lightness of unadulterated joy and exhilaration were weighed down by the sobering realization that the taste of belonging to someone was all he was going to get. He was dead.

He was happy, actually happy for the first time and in that very second, it was all stripped away from him. None of this was fair, how could it be?! He met the one person who saw him for everything he was and loved him for it anyway and all along, they could have been together. She even saw him at his worst when he was killing countless armies of the Resistance and all those who opposed him… and she somehow saw past all of that. "Ben, you came back!" It's like she knew he was there the whole time. It was almost like she had been waiting for him to come home. She was his home.

All the 'what ifs' of what he and Rey could have been hit him all at once. Her smile, her embrace, her kiss, even their fighting… all of it was gone.

A surge of anger courses through his body, "Are you fucking kidding me?!" he screams. He looks around. There is nothing to break, nothing to fight, nothing to make his pain go away. 'Why the fuck am I here then?' he thought. He did not know if this is life after death. He had no idea where he was or what to do next.

His pain sat like an icy rope tangling itself further and further into his gut. It was getting harder to breathe as tears pricked his eyes. "Rey," he whispers. Defeat set in. The anger and pain was nearly paralyzing him. How was he supposed to spend eternity like this? Was this a punishment of sorts? Was this how he was being repaid for the countless lives he took as Kylo Ren?

Maybe he deserved it. Maybe this was his hell. Yes, he was manipulated from a young age and traumatized by his uncle nearly murdering him. His parents gave him up and basically pretended like he did not exist for years. He was surrounded by droids and stormtroopers - not great for conversation and warm feelings. There was nobody for him to talk to… until Rey. She marked when he began to change… but was it too late? Was any of his past enough explanation for the atrocities he committed against others - including his own family?

Rey turned out okay - no, Rey was practically an angel. She was left to fend for herself in the slave trade, her traumas most likely unmentionable. She also had no one to talk to. She descended from the Emperor himself and still managed to be good and selfless - even towards him, an enemy. She walked in a room and people were lifted up and inspired to be better. When he walked in a room people either cowered or wanted to kill him. How did he fuck up so badly?

Ben reached the conclusion that he did in fact deserve this void to spend God knows how long. It was probably the most clear explanation he discovered since he 'woke up'. It was grounding for him, it made sense, it almost seemed fair.

This conclusion felt peaceful… fucked up, but peaceful. He got what he deserved, end of story. But then flashes of Rey's smile, "Ben, you came back!", and that kiss… stars, that kiss viciously intrude his thoughts over and over again. Was that perhaps the ultimate punishment? An act of love to plague his thoughts as he rotted away in… whatever this place is.

As he runinated on these thoughts and replayed every moment and memory he had with Rey, he could not shake one thought… 'Someone good chose me'. It certainly challenged the reasoning of why he was here. If a woman as pure and amazing as Rey could not be repulsed that the two of them were connected by the force, let alone kiss him… was he really that bad? She thought he was redeemable.

This hopeful yet unsettling thought destroyed nearly every notion that this was his own personal hell. However, it put him back at square one of trying to figure out why he was here. Ben realized that regardless of the reason, he did not seem to be going anywhere any time soon. As much as he wanted to do something there was quite literally nothing to do nor was there a direction for his next actions.

Uncle Luke had pounded into his skull the importance of meditation. He thought it was kind of all boring bullshit at the time… but seeing that he was stuck in a seemingly endless void with no way out, it was all he could do.

Ben sat down and made himself as comfortable as he could. He made his back straight, face forward, eyes closed, and breath even. He made himself become aware of what his body was feeling, how it felt in this space. This proved to be more difficult than he remembered in his trainings with Luke. He actively had to take distance himself from his thoughts of Rey and all events leading to his demise.

It took what felt like a very long time for Ben to reach the space in his mind that he wished to rest in. A light buzz or hum indicated he was making himself at one with the force - something he was unsure he was able to do considering he was dead.

The choice to reach this space proved to be a good idea. He had no idea how long he had been meditating. It could have been minutes, hours, days. Normally, he would stop in order to eat or sleep - but given these circumstances, he figured eating was not necessarily a requirement to sustain him.

He could have stayed in this meditative state forever. Maybe eternity would not be so bad. He certainly felt at peace. He was allowing every thought sit within him but not hold much weight. Every muscle in his body was relaxed. The force was with him and he was with the force.

He plunged deeper and deeper into his connection with the force, going farther than he ever had before. Suddenly he heard a murmur that definitely did not come from him. He waited. 'Nothing, it was nothing.' and he continued his meditation. He slipped back to where he left off when he heard the murmur again, except this time is was clearer… this time, he listened.

It was a voice, that he knew for sure. It sounded familiar, like something or someone he heard in a dream. He waited to hear it again, not wanting to open his eyes in fear that there was nothing there. Hallucinations were the last thing he needed.

The next time the voice spoke it was no longer a murmur, it was right next to him. "Ben." it said clearly, "Ben, we need to talk."