Don't panic Ericka, panicking never helps.
In spite of my attempts to talk myself down, keeping my head is hard. Lucifer is standing on my doorstep, and Leviathan is wrapped around my stomach squealing like a schoolgirl that just got her own pony.
Which is what helps in the end. They aren't hostile, and if they managed to make it to the door without the wards going off they have no ill intent. And Leviathan seems to like me at least?
Lucifer coughs into his hand looking slightly amused, "Serafall, perhaps you should wait until we're introduced at least before the hugging starts?"
"Muuu!" The short girl wrapped around my middle pouts, "Fiiine." The powerful devil hops backwards and strikes a pose straight out of an anime. Not a good one either. She has one leg lifted and kicked out at the knee, her wand held over her head parallel to the ground, and her other hand held out in front of her in a peace sign, "I'm the marvelous, the miraculous, the magical, Levi-tan!"
This...
This is what going insane feels like, isn't it?
With a smacking sound Lucifer's palm meets his face and he heaves a sigh, "I am Sirzechs Lucifer, this is Serafall Leviathan. Miss Rhostana, I'm told that you'll find our existence less than a surprise." Leviathan drops her pose, and plants her fists on her hips, pouting aggressively up at her taller companion, "Might we come inside and talk? We both have a few things to discuss with you."
Do I really have a choice?
I wave them in, still not trusting my voice. To make sure I don't screw anything up, and give myself time to recover my composure, I head into the kitchen. Interestingly, what allowed me to pull myself together are the manners that I absorbed from Cait while living with her. Nobody is as polite as the Fae when they're trying.
Important note, polite is in no way the same thing as nice.
I deliver a glass of water to both of the devils, and offer them a seat on the couch. I have to drag a chair in from the kitchen for a place for me to sit, the house being designed and furnished for no more than two, or three really friendly people.
I set my chair down opposite the couch and facing it, "So. What's brought you here?"
Leviathan takes a sip from the water and gives a slight nod before taking an actual drink. Lucifer takes a drink from his own glass then leans forward placing his elbows on his knees, "Well the first question is, what brought you to Kuoh?"
I blink, I'm pretty sure I told Sona that. I guess I don't mind answering it again though, "Well, mostly because your siblings are here." Both of their gazes sharpen at that, though they don't seem surprised, "Their presence has basically declared this entire town a no hostilities zone. Nobody's going to attack or pick fights here because of the risk of you two dropping out of the sky on them." Given what I know about what's coming I have to try and keep a slight grimace at what I just said off my face, but from the slight frown that Leviathan acquires I haven't quite succeeded, "I'm just trying to borrow some of that protection. It's been pointed out to me recently that I may not have been as subtle as I thought I'd been. So finding a place to lay low for a year or two seems like the right move."
All true, if almost criminally incomplete.
"Why do I get the feeling you don't entirely believe that Rhostana-san?" Leviathan asks shrewdly.
I sigh and scrub my face with both of my hands before looking back at my two 'guests', "First call me Ericka please. I was born and raised in America, and the referring to people by their last names thing... just sounds weird to me." And this conversation is stressful enough without hearing the sort of subtle aggressive insult that calling somebody by their last name is in American culture. "Second, as much as I do believe that most troublemakers would never dare to do anything so obviously suicidal as start something where your sisters live... By the same token there is going to be a certain category of crazy that will come here for exactly that reason. And those are going to be the really dangerous ones for all sorts of reasons." I shrug, "They should be infrequent though and helping with them is more than worth the safety I'll get the rest of the time."
Lucifer studies me with an unnerving intensity for a moment before seeming to find what he's after and sits back into the couch satisfied.
As soon as he indicates he's satisfied Leviathan sits forward and pins me with an uncomfortably intense look. Apparently they're taking turns.
After studying me for what has to be several of the longest moments of my life, Leviathan turns the dial up a tick higher, "What are your intentions for my So-tan!" She demands.
What?
"I... I don't..." What?
"Which part confused you?" Leviathan asks with deceptive mildness.
"I understood all the words you used, but the order in which they appeared has me completely baffled." I finally manage to get out. What the hell is going on here? I'm still confused by these two showing up at all, but the Leviathan's line of questioning is just... what?
"It's simple enough." Leviathan continues in that dangerously mild tone, "What sort of relationship do you see yourself having with my So-tan going forward?"
"Umm..." Why does this feel like meeting a girl's father for the first time? What the hell does she think is going on? And how did she arrive at that conclusion? "I'm hoping she'll be my primary contact when dealing with the local devils?" I finally answer, not really sure what else the terrifying walking ice age sitting on my couch could possibly want from me.
Said human shaped ice age narrows her eyes at me for a moment, then sits back with a happy bounce. Her attitude changes back to the happy go lucky girl that had greeted me with a thorough hugging so fast I feel like I have whiplash.
As I more than half expected though, Lucifer sits forward again immediately, "Why not work with Rias?"
Oh god, just toss the land mine right under my feet why don't you?
After staring at the man for a moment I decide to just answer, and hope he doesn't erase me from existence, "Honestly, Sona has most of her peerage and doesn't have the pressure to finish it that Rias does. I don't want to be hassled constantly about being reincarnated as a devil. I'm not interested, I'll never be interested. Constant asking will just leave everybody involved frustrated and pissed off."
Lucifer frowns slightly, clearly that's not the answer he'd been expecting, "It's becoming a devil you object to?"
"Yup."
"Why? If its religious concerns...?" I don't interrupt him, but I start shaking my head causing him to trail off.
"It has nothing to do with religion. Really it's not devil's as a species I have an issue with either. Some individuals certainly, but that's true of any species." I tell them channeling every bit of etiquette I've absorbed from Cait to keep my words and tone polite no matter what I'm actually saying, "It's not being a devil I have an issue with, it's becoming one. I'm a little too attached to my free will for that."
Both of them look at me a little shocked. Finally Leviathan speaks up, "There are no coercive elements included in the Evil Pieces."
"You're good. I can't tell if you're lying to me, been lied to, or actually don't know." Both of them look more than a little affronted. What my mouth said catches up with my brain, and I try to suppress a flinch, "Sorry. I should have said that better." Or not at all, "But really, if nothing else, the threat of being labeled a stray devil is constantly hanging over the head of anybody with an Evil Piece in them. That's coercive by itself." Both of them look like they'd like to argue with me but are having trouble coming up with a way to do so, "In any case, it hardly matters. You'll never convince me that there's not a mind control element included in the Pieces. So I'll never be reincarnated."
"Even if the alternative is death?" Leviathan asks gently, somehow managing to eliminate any hint of threat that could have been attached to her words.
I snort, "Give me liberty, or give me death." I quote back to them. They aren't my words, but summed up my feelings on the matter better than anything else I could have said.
Leviathan nods and settles back into the couch. Lucifer looks at me like he can't quite believe that I'm real. After a few moments though he shakes himself, "Right, well since you have no intention of joining a peerage you might be able to help me with something else. I hear you have a business performing magical service to the bottom rung of the supernatural ladder. Is limiting your clientele to them deliberate? Or would you be open to other clients?"
I blink several times, that question can't be leading where it sounds like. "Um... I've never been approached by any higher order supernatural. I have nothing against it, though if you're implying you would have a job for me, I'm struggling to figure out what I can do that you can't?"
Lucifer nods glancing around the room, "The wards here are your work?" I nod again, now completely lost, "It's the same language that appears in our circles when we devil's use magic, isn't it?"
Seemingly just to pump the surreality of the situation up higher, Leviathan stands up from the couch and moves behind my chair humming a pleasant tune to herself. I turn to look at her but she just gestures to keep my attention on Lucifer. After a moment I turn forward again, only to feel her pull my hair back and start a truly intricate braid.
Why is the Leviathan braiding my hair?
At this point my brain just gives up and I decide to ignore the hallucinations, and hope they'd go away on their own. Just why? "Uh... yeah. I'm sure it's called a lot of different things, I've always called it World Script though. Why?"
"I'd like to hire you for a job. Not your usual sort from what we've heard, but I hope within your capabilities." Lucifer looks very serious as he sits forward, leaning his elbows on his knees and lacing his fingers together, "Sona told us that you know of the details surrounding my little Rias' impending wedding." I can't do much more than nod, and that earns me a displeased noise from the woman playing with my hair, "Then you also know something about Riser Phenex?"
"Only enough to know that I'm happy I've never had the opportunity to learn more." Leviathan continues to hum softly and work on her braiding, I think she's humming some anime's theme song. I seem to recall hearing it at one point while Mia was channel surfing.
The devil in front of me, not to be confused with the one playing with my hair, nods, "Probably accurate. I never approved of the match, but my parents never consulted me about it. In the normal course things I'd arrange an accident of some sort to solve the problem." Just in case I needed to be reminded that this guy isn't just a devil, but the Devil. He heaves a sigh, "But Rias insisted that she be allowed to handle it on her own." And given that your little sister has you wrapped around her little finger, you can't bring yourself to do it behind her back, "It's going to come down to a rating game eventually the way things are going, if she loses... Well at that point I'll step in regardless of what she wants. What I want to talk to you about is if she wins."
My brain is short circuiting, I absolutely can not keep up with the discussion. Leviathan adjusting my head every so often so that she can continue to work on my hair only makes it harder to figure out what's actually going on, "You're concerned about... if Rias... Wins?"
Lucifer nods, "You haven't met him as you said, so let me say that my read on Riser says that he has never really been told 'no' before and had it stick, and he'll be a very poor loser. I wouldn't put it past him to try something if he thought he could get away with it. Given that I can't be here all the time,"
"Not for a lack of trying." Leviathan mutters softly enough that I'm pretty sure that even I'm not supposed to be able to hear it. Oddly the way she says it sounded more longing than reproachful.
"It's entirely possible that he could." Lucifer continues having not heard his companion's comment, "Oh, he couldn't hide from me, and I'd make his suffering the stuff of legends, but that wouldn't change what happened to Rias."
"So if she wins you want me to play bodyguard?" Well that isn't going to happen. By that time Issei would be one of them, and hanging around a king means hanging around with their peerage. Now how do I tell the scary devil 'no' without getting...
"No." Or not. Lucifer shakes his head slowly, almost seeming to hesitate. After a moment though he keeps going, "If Riser Phenex shows up sniffing around my sister after she's won free of him, I want you to kill him."
Oh. He wanted me to murder Riser Phenex.
He wants to hire me, to assassinate somebody.
On one hand that's... not something I've ever done before.
On the other hand, a Phenex, that would satisfy the 'better regeneration' bit on my List.
Satisfy it really, really well. They've honestly got some of the best regeneration I've ever heard of.
I can also charge for my services. This is Lucifer, what can't he get for me? The underworld has to keep track of where the holy swords are, just in the interest of self preservation. If he doesn't know where the missing Excalibur shard is off the top of his head, I bet it won't be too hard for him to figure it out.
That is... A lot to gain.
And it's not like Riser isn't an acceptable target. They guy's a womanizing misogynist, hates humans as creatures below him that are only useful for his own amusement. And his peerage... well he's the reason in the show that I began to suspect that there's a mind control component to the Evil pieces. The amount of abuse there is just... disgusting.
Given all of that, there's really only one answer I can give, "No."
Lucifer looks vaguely like somebody had just slapped him with a fish. It would be hilarious if I'm not sort of worried that I'm about to get smote. Leviathan giggling behind me gives me some hope of escaping the situation though.
After several moments the red headed devil seemed to re-collect himself, "Why not?"
Of all the things I expected, having the god damned Devil whine at me is not one of them, "Um..." All I can do for a moment is stare, before a sharp tug on a lock of hair that Leviathan is doing something with knocks me out of my fugue. A moment of blinking, and I regain as much equilibrium as I've ever had in this conversation and shrug, "I'm not an assassin."
"But... Please?" And now Lucifer is pouting at me.
This is my life now.
"Look I'm not going to kill a guy just for showing up." I rub my face and pinched the bridge of my nose, eyes closed as I try to think through the overwhelming confusion and thick fog of WTF that hangs over everything, "I'll tell you what I am willing to do though. I'll keep an eye out for him. If he shows up in town after this rating game I'll confront him, and ask him what the hell he thinks he's doing. After that the engagement should be broken, so he'd have no business in Rias' territory without permission, right?" Lucifer nods looking thoughtful. "If he's trying to do something to Rias I'll stop him, or kill him as necessary then. If I can stop him, or just need to kick him out, I'll get a hold of you or whoever you want to come and collect him. But confronting him is the most I'm willing to give a blanket promise for... with a few conditions."
Lucifer narrows his eyes at me, "What conditions?"
"Well... If you want me to guarantee that he can't sneak past me, I'll need a piece of him, ideally. Really any Phenex will do, but a piece of him would be best." Lucifer nods along, seeming to agree with that stipulation, "I'll also need a promise that if I do end up killing Riser, you'll keep the rest of the Phenex off of me. I don't care how it's done, but I won't survive the focused hostile attentions of one of the Seventy Two Pillars. I'm not willing to commit suicide over this, so if I can't expect to survive the job I'm not going to do it."
"Those seem like reasonable stipulations." Lucifer sighs and slumped in relief.
"Excellent." I clap my hands, earning myself a poke in the shoulder from Leviathan and a soft admonishment to stop moving, "Then we can talk price."
Leviathan starts quietly snickering, pretty much in my ear, and Lucifer looks somewhat surprised. I wonder how long it's been since somebody, not one of the Seventy Two, has had the gall to charge him for anything.
"All right... Fair compensation is reasonable. What do you want?" Lucifer sounds a little nervous.
"I want the location of the missing Excalibur shard."
"What?" The word comes from both devils. Apparently, I've finally managed to do something that distracts Leviathan from her focus on being a hairstylist.
"The missing shard of Excalibur. The original was broken into seven pieces, the Church has five, one is in the hands of the Pendragon family, one is missing. Nobody seems to know what happened to it. But I bet that you guys keep very close track of where all the holy swords are at any given point in time. Just so you don't trip over one by accident, if nothing else."
Leviathan either finishes with my hair, or decides that she actually has to be part of the conversation again, and moves from behind me to retake a seat on my couch. I carefully run a hand over my hair to try and figure out what she's done with it. The copious, and intricate, braids are too complicated for me to figure out what they look like with only my sense of touch. I can tell they're either spectacular, or completely ridiculous, just from the number of them.
"Why would you want to know where the missing shard of Excalibur is?" Lucifer asks slowly.
"I'm tempted to say that it's none of your business," A very subtle crease appears between Leviathan's eyebrows, Lucifer generates an actual frown though, "but I can understand why you might be nervous about a holy sword being around your siblings, it won't be. I need it to pay off a debt."
"Both of them relaxed slightly, Lucifer though seemed to need additional confirmation, "So the shard won't be kept here."
I snort, "I don't want the thing, they attract way too much attention. Unless it is already, it'll probably never even be in Japan."
"All right. I don't know where it is right off the top of my head..." Lucifer trails off for a moment glancing at Leviathan, who shakes her head, before continuing, "But the Gremory library usually either has the information you're looking for or a way to find it. I'll send the information along with the Phenex bits as soon as I've got everything." Left unsaid is that he's Lucifer, and if I screw him after accepting payment my suffering would be legendary.
I just nod in agreement. At least the meeting should be over now. I need another shower, a soak, and to sleep for a week.
Lucifer sits back and Leviathan leans forward, apparently taking another turn.
Well goddamn!
Never mind!
Apparently this day is never going to end!
Leviathan bounces excitedly several times, before hopping over the low table in front of the couch and sitting on it, taking both of my hands in hers. She looks deep into my eyes, and I find myself unable to look away.
Umm...
"I, Serafall Leviathan, want you, Ericka Rhostana, to..." She takes a deep breath, and I begin to panic slightly, "guest star on my TV show!"
What.
No really, just what?
"I have a Magical Girl TV show that I and my peerage film down in Lilith," She thrusts a flyer at me which has a picture of Leviathan taking up most of it, dressed as she is now, only the dress and wand are pink, and she's got a pink hat with wings on it. Surrounding her are various other people dressed in appropriate costumes, probably the rest of her peerage and the extended cast of the show, "And having a real magical girl on the show for a few episodes would be great!" She squeals.
I glance up at Lucifer trying to project the question, 'is she always like this?' with my eyes. His nod doesn't fill me with hope.
"I don't think I'm really..." I start only to be cut off.
"Oh, sure you are! You're one of those dark and edgy modern magical girls, but you totally are! We can even use that! Have you set up as a cynical older magical girl who starts out as an antagonist and becomes a friend and ally as you learn to hope again!" Leviathan clutches her hands together under her chin without letting go of mine, keeping my hands trapped between hers as she swoons.
I have no clue what's going on any more, Lucifer is laughing at me, and Leviathan keeps waxing poetic about potential storylines.
The entire situation is completely ludicrous.
... Is it weird that I'm kind of tempted to go for it?
###
The meeting doesn't last too much longer. I promise that I'll think about taking a guest spot on Leviathan's TV show, and take phone numbers from both of them. Lucifer's so that I can call him to collect Riser should it be necessary, Leviathan's so I can confirm when I want to do filming.
Her words.
Strangely, I don't get my hackles up at her assuming my agreement, instead it just feels like more of her never ending cheerful optimism. I get another hug from her as they leave, fortunately Lucifer is content with a mutual acknowledging nod. I walk them to the door, and I'm more than ready for the day to be over.
"Rias-chan!"
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Even in my own head, my voice sounds whiny.
Approaching the edge of my wards are the last three people I want to see. Rias Gremory, the voluptuous redhead that had been one half of my guide to the Student Council room, Yuuto Kiba the devil boy who's ass I kicked earlier today, and who appears to have already mostly healed from the mild beating, and...
Okay, I only really object to two of them. The third, a white haired girl who looks maybe eleven, twelve years old at the most. Though if this is who I think it is she's closer to fourteen, she should be starting as a freshman next year. She's always been depicted as a very... reserved girl from what I can recall from the anime, but the sort of blank emotionlessness I'm seeing is something very different.
Upon seeing his sister, Lucifer abandons any sort of decorum and squeals like a little girl seeing a puppy. He darts down my front steps, and snatchs the younger redhead up in his arms, squeezing her tightly. He babbles something that I'm very glad I can't hear continuously as he swings his sister back and forth twisting in place, and rubbing his cheek against her hair.
I glance sideways at where the Leviathan still stands and find her pouting, "Now I want my So-tan!" She whines, "I'm going to go get some So-tan time. Sirzechs I'll catch up with you later. Bye Magical Girl Murder-chan!" With that she flounces off down the street.
I wait until she's out of sight, then pull out my cell phone and send Sona a text that her sister is in town and headed her way. After a moment I add a polite request to not let Leviathan know that I'm the one who warned her.
Returning my attention to the drama happening on the sidewalk in front of my house, I find that nothing has really changed. Lucifer is still treating his sister like a plushy, Kiba is bowing and looking more than a little uncomfortable, which is fair, this is his ultimate boss after all. The white-haired girl simply watched the events happening in front of her with an indifference that she demonstrates by popping a hard candy into her mouth.
Then her eyes sweep in my direction. As soon as she has her eyes on me she freezes, her eyes locking on to me for a long moment before moving on.
"Brother!" Rias finally gets enough air around her brother's hug to get his attention through his stream of consciousness litany of joy at her presence.
"Yes Ri-chan?" He asked, pulling back enough to see her face, "Do you need something? Can I get it for you? Are you thirsty? Hungry? Hurt? Onii-chan," Why doesn't that translate? I know what it means but why don't I hear it in english? "will take care of you!"
"I need you to put me down. I have a meeting with Er-Rhostana-ch-san!" That's news to me. On the other hand I can't really tell her to fuck off and come back later. Not with her extremely over protective, and apparently slightly insane, older brother right there, "What are you doing here big brother?" Rias' voice turns suspicious, and slightly accusatory.
"Ah ha ha..." Lucifer lets go of his sister, and forces a very fake sounding laugh, "Oh, nothing for you to worry about!" I can smell him starting to sweat, "Just checking up on things, look at that I've got to goseeyoulaterRi-chan!" I briefly catch a glimpse of a circle under his feet, and then with a flash of light he vanishes.
That's the fastest teleport I've ever seen.
I look back at the slightly flustered group of teens still standing on the sidewalk, and raise an eyebrow, "We have a meeting?" I drawl.
"Oh." Rias says, pausing at my front steps. She has the good grace to blush faintly, "My apologies E-Rhostana-san. I suppose I should have called ahead. I do have things I wish to discuss with you. Might we come in?"
I close my eyes, and pinch the bridge of my nose, sighing, "Fine. Hopefully this won't take too long."
I wave them in, and to the couch, where two of the rulers of hell had just been sitting. Once they're all seated I just stare at them and wait to hear why they've come.
After a few moments of silence, Rias shifts in her seat drawing attention to herself before she begins to speak, "I am Rias Gremory if you'll remember," I nod to show that I do, "This is Yuuto Kiba, whom I believe you met earlier today," Yes I did, though suddenly I'm doubting that meeting was actually the coincidence it'd looked like at the time, "and this is KitKonekoten." She introduces the white haired girl last, and her name does something strange when Rias says it.
"I'm sorry Gremory-san, could you repeat that? I think I misheard you."
Rias frowns prettily, "Of course, this is Koneko/kitten." That time it's easier to understand, and I nod that I followed that time. Koneko's name is both a proper name, so doesn't translate, and the word for kitten, which does. Something about that overlap disturbs me. The girl herself has an actual expression on her face, she has the tiniest of frowns and is looking around the room as though trying to find something.
The red headed devil pauses for a moment examining me. She starts to say something before closing her mouth, and I can actually see her change her mind about something on her face before continuing, "Rhostana-san, you know about the supernatural so I can skip the explanations that usually go with this, but I'd like to offer you a place in my peer..."
"No." I cut her off. I really don't want to have this conversation, and as frazzled and exhausted as I still am thanks to the last meeting, my temper is already beginning to fray.
Rias frowns, and Kiba actually looks pissed. Koneko is sniffing the air now, I'm not sure that she's actually heard any part of the conversation so far.
"Rhostana-san, I assure you, you would have nothing to worry about. I would never abuse my servants and, in Gremory tradition treat, them as family." Family you order around, has to do what you say or risk summary execution. Rias reaches into her bag and pulls out a very nice hard wood box and removes two chess pieces, a knight and a bishop, from it and sets them out.
I press my self backwards into my chair to get as far away from the little mind rape devices as I can.
"I can offer you a position as either a knight or a bish..."
"No!" My voice gains odd, faint dissonant harmonics. I don't shout, but my voice grates on at least my ears and, from the slight flinches from the devils, it isn't enjoyable for them either. Fortunately when I continue to speak the dissonance fades, "I have no desire to become a devil." I keep my voice even, but it comes out hard. My fight or flight reflex, heavily weighted for fight, is running full throttle in the presence of the Evil Pieces, "I in fact have an active desire to not become a devil. If that's all you've come for, you can put those away and leave."
Rias looks like she's about to say something, but Kiba speaks first, "How dare you speak to Rias-sama that way!" He jumps to his feet and I tense for action.
Rias is the greatest threat, but Kiba is the most immediate one. If I can get to him before he manifests a sword I can throw him into Rias stalling both of them. Mia should hear the commotion, and she can hold them off long enough for me to get to Sclamhaire from my room.
I'm never letting her out of arm's reach again.
Koneko, seeming entirely unaware of the tension, locks her eyes on me. Without acknowledging the impending violence the little white haired girl stands, and calmly walks around the table. Everything stops as she, without pausing, climbs into my lap and curls up there.
All I can do is stare at her, as two large white furred ears pop out of her head and she begins to purr loudly. She wraps her arms around my ribs holding on hard, hiding her head in my chest.
She whimpers, barely audible, and I feel tears fall on the skin of my chest.
At this point I can't do anything but wrap my arms around the crying, purring girl, and look up at the devils utterly baffled.