Blake was screaming. Of what, who knows. Maybe it was the giant bird we were riding. Or that we were hundreds of feet above the ground. Maybe she didn't like moving faster than a Bullhead. Regardless, she did not agree with something on Nevermore Airlines.

"Blake! We are nearing the cliffs!"

"Whaaaaaaat!!???"

She couldn't hear me. Oh well. As the cliffs neared us, I hoped she would get the idea and jump. We would arrive in another… twenty seconds I'll say.

Ten seconds later, the bird pecked at Blake, and she fell off. Ten seconds away might not seem like much, but consider this damn thing is going faster than most aircraft's top speed and we got an issue.

Not a second later, I jumped after her. There wasn't much to slow me down, so I kinda hoped Blake had a landing strategy. Otherwise… let's not think about that.

Fortune smiled upon me, if fortune was named Weiss. Apparently she has an eye for cute girls with red washed hair, because she noticed us on the demon bird and prepared our descent. It's definitely not Blake, because the supposedly Faunus girl blended so well into the feathers, I lost track of her once… maybe twice...

An ice ramp with a bearable angle to the ground met my feet, and for a moment I acted like Frozone. I didn't have nearly as good of a balance as Blake has, because she made it to the bottom no issues. I used my semblance to get back on four times. Four times if I had any other super power, I would have died.

I made it to the ground. The moment my feet hit the grass, I fell forward. Almost. I managed to turn it into a cartwheel at the last moment. This seemed to piss off Weiss.

"I hope you know that was the LAST of my Dust that I used on you idiots!"

"Stolen dust, might I add"

"Belladonna hush. I will be taking from your stash shortly. Please make sure we don't have a mix up like last time"

"Fat chance of that after Yang fucked up my last book"

Yang, who I should probably mention was Weiss's partner, did not look the slightest bit remorseful, but did seem slightly confused.

"I feel like there's a story here. Anybody care to explain?"

"I feel like you already know and you just wanna embarrass me" Blake said in a mock tone.

"Sheesh. What's her problem?"

"I'm not sure Yang. It's probably all the filthy, juicy, lusty, romantic entertainment she used to carry with her"

Yang's eyes turned red as she glared at Blake.

"You seem kinda alright, but if you show any of that to my sister, you die. And I know a guy who's a necrophiliac"

I wretched. "Do we need to know that Yang? How do you know that? And you do know that after spending enough time on the net, you'll find enough porn to make Blake's stash look like a mouse-"

"-riding an elephant-"

"Next to an elephant, Weiss"

"Same difference to Blake"

"Both of you shut it"

I ignored Blake's request

"But for real Yang, answer the questions!"

She smirked. The kind that told the room that she was about to say something dumb.

"Yes"

"Ugh, I've had it with you! I hope that Nevermore comes back and skewers you!"

Sure enough, a feather came by and lodged itself into clothing. My clothing. My pajama bottoms now had a massive hole in it.

"Ha, you've activated my Trap Card! Any curse you apply to me is reflected back to you!"

Would she shut the fuck up? Sheesh.

I tore my pants. They were beyond repair anyway. Now to figure out how to kill big ass bird who was trying to skewer me.

"Take cover ass hats!" Someone yelled. Fortunately, a perfectly good ruin was nearby, built inside the Chasm between us and the cliffs. Now to get there.

We sprinted. Or rather the plebeians sprinted. I just kinda poofed over there and blinded everyone with rose petals. I had no Ranged options, no good defensive options, and no read on aura. Looking good.

Weiss had no combative dust, Yang's gauntlets were not outfitted for .50 cal rounds no matter how much I asked her to. She might have had slugs though, which could work as well. But, knowing her, she keeps exclusively Burn dust pellets. Why? Who knows. Fire might be her motif or something I don't know. Blake had… a ribbon I guess. The pistol in her sword seemed more for something semblance related considering there were no sights on it. Brilliant

So, no good ranged options, time for plan B: Direct assault.

"Weiss, do you still have wind dust?"

"That's the one dust I have. Mighty help considering the thing we'd be using it on can blow it away"

"Not if it sticks their sword in the bird"

"... You're not saying…"

"Of course I'm not sane! They don't call me insane for no reason. Now, send me to Mr. Black Bird here"

"...okay. Goodluckhavefunbyebitch!"

And off I go… into the wild blue yonder, soaring high, into the sun. Too bad the sun is blocked out by an oversized pigeon.

As I neared it, I used my semblance to zoom on its face. Sword drawn, I stick it right into its eye. One for four I should mention.

It flailed; I used my super secret technique that I will not go over how I mastered: holding onto a sword handle while the thing I stuck it into is flailing. I guess you could say, it's the elephant in the room. Yang would give me a strawberry for that joke, I just know it.

I managed to wrap my legs around its head. I ripped out the sword, and dug it into the other eye. Rinse and repeat for the last two. On the last removal, I then jammed my sword into the back of the now blind bird's skull, right behind the mask. I tested my makeshift steering throttle. Sure enough it works. It even has the inverted Y like a lot of flying games do.

I gotta take my new whip for a test ride.

New location: the fucking ground.

"Good morning, this is your captain speaking. It appears that flight one of Nevermore Airlines is going for a rough landing. Please fasten your seat belts and put up your food trays because things are about to get funk-"

Sure it got funky. If you call crashing a big bird into the ground funky. I pulled my sword out of its brain and jumped off. One petal burst later, and I'm safely next to Weiss, Blake, and blond monstrosity.

" You do know I am the one conducting this interview right? If you keep acting up you're reading the script"

Fine. Whatever. Blake and I were about to take our old and decrepit ruin bridge to the cliffs when we noticed everyone's favorite insect: Jaune. Or rather, Jaune and some familiar looking redhead with blazing red hair being chased by everyone's favorite insect: Jaune. Just kidding, it's a Deathstalker.

"Oh thank God. I thought we had it with those tiny Deathstalkers, but then Mama came out to play"

"Uh, Pyrrha?" Jaune interrupted, "You do know that Deathstalkers have no known reproduction? The tiny ones just gather near the big ones. And besides, that one is clearly not a 'mama'"

It is true. The thing had a very large… extremity. One of Blake's novels probably featured some story with one of these bugs in it. Come to think of it, why the hell do these things have body parts like that? They don't reproduce. Plus they are arthropods, and they don't, sorry shouldn't have parts shaped so… human. It's uncanny.

"How do we kill it?"

Listen to this carefully. This was Yang's legitimate plan. I cannot make this up.

"Yo, guys. We could, like… group up… and hit it till it DIES!"

" I warned you Ruby. Read off the script now or I'm eating these strawberries in front of you"

Fine. The… glorious blond, in all of her intellect, proposed we used it's… member… do I need to be so crass? " Yes" Ugh… used it's member to disable it through sheer lustful energy. The secret, bow bidden maiden volunteered as tribute, and dashed under the beast. She poked at the formation; it began to leak a noxious, black and sticky fluid from the tip. Out of sheer surprise, she sliced the whole thing off. The great animal flailed as all of its black ichor leaked from it's now missing plug. It drained, and the pressure simply disappeared from the being. It's legs drew inward, nearly catching the girl as she leapt from it's clutches. It too dissolved like the great sky warrior before, from dust it came and to dust it shall return.

The Queen of Grimm respectfully reminds the audience, and through her magicks, not the people conducting this farce interview, that Grimm come from tar and return to ashes. It is through the fire of battle they are reborn.

And the Wizard in the same way as the Witch reminds the same audience in the same way that the Queen of Grimm is supposed to crush her enemies, not be philosophical.

You are always turning people against me, Dear.

Don't call me that. Our relationship was a joke and could hardly be considered anything beyond friends. I have found true love.

And tell me, how many children have you had with true love? I can guarantee you that blonde witch you speak of fucks Taiyang on the weekly.

The narrator interrupts this message to announce he had his position returned after much bargaining on Ruby's part. He also feels obligated to tell you he was found in Yang's locker, and that Ruby promised him a raise if he told the truth about a few topics. Yang did edit much of the final interview, even if it was off script. Ruby claims she wouldn't swear nearly as much. The scorpion was not jerked off to death, it died of blood loss after Blake had the idea of chopping off a suspiciously shaped blood clot. That's what we're going with, right Ruby? I can tell the truth? Oh right. We are supposed to tell the truth. Blake chopped it's cock off and it died. The narrator also sees this opportunity as fit to mention teams.

Team CRDL, or curdled milk, commonly referred to as team Blue (Cheese) by the school population, is Russle Thrush, Dove Bronzewing, and Sky Lark, lead by Cardin Winchester.

Team APLN, or Appalachian (Ozpin used his wizardly knowledge to reach into another universe to pull this one out of his ass. Apparently he couldn't come up with a better name.) is made of Jaune Arc, Pyrrha Nikos, Lie Ren, and Nora Valkyrie. Led by Jaune Arc. Everyone was confused about the color situation until Ozpin described Appalachian as a snowy white. The narrator believes that Ozpin could be troubled to pick better names for teams, like maybe Juniper with JNPR, but that's just a totally wild thought.

Lastly, we have Team BRYW, or Bright. Composed of Blake Belladonna, Ruby Rose, Yang Xiao Long, and Weiss. Led by Weiss. She got a scroll call from her father, congratulating her on not being useless. She said 'mhmm' and nodded until he hung up.

Everyone had a decent night of sleep without weird back contortions owed to reality defying brunettes with red washed hair.

A/n Legend has it the Witch and the Wizard are still squabbling, and sending children's unsuspecting mothers to their deaths. This one was fun to make. It will also be the only update until March. And I know Pyrrha didn't get much characterization in there, which is great because I decided on a wholly different character idea for her. Remember that one philosophical line about destiny? She's going to be the Catholic advocate. Like what's her face from the Ghost Stories dub. Oh boy, time to release my inner God and anime side.

Concluding comment poll for those who care, who would like to see Yang's script as a bonus chapter? I'm definitely not stalling trying to write Qrow and it's definitely not melting my brain.

That's all folks. See you in March then.