Monday morning saw Emma and Killian offering a final tearful goodbye to their friends in Storybrooke, ahead of their journey to Boston. As Emma was still so tender from her injuries, Doctor Whale and Doctor Smith had arranged for her to make the trip via an air ambulance. Killian would be going with her because the thought of four hours without Emma by his side didn't settle well with him. Which left his mother with a long drive to Boston alone, as she transported everything they would need while they were in the city.
Sinéad knew that she'd never arrive in time to help Killian settle Emma into her new room, as their flight would take less than half the time of her drive. Which was why she'd gone ahead and made plans of her own for the day. After spending hours researching crematoriums close to the city and the facilities they had to offer, she'd finally arranged for her youngest grandchild to be cremated that afternoon. While there wouldn't be a ceremony for the little angel, Sinéad hadn't been keen on the idea of going ahead with the cremation without some kind of family present. So she had made the added drive to say a final goodbye to the grandchild she'd never have the privilege of knowing, while Emma and Killian adjusted to their new surroundings.
The director of the crematorium was more than happy to stand with her as she said a small prayer over the casket she'd helped her son to pick for his child. It was terrifyingly small, and her heart ached for the little life that had been lost as she pressed a kiss to her fingertips, before touching them to the lid.
"Would you like to sit in our ceremony room while the cremation takes place?" the director asked, beckoning over one of his assistants to escort the tiny coffin on its final journey.
"No… I'll uh… I'll just wait here," she told him, brushing away the tears that had already fallen. "Thank you so much for all of your help."
"Of course, Mrs. Jones. We're all so very sorry for your loss."
Sinéad offered him a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes before she turned to find one of the chairs along the back wall of the waiting room. She wasn't sure how much time passed while she waited for the cremation to end, but in what felt like only a handful of minutes, the director was once again stood in front of her.
"We're all done here for today, Mrs. Jones. I'll arrange for your grandchild's ashes to be delivered to you before the end of the week."
"Thank you, Mr. Adams. You've been a great help."
The man nodded his head once quite solemnly, knowing that saying anything else would be inappropriate for the occasion. Instead, he reached out to pull the door open for Mrs. Jones to leave through, before softly closing it behind her.
Saying goodbye to a child was never easy, but losing one so young and already so loved stung him more than he thought it would. It was the part of his job he hated the most, and one that was becoming far too common of an occurrence in his opinion.
Peter Adams would be sure to hug his children a little tighter that evening when he made it home from work.
"How's that?" Killian asked, as he continued fiddling with the pillows behind Emma's head.
The journey to Boston hadn't been an easy one for her. Any slight jolt or knock to the bed had been felt quite painfully. And although she'd tried hard to handle it herself, eventually, Emma had given in and agreed to the pain medication one of the EMTs had been offering to her.
"It's fine," she mumbled, because although his intentions were pure, the more he fiddled with the damned thing the more uncomfortable it became. "Just… just come and sit with me? Please?"
Killian stopped what he was doing immediately to come around and sit by her side. It had been a long and emotional morning, and he needed her comfort just as much as she seemed to need his.
When Emma reached out to take his hand into hers, her eyes caught on the frame around her waist and lingered there. She'd never really been able to see just how bad her injuries had been before, and a small part of her hadn't wanted to. It was childish, really. But if she couldn't see how broken she looked, she could at least pretend that things weren't all that bad. Now that her ribs were beginning to heal properly, the nurses had helped to arrange her in a slightly elevated position when she'd arrived in Boston, and avoiding the frame around her hips was impossible.
"Hey! It's okay," Killian soothed. "It's helping you recover and before you know it, it'll be gone."
"It's ugly," she stated, because it really was. Emma knew that it was shallow to be worried about how she looked after everything she'd been through. But she was struggling to put into words all that she'd been feeling since she'd woken up. And focusing on something shallow like the frame around her waist and the scars it would leave on her body, felt easier than confronting the damage she couldn't see.
"I don't really notice it now," Killian told her honestly. "I'm not gonna lie to you, Emma. When I first saw it - I hated it. Not because it's ugly, but because it was such a harsh reminder of what had happened to you."
He shifted forward a little on the bed, getting as close to Emma as he dared so that he could reach out and run his fingertips gently down the side of her face. "But now… now I barely even notice it. Because seeing those beautiful eyes of yours - open and so full of life - reminds me that you survived, Emma. That you're alive and you're still here with me. And that's all that really matters."
He leaned in to press his lips lightly to hers before pulling back to get a good look at her once again. "Besides, you're stunning, Sweetheart. You manage to make hospital gowns look beautiful."
Emma snorted out a laugh at his cheesy line and cringed a little at how it pulled on her injuries. "I see this whole experience hasn't made you any better at the pickup line thing."
"I've already got my girl. I don't need to work on improving those."
"Thank God for that pretty accent of yours. It distracts us from the cheesiness you're actually saying."
Emma's laugh at her own words was one of the most genuine Killian had heard all month, so naturally, it was one of the highlights of his year.
While Emma spent the week settling into her new hospital room and getting to know her new care team, Killian and Sinéad collected the keys to the small home he'd rented, and then set to work on making the house comfortable and homey for when Emma was eventually released. They both knew that as soon as she was back on her feet, she'd be able to come home. And they wanted to make sure that it was a welcoming home she came back to, even if it was an unfamiliar one.
As Killian was spending most of his time at the hospital with Emma, Sinéad took it upon herself to give the house a thorough and deep clean before she began shopping for groceries and furniture. She took special care when buying a bed and sofa, checking with manufacturers and retailers to see what would be the easiest and most comfortable for Emma to use, given the extent of her injuries. Her son had told her that money wasn't an issue, and Sinéad was pretty sure that she'd given his credit card a decent workout.
On Thursday afternoon, just as she was preparing to leave the house to visit Emma, Sinéad took delivery of the two packages that she'd been expecting all week. The ashes of her grandchild had been carefully and lovingly prepared by the crematorium, and she made a mental note to send them a letter of thanks before she turned her attention to the second package.
It had taken her a few more hours of Google searches to find a jeweler who specialized in turning the ashes of loved ones into precious keepsakes. While there were plenty of companies around that promised to do the job, Sinéad had wanted the best, and she was pretty sure that she'd eventually found them.
While she knew that this was a part of the process Killian could take care of when Emma was eventually discharged from the hospital, Sinéad also knew just how emotionally taxing the idea of preparing their child's ashes would be. So instead of grabbing her keys to head for the hospital, she took a moment to read through the instructions that had been sent in the package, and then began preparing her grandchild's ashes accordingly.
She dropped the finished forms and samples into the post office a little under an hour later, before finally heading for the hospital to see how her future daughter-in-law was feeling that afternoon.
"Good morning, Emma," Doctor Smith greeted, as he swept into her room just after breakfast on Friday morning. "How are you settling in?"
"I'm uh... I'm okay," she told him, because everyone had been wonderfully welcoming since she'd arrived. But Emma still craved the comfort of her own bed, with her fiancé's arms wrapped around her waist, over the stiffness of the hospital bed she was currently resting on.
The doctor nodded his head in understanding as he quickly browsed through the notes the nurses had made over the week, before setting them back down to make his way around to her side.
"Today, I wanna start taking those first steps in your recovery," he told her. "What we're gonna do is get that sling off for you and give you an ultrasound, just to see how the muscles in your shoulder are healing. I don't want to make too many plans until we've seen that scan, but I want to get a physical therapist in here as soon as we can so that we can work on getting you up and out of that bed."
Emma nodded to show that she'd heard the doctor and turned her head briefly to meet Killian's eyes.
"What uh… what do we do if the damage is greater than you expected?" she whispered. It was one of her biggest concerns for her future. Emma knew that she had come close to death already, and she'd lost her child thanks to what had happened. But she wasn't sure how she'd cope if she was told that after all of that, she'd also lost her ability to move her right arm and both of her legs.
"Then we work on recovering what mobility we can get," Doctor Smith assured her. "It sounds awful, and I know that. But medical science has come a long way, Emma. We know more about how the body works than we ever have before. And we can use that knowledge to tailor a recovery plan to your exact needs. However, before we do that, we need to see what this scan shows us. I don't want to push your recovery if you're not physically ready for it. Okay?"
"Okay," she agreed, squeezing down on Killian's hand hard. It hadn't been what she'd wanted to hear, but Doctor Smith certainly sounded more hopeful about her recovery than she'd been expecting. So she tried to take some small measure of comfort in that.
"I'll give you a few more minutes to rest and get this scan booked in for you. Then I'll come back and take off that sling so I can check the stitches before we do anything else."
"Thank you, Doctor Smith," Killian offered, as the other man gave them both one final chance to ask any questions before he turned to leave the room.
When the door swung shut behind the doctor and everything was silent once more, Killian moved from his seat next to Emma's bed back to that spot just beside her hip, as he reached for the hand that was resting across her chest.
"It'll be nice to be able to hold both of your hands properly again," he chuckled. "I've missed that."
Emma gave him a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes, and Killian's face fell a little at the sight of it. He hated that she felt the need to put on a brave face for him. She'd been through more than enough, and the last thing he wanted her to do was to hide how she really felt around him.
"What's wrong?" he prodded.
"What if it's bad, Killian? What if that scan shows that I can never really move my arm again? What do I do then?"
"Hey! We don't know that it's gonna come to that. For all we know, Doctor Whale did an amazing job and you'll regain full use of that arm completely."
"But what if - "
"No what-ifs," he told her firmly. "We'll deal with whatever happens when it comes. I know the idea of being left without the use of your arm or your legs is terrifying to you, Emma. I really do. But we'll find a way around that if it comes to it. You're such a strong and capable woman. And I love you with every fiber of my being. So I know that between the two of us, we'll find a way to make whatever happens work for us."
"You deserve better," she finally confessed, turning her head away so that she wouldn't have to see that look in his eyes that she knew was coming.
"That's what this is all about? You think just because some fucker tried to kill you, you suddenly mean less as a person? Or that I won't want you? That's ridiculous, Emma. All of this has only shown me just how much I love you. How much I need you in my life. I'm not gonna push you aside just because you might not be able to walk properly again or reach the top shelf of a cupboard. I can do that stuff for you. I just need you to be healthy, Emma. To live. And… and to want me as much as I want you."
When Emma rolled her head back around to face his, Killian wasn't surprised to find tear tracks streaking down her face. But he still hated seeing them there. He hated seeing her suffer, even if it was because of his words.
"I want you," she assured him. It was the only thing in Emma's life that she was certain of right then. She wanted Killian more than she'd ever wanted anyone or anything before. "I just… I don't want you to end up resenting me when I hold you back. Because I will, Killian. I already am!"
"You're not!" He reached out to gently tilt her face up so that her eyes would meet his as he told her, "I'm right where I'm supposed to be, Emma. I'm by your side. And that's all that matters. I love you, Sweetheart. And that's not gonna change no matter what a bunch of x-rays or scans ends up showing us."
"I love you too," she whispered, before letting Killian fold her carefully into his arms as she sobbed out her fears into his chest. She tried hard not to notice that her boyfriend was crying silently into her hair as she did. As selfish as it was, Emma wasn't sure she was ready to face his tears again.
"Hey, I'm not calling at a bad time, am I?"
"Nah. We were just about to break for lunch," Robin chuckled, as the noise in the background suddenly dulled to a complete silence, telling Killian that his friend had just shut himself away in his trailer. "How's Emma doing?"
Killian was never really sure how to answer that question. While Emma was making a slow physical recovery, he knew that there was far more to her health than just the injuries that her body had sustained. And after her small breakdown earlier that morning, he was now even more aware of just how much she was struggling with everything.
"She's uh… she's getting there," he eventually settled on, because it felt like the closest he could get to the truth without spending hours spilling his guts. "They're gonna take the sling off her arm today and get it scanned to see how much of the damage Whale was able to repair to her shoulder."
"Do they think it'll all be okay?"
"Whale didn't think she'd ever be able to recover full use of that muscle again. But we won't really know for sure until she's had this scan and the physio gets to work with her. It could just be partial damage, it could be something more."
"Damn!" Robin wasn't really sure what to say to his friend right then. Every fiber of his being was urging him to offer some kind of reassurance, but Robin knew that false hope was the last thing Killian needed from him that afternoon.
"Emma's worried that I'm gonna end up realizing she's not good enough for me, but that's completely ridiculous. I'm not gonna stop loving her just because she can't lift her arm."
"I think it's human nature to worry about that. I keep thinking about everything she's been through and wondering how I'd feel if it were Marian or me in that position. I couldn't even begin to imagine how scared she must be feeling right now. Just be patient with her, Killian. She's gonna need that reassurance until she can fully wrap her mind around what's happened."
Killian nodded his head even though Robin couldn't see it, and a somewhat comfortable silence lingered over the line for a moment before he asked, "So uh… how's everything there? Are the execs pissed with me yet?"
"Nah, Man. Everyone here would have done the same thing in your position, so nobody's harboring any bad feelings towards ya. We're using your stunt double at the moment and filming him from behind. Everyone's kinda hoping you'll be back before we wrap to film a couple of scenes, even if it has to be done in front of a green screen. But if you can't, the writers have a plan to deal with it all."
"Do I wanna know?" he chuckled.
"Probably not. Something to do with a memory wipe, I believe. Thank God this is fantasy."
The two men laughed over the line and for a moment, Killian was able to close his eyes and pretend that everything was fine. That he was simply sharing a joke with his best friend while they were on a filming hiatus. But the moment he opened his eyes again the first thing he saw was the entrance to Massachusetts General, and reality came crashing back down over him.
"I um… I have to get back inside," he told Robin. "My Mam's with Emma at the moment but I want to be with her when they take off that sling."
"Of course. Go be with your girl. And uh… tell her that we're all thinking of her here."
"I will. Thanks, Mate."
"Anytime. And you can call whenever you need to, Killian. We're all here for you too."
Killian wasn't sure he'd ever admit to his friend just how much that offer meant to him, but he was endlessly grateful that there were people in his life that he could turn to for support while Emma was recovering. He hated burdening others with his problems, especially when Emma's were so much more serious than his. But even Killian could admit that every now and then, just getting the chance to talk with his best friend helped to lighten his load a little.
"Thanks, Robin. I really appreciate that. I'll text you when we know what's happening here after Emma's scan, and let you know what the doctors have to say."
The two men disconnected the call shortly after and Killian reached over to grab the bag of subs he'd ordered for lunch, before stepping out of his new rental car and locking it behind him.
Finding Emma's room again didn't take him long. While they'd only been in the city for a little under a week, the hospital was well sign-posted and Emma had been given the best of the best, thanks to the additional payments Killian was making towards her hospital bills.
When he finally rounded the door to her room, he paused for a moment just to take in the sight that greeted him. Emma's bed was a little wider than her one at Storybrooke General had been, so his mother had been able to perch herself delicately on the edge of it. The two women had their heads bent together over the new iPad that Killian had bought to help Emma fight the boredom of a long hospital stay, and were occasionally chuckling at whatever it was they were looking at.
"You're supposed to be helping to set that up for her," he told his mother, as he made his presence known. "Not embarrassing me."
"How do you know that's what we were doing?" his mother asked, and Killian could tell from her defensive tone that he'd definitely caught her red-handed.
"Lucky guess." He set the bag of subs down on the table at Emma's side before leaning in to give her a sweet kiss. "How are you feeling, Beautiful?"
"I'm okay." It had taken a while for the pain to subside after she'd been moved, but now that she was resting once again and her medication had been reviewed and adjusted by her new care team, Emma felt as close to normal as she'd gotten since she'd first woken up. "Doctor Smith's coming back soon. So we uh… do you mind if we wait to eat?"
"Of course not." Killian dropped down into one of the free seats around her bed before he added, "It's all gonna be okay," as he reached out to take her hand into his own.
Emma nodded her head and gave his hand a firm squeeze before turning her attention back to whatever his mother had open on the tablet. "Tell me about this one?" she asked, quickly changing the subject to something she deemed safer territory.
"Oh, this one… this was when he was seven. I'd left their father in charge while I was away for work and Brennan had fallen asleep one afternoon because the idiot didn't believe in enforcing bedtime routines. This was the mess that I came home to. I was cleaning flour from lounge carpets for weeks after that."
When Doctor Smith returned, Sinéad gave Emma a warm hug and a kiss before saying her goodbyes. She didn't want to intrude on what she was sure would end up being an emotionally charged time for Emma and Killian, but she did instruct her son to message her about what had happened later that evening.
"Okay, we're gonna do this nice and slowly," Doctor Smith instructed, as Emma reached for Killian's hand once again when she felt the tension in her sling begin to loosen. "Try not to move your arm just yet. I want to check around the wound site before we do anything else."
Emma nodded her head to show that she'd heard what he'd said as she forced herself to relax back into the bed. The more anxious she became, the more tension she could feel in her muscles. And that wasn't helping with her current pain levels.
She squeezed her eyes shut as Smith gently unwrapped the fabric around her arm and began peeling back the dressing from her shoulder.
"This is looking good, Emma. Doctor Whale was worried about infection, given where you were found, but this is healing nicely."
Killian gave her hand a gentle squeeze as he reached out to brush the hair back from her face. It was another small win towards their much larger victory, and he would celebrate each and every milestone they reached.
"Okay, Emma. Can you feel where I'm touching you now?"
"Yeah."
"That's fantastic," Doctor Smith praised, before pulling off his gloves and straightening back up. "I'm gonna get the ultrasound tech in here now to see what's happening with the muscle, and if it looks as good as it feels, we'll have a go at exercising that arm for you."
Emma rolled her head around on the bed to face the doctor and nodded again to show that she'd heard him, before turning her attention back to Killian.
"It's gonna be okay," he assured her, as he watched a couple of technicians roll in a portable ultrasound scanner and begin the process of setting it up beside Emma's bed. "I love you," he whispered, leaning in to brush his lips lightly over her forehead. "I love you so much."
"I love you too," she whispered back, tightening her grip on his hand as she closed her eyes once more. It didn't stop her tears from falling though, and Killian's heart broke for the woman he loved as he watched her fight her inner demons.
"Hi, Emma. I'm Katie and I'm gonna be doing your scan for you," one of the technicians said, as she introduced herself to her patient.
Killian reached out to brush away Emma's tears for her before she rolled her head back around to face the woman who had spoken.
"Hi."
"I'll be as gentle as possible," Katie promised, her keen gaze taking in Emma's slightly reddened eyes and the tear tracks on her cheeks.
"Thank you."
There was a moment of silence while Katie adjusted the settings on the machine and Doctor Smith took up a position just behind her, before she reached for the wand and applied a little gel to the end of it.
"Okay, this might be cold, Emma, but try not to move too much for me."
Emma nodded her head in understanding as she allowed her eyes to drift shut once more just before the wand was applied to the area to the right of her injury.
Killian tried to follow what was happening on the screen as Katie gently worked her way across Emma's shoulder, avoiding making direct contact with the site of her wound but trying to get as close as possible. The technician was pointing out certain parts of the image to the doctor stood just behind her, but they were both being very careful with what they said. Killian knew that Emma had picked up on it too when her tears started falling once again.
The whole scan couldn't have lasted longer than twenty minutes from the moment the machine had been wheeled into the room, to when it was removed again, but it was long enough to drastically alter the atmosphere. As Katie said her goodbyes and wished Emma a speedy recovery, Doctor Smith slipped quietly out of the door until only Emma and Killian remained in the space.
"It's bad," she whispered into the silence. "I know it is."
"You don't," he protested firmly, even though Killian had a sinking feeling brewing in his gut.
"Then why didn't they say anything?"
"I don't know. But until we get some answers, I'm not gonna start believing the worst-case scenarios."
"You're gonna stay, right?"
"Of course I am, Emma. They'd have to drag me from this room kicking and screaming to get me out of it," Killian assured her, leaning forward to rest his forehead against her own. "I love you."
"I love you too."
He wasn't sure how long they stayed that way, waiting for someone to return with Emma's results, but when Doctor Smith finally entered the room with another unknown face, Emma looked like she'd rather sleep than hear whatever it was they had to say.
"Sorry about that, Emma. I just wanted to confer with a couple of colleagues before we came to talk to you," Doctor Smith began, as he took a seat in the chair beside her bed. "This is Luke, he's one of our best physical therapists here in Boston and he's going to be working closely with you over the next few months so that we can get you up and out of that bed."
Luke extended his hand first to Emma for her to shake and then to Killian, before folding his arms behind his back once again.
"I've spoken with some of my colleagues and we all agree that Doctor Whale did a fantastic job of repairing the damage to the muscle in your shoulder. We couldn't have done any better ourselves."
Killian felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders at the doctor's words, and he gave Emma's hand a tender squeeze before bringing it up to his lips to brush a kiss over her knuckles.
That feeling of relief left him instantly at the next word Doctor Smith spoke.
"However, the damage the bullet did was pretty significant. While Doctor Whale has been able to repair a great deal of it, we're all in agreement that it may not be possible for you to fully recover the use of the muscle there."
Emma drew in a shuddering breath as she bit down hard on her lower lip to stop it from trembling. Killian had to do the same thing to keep his own emotions in check.
"That doesn't mean that you won't ever get it back. We've been wrong before and we are always happy when one of our patients defies the odds. But we all believe it's important for you to go into the recovery process knowing what to expect."
Smith paused for a moment to give Emma a chance to absorb everything he'd said. Killian wasn't sure there would ever be enough time in the world for that to happen, but after what felt like an eternity, the doctor spoke up again.
"Losing some of the function in that muscle isn't the end of the world. I've spoken with Luke here and he's pretty confident he'll get that arm moving again for you. He'll work with you to find out what your limits are and give them a gentle push, just to see how wrong we are. So while you might not be able to straighten your arm above your head again, we're gonna do our very best to get it up as high as we can, okay?"
"Okay," Emma whispered.
"I know it's a lot to take in on top of everything else," Doctor Smith said, as he pushed himself back to his feet. "But it's not all bad news, Emma. You're making fantastic progress in your recovery given the extent of your injuries. So don't be disheartened by this."
Emma nodded her head again but she didn't seem to have the energy left inside of her to voice her feelings at that moment.
"I'm gonna leave you in Luke's very capable hands. He's gonna start working with you this afternoon to see if we can get some limited movement back in that arm. If you need anything, you know where the call button is."
"Thank you, Doctor Smith," Killian offered, because even if the guy hadn't delivered the news they'd been hoping for, every single person on Emma's care team had done the best to make sure that she recovered as fully as possible. And he couldn't thank them enough for that.
The doctor gave him a small smile and firm nod of the head before he let himself out of the room. Luke waited until everything was silent once again before he pulled around one of the chairs to better face Emma in her bed, and dropped down into it.
"Okay then, Emma. Let's see if we can get this arm moving again for you, shall we?"
Emma flicked a quick glance over to Killian before turning her eyes back to the other man in the room. It was a look that communicated exactly how she was feeling at that moment.
Emma Swan did not like the look of manic glee in her physical therapist's eyes.
Thank you for sticking with me while I struggle with these health issues. Hopefully after my next surgery, I'll be able to bounce back and get into a more regular posting routine.
As always, thanks for reading and reviewing. I appreciate every single one, even if I have been lousy at replying just recently.