Rifiuto: Non Miriena

A/N: This chapter is more filler than anything. Honeymaren's ceremony is next.

Written: 2019 - Licia

It was quiet.

The fire crackled softly before her, and she wrapped her hands around the cup, unable to get her jumbled thoughts together. The somber quiet that had taken place before, during and after the funeral was still in the air, though not as thick now that the rest of the tribe slept peacefully. Only she remained up at this late hour-

"Shh, hush little one... why can you not be like your sister and your Papa? Sleep is a good thing, I promise. When we were little, your aunt used to sleep all the time. She would sleep through her lessons and every meal if we let her."

Clearly, she was not the only one up.

The crying continued, and Honeymaren turned instinctively. She could see a figure pacing back and forth before Elsa's hut, and realized exactly who it was that was up at this late hour. After a moment, she set her cup down and got up, going over to her cousin.

"If this is what my body was preparing me for with all those constant nights of getting up at random periods thanks to my body, then I demand a refund on all the sleep I missed during my pregnancy." She held the little girl closer, wrapping her mother's shawl tighter around herself and her daughter. "Hush, little one. Please. Mama needs sleep... Papa changed you before going to bed, and it's only been a couple hours..."

"Need some help?"

Elsa stopped mid-pace, turning to see her cousin standing across from her. "Honey, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to-"

"It's okay, Elsa, I was up. Can't sleep." She reached for the little girl. "Give her to me." Elsa hesitated but a moment before laying the crying infant in her cousin's arms and following her back to the fire. "Hans' asleep?"

"He was up with them earlier; woke me up for feedings because he can't do that part," Honey chuckled. "And they seemed okay until..."

The girl continued to cry, and Honeymaren did a quick examination of her, before turning to the new mother as she took a seat beside her. The Snow Queen puffed out her cheeks. "Has she eaten?"

"She won't take my breast. I've tried, and I can't figure out why she won't. I asked Vanja, and she said that it wasn't uncommon with difficult labors, and if they were separated from you for a time. I just... I can't..." Honeymaren nodded, gently rocking the baby. "And... she's the second born... we weren't expecting her... Vanja said she was a... perfectly healthy weight... she thought... both of them were six, seven pounds when they were born..."

"That's a good size, especially for twins, especially when one was a surprise."

Elsa nodded, gaze on her daughter. "Maybe... maybe I'm just... not cut out for motherhood..." Tears glistened in Elsa's eyes, and Honeymaren turned from the baby.

"Oh, Elsa, that's not true! Not at all! You're a wonderful mother!"

"They're only four days old, Honey. We don't even have names for them, because we haven't had a chance to think, with everything that happened, and Yelena's death and the funeral, and your ascension ceremony in two days and...we still have to figure out a plan to get rid of the troll queen and-"

"Elsa, Elsa, calm down. Calm. Down." She reached out and took her cousin's hand. "We don't have to think about that now. Okay? The troll queen can wait."

"But-"

"What matters right now, is us. Us, and Ryder, and Hans, and these little babies you gave birth too. Elsa, you gave birth four days ago, you died four days ago. You don't have to have everything figured out now. Give yourself a break. You and Hans are new parents, and you're good parents. You are a good mother. Elsa, you gave your life for your babies. If that's not a mother, I don't know what is. And as for the names... you said you had two you both liked, right? Your mothers' names..."

"Iduna and Dorothea."

"Right. Now you don't have to decide. You can use them both. One for each. Though you're probably going to have to decide which one gets which." Elsa nodded, her gaze still on the baby girl in her cousin's arms.

"But why won't she nurse? What if I'm doing something wrong? What if it's my magic, what if it-"

"Have you tried expressing it?"

"What?" The question threw the young mother off guard, and Honeymaren turned back to.

"Have you tried expressing it? Your milk?"

Elsa's colored eyes sparked in confusion. "I don't... know what that means."

"Letting down your milk." Honeymaren clarified, and Elsa nodded in understanding before shaking her head. "Maybe try that? It could be hard for her to nurse because there's too much and it's overwhelming her. It does happen. Mother said Ryder was the same way."

"How would I-"

"Wriggle out of your nightgown." Elsa froze, glancing at her cousin. "Elsa, if you're worried about modesty, it's past midnight, and we're the only ones out here. Besides, no one cares. It's a natural thing, breastfeeding a baby. No one will judge or call it improper." After a moment, Elsa shrugged a shoulder out of her nightgown. "Good, now put your fingers," It took a couple minutes, but finally, Elsa got it. Eventually, Honeymaren handed the girl back to her mother. "Try feeding her now."

She watched as the baby finally latched on and saw her cousin's soft smile. "It worked."

"I think a big part of your problem, Cousin, is that you're stressed. And babies can sense stress and react to it. You being as stressed as you are, given what you've gone through in the last week... it's not good for your body, and it's messing with your body, and in turn, by messing with your body, it's inherently messing with her. She's reacting to how you're reacting, and that's not good for either of you."

Elsa pulled the shawl closer around her shoulders as she watched the baby nurse, now finally content against her mother's breast. "I'm sorry Mama's so stressed lately. I don't mean to be. There's just been a lot going on. Papa and I have been dealing with a lot... I never realized it was affecting you. Mama's so sorry."

She looked up as Honeymaren reached out and rested a hand on her shoulder, and the young Northuldra now saw just how exhausted her cousin was. Huge, dark circles were under her eyes- the same dark circles under her husband's too. Because Elsa was a fourth immortal, she healed faster than a normal woman after pregnancy, but there was still a touch of pregnancy weight about her face- though that was quickly vanishing as the days went by. Both young parents were exhausted, as was normal, but given what Elsa and Hans had gone through...

"I wish I could be a good Mama to both you and your sister, and I'm so sorry I'm not. I'm trying, Papa and I both are."

"Hey, stop that!" Elsa looked up as Honeymaren squeezed her arm. "You are a good mother, Elsa. And Hans is a good father. This is your first time being parents. Not one ever said parenthood was easy. You are allowed a breakdown on occasion. But don't you ever dare doubt that you're a good mother. Okay?" Her cousin nodded and turned back to her baby girl.

"I still can't believe they're really here. I can't believe I didn't realize she was growing inside me... what kind of woman doesn't realize she's carrying twins her entire pregnancy?" She shook her head. "So stupid."

"No, you're not. Vanja herself said that she thought this little one was hiding the entire time. And I'm sure you felt her move and just attributed it to her sister." Elsa nodded, something clicking in her brain.

A kick to her ribs, when she thought the baby had moved down.

Elsa groaned. "Of course." Upon Honeymaren's confused look, she clarified. "Vanja told me there was a way I could shift the baby into position, and I tried it, and at first, I thought she'd moved down- her sister had moved down- but then I felt a kick near my ribs and just assumed she hadn't." She turned back to the infant in her arms. "But she had, and the kick came from you, didn't it?" The baby merely stared up at her, shifting against her breast as she continued to nurse. "I'm sorry, Thea. Mama's never had a baby before, she didn't know she was carrying two. Can you forgive her?"

"Thea?"

"Dorothea. Hans' mother's name. She just... it seems like it fits her."

"And so her sister is going to be-"

"Iduna, for-"

"Aunt Iduna." Honeymaren finished, and Elsa nodded. They sat in silence for several more minutes, watching the baby before she spoke again. "Elsa? I'm... I'm scared." The Snow Queen tore her gaze away from the baby, and Honeymaren watched the light of the fire dance off the ice crystals in her eyes. "I... I'm scared of what's going to happen, the... the ceremony."

"Oh, Honey-"

"What if I'm not a good chief, Elsa? What if I can't do it? Yes, despite everything she did, Mother still had her reasons, bad or not, her intentions were still good. What if I can't live up to her legacy?"

"You're not meant to live up to her legacy, Honey." She took her cousin's hand. "You're meant to keep her memory alive, but as for her legacy? You're meant to carve your own." Honeymaren wrapped her cousin in a hug, being careful of the infant nursing at her breast. She didn't say anything, but she didn't need to.

And hour and a half later, Elsa stepped back into the hut, to find Hans up. "I'm sorry, love, I should have-"

"You took the first watch; it was my turn." She gently laid the baby in the cradle next to her sister with a kiss before sliding back into bed beside him. "Everything's fine. Thea's tummy is full, and she's asleep; when Iduna wakes up for a feeding, I'll take care of it."

"Thea?" Hans asked, settling back down.

"Dorothea."

"So does that mean her sister is-"

"Iduna." She gave him an apologetic smile. "Sorry, I know we were going to discu-"

He cut her off with a kiss. "It's perfect. I'm sorry it took so long for us to decide."

"It didn't. We had the names picked out, we just couldn't agree on which one to use. Now we get to use both." He nodded, watching her yawn. Without a word, he opened his arms, and she snuggled into him with a kiss. As they drifted back to sleep, he pressed a kiss to her head.

"You're a good mother, Elsa. Never doubt that."