A/N: This turns into a very dark chapter the further it goes. Self-harm, attempted suicide, and a dose of angst are ahead.
'I don't know if I can do this.'
Dinner with his old man had been…eventful. Between learning in detail about why Touga had distanced himself to the concealment charm not being a foolproof genetic compressor during sex – he really wasn't surprised but he could have learned this involving anyone else but his own mother for fucks sake – to the inevitable second puberty he was being thrown into. It was good to get answers, even if they weren't the ones he was hoping for. Such as a way to reverse this, or cut it off like a limb that succumb to gangrene. He told his father that he didn't want this, that he was happy as he was, going through life as a human. Touga only shook his head slowly and replied that he didn't have a choice in the matter.
"These changes are no different than what other hanyou experience when the transition begins. It would be in your best interest to not fight it, Inuyasha. The sooner you allow yourself to make peace with the youkai within you, the sooner you will have balance."
He knew that he would still have a "night of weakness" as well, but to him that just sounded like a return to normalcy. Touga laughed and told him that once he became used to being a hanyou he'd think differently.
He didn't agree. And right after that was when the topic of Kagome came up. Apparently Izayoi had been keeping Touga in the loop as far as his son's personal life, and Inuyasha wasn't exactly pleased to find out going into this dinner that he already knew so much. Even the most recent updates with him actively avoiding her since the physical changes began to occur. Touga didn't react well to that at all, and it was almost like that phone call with his mother all over again.
"From what your mother has told me about Kagome, you have nothing to worry about. If Kagome is even a fraction as understanding as Izayoi, there will be no problem. She sounds like she's worth it, son. The longer that you draw out telling her, the bigger the risk you have in actually losing her."
He hated that even the youkai was agreeing with his old man's words.
Inuyasha knew that he'd have to tell Kagome. It would only be a matter of time. He loved her too much to lose her, but he couldn't help but think that she'd run for the hills the moment she took one look at him. If he didn't…she could get tired of waiting on him and leave anyway. He felt like he was fucked no matter what he did.
She never said anything against youkai before. The voice reminded him, and it was true. There was not one memory from their high school or college days that he could recall her ever speaking out against youkai.
Unlike his father, some didn't wish to blend in with humans and sought to ridicule those that did. Those youkai were also known to start fights with humans, thus making others that didn't care either way opt for concealments so that they wouldn't be jumped without warning. Inuyasha had left the restaurant debating on getting a concealment before he talked to Kagome about it at all. 'She'd still know something was off,' he thought. 'coming from a long family line of women who were exceptional miko…'
Inuyasha growled and threw himself onto his bed, kicking his shoes off to clunk on the floor. It was probably too early to go to bed, but he really didn't care to stay up and face the rest of the day. He checked the clock on the bedside table to see that it'd only be an hour or so before he usually turned in. That was odd. Shouldn't he have done something around this time?
As if fate played a part in the timing, his phone buzzed, signaling that he had a text message. Inuyasha shifted and dug the device from his back pocket, unlocking the screen to see that it was an incoming message from Kagome.
Shit.
Fuck.
That's what was off! He hadn't heard from Kagome today!
Truth be told, he wouldn't have minded if she had other things to do, but lately they had been speaking almost daily, so the fact that he hadn't remembered could only be chalked up to just how foggy his head had been with all the information from earlier. Didn't stop him from feeling guilty all the same. She had been reaching out to him for the most part, but he had been trying to do better and surprise her with messages first. It was his way of building his courage to talk to her about the stuff he'd been dealing with. At least that was what he'd convinced himself he was doing.
[Hi Inu, I'm sorry I won't be able to talk this evening – I had to drive back home for a few days. Mom said that Grandpa might have broken an ankle, but could just be a sprain. I'll text you when I know more. Didn't want to worry you]
That was concerning. He really hoped the old man hadn't hurt himself that badly; at his age it could really mess him up. Another message was currently being typed as he read, pushing it further up the screen.
[Thought that since I probably wouldn't be able to talk much while I'm here, I thought I'd send you a picture I took this morning. Have something to think of me by 😉 Love you, Inu! 3]
Just like before, another message was getting ready to load, and Inuyasha took this to mean the photo she had mentioned. Without thinking he had tapped on the screen to load the image fully, and nearly choked on his spit once it did.
There was Kagome alright. All of Kagome. Inuyasha swallowed. Holy fucking shit. He was not expecting that. He had surmised that she would send a cute selfie, dolled up with hair ornaments that she found appealing, some pastel blouse or dress, and an overabundance of makeup he didn't feel that she needed. But this…this was…fuck.
Kagome wasn't wearing makeup. Her hair wasn't really brushed through, unless she intentionally chose to tease it into messy waves that looked like she had been ridden hard the night before. The cream-colored silk robe she wore was undone and open, exposing just about every inch of her to his gaze. Kagome had held the phone overhead, so it was almost like he were standing there before her as she sat daintily in her kitchen. The robe did little to hide the shape of her breasts, arranged just so that they would conceal her nipples and present a taste of what he could have. Her back was arched slightly and her legs were crossed over the thigh, but he could glimpse the faint trace of lace from her panties.
Even the youkai in his head was speechless.
Ungh….fuck that did things to him. And that look in her eyes as she took the picture? She knew exactly what she was doing and what it would lead him to do.
Inuyasha all but shredded his pants to get them off. If he didn't jerk himself raw by morning he was going to be amazed.
Four. Weeks.
Practically a month.
Kagome was teetering on the edge of pissed off and about to dip into full-blown rage.
Inuyasha hadn't even sent a text.
When her mother called that day, telling her that her grandfather had slipped as he was cleaning the shrine, she knew she had to drive home. Thankfully it wasn't anything more serious than a sprain, but it had been enough of a shock to convince the stubborn old man that age wasn't just a number. Her brother was there to pick up the slack since she moved out, but she still called in to work to use some of her vacation days so she could handle business at the shrine. Inuyasha had texted her back after she updated him, wishing her grandfather well and for her to take care of herself too.
Returning home after that, she'd expected that things between them might pick back up where they were. At least where they were at before she left. She would have been happy with that…but there was something…off…with how he spoke when they talked on the phone. She couldn't place it, but something had happened. The fact that she couldn't tell if it was something good or something bad scared her the most.
They had spoken and talked through text for about a week, then it turned into once every few days the week after, and after that it had dwindled to more excuses than talking. Excuses that came in short responses whenever she tried to reach out to him.
It was early evening when Kagome found herself sitting at the foot of her bed, holding her phone and worrying her bottom lip. The only evidence she had that she had sent that photo before she went home lay in her messages – and his. She wasn't sure what had come over her that morning – something about hearing him talk the night before had ignited some sort of desire in her to go out of her comfort zone. She hadn't gotten a reply back that said he thought it was repulsive and that she had lowered herself by taking such a picture… but then she hadn't gotten a response about it period. He had always diverted the question when she brought it up, much like he did when she asked months ago if she could come to his apartment to hang out.
Maybe…maybe she shouldn't have sent that photo.
Kagome swallowed the lump that formed in her throat. She was not going to cry. What was done was done, and she couldn't take it back. If Inuyasha wanted to pretend that she hadn't seen him a nearly nude photo, then so be it.
Her thumb unlocked the screen and pulled up his number. She was going to get to the bottom of this tonight, and a text wouldn't suffice. As resolute as that decision was, it didn't stop her stomach from doing flips as she pressed the phone to her ear and waited to hear his voice.
"Hello?"
"Inuyasha."
"Kagome…"
Why did he sound so surprised to hear her? "Are you busy?" she asked, straining her ears to listen for any signs of the tv playing – or if there were another person in his apartment.
"No, I was just reading," he said quickly. "What's up?"
Her heart was telling her that he answered that too quickly, and the bile began to turn over in her stomach. 'Don't panic. It might not even be that…' "I wanted to ask you something, Inu. I'd rather do it in person but –"
"Kagome, if this is about coming over –"
"No! I mean kind of – but that's not the entirety of it." She sighed and braced herself. "I want to know what's been going on with you for months."
There was a long pause.
The longer the silence went on the longer she began to feel that he was coming up with a list of lies.
"Kagome," he started, pausing again. "You know I've had stuff going on."
"That's all I know, Inuyasha. You won't tell me anything else! It's been months since we've actually seen each other! Doesn't that mean anything to you?"
"Of course it does!"
"Then why can't you tell me what's been wrong?"
"It's…complicated."
"Uh huh. Complicated," she repeated, clicking her tongue against her teeth. The uneasiness she was feeling was turning over into anger that she couldn't control. Everything about the way he was dodging the questions felt suspicious. "Who is she?"
"What the fuck?"
"I said, who is she Inuyasha?"
"And I said what the fuck, Kagome!"
"Is it that coffee shop barista? Or the waitress at Chili's? Anyone from our high school days decide to fly under your radar and spread her legs for you? Is that why you've been avoiding me? You don't want me to see the hickies some woman's given you? Don't want me to smell her perfume? See her stuff in your dresser drawer?"
Inuyasha's voice took on a darker tone as he began to snap back, and all it seemed to do was make Kagome madder. "What the hell is wrong with you, Kagome?! There ain't any other woman! What the fuck made you think there was!?"
"You've been pulling away from me ever since I made it clear that I was open to more. You've been making up excuses to avoid me – going so far to rope your own mother into them so that you'd have an alibi. I know that you work doesn't have you pushing overtime this much, so if it's not another woman, then what is it? Are you into men?"
"Fuck no!" he yelled so loud into the phone that she had to pull it away from her ear.
"Then why are you being such a jerk!" she yelled back.
"I'm doing this to protect you, dammit!"
"How are you protecting me, Inuyasha? Huh?! From my perspective all I can see is that you're drifting away from me!"
"I'm not –"
Kagome couldn't stop her next words from coming out if she tried. Her voice dropped into a flat tone as she said, "Perhaps it's me that should cut the cord on this relationship, Inuyasha. I'm the one that's been fighting to keep it alive for so long, and it looks like you've done given up on us. Maybe I'm the one that's insane for thinking that we were meant to be together…"
"Kagome, wait –"
"Goodbye Inuyasha."
She pressed 'end call' and turned her phone off, letting it drop to the floor with a clunk. What did it really matter if it got damaged? There weren't many contacts on it anyway, so it wouldn't be a hardship to replace. Her heart felt hollow as the first tear rolled down her cheek, quickly followed by another. It felt like a stupid thing to cry about, but her emotions had risen to new heights and bottomed out in record time.
Crying was necessary.
It couldn't cure her broken heart, but it was all she had.
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!
"I wasn't thinking!" Inuyasha roared within the confines of his apartment. He really hadn't, and he was going to own up to that.
For months this was what he had been trying to avoid, and in the end it still happened. He thought that by avoiding it, it would fix itself. Kagome had reached out – again – to try to mend all the work that they had made together. To make things work, and he had fucked it up. He got defensive. She had yelled. He had yelled back. And then…and then she said… oh god she had said…
"Goodbye, Inuyasha."
He wanted to vomit.
That wasn't a farewell with the promise of talking again soon. That was permanent, and it was his fault.
The youkai in his head was still screaming at him, calling him everything under the sun, but he didn't care. He had ruined a perfectly good thing. It wasn't until the youkai began to demand that he go to Kagome's and fix this mess that he began to see red.
Quite literally. Everything in his vision was tinted red, like he had a film of opaque blood smeared across his eyes. Inuyasha scrubbed at them with his knuckles and looked around, snarling. No luck.
"And how am I supposed to do that, you fucker!" his voice came out in a fatal growl. A rage was building in him the likes of which he had never felt before. This – this voice – really felt like it had a say in the matter? "ALL OF THIS IS BECAUSE OF YOU!"
YOU DARE ACCUSE ME OF BEING THE ONE THAT HAS RUN OUR MATE OFF –
"YEAH, I AM!" Inuyasha continued to snarl, feeling spit dribble from the corner of his mouth. His teeth were beginning to ache from gritting them so hard. This anger was unreal. It throbbed within his blood like a second pulse, and each beat of his heart only made it that much stronger. It was like he was feeding into the desire to tear something apart – or someone – and he wasn't against the idea. He began to grip at his shirt, digging his claws through the threading and into his chest, drawing up splotches of blood that quickly soaked the shirt.
Maybe if he could rip his heart out it would kill the youkai within him. What did it matter if he had a heart anyway?
What did it matter if he survived the night? Kagome was gone.
He had no reason to keep living.
The loss of blood was starting to catch up to him, and Inuyasha hit his knees. He didn't stop digging his claws into his torso, even after the youkai's voice shifted to concern, telling him to stop. "It's because of you that I even had to hide away from Kagome in the first place! You are the one that has turned me into this – this monster – and it's because of you that I have lost the one good thing… in my… life…"
His vision was starting to blur. Was this it? Is this what death was like?
"Kagome…is gone…" he coughed, feeling the metallic taste on his tongue. Blood splattered on the floor before him, and everything was going dark. The last he heard was the youkai's roar filling his ears as his body fell into the growing puddle.
The youkai slowly pushed himself to his knees and looked around him. He felt weak as shit from the blood loss, but given enough time he would be back to normal. The clothes were shredded and stained, and as he inspected his skin he could see the gashes stitch themselves back together. It was cathartic in a way, watching the destruction the hanyou had done to his person be repaired.
"Foolish hanyou," he spat the last remains of the blood into the ripped shirt, pulling it off. It was a slow walk to the bathroom, but he had to shower. It was necessary to hide any and all evidence of the hanyou's attempted suicide.
He couldn't very well go find Kagome looking like he had been jumped by a bear youkai, could he?
After a shower and fresh change of clothes, the youkai looked around the apartment. He had watched the hanyou long enough to know how to operate that portable calling device, so it wasn't difficult to locate her information.
She wasn't responding.
The youkai glared at the device and jammed it in his back pocket. It'd be there in the event that he tried again, but he wasn't going to put stock in that happening. He had easier ways to locate the female he desired. There were enough objects within the apartment that it wasn't a stretch to find something that was masked in Kagome's scent.
'I hate myself,' Kagome thought bitterly as she lay in bed.
It was nearing midnight and she was awake. After that phone call…she had thrown herself into her pillows and cried herself to sleep. Everything about that evening haunted her in her sleep, making it restless – and wanting. It had shown her convoluted fantasies of her and Inuyasha.
Happy.
Together.
And then it had shifted to the sex.
Every wild thought she had ever entertained, every position, every surface – she was given a front row seat as she watched herself and Inuyasha. She was shown everything she ever wanted with him.
Everything she couldn't have. All because she had ruined her chances hours before.
She had woken up, tear-streaked face feeling pulled tight, along with a throbbing ache between her thighs that wouldn't go away. It wasn't fair! She had gone and put her foot in her mouth, and now karma had gotten her back tenfold. Trying to go back to sleep wasn't working. She knew the moment she did she'd be dropped back into the world that would never be, and her heart wasn't ready to face that again. Neither was distracting herself with mundane facts in an attempt to quell her arousal. All she could think about was how much she needed Inuyasha in her life.
She regretted everything she said on the phone.
She wished she could take it back. Tell him that she'd wait however long he needed, so long as he didn't walk away from them. She'd do whatever he asked of her to make things right.
It was already late when she came to this decision, but she couldn't bring herself to call him. if Inuyasha had tried to reach her, he would already know that she had turned her phone off… Logic told her that it would be better to wait and speak to him with a clearer head so she didn't fuck up again – provided that she could get back to sleep at all.
Kagome hadn't been in the right frame of mind to get off even as she got out the glass dildo, but something had to be done. Even a lackluster orgasm could let her doze off for a few hours. She had started to revisit what she had seen in her dreams, but the more she tried to piece together the details, the less inclined she was to get off. The feeling of guilt of what she had done was outweighing the eroticism of the dreams.
There was more than enough of that in her conscious mind. She didn't need the dreams to remind her.
Ultimately, it came down to reliving that night that they'd had phone sex to get wet enough and not feel like she was going to chafe herself with the dildo. So naturally, it was in the moment when she was soaked, throbbing, and so close to coming that she heard a knock at her door.
Karma was a ruthless bitch.
Kagome took a deep breath. She'd already lost her temper once. It was late, so it could have been an emergency, and if it was the person didn't deserve that. She left the dildo laying on her bed as she shrugged on her silk robe, belting it tightly. It was late, she reminded herself. She didn't have to open the door if she didn't feel comfortable. If it was important, she could tell them that they could come back the next day.
That's how she reasoned it would play out, anyway.
Each step closer to the door had her feeling like she couldn't turn the person on the other side away. There was a raw power emanating from where they stood, and it drew her closer. She could feel the strength in the air like a steady pulse…almost lethal in nature…so why wasn't she more concerned? The hairs on the back of her neck were standing up, and her stomach turned over, not unlike that when one encounters a wild animal. Everything ounce of logic that she had earlier should have been telling her to turn away, but instead it was encouraging her to keep going.
Kagome hadn't made a sound as she stopped on the other side of the door. Hadn't stood on tiptoe to look through the peephole. Didn't want to tip off whoever was on the other side that she had heard the summons. She still wanted to feel like she was in control of the situation, to be able to decide what the next course of action was.
"Kagome?" the voice called out suddenly, as if they knew she were right there. A very familiar voice. One that made her decision easy.
"Inuyasha?"