Chapter 12:

I sat in my room alone with my thoughts, staring at the pictures on my wall, for half-an-hour before Pony finally knocked and came in. He sat next to me on the bed, joining me in looking at the pictures.

"He really loved you, you know" he said softly. I nodded. "I know Dally loved me, I've heard it a thousand-" "No" Pony shook his head. "I mean yes, Dally loved you, but Johnny did too" I blushed as the two of us looked along the picture wall, re-living the scenes. The gang playing football at the lot. Our last Christmas with mama and daddy. Easter egg hunting when I was eight. Pony, Johnny and I sitting on the front steps and eating Popsicles, food coloring all over our faces as we grinned at the camera. Hudson learning to walk. Soda escorting me to my eighth grade formal. Dallas hanging me upside down on his shoulder on my fourteenth birthday. Me holding Izzy when she was a baby, while Pony, Johnny, and Curly stared at her like she was fragile and would break.

One picture included the seven of us Curtis family members and Dally at the beach, right after I turned 12. The six of us kids were in a pyramid, Darry, Soda and Dally at the bottom, Pony and I in the middle and a five year old Hudson on top, each of us grinning as we stared at the camera before Soda and Dallas gave each other a look and collapsed to the sand, making the rest of us tumble down in laughter. Mama and daddy did so much to include Dally in our lives after he found us. I'll never forget that.

"You know, when we were at the church..." He started, drifting off as he seemed to pause to catch his breath, as though what he was about to divulge was hard to say. "When we were at the church, he told me all about now much he loved you. At first I was grossed out, but now I'm glad he told me" he smiled. "Because I can tell you about it, If you want to hear it"

I looked at my brother, who had been in a perpetual state of sadness, and saw what was a genuine smile. A sad smile, but a genuine one none-the-less.

"I think-" I started, pausing to ponder. Butterflies erupted in my stomach during that moment of quiet. "I think I would like that" I whispered.

"Well, he told me that he loved you but didn't want to ask you out, because he felt like you deserved the world and that he would never be able to offer you that. I told him that's not how it works, that when you love someone, that's the world. He never tried to dispute that. He told me that he first realized he was in love with you when you were thirteen, though he was in love with you long before that. You were reading a book to Hudson and Izzy. Izzy was in your lap as you read, and she was looking up at you with this bright eyed glance. He told me that's when he saw it, a future with you. Little greaser children and you reading to them at bedtime."

I smiled and blushed as I leaned against my younger brother, laying my head on his shoulder as he wrapped an arm around me and took in a deep breath before continuing.

"He told me that there was a story you once told him, about how the sun loved the moon so much he died every night to let her live. And he told me that he understood that. That he loved you so much, but that there wouldn't be much of a life with a con, so he had to let you go. You were truly the love of his life, Ave. Truly. Even when you didn't know it."

At this point, tears were falling down both our faces, and he took in a shaky breath.

"He told me that when the soc said what he said about you, he saw red. He said he'd rather die than let something like that happen to you. And then he told me Avery. He told me what happened, when you were twelve, with that one Soc-"

My head snapped up, tears still in my eyes. "He told you?" I whispered, not knowing what to think of the fact that my little brother now knew my darkest secret.

Pony nodded. "He did. You never told me-" "I never really told anybody." I said softly. "Darry only knows because it was his friend, and Mama and Daddy obviously knew. Dally knew because he went with Darry and Tim on the hunt for the guy. Johnny was the only one of the guys I actually told. Soda doesn't know, Two Bit doesn't know, Steve doesn't know." I drifted off, thinking about the first time I talked to Johnny about it.

It was right after Mama and Daddy died, almost a year ago now. I had woken up in the middle of the night from a nightmare, sweating and crying, and walked to the kitchen for a glass of water. Johnny had arrived in the middle of the night to sleep on the couch. He tried to give me a hug when he saw I was upset, and I backed up away from him, something i didn't normally do. He had scared me, only, it wasn't him I was afraid of. I broke down in tears and told him all about the nightmare and what had happened years ago.

It felt good to talk about it, to let it out. And Johnny understood in only the way Johnny could.

Sure, he was angry at them. He was sad for me. But he didn't treat me with pity like Tim had the first couple of months after he found out. He wasn't awkward or guilty with me when the subject of dating came up, like Darry was. And he wasn't angry with the intensity Dally had when discussing the Socs in my life.

Johnny was there for me. He took his feelings and pushed them aside just to be there for me when I needed it.

After that first time telling him, he listened a lot as I went through phases of needing to talk to someone about it. After all, I basically kept the secret in for three long years.

Each time he listened, he would hug me tight and tell me that's I was loved, and that one day, a man would come along who would love me the right way, and how he couldn't wait to see me happy.

Pony now had tears falling down his face as well as he sniffled, and I pulled away from his shoulder to see him eye-to-eye.

"Don't cry Pone, it was a long time ago. I'm okay" I smiled weakly as he chugged me tight. "I just, I don't understand how you've gone so long without getting so tore up about something so awful." He admitted.

"Sometimes I do" I said quietly. "Sometimes I talked to mama. Sometimes Dallas. Sometimes Johnny. They made me feel better and helped me push through. It's something that happened, Pony. But it doesn't define who I am. Just like losing Mama and Daddy and Dallas and Johnny doesn't define me either, or you for that matter."

And in that moment, the two of us sat still and silent, as we reflected on each other's words. I don't know for certain, but I'm pretty sure he was thinking the same thing I was: Our tragedies really didn't define us, and it was time to make sure everybody else knew that too. Sure, we could have moments of pain and sorrow. But we wouldn't go down as "The orphans" or any other moniker the neighborhood wanted to give us.

We were Pony and Avery.

Just, Pony and Avery.

And that was enough.