Chapter 6

After their initial reunion, Sayumi and Shiraishi immediately got swept up in the torrent of university assignments. Though they couldn't find much time to see each other, they would often have long conversations over text. Much of the conversations were about mundane daily tasks and what classes were stressing them. There was something oddly satisfying about being able to text someone about these things. The both of them would often get lost in the messages and forget about what they were supposed to be doing, which was not great when they had to keep up their grades to maintain their spots in their respective programs. This continued until the end of the semester and exam period.

With the semester behind them and the end of the summer drawing near, the two finally decided to go to one of the many summer festivals happening around the city. Before they could celebrate the end of the season and semester, Sayumi demanded that Shiraishi go with her to pick out a new yukata. Shiraishi normally hated shopping with his previous dates, but he didn't feel the same way this time around. He wondered if it was because it wasn't an actual date, but rather two friends spending time together.

Sayumi perused around the store, picking out various colourful patterns and whatever else caught her eyes. She picked out a pastel green yukata with bamboo motifs and held it up to her body. "Shiraishi-san, do you think this green would look good on me?"

He shook his head. "Your complexion is too pink to pull it off. Plus, I don't think the bamboo suits you very much."

She pouted before returning it to the rack. "I'm too pink for green? How about orange?" She selected a dark orange one with a maple design.

"That would look better in the autumn," he pointed out. "What about purple? That's something unique."

"Oh! Good idea." She picked out a light purple yukata with a simple dahlia pattern on it. "How cute!"

"You like dahlias, Hokama-san?"

She couldn't help but feel a little nostalgic. "Not in particular. Someone else did, once upon a time." She cheered herself up quickly. "No use dwelling on that old history, right? Now, help me pick out an obi that would go well with this."

He smiled. "What about the red one near the front of the store? I think it would go well with it."

"You sure have an eye for colours, Shiraishi-san." She happily skipped to the front of the store and picked the red obi off of the table. "I'll go try it out," she said as she disappeared into the change rooms.

Shiraishi sighed as he aimlessly browsed the store while waiting for his companion. After what seemed like hours, Sayumi stepped out of the change room and headed towards him.

"Shiraishi-san, what do you think?"

Shiraishi's jaws dropped at the sight of her in the elegant garment. The colour and pattern complemented her complexion perfectly and the accessories she had put on neatly completed the look. He had a strong feeling that he had seen similar beauty before.

"Um, hello? Are you still there?" she asked in a joking tone.

Shiraishi could only nod in agreement. He felt his chest tighten as his heart skipped a beat.

"Shiraishi-san? Are you okay?"

"Just fine," he managed to say. "Are you going to get this one then?"

"I think so! If it can render you speechless, then it must look amazing."

She headed towards the change room to grab her other clothes and bag before heading to the back of the store to pay. She decided to wear the ensemble out of the store, which only made things worse for Shiraishi.

As night fell and the festival began, the two explored all of the booths and attractions while awaiting the fireworks show that would be happening much later. Shiraishi seemed distracted all night by the nagging feeling in his chest, which caught the attention of his companion. Pressing him on the issue only caused him to clam up more, so Sayumi decided to try and distract him instead. Her efforts were futile when she was the source of Shiraishi's woes. No matter how much food she tried to feed him or games she tried to make him play, his mind kept getting distracted by her alluring beauty.

When the night fully set in, Shiraishi led the two of them to a secluded area with a great view of the river. They sat down on a bench as they waited for the fireworks to start.

"What a nice and relaxing day. Don't you agree?" Sayumi asked as she stretched her arms above her head. "It's nice to be able to kick back after a long semester."

Shiraishi didn't respond. He kept fiddling with his fingers to distract himself.

She reached over and put her hand over his. "Shiraishi-san, are you alright? You've been distracted all day. If I did something that bothered you, I'm sorry."

"No! You didn't do anything, Hokama-san…" His voice began to trail off. He let out a groan. "I'm sorry. I just can't seem to get over something."

"Why not talk about it? We're alone. I won't judge you."

He let out a long sigh. "Truly? You won't laugh?"

She held up her hand, as if she were taking an oath. "I swear on my life."

He turned to look at her. "When you first put on this yukata, I don't know what came over me. You look exactly like the spitting image of Sei-chan."

She looked at him in confusion. "Who is 'Sei-chan'?"

"Someone I fell in love with many years ago. You loved him too, didn't you?"

She was taken aback by the sudden confession. "Seiichi?"

He nodded his head, which confirmed her suspicions. "He was the only person I'd ever fallen in love with. No one else has come close to stealing my heart since I met him." He turned to look at her. "Sorry. Not only did I bring down the mood, but I also compared your looks to your ex."

"I'm not sure if I should be insulted or flattered that you're calling me as pretty as Seiichi," she remarked sarcastically. "Still, he really was beautiful in his own way. A curse, if you will."

Shiraishi's ears perked up. "What makes you say it was a curse?"

"Everyone does a double take when they first meet him. They wonder 'is this person a boy or a girl?' when they see someone with such a feminine grace to them walk around in boys' clothing. The mystery to who he was attracted many people; myself included." She turned her attention to the night sky as she watched the first firework rise up to the sky and burst into a dazzling array of colours. "The wrong people fell in love with him when the person he wanted to look at him the most could never even turn in that direction."

Shiraishi smiled sadly as he turned his eyes towards the same night sky. "Then, was it wrong for us to fall in love with him? Can we really control who we fall in love with?"

Sayumi shook her head. "Of course not. We can't control who we fall in love with. We didn't do anything wrong by falling for him. Likewise, it's not like it was Seiichi's fault for falling in love with a man who could never love him back. It's not that person's fault for being straight either." She leaned back on the bench. "We're all victims of our own fate, to an extent."

Shiraishi also leaned back. He placed his right hand over her left and squeezed it without realizing what he was doing. "I wouldn't say we were victims. If anything, I'm glad I was able to fall in love with him, even if he rejected me in the end for Sanada."

Sayumi seemed unaware of the sudden physical contact. "You knew?"

"Not at first. I knew Sei-chan liked someone else, but I only found out it was Sanada when we played against each other at the Nationals. Sanada might not be aware of it, but he wears his heart on his sleeve when it comes to Sei-chan."

"Really?" Sayumi sighed. "But, why are you glad you got to fall in love with Seiichi when he hurt you in the end?"

"Because," he turned to look at her, "if I never met him, I wouldn't have gotten to meet someone whom I could share my heartbreak with and be understood, for once. I've never really been able to create meaningful emotional connections with people until I met him and you."

She turned and looked at him, noting how warm and charming his smile was. "Is that how you view me? Just a friend who got rejected by the same gay man who rejected you? I'm a bit more three-dimensional than that, Shiraishi-san."

"You really do know your way with words, Hokama-san," he admitted with defeat.

She laughed. "I understand your sentiment, though. I'm glad I got to meet you as well, Shiraishi-san."

The two sat in silence as they watched the rest of the fireworks together. Their fingers had interlaced with each other by that point, though neither of them seemed to have realized or minded. When the last one fizzled out in the sky in an uneventful manner, the two sat in the slowly darkening atmosphere in silence. The sound of the cicadas buzzing in the hot Osaka night along with the sound of the leaves rustling in the distance created a relaxing ending to a very long day.

Shiraishi rested his head on Sayumi's shoulder. "We've known each other for way too long to be referring to each other so formally, don't you think?"

"You do have a point there. But I'm not fond of calling people by their given name if it consists of three kanji characters. Kuranosuke is too long."

"Why not shorten it, then? Everyone else I know does that."

Sayumi began to think of cute ways to shorten down his name. "'Kura-chan'? Or maybe 'Ku-chan'?" She continued to mutter a few more ideas under her breath. "Kiritanpo!"

"That's the name of a food!" Shiraishi exclaimed.

She giggled. "I'm just craving some right now."

"Should we go get some then? The food stalls will be open until the sun rises and I remember seeing a stand with them."

"Sure." She gently nudged his head off of her shoulder before a new thought came to her. "'Kura-hime'!"

He let out a sigh of defeat. "Why not just call me Kurarin, Sayumi?"

Sayumi stood up, pulling Shiraishi up in the process. "That has a good ring to it! Who came up with that name?"

"Not Sei-chan, that's for sure." He pulled her along back towards the food stalls. "Let's go get that kiritanpo, then."

After getting the aforementioned food, the two wandered around for a little more before deciding to head back to their respective residences for the night. As they headed to the subway station to catch the next train back to campus, they didn't make much conversation along the way. By the time they reached the entrance to Sayumi's apartment building, she gestured for him to come in.

"I couldn't possibly intrude so late in the night," Shiraishi said as he tried to gently turn her down.

"My roommates all went home for the break. It's fine. Come in to rest for a bit before you head back out," she reassured. She pulled out her key and unlocked the door. After opening the door, she walked in and slipped off her sandals before turning around to look at him.

"I'll miss the last train if I stay for any longer, you know."

"It's almost 2 AM. You'd be waiting at the station for another three hours until the first morning trains show up." She flashed a weary smile at him. "And I don't want this night to end, Kurarin."

Knowing he wasn't going to get anywhere with the arguing, he sighed as he entered the small unit, slipping off his shoes while shutting the door behind him. "Sorry for the intrusion," he muttered.

Sayumi disappeared further into the unit. Shiraishi slowly walked into the place until he reached the combined common area and kitchen. He sat down on the small leather sofa as he observed his surroundings. The walls were decorated with various photographs and paintings and the air smelled faintly of cinnamon. There was something relaxing about the place, but Shiraishi's mind was very tense.

"Don't ruin this," he whispered to himself.

Sayumi emerged from a room wearing shorts and a t-shirt, having changed out of her yukata from earlier. She brought over a towel and a change of clothes and handed it to Shiraishi.

"What's this for?" he asked as he took it.

"To dry off your body after a bath and a change of clothes so you don't have to sleep in the ones you came here in? You can take a bath or a shower in the bathroom over there," she said as she pointed at a door in their view. "I'll see if we have bandages similar to the ones you use for your arm."

"I feel like this is super invasive of your living quarters, Sayumi…"

"Would you stop trying to be so polite? I invited you in. I am offering you a hot shower. Just stop complaining and do it, will you? And I have an ensuite in my room, so don't worry about me." She turned around and headed back into her room in search of her first aid kit.

Shiraishi couldn't deny that he wanted nothing more than to wash off the dirt from the day with a warm bath. He stood up and dragged his feet into the bathroom she pointed at and turned on the light as he shut the door behind him. Inside the small room, there were bottles of soap with a 'guest' label slapped on the sides that lined one of the wall shelves. Shiraishi set the towel and change of clothes down on the empty shelf space. He began to take off his clothes and placed them on the same shelf. He hesitantly reached for his bandages and slowly unwrapped them, exposing the self-harm scars hidden underneath. Though most of them had faded by that point, there were still some very visible gashes that ran down his forearm. He placed the old bandages on top of his clothes on the shelf to save them for afterwards.

He picked up the shower head and started hosing himself down with lukewarm water. He reached up towards one of the soap bottles and pumped out a generous amount and scrubbed himself down. Once he washed off the suds, he started filling up the tub with water before sitting down in it. He sighed heavily as the warm water eased the tension in his muscles. He wanted to close his eyes and sleep, but he knew it would be dangerous if he passed out and drowned. Shiraishi enjoyed the moment of bliss where his mind was blank and his heart was calm.

After a while, he drained the tub and got out to dry himself. He slipped on the change of clothes he was given, noting that they were strangely well fitting on his body. He took the old bandages and sloppily wrapped up his arm in them before grabbing his belongings and leaving the bathroom. As he walked back to the common area, Sayumi was sitting on the couch, reading a book on native Japanese plants.

She looked up from her book. "Don't you know reusing the same bandages is a way to get an infection? For a pharmacist-in-training, you sure don't know the first thing about sterilization," she chided. "Come here. I'll change it for you."

Shiraishi set his belongings down on one of the dining table chairs. "The bandages are just an aesthetic thing," he responded with a slight hint of panic in his voice. "You don't have to worry about infections. It's perfectly fine."

She closed and set down her book and got up to approach him. "Are you sure?" She gently grabbed and held up his left hand in her warm hands.

"I-I can't s-show you." He looked away from her as he tried to hide his shame from her. "Please."

Sayumi could see he was harbouring heavy feelings that he didn't want anyone to know about. She let go of his hand and walked back to the couch and picked up a pack of bandages and a bottle of rubbing alcohol. "If you want to do it yourself," she walked back and thrusted the item into his hands, "then at least make sure to disinfect it properly."

He handed the bottle back to her. "Thank you, but I can assure you that it can't get infected. Not anymore."

She looked at him, confused but also worried. "So, the legend that you hide poison under there is true?"

He laughed. "Did Kin-chan tell you that? As a woman of logic, you should know that theory is very improbable." For some reason, he felt the anxiety and shame he was feeling earlier begin to melt away.

"I won't pry, but it's nice to know it's not poison," she sighed.

"You won't judge me, will you, Sayumi?"

She shook her head. "I'm sure you have your reasons."

Shiraishi reached for the old bandages and started to unwrap them again. This time, they fell down to the ground in pieces. Sayumi's eyes widened in shock at the sight of what was underneath. The two stood there staring intently at his battered forearm.

A few tears began to form in his eyes. "I used to keep this ridiculously heavy golden gauntlet underneath the bandages back in middle and high school. Once I graduated, I had to give the thing back to my coach, but it hid these so well. No one else knew about what was really underneath, so I never really got questioned about it."

Sayumi reached for the scars and gently placed her fingers on his forearm. She couldn't help but get overwhelmed. "Why…?"

"I wonder about that myself," he began. "I don't know what made me start doing it, but I started doing it after every date, hookup or relationship."

"S-so each o-one i-is…"

He nodded. "I don't do it anymore. I've moved past that part of my life, but I'm still ashamed of what I did. How I treated all those people all because I was angry with myself."

"I-I'm sor-ry," she hiccuped.

Shiraishi wrapped his arms around her frame and placed a hand on her head. "It's okay. I can't hide this forever. Especially from you," he whispered. "I'm sorry for upsetting you."

The two stood there in each other's arms in silence until Sayumi's body started going limp. Shiraishi looked down and saw that she was slowly falling asleep. He gently picked her up and walked into her bedroom. He set her down on her bed and tucked her in. Rather than leave the room, he sat down on the ground beside the bed and held her hand. He placed his head on the side of the bed and continued to watch her gentle demeanour as the warmth of the room slowly lulled him into a slumber.

When Shiraishi awoke the next morning, he found himself lying in Sayumi's bed, staring at the ceiling. The girl was nowhere to be found in the room. He slowly sat up to examine his surroundings. As he rubbed his eyes with his hands, he noticed that his left arm was neatly wrapped up in fresh bandages, covering everything underneath. He flung the covers off of him and got out.

As he opened the door to leave the room, he felt like a tornado had swept through the entire place while he slept. Amidst the mess was a simple bowl of rice topped with natto that sat on top of the dining table. Sayumi was nowhere to be found. He sat down at the table and quietly ate the strange bowl of food, wondering what exactly happened to cause the mess he was seeing. Halfway through the bowl, the front door swung open and Sayumi came tumbling in with several large bags from a grocery store. Shiraishi ran over to try and help.

"How was your sleep, princess?" Sayumi teased. "I was worried that you died on my bedroom floor last night, but I guess I was wrong. Sorry about the mess; I had to dig around to find something edible for your breakfast and natto was the only thing I could find."

"You moved me onto your bed?" he asked.

"'Struggled to drag you onto it' is more accurate, but yes."

He pointed at his now-bandaged arm. "And this too?"

"Can't have your poison go everywhere, now can I?" she laughed.

Sayumi picked up all of the bags and brought them into the kitchen area. Shiraishi closed and locked the front door for her before heading over to the same room. She flung open all of the cupboards and the fridge and began to put away her groceries as he watched.

"I'm really sorry about last night," she began. "I should have never said anything about the bandages."

"Really, it's fine," he responded in a light-hearted tone. "You were just concerned. I don't mind that you know this about me."

"That's not the point. The point is you weren't ready to tell me, but I overstepped my boundaries by forcing it out in the open." She slammed the cupboards closed, causing small tremors to permeate through the floor. "Even if it is fine for you, I'm still apologizing because what I did was wrong."

"You're quite the stubborn girl, Sayumi-chan," Shiraishi sighed. "I appreciate the sentiment."

She gave him a small smile before turning her attention towards the mess and cleaning it up.

"I think I've overstayed my welcome for today. I'll put my clothes back on and get out of your hair," Shiraishi mentioned. "Thanks for yesterday. It was fun."

"I should be the one to thank you. Picking Osaka for university was such a good idea. I can't wait until the next festival."

"There's a big autumn one near the end of our mid-year break. We'll check that one out before our next semester starts," he promised.

As the conversation ended, Shiraishi picked up his clothes from the chair he had placed them on the night before and went to the bathroom to change. He put the borrowed clothes into the laundry basket, picked up the rest of his belongings and slipped his shoes on. After one final farewell, he disappeared out the door to head back to his home.

Sayumi sighed as she walked over to the table, where the half-eaten bowl of rice was. Even though she hated the taste of natto, she picked up the chopsticks and shovelled the rest of the contents into her mouth. As she tried to get past the disgusting texture, she couldn't help but think about the boy that was just there. She knew Shiraishi Kuranosuke was a broken person, but the darkness that lurked beneath those stark white bandages just showed her how damaged he was. She had no idea he shared the same broken heart she had all those years ago and that it was caused by the same person. Many unanswered questions swirling through her head, including whether or not she was directly responsible for some of the pain Shiraishi had gone through.

Rather than going home, Shiraishi found himself paying a visit to the old bar he used to frequent back during his more promiscuous days. As he entered the establishment, Kazu was not very pleased to see him.

"Back to your old self yet, Kurarin? I've become a walking corpse since you last came here," Kazu mocked.

He sat down on one of the empty seats. "No, and I don't think I ever will return back to those days," he reminisced. "I'm done hurting people with my selfishness."

Kazu pouted. "My best customer is finally betraying me." They leaned forward on the counter and grinned mischievously. "So, who's the lucky boy this time around? Or, is it a girl? Or, maybe more than one?!"

"I'm not into polyamory!" Shiraishi shouted. "And I'm not seeing anyone right now."

"That's a lie and you know it. I can smell the hotel soap off of you." Kazu pretended to sniff around to toy with Shiraishi. "Definitely a boy this time."

"No!"

"So, why did you come back here? Surely, your wallet hasn't been missing me or my overpriced fruity drinks." They stood up and poured Shiraishi a cold glass of water. "There have been so many cute new boys coming in here lately. I'll introduce you if you've finally gotten over that sweet spring child."

"Thanks, but," he picked up the glass of water and downed the contents, "I'm perfectly fine being by myself. I just wanted to see you one last time."

Kazu was shocked. "You're not coming back?"

He shook his head. "The Shiraishi Kuranosuke who sleeps around with anyone his age is dead. It's time to move on from the past. Sorry for all the trouble I've caused you over the years, Kazu-san."

Kazu couldn't help but smile. "It sucks to lose my best customer, but I'm happy for you, Kurarin."

"Thank you for taking care of me during my middle and high school years and for giving me a safe space to express myself freely." Shiraishi bowed his head.

"Now, now. Don't make this such a big deal. That's the reason why this place exists and it's to give young boys, like you, a chance to explore." Kazu poured him another glass of water. "What's their name?"

Shiraishi hesitated before responding. "Hokama Sayumi."

"So it is a girl!" they jumped up in glee. "I would have preferred if it was a cute boy, but we can't always have our dreams come true."

"She's not even my girlfriend, Kazu-san. She's just a very good friend of mine."

"So, there is a chance that you could end up with a boy after all!" they teased.

Shiraishi sighed. "On second thought, I don't think I'll miss this one bit."