FOUR
Andy liked to look at Sharon whenever she deemed herself unobserved, because there was always something to be learned about her state of mind that she would never share willingly. From where he was standing, he could almost glimpse a half profile, but her hair was in the way, one wavy strand obscuring her eyes from his view. Her body, though clearly tense, seemed curiously loose at the same time. Although she was standing perfectly still, she seemed to sway, her left hand and forearm bearing her weight against the wall. Her other hand came up, her knuckles brushing her forehead. She took a deep breath and let it out in one puff, her forehead now resting against the back of her hand on the wall. He heard her swear softly under her breath and cleared his throat to alert her to his presence. Sharon whirled around in alarm and took one clumsy step aside. Her eyes were bloodshot and her hands were trembling.
"You okay?" he asked. It was why he had followed her after all, having given her ten minutes after her hurried departure from the interview room.
"You startled me." Her voice was hoarse.
Andy stepped closer, approaching her like a frightened animal, then lightly ran his fingertips across her forehead to check for a fever. Her skin was cool to the touch, though, and she took a step back in response.
"Don't do that."
"Do what?"
Their eyes met, both gazes challenging. Sharon had been acting strange all day and he was not prepared to let her get away with it.
"Don't check my temperature. I'm not ill." Her voice was impatient and carried a hint of warning.
Andy folded his arms in front of his chest and raised his eyebrows. "I don't believe you. What I just saw looked like you were dizzy. And earlier you seemed nauseous."
Sharon waved him away. "I am surprised you didn't, to be honest. Provenza's sandwich was nothing short of a health hazard."
It seemed to Andy that her face was growing a shade paler as she remembered the greasy monstrosity Provenza had unwrapped from its stained paper with glee. While he had not found it particularly appetizing either, Sharon's behavior puzzled him. She never usually let anyone see that much of her, even it was just a strong reaction to an atrocity of a meal.
"Did you get any more threats?" he asked her, but she shook her head with an air of impatience.
"If I had, I would have let you and Provenza know since you seem to be the Sharon Raydor task force around here." She didn't even try to disguise the fact that she was not happy with them being assigned to her case or with the results of their work. They had been reviewing HR files and grilling her IA colleagues for the past week and it came as no surprise that they somewhat enjoyed the tables being turned for once. Andy was, of course, not proud of it, but he was quite satisfied that her predicament gave him an excuse to interrogate her sergeants. Sharon, of course, did not like what she was seeing and since she was off duty for the time being as well as under orders to stay close to Andy as her security detail, she had no way of getting away. Andy tried not to think about the fact that Sharon's teammates might be just as misunderstood as he found her to be, because he did have no interest in making a complicated situation worse for himself. IA was, of course, IA, even if he felt for one of them.
She shook her head, her shoulders slumping.
"We've been at this for over a week now, Andy. When are you going to give it a rest?"
He stepped closer to her and tipped her chin up to be able to look into her eyes. It struck him, as it always did, how deep their color was.
"When we have found who is trying to hurt you, Sharon," he said emphatically. "We are doing this for your benefit."
She snorted. "And for your own. Interrogating the members of the rat squad like criminals is everyone's wet dream around here."
He couldn't deny that she was right, so he settled for rolling his eyes.
"Even if it is, Sharon, you must admit that we have some merit."
"Do you?" she challenged. "You've started chasing this trail on a whim and you're abandoning any other lines of inquiry at the same time. What if it isn't one of my people? What if all this is for nothing and the actual person who is doing this strikes again?"
For the first time, there was fear in her eyes. She swallowed, even paler than just a few seconds ago, and suddenly Sharon took a shuddering breath.
"Oh God, I think I need to sit down."
His brow furrowed, Andy took her arm and led her towards the nearest chair. Her hands were shaking and her breathing was shallow. Was she having a panic attack, he was wondering? Her behavior had changed from one day to the next without warning and he was puzzled. The past week had gone by without incident. If anything, she should have become more confident.
"I won't let anything happen to you," he said softly, trying to convey confidence through his eyes. "We're always together, okay?"
Not always, he though ruefully, as she had not let him stay over for a while. He would have expected her to want him closer if she was suddenly so worried, but instead she shut herself off. They hadn't even had sex for some time.
"What's wrong?" he asked again.
"Nothing is wrong!" she snapped. "I told you."
"And I told you that I don't believe you," he barked, worried and confused and therefore inevitably getting angry. "You were fine one night and walked in here the next morning all changed. What is it you are not telling me, Sharon?"
She snorted and turned away from him. Andy was sure she would have walked away had she trusted her legs. Instead she folded her arms, tipped her head back and closed her eyes.
"I don't want to talk about it," she said quietly. "Please understand."
"Is it the kids?" She opened her eyes and he saw a look of panic flash through them.
"What kids?" The response struck him as very odd.
"Well, yours, of course," he replied. "Are you worried for them?"
She looked away, her voice now soft. "No."
For someone who was usually quite a talker, she seemed surprisingly monosyllabic these days. He watched her rise slowly and carefully, standing still for a moment as if she was testing her balance before she walked away from him.
"Sharon!" She turned around very slowly, her face resigned.
"Yes?"
"Please," he said, suddenly desperate. "Tell me what the matter is."
"I am being threatened by an unknown foe," she said flatly. "Forgive me if that dampens my mood."
And with that, she entered the ladies' room, leaving Andy alone in the hallway. Sharon was acting entirely out of character even for a situation like this. He stared at the bare wall and pictured her leaning against it in his mind's eye. She had looked not only lost, but physically ill.
Suddenly something struck him. What if she was actually sick? What if, on top of it all, she had been diagnosed with something? Something that threatened her life even? He swallowed dryly, a terrible fear overcoming him. He tried to imagine his life without her in it and found that he couldn't. His heart beating heavily in his chest, he waited for the door to reopen and when it did, he closed the distance between them in two long strides.
Sharon's eyes widened when he embraced her in the middle of an LAPD hallway however empty it may be. His arms tightly around her, he inhaled the scent of her hair and ran his hand up and down her back. She was trembling, he could tell.
"If something was wrong with you, you'd tell me, right?" he asked and felt her step out of his embrace. She touched her forehead furtively, but did not avoid his eyes.
"Nothing is wrong with me, Andy, I swear," she said softly, yet the weight of something was so obviously resting on her shoulders.
He sighed and brushed her side, feeling her stiffen under his touch.
"I'm here if you need to get something off your chest," he said. "I mean it."
She looked away, but then her shoulders dropped, defeated.
"I have given the job offer some thought," she said and it was impossible to tell whether she was changing the subject or relenting. For some reason, though, Andy's money was on the former.
"And?" Now he felt his own body tense. He knew practically nothing about that job offer.
"They asked me to make my decision until the end of the week."
Her eyes gave away nothing.
"You're thinking of taking it," he stated, suddenly painfully sure.
"Yes." Her voice was low and even. "It's a good job and after all this… I don't think there is a place for me here anymore."
Andy shook his head, suddenly desperate. He clenched his hands into fists to keep the fury at bay.
"We'll find that guy, Sharon! We'll find him and we'll lock him away!"
She smirked, the pain she was feeling evident. "And if you don't? I can't keep looking over my shoulder, Andy. I am not safe here. You can't be glued to my side for the rest of my life."
It was only now that Andy admitted to himself for the first time that that was exactly what he had come to hope. He wanted to spend his life with her. The thought came unbidden and he was momentarily stunned into silence by the momentum of it.
Sharon, misunderstanding his reaction for hurt, reached out for his arm. Her mask fell and for a second she was the Sharon he knew.
"It's safer that way, Andy. That's all I need. Safety." All of her bravado was gone, making room for practicality. "I very much doubt that anyone will go through the trouble of following me all the way to Boston."
His stomach dropped. "Boston?! That's 2,000 miles away, Sharon! Damn it!"
She looked taken aback by his outburst. "My parents live in Boston and I'd be closer to my kids, too. Maybe a fresh start is just what I need."
Andy was not one to be able to deal with strong emotions well. He was well-known for flying off the handle every chance he got and today was no different. He wanted to profess his feelings for her, give her a reason to stay, but instead he gave in to his anger.
"Fine, give up and run away!" He threw up his arms in mock-defeat. "You may even be right. All your career here has turned up is a bunch of people who hate your guts and a team of weasels who might secretly hate you as well."
He regretted his words the second they had left his mouth, but he also had a hard time apologizing for wrongs done, so he did not backtrack. Instead he stared at her for a while as if his eyes could burn holes into her. Sharon stood straight, her arms at both sides of her body, gaze unwavering.
"Is that what you really think of me?" she asked so quietly that he had to strain to hear her. Here it was, his out. He could tell her now that this was not the case, that he had discovered a greater understanding for her than ever before those past few days, that, to the contrary, he actually thought he loved her. Instead he said nothing, posture rigid, eyes narrowed, heart thundering in his chest.
She waited a beat longer, then turned away from him and started walking. She was not supposed to be out of his sight, of course, but he let her go anyway. Once she had rounded the corner, and the sound of her heels on the linoleum floor had grown faint, then died, his anger evaporated and a heavy dread settled upon him. What had he done? He had driven her away, had confirmed what were probably her worst fears and, come to think of it, might even be the reason why she was so hesitant to call what they had anything else than an "affair".
He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes to gather his bearings. What had he done? With a start, he pushed away from the wall and threw open the door to the men's room. He splashed water on his face and stared into the mirror, thoroughly unsettled. Andy stood there for a long time caught between anger at her and at himself. Why did he always have to put his foot in his mouth? Why did she have to be so cold?
He finally walked back into the hallway to go in search of her. Their personal relationship (or lack thereof) aside, he was still under orders to look after her and he would do just that. Tucked away by their superiors into this rarely frequented part of the building, he was the only one walking the hallway, the automatic lights coming on as he made his way back towards the interrogation rooms where Provenza was probably waiting.
When the lights came on in the section just ahead of him, he gasped in shock at the sight of Sharon leaning heavily into the wall, obviously struggling. He ran the last few yards until he reached her and instinctively put his arm around her waist to steady her. Her reaction to his touch was clearly delayed as she looked up at him through her hair.
"Sharon? You okay? What's wrong?" he asked her, trying to keep the panic out of his voice and to sound calm and maybe even reassuring instead. Something must be very wrong for her to be clinging to the wall like this.
She shook her head as if to chase away the drowsiness. "I haven't really eaten. I needed a minute. I'm just so dizzy."
Was it the weight of what was happening to her? Their fight? The words he had said?
"You shouldn't have gone alone, Sharon," he said more softly now. "I'm supposed to watch over you."
Tears were gathering in the corners of her eyes, but she didn't bother wiping them away.
"Not for very much longer, Andy." Her voice was soft, but the resolve in her words was clear.
He snorted, angered by her defiance.
She tried to get away, but sank back against the wall, so obviously dizzy that he took pity on her despite his anger. A tear rolled down her cheek and she hid it in her palm. A shudder went through her body as she allowed herself a single sob. For a moment, his anger didn't matter anymore and all he could see was her devastation, so he pulled her into his side and wrapped his arms around her.
"I've got you, Sharon," he said with a softness he'd never thought he would be capable of in this moment. She stilled, clearly listening now. "I've got you", he said again with more emphasis.
"I can't," she whispered. "I can't do this again."
"Do what again?" He had been right. There was something else at play here.
It seemed that now that her face was buried in his chest and she didn't have to look at him, the words came easier to her.
"There was no one else after Jack," she elaborated quietly. "He cheated on me and gambled away our money and called me a mirthless bitch when he came home drunk. He left me more times than I can count and I always welcomed him back for the children's sake. I can't do it again."
Andy remained very still. They were getting to the core of what was wrong here and he would be damned if he said something stupid that made her change her mind about opening up.
"I just can't imagine making myself vulnerable to so much hurt again," Sharon said. "I am not blind. I know that you didn't mean what you said earlier. I know you want more, but I just don't think I am able to give it to you. Especially not now."
"Hey," he said softly, running his hand up and down her back, trying very hard to keep his voice even. "What do you want?"
She drew back and looked at him, her eyes still wet. She hadn't been wearing her glasses for a few days, it struck him. He wondered why that was. The look in her eyes was one of puzzlement and he couldn't help but smile.
"Let me guess, Jack never asked you this."
She returned his smile with a careful one of her own.
"No, he didn't."
"Maybe that's where you should start," he suggested, his heart skipping a beat at the turn the conversation had taken amidst the emotional warfare they had been wrecking on each other. She didn't answer him, but her face lit up just a little.
"Feeling better?" He let go of her. "Don't scare me like that again, okay?"
She gave him a sad smile. "I will try."
They stood facing each other for another moment, Andy still holding on to Sharon's elbow to steady her.
"Are you really going to take the job?"
She looked at him wistfully. "The past few days had me question everything about my life here, Andy. I have realized that I don't want to do this job anymore. It has occurred to me before, but now I just want to be safe."
He didn't grow angry this time, just looked at her for long time, then wiped away a dark streak of mascara on her cheek.
"I want to keep you safe, Sharon."
"I know." She smiled sadly. "But we both know that if someone is out to hurt me, they will find a way."
Andy couldn't argue with that.
They walked together towards their assigned room where Provenza greeted them with a string of expletives due to their lateness.
"You stay here for a second, I'll get you some dinner," he told Sharon who nodded and sat down obediently, ignoring Provenza.
However stony her face looked now that she had gathered her bearings, he couldn't forget her devastation. Sharon Raydor was falling apart both mentally and physically and there was nothing he could do about it.