You know that guy you see going to the marketplace when you stop off in that little town on the way to gramma's house? Sort of shifty looking fella, who buys tobacco and a bottle of sake at 10 in the morning?
The kind of guy you wait to come out of a building before you and your family go in?
Well...that guy is me.
My Name is Earl-san.
And if you took the time to really get to know me find out what kind of person I truly am instead of just stereotyping me because of the way I look...well...you'd be wasting your time.
'Cause I'm exactly who you think I am. Hell, I'll pretty much steal anything that it isn't nailed down.
Oh, that other guy with me? That's Randi-san. The best brother anyone could ask for. We usually spend our days hanging out over at the local crab place, getting drunk every night and not really remembering what happened.
We lived in the sweet little province of Kamuden. Yep, not a place out there like it. It's pretty much the armpit of the country. And that's saying it nicely.
It was on one of those drunken nights that I was having a real lucky streak at gambling. Lady luck was on my side that day, because I won more money in an hour than I'd ever seen in my entire life in one place. I was practically rich when I left the bar with my sack full of money.
It was the happiest 10 seconds of my life.
I don't really remember exactly what happened. All I know is I was walking out of the bar with my sack filled with cash, and the next thing I knew, I was face down in the mud with cart marks over my back, the money gone.
It only took maybe 12 hours for someone to notice me and drag my body to the local healer's. Thanks to some of the pretty great herbs she had, I was too doped up to realize I had just lost the fortune of a lifetime to a runaway cart.
Once they did wear off though I realized that I had a busted leg, a black eye, and that my money was gone, and I was pretty much out of luck to ever get it back. I think I might have cried if I wasn't afraid of Randi waking up and seeing me.
Then it happened.
I overheard the conversation between the healer and a woman who had stopped by to pick up some herbs.
"Well, I'd say it was unfortunate, but he had it coming." the woman said to the healer.
"Well, you know what they say. What goes around comes around," said the healer. "That man had bad karma written all over him. You can't expect good things to happen to you if you do bad things all the time, y'know."
Karma. There it was. The secret of life had been revealed to me in my half-drugged state.
When the healer finally threw me and Randi out, we checked into a local inn with the last of the money we had on us, which was enough for about a week. After that, we would have to find a way to manage.
"Do good things and good things happen to you..." I muttered over and over. It got me thinking. Something I don't do a lot. And I realized something.
That my life sucks. And I ain't ever done anything good I can think of. I realized that if I wanted a better life, I needed to be a better person.
"What's that?" Randi asked when I showed him the long scroll I had spent the entire afternoon compiling.
"I made a list of everything bad I've ever done." I said.
"Why?" said Randy.
"Why?" I replied, "Randi, I won the big pot at gambling and was immediately hit by a cart! I almost died because something good happened to me I didn't deserve!"
"Are you sure?" asked Randi, raising an eyebrow.
"Randi, it's that stuff I told you about. Karma. It's gonna kill me unless I make up for everything on that list! " I said.
"Huh," mused Randy as he read down the list, "Number 23...peed in the back of an old man's cart."
"I'm no longer proud of that."
"Number 41...stole a kid's lunch but left him the stuff I didn't like." read Randi.
"That was wrong, I know that now." I replied.
"Stole an entire case of rice from an orphanage..." read Randi, "Now, how in the world are you gonna fix these things?"
"I dunno. Maybe start with the easy ones," I said, not entirely sure how I actually planned on doing it. "Find the person on the list, do somethin' nice for em', then cross em' off."
"Are you sure this karma thing is gonna make your life better?" asked Randi, "Or is this like the time you told me that stealing from monks was a good thing because they were supposed to live a life of poverty anyway?"
"This is different, Randi. This is actually justified. How about tackling number 42? I've been a litterbug. Gotta pick up as much as I've littered so I can cross it off." I said.
"So you think picking up trash is gonna help us have a better life?" asked Randi.
"If I can get karma to see that I want to be a better person, it will." I replied.
And so, Randi-san and I headed out down the road and started to pick up as much trash as we possibly could. My brother had a lot of faith in my ideas, even if they ended up getting him in trouble later on. So he wanted to help me cross things off my list. And truth be told, I figured it would do him some good to have better karma in his life too.
It was while we were out that one of the items on my list decided to find me first. It was a group passing by, a weird looking bunch. Mismatched, kina like Randi's undergarments. A silver-haired guy with dog ears. A woman wearing a weird outfit, followed by a monk, a kitsune and a woman with a giant boomerang.
Now Kamuden Province had its fair share of standout citizens and weirdos. But I recognized this group right away. Why? Because they were on my list.
Number 178. Stoned a hanyou blind.
This isn't exactly what it sounds like. Now I know what you're probably thinking - that me and Randi-san are prejudiced against half-demons. Well, not so. Hell, we'd steal from anyone that was an easy target, no matter what their heritage was. In some ways I'd like to consider that a noble thing.
We were out one night a while back, just doing our thing. Randi-san and I called it taking a crime walk. We scoped out people to rob, and stuff to steal. That's how we found the group we targeted that day. A group that had wandered too close to Kamuden Province for their own good. But that wasn't a bad thing for us.
They sure looked like a bunch that had some decent stuff. And that's how we laid our trap.
Sure, the hanyou looked tough. And the monk and the boomerang chick were sure powerful enough, not to mention the girl in the weird clothes. But that didn't change the fact we were gonna rob these poor idiots. Randi-san and I had a plan, that time and time again, ensured that not only could we steal anything that wasn't tied down, but that we'd be able to do it right from under their noses without as much as a glance.
Kamuden Province wasn't much known for anything other than being a trash pile of the surrounding area. But it did have one thing that was pretty great, and that was some really strong drugs.
This is how we always did it. Randi-san would distract the group away from their camp while they were cooking, and I'd spike their food with the sweet elixir that would make this easy pickings.
Randi-san lured them away, as he always did, and employed his old disappearing trick by the time they caught up to him, making sure to set off the stink bomb so the dog-hanyou couldn't snuff him out.
Trap was set. Now all we had to do was wait. And it didn't take long, either. It wasn't difficult to figure out when our little substance hit our victims, but when it did, it hit em' hard.
Makin' a livin' the old hard way
Takin' and givin' my day by day
I dig snow and rain and bright sunshine
Draggin' the line (Draggin' the line)
"Hey..." said the silver-haired one as he stared into the sky lying on the grass, "You know...I just...I just wanted you to know...that I really love you guys. I just love you guys so much." he slurred.
The small one with the fluffy tail, meanwhile, was completely focused on his hand, making it grow larger and smaller with his kitsune magic. "Have my hands always been this small?"
The girl wearing the weird outfit was laying next to the dog-eared guy, and she was staring at the sky as well. "What if like...what if I'm just in a coma or something, and all of this is just something my brain made up to deal with it? What if I'm just laying in a hospital somewhere making this whole thing up?"
"I just...I just love you guys so much," slurred the hanyou again, "I mean it you guys. I really love you. You guys are like, my best friends. Fuck, I love you guys."
Yep. These guys were so high, they didn't even remotely realize that there were two strangers watchin' em. Or anything else, for that matter. Even where the hell they were.
"I just can't believe I never looked at my hand before," slurred the fox, "Like, looked at it, you know?"
My dog Sam eats purple flowers
We ain't got much but what we got's ours
We dig snow and rain and bright sunshine
Draggin' the line (Draggin' the line)
The boomerang chick, meanwhile, was lying next to the monk, who was completely passed out and drooling. This didn't stop him from keeping a hand on her butt, but she was too spaced out to really notice it. She kept stroking her boomerang, looking intensely at every inch of it with absolute interest.
"Heyyyyyy..." said the girl in the weird outfit to the others, "You guys want a sandwich? I got a lot of sandwiches in this coma dream. Just a backpack full of sandwiches."
"I just...man, I fucking love you guys," said the dog-eared one again, "I just fucking love you guys so goddamned much."
I feel fine, I'm talkin' 'bout peace of mind
I'm gonna take my time
I'm gettin' the good sign
Draggin' the line (Draggin' the line)
Best part about this little weirdo group was that none of them seemed to have any tolerance for drugs. Even the hanyou was flying sky-high, and those types of guys can handle just about anything. But even his demon blood was no match for the best liquified mind-altering substances of Kamuden Province.
"This boomerang..." the boomerang girl said, sliding her hands over it over and over, still unaware that the passed-out monk's hand was on her ass, "It's just...this boomerang...I mean, just, wow..."
"This whole coma is just my mind paralleling my life's experiences," slurred the weird-dress girl, "I'm living vicariously through my dream, unaware of my own body. Eating sandwiches with demons and monks. I was going to be a top student at Tokyo University. How is this my life?"
"You guys...you guys are just like, my best friends ever," said the hanyou, "And I want you all to know that I just love you all so fucking much."
Lovin' the free and feelin' spirit
Of huggin' a tree when you get near it
Diggin' the snow and rain and bright sunshine
Draggin' the line (Draggin' the line)
Randi-san and I, meanwhile, took advantage of this situation, as we usually did, and hung around our victims while they were far too stoned to even notice us. Not only was it fun to watch them like this, but it gave us a safe place to spend the night. They'd be stoned to high heaven until at least tomorrow morning, and by then we'd be long gone, stuff in hand.
And so, in the early hours of that next morning, we left off, carrying as much loot as we could, leaving the poor stoned group to fend for themselves.
Draggin' the line (Draggin' the line)
Draggin' the line (Draggin' the line)
"I just...I don't know if I've ever said this before," slurred the hanyou, "But I just fucking love you guys so much."
Yep, what we gave em' was strong stuff. They wouldn't even remotely remember what the hell had happened, which was perfect for us. And with that, we were gone, with a bag of treasures to sort through.
"Hey Earl-san, this food is kind of weird," said Randy, taking a tube like object and pushing out some sort of cotton thing with a string attached, "How are you supposed to eat this?"
"Dunno. Maybe it's some fancy tea or something." I said, rummaging through the bag of loot. There were some pretty weird things in that bag. Things I had never seen in my life. I was convinced we were gonna make a fortune off this stealing spree. That is, until Randi found some sort of folded scroll and opened it up.
"Earl! Earl!" Randi screamed when he looked at the parchment within the strange scroll, "What's that weird stuff written there?"
"Al-ge-b-ara," I read, seeing the strange, mystical writing inside the book. "Huh...what a weird language. Almost looks like that girl was some sort of..."
Randi and I looked at each other, our faces widened in horror and realization at why a woman would have a book filled with such strange writing.
"A witch! Earl-san, we stole from a witch!" Randy said frantically, flinging the bag away, "We gotta get rid of this stuff, or we'll be cursed for the next three lifetimes!"
We ditched that bag in a nearby cave, and spent the next week in hiding, waiting for the witch to emerge from the shadows and curse us. She never came, of course, but we were a bit more careful who we stole from after that.
Well, as luck would have it, that same weird group was crossing my path again. I wasn't quite sure how to approach it without making it awkward, but I couldn't come up with a very good idea. So I decided on the direct approach. Sort of.
Randi and I followed the group from afar for a while, until they had settled for a rest to set up camp on the side of the road. It was then I approached, trying to look as friendly as possible, without looking like I was still the kind of guy that woman tended to shy away from when they were walking alone.
"Uhh...hey there!" I said as I waved strolling up, trying to be as casual as possible, "How you guys doing'?"
The group simply eyed me and Randi suspiciously, and I couldn't really blame them. We weren't exactly the type of people you would want following you around.
"Can uhh...can I talk to you fine people for just a second?" I said, trying my damndest to be friendly and inviting, rather than sketchy and off-putting.
"What do you jerks want, anyway?" said the dog-eared one, eyeing us sternly. "Get outta here."
"Inuyasha, be nice!" said the girl with the weird dress, "Maybe they just want to talk to us."
"Yes, I do! I do want to talk to you!" I said, trying to get to the point to avoid someone trying to slash me open with a sword. "My name is Earl-san, and this is my brother, Randi-san. You might not recognize me, but we actually crossed paths a while back."
"I don't recall your faces." said the monk questiongly, but the dog-eared one began to sniff the air quite rapidly, his eyes widening.
"Hey! You're the guys who robbed our stuff that time!" the hanyou spat, "I remember your smell! It was all over our campsite when we woke up that morning!"
"Yeah!" said the kitsune angrily, "I smelled it too! They drugged us up and stole our stuff!"
"Actually, it was Kagome's stuff," said the boomerang woman, "But that's besides the point."
"You got a lot of nerve showin' your face here again!" the hanyou said, unsheathing his sword as it transformed into a much larger sword, making Randi and I gulp.
"No, you got it all wrong!" I said frantically, holding up my scroll, "See, I'm here to make it up to you! I've made a list of everything bad I've ever done, and you guys are on it! See? Right here!" I pointed to the part of the scroll in question.
"Why on earth are you doing this?" the monk asked, rubbing his chin in thought.
"Because if I don't make up for the bad things I've done, I'm gonna die, that's why!" I said frantically, "I gotta fix all the bad things I've done to have a better life. Nothing good has ever really happened to me, and I know that's because I've been a bad person."
"You're talking about karma." said the monk.
"Yeah!" I exclaimed, "You heard that rumor too, then? Do good things and good things happen!"
"It's a little bit more complicated than that...but yes, that is the general idea," the monk replied, "So this list you speak of...you've compiled every bad thing you've done, and are trying to make up for it?"
"Yes!" I exclaimed, "Exactly!"
"How do you plan on doing that?" the monk continued to ask.
"Well, I figured I'd find the people on the list, and try to do something nice for them. To make up for whatever it was I did bad. So since I stole all your guys stuff, I figure I need to give back as much as I stole." I said.
"Would you guys like a gift certificate to a daytime hooker?" said Randi, and I glared at him, muttering under my breath for him to shut up. The monk actually looked semi-interested in the offer, until the boomerang girl smacked his head.
"Point is, I stole stuff from you, and now I need to make up for it. I don't have any money, but maybe I can at least find a way to replace everything." I said.
"Keh!" spat the hanyou, Inuyasha, "We have everything we need. We don't need anything from you."
"Hush, Inuyasha," said the monk, "The man has a point here. Trying to create good karma is the way to spiritual enlightenment. Perhaps we should consider his offer."
"But Miroku," said the boomerang woman, "The stuff belonged to Kagome. So maybe she's really the one they need to make it up to."
"This is true," said Miroku, "Although we were all drugged, we seemed to suffer no ill-effects. The items in question belonged to Kagome, so we should have her be the person who is compensated."
"I had an entire stash of ninja noodles in there!" Inuyasha spat, "Enough to last for weeks! You jackasses ruined that for me!"
"It's true, and I'm sorry," I said with sincerity, "I'll do what I can to make it up to whoever it was that I harmed."
"Well," said Kagome, "It's quite kind of you to actually admit what you did. There wasn't much of any value to me in there anyway. You can cross me off the list. I'm more than alright with that."
"But I can't just do that!" I said, "I have to make it up to you somehow. I feel like I got off easy if you don't let me at least try!"
"Keh, we don't need anything from you, unless you can give me back all the noodles I didn't get to eat!" snapped the hanyou.
"I'm afraid I don't have any noodles, or any money for that matter." I said with a sigh.
"Then consider me still on that dumb list. Cause there ain't nothing you can give me that will make up for it past that!"
"Inuyasha, sit boy," said Kagome, causing the dog-boy to flatten to the ground, "Earl-san, don't take what he said into any regard. The noodles were brought by me, therefore, they were mine. I don't need any compensation from you. I appreciate the honesty, and that's good enough."
It was no use. No matter how hard I tried to convince the girl, Kagome, that I needed to make up this wrongdoing in order to cross it off my list, she was not willing to give me any clues as to help her. And although the noodles technically belonged to her, I still felt responsible for pissing off the hanyou, Inuyasha. But there was no reasoning with him.
Randi and I bid farewell to the group as they headed on their way. At least, that's how it appeared. See, I knew I still needed to make up what I had done wrong to the girl and the half-demon. And if I learned anything from my days of stealing, it was that scoping out a situation before you went in could tell you a lot. So that's what I decided to do.
I sent Randi back to the inn, and spent the rest of my day trailing the weirdo group in order to observe them. Perhaps it would give me some sort of clue as to how to cross them off my list.
They companions seemed happy enough. They got along, mostly, aside from the hanyou. The girl, Kagome, seemed more than content in her travels, and I couldn't think of a single thing that stood out to me that she'd possibly want.
Watching the hanyou, on the other hand, was far more interesting. Oh, yes...it was very interesting.
The more I watched the guy called Inuyasha, the more I realized something. He spent a lot of time...and I mean a lot of time staring at Kagome. Like, even more than Randi and I spent drunk in a stupor. He would often gaze at her when she wasn't looking, or watch her from a tree. He looked at her, and boy ever, did I know that look from my own life. That wasn't just any look. It was the look of a man stricken by love.
At first perhaps I was convinced I was just imagining it. But nope. That hanyou liked that girl. He liked her a lot. But he never seemed to act like he did when she was watching him. As day turned into night, I was absolutely sure. That guy was smitten.
I know it sounds kind of sketchy to watch people from afar, but this time it was for a good reason. I saw the way the hanyou watched Kagome as she slept. How he sat near her protectively, even smiling at her when she couldn't see it. Yep, he had it bad alright. I'd been married three times, and a man always knows that look. And I knew, for absolute certain now, how to cross the hanyou off my list.
I headed back to the inn, where Randi was waiting up for me. "So, did you think of a way to help those weirdos let you cross them off your list?" he said.
"Yep," I said confidently, "I gotta get the dog-boy to tell that girl he loves her."
"You think that hairy guy loves that girl in the weird dress?" said Randy.
"Oh, trust me," I said, "He's crazy over her. And not like, tie up and drag behind a boat crazy. Like, lovey-dovey crazy. Anyone can see it. He just won't admit it. And since I stole from him, I need to give him back something of value. And this is the best I can come up with."
"But how are you gonna do that?" said Randi, "If he doesn't want to say it, you can't make him. We can't just drug him like before if we want karma to be happy."
"I do know one way," I said with a smile, "And I'm an expert at it. We might not be able to make him admit he loves her right away, but we have something else. We gotta make him jealous."
I knew in order to get the hanyou to talk to me, I had to get him alone. So I recruited Randi to help me, and we were off the next morning to follow their trail.
It didn't take us long to catch up to the weirdo group. Years of stealing had made us experts on stealth, and we knew eventually the hanyou would leave from the group if he thought there was a threat nearby. I had Randi make some of his weird animal noises to attract the dog-boy, and hopefully that would give me enough time to talk to him.
I gave the signal to Randi when I thought the opportunity was right, and he snuck ahead into the forest and began to make his calls. Sure enough, the hanyou took notice right away, and bolted into the forest in that direction. Now all I had to do was try to catch him.
I found Randi in a grove of trees, and he gave me the thumbs up. I could hear the hanyou slamming through the forest, and he sounded pretty pissed off. I knew I would only have one shot at talking to him, so I prepared myself to say just the right thing to bait his jealousy for that girl.
"You!" spat Inuyasha when he realized that Randi and I had been following him that whole morning. "I knew I smelled you rats! I'm gonna gut you guys from nose to navel!" he said, flexing his claws.
"Wait!" I said, "We just wanted to talk to you. About that girl you're traveling with. Kagome!"
"What about her, you jackasses?" the hanyou said angrily, "She already told you she was happy with that stupid list thing, so get lost!"
"Look, uhh...Inu...uhh...Inu..." I stumbled, trying to remember this guy's name.
"Inuyasha," said the boy, "And that'll be the last thing you ever hear if you guys don't scram right now!"
"Listen, Inuyasha," I said, as calmly as I could considering this guy looked like he wanted to cut us up like a pork slab, "I just wanted to try and help you out, so I can cross you off my list!"
"I thought Kagome was the one on that list." spat Inuyasha.
"Well yeah, but I want to make it up to you too," I said, my teeth chattering in fear, "So I'm gonna help ya!"
"How can a scummy guy like you help me?" Inuyasha hissed, losing his patience.
"Easy," I said with a smug smile, ready to drop that line, "I'm gonna help you tell that girl you love her."
"What?" Inuyasha exclaimed, his eyes growing wide, his demeanor somewhat nervous.
Bingo.
"I'm gonna help you tell that Kagome girl that you love her. Cause you obviously do." I said.
"Keh, no I don't!" replied Inuyasha, his face turning red.
"Oh yes, you do."
"NO, I don't!"
"Yes, you do!"
"NO, I don't!"
"Really?"
"NO!"
"Who are you trying to convince here?" I said sarcastically, "Me, or yourself?"
"I ain't trying to convince nobody, cause I don't love Kagome, okay?" Inuyasha hissed.
"That's exactly what someone who loved her would say." said Randi.
"Well, I don't!" Inuyasha spat back.
"Well okay," I said, knowing I was reeling in the bait, "So you don't love her. Kind of a shame, really."
"What are you getting at, creepo?" said Inuyasha with a furrowed brow.
"I mean, she's really nice, is all. Seems like it," I said, "Easy on the eyes too."
"You shut your hole!" Inuyasha yelled, growing more and more red in the face.
"She's pretty," said Randi, winking at me, "Like a flower."
"What did you say?" growled Inuyasha.
"What can I say? She's a good lookin' girl," I said, "And hey, you're not interested anyway. But it's a real shame, cause she seems like a great catch. Probably won't be that long until someone else snags her instead."
There it was. The look in the hanyou's eyes. The look of a man who fears that the woman he loves will be stolen by another. Yep, I had him alright. In the palm of my hand. And the fool didn't even know it.
"I don't know what you're talkin' about." Inuyasha huffed, turning away.
"Come on, man!" I said, "You're a guy! I bet that girl has em' lining up for miles to try to get with her. It's a good thing you don't like her like that, otherwise you'd be having to swat em' off!"
Oh, that did it. Boy, did that hanyou growl.
"There's no one else, for your information!" Inuyasha steamed.
"Oh, I seriously doubt that," I said, eyeing Randy with a smirk, "Girl like that? Please. She's gorgeous, and anyone with half a brain could tell you that she probably gets guys to turn their heads and take a good look."
OH, he was fuming. The jealousy was about to boil.
"I'd hate to be the guy who kept dragging his feelings for her out, and wasn't man enough to tell her how he really felt," I said, "I mean, caring about a girl like that, and knowing she doesn't even know you love her? Man, that'd be harsh. And then having some other guy slip in and steal her off?"
"Nobody's going to sneak in and take Kagome!" Inuyasha huffed.
"Well, it shouldn't matter to you anyway, but are you sure about that?" I sneered, "I mean, if I were in love with that girl and knew there was a chance someone else was gonna snag her, I'd grow a pair and tell her how I felt."
Inuyasha was blushing profusely, and growling like a dog who'd just had his dinner stolen. Yep, I had him now.
"I bet other guys are gonna ask her out," said Randi, "Why wouldn't they? She's hot."
And there it was. The pot had boiled over. The hanyou had Randy's throat in a hold, and I was yanking on his red robe to try to release him.
"Honestly!" I yelled in frustration, "Why are you getting so worked up over this? You said you don't love her, so who cares if someone else makes a move?"
Inuyasha let Randi go, and fumed for a moment looking at the forest floor.
"You gotta tell her, man, before someone else does," I said, and actually did so sincerely. "I'm only saying it cause it's true. You know I'm right."
There was a long pause, before Inuyasha finally spoke.
"I know." he said, his voice sounding somewhat defeated.
"Wow, you were right, Earl-san!" said Randi, "He really does love her!"
"I know that look when I see it, buddy," I said to the hanyou, "But that's why I lured you out here. I'm gonna help ya."
"Help me?" replied Inuyasha with a snark.
"I'm gonna help you tell that girl you love her. I stole from you, and now I need to give you something back. If I can do that, I can cross you off my list," I said, holding out a hand to shake on it. "Whaddya say?"
The hanyou hesitated for a moment, glaring at us with mistrust.
"I mean hey, if you don't wanna pal, that's totally your call. But don't go gettin' all pissed off when someone else gives that girl her first kiss who isn't you. Someone who has enough balls to tell her he likes her." I said.
Yep, that got him again. Perfect.
"Alright," said the hanyou, "I'm in."
Bingo.
TO BE CONTINUED!