Now I don't consider myself an expert on women, but I have been married three times. So I definitely knew what didn't work. Between me and Randi-san, we had to come up with a plan to help the hanyou confess his feelings to the girl in the weird dress - Kagome.
"You should tell her some super sappy stuff," said Randi-san, who I didn't exactly want to tell Inuyasha had probably even less dating experience than he did, "You know, stuff like, 'you're like a stinky cheese that just gets better with time' or something."
"Hey, that's pretty good!" I said to Randi, "Or like, you are like fermented rice that tastes bad at first but then becomes great sake!"
"You also gotta give her something she likes. I know that for a fact. When a woman is pissed, at least, that usually helps." I said.
"What does that girl like, anyway?" asked Randi-san, "Does she like chickens? You could get her a chicken. Or some eggs, if she likes eggs."
"Well..." mused Inuyasha, "She likes a lot of things. She likes to read alot, and goes to school to learn stuff. She also really likes things that smell nice. She always smells really nice."
"What's she smell like?" asked Randi.
"Like..." said Inuyasha dreamily, "Like sakura and lemongrass."
"I was hopin' you'd say noodles. But that sounds nice too." replied Randi.
"Lemongrass..." I thought. Yep, I definitely knew where to get some lemons, and some grass. So that would be taken care of.
"You could also try pushing her in the mud. I heard that if you like a girl, you gotta do stuff like that." said Randi.
"You also gotta say somethin' real lovey-dovey, like, 'shall I compare thee to a summer's dew' kinda stuff." I said.
"Okay, so I just gotta say some of this stuff to her, and she'll know I love her?" said Inuyasha, considerably unconvinced.
"Well no, you say that stuff and that leads up to it," I said, "Kinda like how the wolves stalk the deer with the broken leg for a while before they kill it."
"What other stuff?" asked Inuyasha.
"You gotta do something heroic, like save her from an attacker or something. That way, she sees you're willing to protect her." I said.
"But I already protect her all the time." said Inuyasha with a grimace.
"Right, but this time you're protecting her and are going to be romantic straight afterwards!" I explained.
"When should I do it?" asked Inuyasha, "I mean, we gotta set it up, right?"
"You gotta get her alone," I said, "That's where we come in. We'll get your friends in on the little plan and get them to go elsewhere for a while. After that, we'll set you up all fancy and lure her to where you are."
"How are you gonna lure Kagome?" Inuyasha asked, raising his eyebrows.
"Won't be hard at all," I said, eyeing Randi, "One thing we're good at is making women who are alone uncomfortable. We'll disguise ourselves and creep her out, and she'll come running to you, and you'll pretend to take us out and save her."
"But not like, take us out so we go to heaven," said Randi, "Just like, yell at us and tell us we're a couple perverts."
"I guess that'll work." said Inuyasha, "So you're gonna chase Kagome to me, and I gotta pretend to protect her, say all that stuff, and then tell her I love her?"
"Yeah, you got it!" I said with a smile, "I'm gonna go on ahead and tell your other friends what's going on, and tonight, we'll find Kagome by your campfire, and herd her in your direction. After that, it's up to you."
"Alright," said Inuyasha, "Let's do it."
The plan was set. I told the boomerang-girl, the monk, and the fox what I was up to, and they were actually onboard with it. Apparently I wasn't the only one who had noticed that the hanyou had the hots for Kagome. In fact, it seemed like it was giving everyone a huge headache, and would make their lives easier if he just confessed to her.
They told Kagome some crapshoot story about having to go follow some demon, and thankfully the girl seemed to buy it. With that, Randi and I got out our stealin' disguises that we kept around in case we wanted to rob the same place twice. We hid in the trees near the campsite and waited to give the hanyou the signal to disappear in the woods, leaving the girl alone.
Inuyasha told us about the Shikon jewel shards, and it seemed like the perfect way to convince Kagome we were a threat. Once she was by herself, that's when Randi-san and I gave our best 'creepy guy on the side of the road' impression. We snuck up on her from behind the trees, and tried to be as convincing as possible.
"Well hey there pretty lady!" I said, trying to sound as sleezy as possible, "Whatcha doin' out here all by your lonesome?"
"Yeah!" said Randi-san, "What're you doin' out here all alone, Kago-"
I had to elbow Randi-san in the ribs before he gave away our cover.
"Give us your bag pretty little lady!" I said with a sleazeball wheeze, "I want those jewel shards! I've got a plan to execute!"
"Yeah!" said Randi-san, "And then we'll...execute...you!"
"Very nice," I whispered to Randi, before starting to get a little scarier to try to get this girl to run, "Now hand em' over!"
It was then the girl hit me on the head with her bag, which was a lot heavier than it looked. Man, what the hell did she keep in there?
"Get away from me!" yelled Kagome, and I had to shove Randi-san to try and steal the bag, and she whacked him down with it too. Our plan wasn't working out quite like I'd hoped. Yet sure enough, the girl had finally looked around and realized she was by herself, and ran into the woods.
We gave chase, just staying behind enough to make sure she was going in the direction we wanted. Once we got to a small clearing, Inuyasha hopped out of a tree and down in front of her.
"Don't worry Kagome!" he said proudly, "I'll take care of these slimeballs!"
"Who are you, demon-man?" I said, trying to really emphasize that I was a really creepy guy from the side of the road.
"I'm Inuyasha, and you ain't touchin' Kagome, or the jewel shards!" he spat.
"Oh, but we really wanna touch her." said Randi-san, a little bit too enthusiastically.
"Not gonna happen!" spat Inuyasha as he pulled his sword out of its sheath, which made it turn into a giant fang. "Stay here, Kagome! I'll deal with them!"
"Run!" I shouted to Randi-san, and not just cause I was acting. That sword was big. And having been stabbed as many times as I have, I don't mess around with an angry guy with a knife.
Randi and I ran into the woods, and Inuyasha caught up with us a short way off.
"Good job!" I said to the hanyou, "Now you go and tell her you gutted us like pigs, and say all that romantic stuff we told you about!"
"Yeah," said Randi-san, handing Inuyasha a small satchel, "And don't forget to give her the present."
"Okay..." said Inuyasha hesitantly, and headed back to where Kagome was in the forest. Randi and I followed closed behind, wanting to see the magic unveil at this confession of love.
Well, as it turns out, this girl was harder to please than we thought. She looked really confused when she opened up the gift bag filled with grass trimmings and cut up lemons. And it didn't get much better after that.
"Kagome..." said the hanyou, stumbling on his words, "Kagome, I just wanted to say...that to me...you're like really smelly cheese..."
"What?" said Kagome, her face clenched in annoyance and anger.
"What I meant was...you are kind of like gross rice, you know? The kind that sits out for a while?" Inuyasha stumbled, trying to remember what to say.
"You're a real jerk, you know that?" spat Kagome unimpressed, "And I was going to thank you for saving me, but now I really wish those perverts did catch me!" said Kagome viciously as she grabbed her bag and stomped off, Inuyasha running behind.
"Wait, Kagome!" shouted Inuyasha, "I wanted to...I was trying to...shall I compare thee to a summer's stew?"
"UGH!" growled Kagome. "SIT!" she yelled, and with that the hanyou fell face first onto the ground, and the angry girl stormed away.
"I don't think that worked very well." said Randi.
"No Randi, I don't really think it did." I sighed.
When Inuyasha finally was able stand up, he looked at me and Randi with the same face my first ex-wife used to make whenever we found our way back into the house.
"Thanks a lot, guys!" the hanyou growled, "Now she's mad at me and thinks I'm a total jerk!"
"I'm pretty sure she already thinks that." said Randi, and Inuyasha clocked him on the head.
"You can forget about crossing me off your stupid list, buddy! And consider yourself lucky I don't eviscerate you right here and let the buzzards eat you!"
"Wait, Inuyasha!" I said in desperation, "We can try something else! I gotta cross you off my list or I'll never have a better life!"
"Well fuck you and your better life, cause you just made mine worse!" spat Inuyasha, and he disappeared into the trees.
"You gonna follow him?" asked Randi-san.
"I gotta," I replied, "He's still on my list. And so is she."
Randi went back to the inn, and I followed the hanyou. It wasn't hard to find Inuyasha. He was sulking outside the campsite, watching Kagome, and she likely didn't notice he was there, or that I was there watching him, watching him watch her.
Anyway, the girl seemed beyond pissed off and grumbling, and settled into her sleeping bag after stoking up the fire quite a lot, probably to keep any monsters away. Once she was clearly asleep, Inuyasha crept to the campsite and crouched next to her, the way I had seen him do before.
He sat by the fire, and stared at Kagome. Not like a creepy 'guy who watches you from the woods' way. A lovey-dovey idiot way. Yep, he sure loved that girl. He even ran his claws through her hair as if to try to comfort hurt, and I could hear him muttering under his breath to her while she slept.
"I'm sorry, Kagome. I didn't mean all those stupid things. Please don't hate me."
At that moment, it all became clear to me. This hanyou guy didn't have to come up with some crappy romantic phrases or perform some sort of grand gestures of his affections. He loved that girl in the weird dress. And he needed to tell her what was in his heart. What he was thinking in that exact moment as he stared at her with longing, the same way Randi-san looked at a fresh sushi roll.
I'm not proud of what I did next, but it seemed like I'd have to put that girl on my list again in order to take Inuyasha off it. So I did what I had to do.
Now, I'm not exactly what you'd call 'skilled' at anything. Sure, I could drink a lot, and had a really high tolerance for drugs, but that's about it. However, I had a pretty good aim with a slingshot, even in the dark with just a little bit of light from a campfire to aim by. And so, I grabbed my trusty weapon, and slingshotted a stone right into that girl's ass.
Just as I'd hoped, she awoke with a yelp, to the sight of Inuyasha staring at her the way I often stared at a real good stealin' gig. His eyes were wide and full of everything he wanted to say, but just couldn't get himself to say it. Now he was face to face with that girl, and he'd have to confess.
"Inuyasha?" Kagome exclaimed as she shot awake, "What...did you...what are you doing?" she asked, eyeing the hanyou. "Were...were you watching me?"
"I..." Inuyasha stumbled, not having expected to be caught staring at Kagome like this. "I just...I..."
The girl looked like she was going to slap him to high heaven again, or use that 'sit' thing. That's when I waved from the tree to get Inuyasha to notice me, which thankfully he did. I pointed to my heart, and gestured with my hands, and he seemed to get the message. He had to speak from his heart. I knew it was the only way.
"Kagome..." said Inuyasha, gulping loud enough so that even I could hear it. "I...I'm sorry for what I said before. All those things that came out stupid. I didn't mean them. And I didn't even really save you. It was just Earl-san and Randi-san in disguise. It was all just a setup so it could look like I was saving you."
"It...it was?" Kagome said in shock, "But...Inuyasha...why? Why would you go out of your way to pretend to save me?"
"So I could give you a present...and...and tell you...stuff..." Inuyasha stumbled as he tried to speak.
"You mean...those lemons, and the grass in the bag? That was a present?"
"It was lemongrass. I know you like it." said Inuyasha.
Kagome began to laugh hysterically, which neither Inuyasha or I did not expect.
"Oh, Inuyasha!" Kagome laughed, "That's not what lemongrass is! It's a type of herb that smells nice!" Kagome continued to giggle, her anger apparently gone. "But...how do you even know that word?"
"It's cause...it's cause that's what you smell like. It's like lemon, and grass, and sakura," said Inuyasha, "And I thought if I gave you some, it would make you happy."
"Well, I really do appreciate it," said Kagome, "But...back to the saving me thing...why would you do something like that?"
"Because..." Inuyasha gulped, and looked up an me, and I waved my hands to urge him to keep going, "Because I wanted to do something to show that I care about you."
"By protecting me from a couple of roadside perverts?" Kagome laughed, and Inuyasha couldn't help but smile.
"I mean...just to show you that...that if you were in trouble, I would try to help you because...because..." said Inuyasha, trying with all his might to speak.
He was so close. The poor guy was just scared. But I knew he could do it. Hell, this was probably closer than he'd ever gotten before, and he just needed a little shove. So I loaded up my slingshot again, and aimed it at the girl again, this time at her shoulder.
Sure enough, the hanyou saw me doing it, and swept the girl against him so she wouldn't get hit. Now I had them right where I wanted em'. In each other's arms.
"Inu...Inuyasha?" said Kagome with a tremble in her voice.
"Kagome..." said Inuyasha, becoming more and more aware he was holding the girl he loved in his arms. "I...all that stuff I said before...I was just trying to tell you...to tell you..."
"Yes?" said Kagome as she stared up at him in anticipation, as if she was hoping he'd say exactly what he was going to say, and what I hoped he would say to get karma off my back.
"I was trying to tell you that...that I love you, Kagome." Inuyasha confessed, and I'm not gonna lie, I gave myself a small victory high five. Now to watch and see what happened next as a bonus.
"You...you love me?" Kagome said, her eyes filling up with tears as she started to cry.
"Shit!" spat Inuyasha, "Kagome, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that! I'm sorry! Please don't cry!"
"Inuyasha!" the girl wept into his chest, making that high-pitched 'girly noise' that Randi sometimes made when I stepped on his foot, "I love you too, Inuyasha." Then, the girl did something I didn't expect. She grasped the hanyou's face in her hands and kissed him first. Even I had never seen a woman do something that bold, and I was married to one who set my clothes on fire once.
"Kagome? Are you okay? I...I...I'm sorry if-" Inuyasha stammered.
"I...I've wanted to do that for so long, Inuyasha..." Kagome cried into his chest, and poor Inuyasha was terribly unsettled that he had made her cry. Yep, women sure had a way of crying for no reason.
"Do...do..." Inuyasha stammered, "Do...what? You mean...you mean...kiss me?"
Kagome nodded, trying to stop herself from trembling. "I've wanted to...to be close to you, Inuyasha. To feel you kiss me, and hold me...but I didn't think you would ever want to..."
"Stupid!" Inuyasha said, gently wiping a tear away from her eye, cradling her body against him as she softly cried, "Why would you think that I wouldn't want to kiss you, Kagome?"
"You...you mean, you wanted to?" Kagome asked, unable to stop the tears from coming.
"Of course I did!" said Inuyasha, "I've wanted that...for so long, Kagome..."
"Then...then why didn't you?" Kagome asked through her cries. God, I thought, I forgot how much women cried! "I thought...I thought that you didn't feel that way about me. The way I felt about you. You just...sometimes I'd think you did, and then you'd do something that made me think you didn't."
"Kagome..." Inuyasha whispered into her hair, rubbing her back as she softly cried into his chest, holding her trembling body in his strong arms, "I'm the one who's stupid here, Kagome."
Hell, I never thought a guy would admit he was stupid because he was a guy. Had to give that Inuyasha credit. Especially cause he was right.
Inuyasha tilted Kagome's head up to look at him, and she realized that there were tears in his eyes, too.
"I hid my feelings because...because I didn't think that...that you could ever possibly feel that way about me," Inuyasha said, "That anyone could feel that way about me. So whenever I slipped up and let my feelings show, I had to cover it up so you wouldn't think I cared...because I was scared. I'm a huge coward, Kagome. And I'm sorry for that."
"I..." Kagome struggled through her tears to speak, "I just...I had to let you know. I can't keep it in any more. I love you, Inuyasha. Please don't hate me."
"Kagome!" Inuyasha exclaimed, hugging her tightly to his chest, "Why would I hate you for that? Don't you ever say stuff like that!"
Oh boy. This was gettin' good. I settled myself real comfortable to watch the rest of this entertainment.
"I just...I was scared, Inuyasha. That I'd tell you...and you'd say you didn't love me back." Kagome sobbed.
"You...you thought that if you said you loved me, that I'd say I didn't love you back?" Inuyasha exclaimed, the guilt evident in his choked-up voice, "Kagome...I...I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I ever made you think that I'd say that. I'm sorry I made you so convinced I didn't care."
Inuyasha brought his lips down to hers for a gentle kiss again, whispering into her hair as he pulled back.
"I love you, Kagome," Inuyasha whispered, "I'm sorry I ever made you doubt it."
"Oh, Inuyasha..." Kagome wept into Inuyasha's chest, and he held her trembling body as she softly cried, "I'm...I'm so glad, Inuyasha..."
"I'm sorry I was stupid," Inuyasha said as he comforted her, "I'm so sorry, Kagome."
"Guess we were both stupid, huh?" Kagome said with a slight laugh, which made Inuyasha feel a little better, seeing her smile.
"I'm the stupidest one," Inuyasha chuckled, "I'm the biggest, most stupid jerk ever, and you know it. That's why I wear beads, and you don't."
Damn, they were real cute. I could've watched this lovey-dovey sugar coated garbage forever. And I'd be lyin' if I said I didn't have a tear in my eye over it.
"But you're my stupid jerk," Kagome said as she brought a hand to touch Inuyasha's cheek, "And I love you just the way you are."
"Kagome..." said Inuyasha as he entwined his fingers with hers, "It's just...I was scared of my feelings for you. You aren't like anyone I've ever known. I can be myself with you. I've opened up to you more than I ever have with anyone. I wanted to show you I loved you, but I was so afraid that you would...that you would...be...disgusted by someone like me loving you...that I took the coward's way out rather than acting like a man."
"Inuyasha," Kagome whispered, "Why would I be disgusted by you?"
'Well, men are disgusting, this is true,' I thought to myself. The hanyou had a point about that. But I didn't really think that was what he was getting at.
"I've always believed...that I was just a worthless half-breed. I know I act like I don't feel that way, but it's just a coverup. I didn't want to believe you could ever love me. So I just acted like a complete asshole because I'm a huge coward." said Inuyasha sincerely.
"Inuyasha," said Kagome tenderly, "I love you because you're half demon. I love all of you, even your claws and your fluffy ears," Kagome smiled, rubbing one of Inuyasha's soft ears, "It's who you are, not what you are that I love, Inuyasha."
"I know," Inuyasha replied, kissing her forehead, "It's...it's the first time anyone has made me feel loved since my mother died. I just kept telling myself that if a filthy half-breed like me tried to kiss you, you'd be revulsed..."
Kagome smiled, and pulled Inuyasha into a gentle kiss again. "Does that debunk your theory?"
"I think so," Inuyasha teased back, "Maybe try it again?"
Kagome smirked, and pulled Inuyasha into another gentle kiss, making him grin like an idiot.
"You're not an idiot, Inuyasha," Kagome teased, "But you sure grin like one."
"Hey!" Inuyasha growled affectionately, "I can't help it when a beautiful woman kisses me like that!"
Kagome looked like she was going to cry again, and Inuyasha gulped nervously that he had said something to upset her.
Dammit, these women and the crying! Did they ever stop?
"Kagome, please don't cry! I didn't mean-"
"You...you think I'm beautiful, Inuyasha?" Kagome said, her voice becoming more high pitched as her eyes glistened with tears. Even more high pitched than that time Randi-san walked on that rake and got hit in the cherries.
"Of course I do!" said Inuyasha, still very confused as to why Kagome was crying over this, "I think you're the most beautiful woman in the entire world! Please don't cry!"
"I...I'm so glad to hear you say that, Inuyasha..." Kagome nuzzled into his chest, "It...it feels good to hear you say that. I'm crying because I'm happy...because you think I'm beautiful."
'They cry because they're happy?' I thought. No wonder I was divorced three times. These women were crazy. Although they did have their good points.
"It's true," Inuyasha whispered into her hair, "I love you, my beautiful Kagome."
"And I love you, my handsome hanyou." Kagome replied, giggling at the stupid look Inuyasha made when she called him 'handsome'.
"Ha-handsome?" Inuyasha stammered, "You...you think I'm...I'm...handsome?" he grinned like a moron.
"Yes," giggled Kagome, kissing him on the nose, "I do!"
"It's just..." Inuyasha spoke, still grinning like a complete idiot, "No one...no one's ever called me handsome before. Half-breed, mutt-face, idiot...but not that! I mean, I just...I assumed I wasn't. With my claws and fangs and ears! Hells, next to you Kagome, I feel positively ugly!"
"I assure you, that I would not be curled up against you if I remotely thought that," laughed Kagome, "Need I remind you, that I kissed you first."
"Why do I feel like you're gonna be bringing that up a lot?" laughed Inuyasha in return, and Kagome curled herself against him with a satisfied sigh.
"Oh Inuyasha, I'd never do that!" Kagome teased.
"Why...do I not believe you..." Inuyasha sighed, and I imagined them growing old together, and her bringing this up 70 years from now.
Yep. I had done my work. As much as I would've liked to keep watching, I wasn't a peeping Tom. Not tonight at least. Figured karma might not be too thrilled about that. The hanyou heard me, and yelled out.
"Earl-san!" he said, his voice much less 'I'm gonna rip out your liver' than last time.
"Hey," I said, trying to sound casual, knowing perfectly well that Inuyasha had seen me in the tree.
"I just...I just wanted to say thank you, Earl-san," said Inuyasha, entwining his hand with Kagome's, "If it wasn't for you...I'd have never had the guts to do what I just did."
"You mean he helped you?" Kagome said with a laugh.
"It was his idea to cross me off his list. Guess he could tell I was crazy about you." said Inuyasha with a smile.
"So looks like you two...you know, are off to a good start then?" I said, trying not to grin like an idiot.
"I think so," smiled Kagome, "Thank you Earl-san, for helping Inuyasha, and for helping me, too, subsequently. You took my stuff, but today you gave me something that matters so much more. You can cross me off your list."
"Me too," said Inuyasha, "You helped me have balls today, Earl-san. You were right about everything. And I'm glad you convinced me to tell her how I really felt."
"I hope that you can finish your list," said Kagome, "And that good karma finds you with every item you cross off."
"Me too, Kagome. Me too." I said, bidding a final farewell, and feeling pretty good. I had brought two people together who really cared about each other. People who had been too afraid to admit their feelings for one another, and now had the freedom to say what was in their hearts. It felt good to help someone who I had wronged, and even if karma didn't do anything good for me right now, the feeling still made it worth it.
I got back to the inn, for what was to be our last night until we were homeless. Randi-san was waiting on the bed, a huge grin on his face.
"Did you make that weird-dress girl kiss the hairy guy?" asked Randi-san eagerly.
"Yep. Sure did," I said, reaching for a piece of charcoal from the fire, "And now I can cross them off my list."
"Earl-san, you'll never believe it!" exclaimed Randi happily, "But remember that crazy old healer lady who threw us out when karma hit you with that cart? She came by and gave me this!" Randi gestured to a large satchel, "It's the money, Earl-san! Karma brought it back to you because you did something good!"
"Well I'll be damned..." I said in awe, "Do good things and good things happen. I guess it's really true, isn't it?"
"Can we buy a pony Earl-san? Please? I've always wanted one!" begged Randi.
"Sure thing, Randi. And after that, we'll use the rest of the money to cross things off my list. I think that's how karma wants it." I said. And I really believed it. Although I knew it would be hard, I felt like a better person helping out people I had wronged. And with Randi by my side, I looked forward to the day when I could cross off the last one.