SIXTEEN
Flynn knew, of course, that he had been assigned the job as Sharon's security detail as much for her protection as out of the Chief's deep and probably justified desire to have him out of the way. She had not said that in so many words, but it was infinitely more likely than her having chosen him of all people because he had such a good track record of keeping Sharon safe. Under different circumstances, he would have been pissed, but as it was, he was quite enjoying the fact that he now had an excuse to follow Sharon around. To some extent it even helped him get away with being an overprotective idiot and that was very convenient.
Apparently, the circumstances surrounding the maintenance in the garage were still murky, so it was taking the team some time to dig up information. The Chief had looked nothing short of relieved when Sharon had asked to be excused in order to get some work done in the absence of new developments. As it was, Andy had to pick up his pace to be able to follow Sharon on her way out of the murder room, because she seemed just as eager to get away as the Chief was to get rid of her. Out in the hallway, he caught his breath, the rapid staccato of Sharon's heels making it clear that she was not going to slow down. He was glad when she had to pause in front of the elevators, so he had a chance to catch up.
"What the hell, Sharon?" he puffed. "Why are you running?"
"Not here," she cautioned, barely looking at him, which dampened his mood even further. Something was definitely up.
When they arrived in Sharon's office, he folded his arms in front of his chest and looked at her questioningly, deciding that he did deserve an explanation after that mad dash down the FID floors that must have made him look like an idiot to the casual onlooker. Sharon rounded her desk, shooting a mildly horrified look at the impressive pile of documents that had accumulated there in her absence.
"So?" Andy asked. "What is the matter now?" He realized, too late, that he sounded as annoyed as he felt. Sharon didn't respond well to annoyance or pressure, he had learned. When she was her normal self, she brushed you off with barely any reaction just to spite you, but when she was in a mood, she could very well explode in your face. It was rare, but not unheard of. Ready for, but dreading either, he was stunned when he received something completely different instead.
Sharon put both hands on the edge of her desk and leaned over it, clearly distressed. She looked up at him over the rims of her glasses, her hair streaming over her shoulders. Even in her state, she did look glorious, he couldn't help but notice. It was the haunted look in her eyes that kept him from telling her that.
He took one careful step towards her despite being aware that he would have to wait until she filled him in in her own time. It was tough, but necessary. If he pressed her again, she wouldn't open up at all.
Sharon straightened up and folded her arms as well, looking up at the ceiling, clearly shaken.
"Chief Johnson knows," she said simply.
Andy was honesty surprised that she would be that bothered by it. "Because of that comment with the chocolate? I don't know."
"Following Lieutenant Provenza's comment regarding the fries," Sharon said frostily. "It was pretty clear. I didn't want anyone to know and now two of the people who hate me most do!"
She shook her head, running her hand through her hair. Andy was amazed. He had barely ever seen her that worked-up about something that seemed to hold such little significance in the grand scheme of things. He wanted to walk around the desk and take her in his arms, but something about the way she held herself told him not to.
"I don't think Provenza hates you, Sharon," he said instead. He had never been under the impression that she actually cared about who hated her and who didn't before.
Sharon pursed her lips in something that was shockingly close to disgust. "Don't be too sure. You really shouldn't have told him. He keeps dropping hints and he is having fun with it!"
Andy put his hands in his trouser pockets and shrugged, acquiescing. "I'm sorry. I didn't think he would do that. I'll talk to him."
There was moment of silence during which Andy got the distinct feeling that she was expecting something from him even though he had no idea what that could possibly be.
"This is getting out of hand," Sharon said suddenly. "I need a coffee."
And with that, she walked past him and out of the room. Andy was beginning to feel like the foolish accessory in a fifties sitcom that had to follow the main character around, always a step behind.
A moment later they found themselves in the break room, mercifully alone for the time being. Sharon knew her way around the state of the art and therefore obviously expensive FID coffee machine and went about making their coffee, while Andy was looking around in envy. Their break room was way nicer than the Major Crimes one and that alone was ridiculous. The room was much bigger than the standard break room, one wall entirely made of glass and looking over the city. The chairs around the wooden tables were upholstered and if he wasn't mistaken, that snack machine carried a really wide selection of goods as opposed to theirs that left only the choice between snickers and mars. (Sometimes twix on a really good day.) Someone had even taken the time to hang pictures of California sunsets on the pristine walls. All in all, it was an extremely nice place to spend your breaks from making the lives of hard-working LAPD officers hell with your unwarranted little investigations.
Sharon poured them both cups of coffee and handed one to him. For a moment, neither of them said anything while they sipped their coffee. To Andy's chagrin, it was infinitely better than the stuff they had at Major Crimes.
"I can't believe you guys have the good stuff and such a nice break room," he growled. "You're not even real cops."
He had meant it as an attempt at some sort of comic relief, but realized that he had failed at that rather spectacularly when Sharon lifted her brows, now clearly offended. Between being worried for her and completely smitten with her, he kept forgetting that she could be that way as well. And maybe, just maybe, it was his fault for having spent too much time with Provenza over the past few years and forgetting that insulting each other was not a sign of mutual affection in every relationship. It clearly wasn't with Sharon and definitely not today of all days.
"You are aware that FID is not exactly the number one choice of division around here, are you?" Sharon said stiffly. She was drinking her coffee at an alarming speed and he wasn't sure whether he was imagining it, but it seemed as if her knuckles were turning white around the handle.
Still, Andy couldn't contain a bitter little laugh. "I would be surprised if it were."
She shook her head, annoyed. "But it is a job that needs doing, so we are trying to give it some perks."
That figured, Andy understood, but he didn't want to admit it, so he just weighed his head in a gesture that ultimately meant nothing. He really didn't like admitting that one of his strong opinions may have been even slightly misinformed.
"Everyone around here keeps acting as if we were just stirring up trouble to get on people's nerves when there is an officer involved shooting." Sharon usually used a light, slightly ironic tone when talking about how everyone despised her and her team, but not today. Today she sounded really and truly bitter. Her irritation seemed to be bordering on anger. "There are crooked cops, Andy, and you know that as well as I do. I joined this division because there are cops that shoot unarmed civilians because of the color of their skin. There are decent cops as well, but it is my job to treat each and every injured or killed person with the same respect. I owe it to them. And if I find that a cop abused his position or acted out of some bias, I will come down on them. Hard. People like that should not be police officers and we both know that, so if this is supposed to work," she gestured between them "you will have to accept that my job is not in any way less important or justified than yours."
Andy was stunned. He had very rarely ever heard her raise her voice like that. Her eyes were blazing and she was trembling with anger. This whole speech was a tough pill to swallow, because hating IA and everyone in it (except for Sharon, of course) was so ingrained into him, that it was hard to imagine ever letting go of the notion. But of course he knew that she was right. FID was only a pain in the ass when their investigation ended up clearing the officer's name. Whenever it turned out that he was indeed guilty of a crime or even a lapse in judgment, they were all reminded that FID was there for a reason. He understood that he had been silent for too long when she suddenly turned away from him, rubbing her forehead.
"Maybe you should stay here while I get some work done. Seeing that you like the room so much." She made to leave but stopped when Andy cleared his throat. When she finally looked at him again, her eyes were red with exhaustion, her posture suddenly and uncharacteristically loose.
"I'm sorry, but I can't let you go alone," he said. "Not again."
Sharon shook her head and snorted in that irritated way of hers. "Be my guest then."
He followed her back into her office and closed the door behind them. While she was right in principle and probably very justified in giving him hell on that particular issue, he could still sense that something wasn't right. It was as if she was trying to pick a fight and he couldn't for the life of him understand why that was. Confrontative as she could be in a work capacity, she was not like that at all in private matters. He gave her a moment to settle down behind her desk and then approached it.
"What's the matter, Sharon?" he asked her softly, hoping that she would understand that the question was not meant to antagonize her. She looked up at him and for a second he saw something other than anger and resolution flicker behind her eyes. It looked almost like fear. Then it vanished, the short appearance of vulnerability firmly willed away.
"I have been wondering when you would finally remember who I am," she said, her voice suddenly brittle. When all he could muster in response was a look of utter confusion, she shook her head as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I'm FID and you're making it very clear that you think of us as enemies. When will you suddenly realize that I am just too much to handle outside a casual affair? Because if that is going to happen down the road, you better tell me now."
Without warning, the look in her eyes was back and Andy realized at once that he had been mistaken before. It wasn't fear at all. It was hurt. Sharon was dealing with it by being aggressive, but he could see that she was actually terrified.
"I know full well who you are," he said. "And I won't just wake up one day and decide to leave you because I suddenly remember that you work in Internal Affairs."
Her bottom lips quivered only once, but he didn't miss it. And just like in an interrogation with a suspect when his masks slips and you manage to see behind it for just a second, Andy had an epiphany. This was exactly what Provenza had warned him about. Sharon had experienced just the scenario she was addressing in a different form before. Even though they had traded stories in a drunken stupor and his mind had been far from clear, the essence of Jack Raydor's complaints had somehow stuck in his memory all those years: His wife was always on about how things had to be done. Little Miss Prim and Proper. Always nagging him about spending time with the children and that agreement they had once had that he was going to put her through law school once he had graduated. That one had made Jack laugh uproariously more than once. Everybody knew no woman in her right mind would go back to school once she had kids. How outrageous was that? So she was obviously just reminding him of it to have something to hold over him. Jack had always been on about how Sharon had seemed to be so cute and fun before they'd had kids, how then he had suddenly discovered what a pain she really was, how stuck-up and boring.
These days, of course, Flynn knew that every single word had been a load of bullshit. Jack Raydor was an addict who was blaming his wife for his own shortcomings. And of course he hadn't just done that in front of his drinking buddies, but to Sharon's face as well. Sharon had to know that she was not the one to blame, that Jack was the one who had made all the mistakes, but you couldn't just erase years and years of internalized blame. Andy knew with sudden clarity that Sharon was doing right now what she probably wished she had done with Jack the moment it had become apparent what he really was: She was protecting herself.
By pushing Andy away, she was giving him the chance to up and leave on her terms instead of suddenly vanishing and blindsiding her. It was a means to stay in control. The old FID conflict was just a convenient way to do just that.
On some level, it annoyed him that she seemed to think so little of him. On another, he knew that this was not really about him at all. This was about her and Jack and learned behavior. Now it was also beginning to dawn on him why she was so hung-up on the fact that Provenza and the Chief knew about her pregnancy. Jack Raydor's antics had always been gossiped about in the criminal law community and, by extension, the LAPD, and she had been caught in the crossfire more than once. It was probably why she guarded the details of her private life so closely even now. Sharon was scared that Andy would leave her and everyone would know that she was pregnant with his baby.
Andy stepped around her desk and approached her. "Hey," he said softly. "It's me, Sharon."
She furrowed her brow, looking confused. "What?"
"When will you understand who I am these days?" he asked her, turning his palms up as if in defeat. "I'm not going to run away, Sharon."
It suddenly occurred to him that he might not have given her enough to know for sure that he was there to stay. They had barely discussed the pregnancy, certainly not the latest developments and what they meant going forward, and an offhand comment about a rocking horse was hardly proof that he was willing to stick with her through it. He had been wondering so much about how she felt about it all that it hadn't even occurred to him that she might be hesitant to assume anything about him as well. Maybe she needed reassurance as much as he did?
He had her full attention now and he could see from the look in her eyes that he couldn't mess this up now. Once false step and he could lose her forever. His heart was hammering in his throat when he took her hand.
"I understand that you are used to doing things on your own and to not be able to rely on your partner. I admire that in you, but you don't have to this time, okay?" He kissed her knuckles and wrapped his other hand around hers as well. "I'm all in if you are, Sharon."
She didn't move, but he saw her shoulders loosen. "For everything?" she asked quietly, indicating her middle with her free hand.
"For everything," he repeated firmly. "I know this is fast and this is frightening, but I wouldn't dream of leaving you alone with this Sharon."
She nodded, visibly straining to keep it together. This was hard on her, he understood. Sometimes letting go of your protective walls was a lot harder than continuing to defend them. He, of all people, should know.
"And you're right about FID, too. I was being an ass." He smiled at her. "I am like that sometimes. I am afraid you will have to take that into account when you decide whether you want to do this with me."
Staying in control, he knew, was what was keeping her sane in the middle of all this. The decision whether she wanted to be with him was hers alone and she now knew that.
"I won't terminate this pregnancy now that we know it is not strictly medically necessary," she said softly, concentrating on the more obvious decisions, it seemed. "but that doesn't mean this will not go wrong." She cleared her throat, looking a little lost. Andy moved to stand behind her, gently bringing his arms around her. His hand came to rest on her stomach and he lightly caressed it through her top. He could feel her lean back into his chest.
"We can take this one step at a time, Sharon. I understand that this can still go very wrong, but pretending that it is not happening will not make it hurt any less if we do end up losing the baby."
She was still tense, but he could tell that she was enjoying his gentle caresses despite herself. For a moment, they just remained standing like that, reveling in each other's closeness.
"That miscarriage was hard for me," she finally broke the silence in a small voice. "Despite everything, it was a wanted baby."
Andy suspected that she felt ready to be more open because she did not have to look at him, so he made no attempt to let go of her. It was no coincidence that she started speaking of it now and he wanted to know what the deeper connection was.
"What do you mean 'despite everything'?" he asked carefully.
"Jack had been back for a really long time by his standards. Almost a year and I was beginning to relax because I thought things were going to be fine. I was so naive. He had left me twice before after all. He suddenly started to talk about having another child and of course I told him no, but he wouldn't let it go. I finally gave in, I don't know why. Then the pregnancy turned out to be harder than the other two. A little like now, actually, with a lot of nausea and dizziness. I was always exhausted, so since he only worked a few hours a week with his practice just getting started, I asked him to drive Emily to her ballet lessons and help Ricky with his homework, things like that." She gave a humorless snort of laughter. "Being Jack, he didn't like that one bit."
Andy knew the type. Jack had probably imagined that another kid would miraculously make everything new and shiny again. Instead, he had gotten a taste of what it felt like to actually be involved in the every day matters of taking care of your children.
"He ran off when I was around eight weeks pregnant. Just disappeared without saying goodbye. All I got was a note that said only that he was sorry." Sharon's voice was suddenly thick with tears. Even after all this time, it still hurt her. "I carried on as usual, but I could see my children's grief and, physically, I was feeling even worse than before and one day I just…" She brought her hand up and wiped her eyes. "I woke up in the middle of the night from the pain in a pool of my own blood." She stopped there, but he sensed that she wasn't done yet. "I called an ambulance and my friend Sarah because someone needed to look after my kids. I lost so much blood that they wanted to keep me in the hospital for a few days, so I called Jack to ask him to come back and watch our kids, if only until I was back on my feet. I left a message with his secretary, but he didn't even call me back."
Sharon wasn't going to cry at the PAB, not even in her own office and Andy respected that, but she was close so he continued to hold her until she had fought back the tears.
"I'm not going to leave, okay?" he said softly. "I would never ever do that to you. Whatever happens, I will be right here with you."
She finally turned around and looked at him, her eyes still wet with unshed tears. Her arms came around him and they just held each other for a moment. He was glad that he had gotten the chance to assure her that he wouldn't run away like Jack, but somehow he wasn't sure whether it could ever be enough. Past experiences would do that do you, he mused and wondered whether Sandra had had the same reservations when she had met her new husband. He needed to apologize to her one of those days, it occurred to him. Really apologize.
"Let's try and get some rest tonight," Andy said when they came apart enough to look at each other. "I'm going to cook you a nice meal and then we can watch a movie or something."
It seemed a little absurd how eager he was to do those simple everyday things with her. As a teenager and well into adulthood, he had imagined love to be about the big events. The proms and vacations. The proposals and weddings. Everything in between had seemed tedious, pointless even, sometimes. But now he knew that just being with her every day and having her near him was the thing that was making him happy.
She hummed and closed her eyes as he pressed a soft kiss to her cheek, still holding her and very reluctant to let go.
"That sounds nice," she murmured. "I hope we'll get the chance."
That reminded him of Boston and she job she had been offered there. If they were having that baby together, she was certainly not going or was she? But were they really? Because while he had made it clear that he was committed, she had only ever let him know that she would not have an abortion. He wanted to ask her, but didn't know how in the delicate situation they had found themselves in. Too much was happening too fast and all that in the middle of that strange and frightening case in whose center was Sharon for some reason still unknown to them. Of course, they had the most elite team of detectives on that very case, but the wait was still excruciating.
That was when his phone began to ring.