TWENTY-TWO
A/N: Thank you for your support and kind reviews! This chapter is for Sixty Five Roses who wanted to know what Sharon has been doing those past six months. Thank you for the suggestion and I hope you enjoy!
EDIT: I reread this chapter when I was not about to pass out with exhaustion and cleaned up some typos and such... :-)
"This is the one, isn't it?"
Sharon turned around from her spot by the large window and smiled at her sister. As children, they had often been taken for twins despite their two year age difference. Maybe it was because they had the same eyes in the exact same shade of green or maybe it was their hair that they had always worn in identical long braids down their backs. Nowadays, however, that Maggie was wearing her hair in a bob which curled in all directions and didn't need glasses, they were a lot easier to tell apart. Maggie shared Sharon's love of business suits, but usually wore Chelsea boots and somewhat eclectic shirts with them, fondly referring to Sharon's large collection of stilettos as her "little problem". While roughly the same height, Maggie had a few pounds on Sharon, which gave her a sturdy appearance and, in Sharon's opinion, somehow contributed to the fact that she gave the best hugs in the entire world.
"Yes, it is. It's gorgeous, isn't it?" she replied. "I can't believe it's only five minutes away from Mom and Dad."
Maggie put her arm around Sharon's shoulder and pulled her into her side affectionately as they looked out into the garden together. "We'll miss having you hang around our place, little sis."
Sharon chuckled. "Even though I did very little else than sleep that past month?"
"Sometimes we'd walk into your room to watch you sleep, our little angel," Maggie said in a fake emotional voice that never failed to make Sharon laugh. "No, honestly. You are the best house guest ever. No one stacks the dishwasher quite like you. Even Roger likes you and he doesn't like anyone."
Sharon weighed her head. "I wasn't so sure in the beginning, but I think I won him over with tuna."
"For Christ's sake, Sharon!" Maggie threw her hands up dramatically. "That cat is fat enough as it is!"
Sharon shrugged. "Sorry. I needed someone to cuddle while you guys were at work."
Banter with Maggie was always easy, Sharon found. She had gotten so used to only seeing her once or twice a year that she had forgotten how good it felt to be around her. Maggie and her wife Hannah had picked Sharon up from the airport and taken her in despite her protests that she couldn't impose on them. They had put her up in the charming guest room of their house and had expected nothing of her but to eat, sleep and swim in their pool. That first night, Sharon had slept better than she'd had in weeks and had woken up rested and with a slightly more positive outlook on her future. Those last weeks in Los Angeles seemed like a fever dream to her now and if her stomach hadn't already become a little firmer and rounder these days, she would have probably been able to convince herself that none of it had actually happened. Sharon didn't usually believe in denial, but every time she tried to examine what had happened, she found herself at a loss of where to start. She felt that whenever she let herself remember, she inevitably arrived at the conclusion that she was a terrible boss, unable to maintain a romantic relationship and still very much jumping at every loud noise.
Maggie and Hannah didn't seem to mind that she was such a mess. They included her in their daily lives as if it was normal for a distraught little sister to move in on short notice. Sharon's efficiency and general put-togetherness were legend in her family, but no one had commented on the fact that none of it remained these days. Maggie and Hannah knew about her pregnancy, which had been necessary, because otherwise they would have never stopped offering her red wine for dinner, but she hadn't told anyone else in her family. Even when Ricky and Emily had dropped by for a weekend, she had kept her silence. Sitting on the patio with them outside while eating Hannah's famous lasagna, she had been feeling almost normal. Her children knew that she had run into trouble in Los Angeles and that it had expedited her pending decision to take Maggie up on her job offer, but she kept the details to herself. If the pregnancy went further, she would have to tell them about Andy in some measure, but she wasn't ready for that either, because the mere thought of him made her heart contract ever so painfully.
"Draw up the papers, Steve!" Maggie called, addressing her realtor. "Sharon is taking it!"
The condo had sold almost immediately, which hadn't surprised Sharon since Los Feliz was a desirable location these days. Since there was no mortgage on it and she had cashed in some investments, buying the new house in Boston didn't set her back financially. It felt good to be independent, she thought. The first few years after Jack had left her had been tough when it came to matters of money and she had had to be creative to be able to pay back her debts and keep her family afloat at the same time. Never had she expected that ballet lessons could be that expensive. These days, she was well off and able to maintain a comfortable lifestyle. A shudder went through her when she remembered Andy's offer to move in with him and let him take care of her financially. The mere idea made her chest tighten.
"Lots of natural light, right?" Steve asked, coming to stand next to Sharon as well.
"It's alright, she's already sold on the house," Maggie said, elbowing him in the side playfully. Sharon looked at him and smiled. He reminded her of Christian a little with his boyish smile and unruly hair. She had once even had to tell her sergeant to get a haircut, because he had always been a little clueless that way. The memory hurt, just like they all did.
"It's just twenty-five minutes by car to the office from here," Maggie announced, consulting her phone. "That's pretty good for a suburb."
Sharon had fallen in love with the place the moment she had set foot in it. Currently vacant, it was like an empty canvass that was ready to be painted on. The living area was vast, one wall unrendered and brick-lined while the others were painted a pristine white. The original dark oak flooring was smooth and soft under her ballerinas. The best feature, however, was the glass wall that took up the entire back of the house, overlooking the garden and, beyond it, a small public park with a pond and a swing set. The place was also the perfect size for her needs with three bedrooms upstairs providing enough room for Ricky and Emily to stay whenever they liked and maybe, if things went well, to set up a nursery. The master bedroom with its glass wall would be hers, but the one right opposite would be perfect. She pushed the thought away again. No need to plan for something that might never come about. The room would also make a fantastic study with its abundance of natural light.
"Okay, guys, what about celebrating with a little lunch? There is a nice little restaurant just around the corner. Great ravioli, amazing chardonnay!" Steve suggested. "We could sit outside on the patio."
Maggie put her arm back around Sharon's shoulder. "You had us at chardonnay, darling."
Sharon was sitting at her new desk in her new office. Its glass walls, wooden floor and stylish furniture were quite a change from her LAPD-issued desk and shelves. The pantsuit had not been a good idea, she admitted to herself, as the waistband had become too tight. Her new doctor had told her as much this morning when she had encountered the angry red line during the ultrasound. Sharon still hadn't sorted through all of her clothes, but she promised herself to wear a dress the next day. She took out the ultrasound image she had been given and couldn't help but smile. At almost four months, her baby was developing well. She still couldn't quite believe that they had actually made it beyond the ever critical first three months. After one last look at the image, she quickly slid it into the envelope she kept handy. She had asked Maggie not to tell anyone at work yet, because she wanted to build a rapport with her team and find her way around her new position before introducing any private information into the mix. Maggie had honored her request, just as she had done with regard to the rest of their family. Sharon had a feeling that her mother had at least a suspicion, but Olivia O'Dwyer was not one to pry. She had always waited for her daughters to share their secrets without prompting them to. Sharon would never forget her obviously rehearsed surprise when Maggie had come out to her. She suspected that Olivia had known long before even Maggie herself had.
Sharon picked up a pen and wrote Andy's address. For a moment, she wondered whether she should include a note, but decided against it in the end. She didn't remember when she had decided to send him these pictures or why. Maybe it was the part of her that felt guilty for leaving him behind like that. He had been so good to her and so enthusiastic about the baby, so she felt like she needed to do something to let him know that it was still fine. She didn't know how she would let him know if something went wrong, but decided that she would cross that bridge when and if she came to it.
Dropping the envelope in the out-tray, she straightened up at a knock on the door. In filed her new small, but handpicked team. There were Julia, Tom and Sam, all young, bright and very good at what they were doing despite the fact that they had little practical experience. That was why Maggie needed someone like Sharon with leadership experience. She needed to make a team out of these three very different people, find and nurture their strengths and help them learn from their mistakes. So far, things were going well. Julia, Sharon had realized early on, was the smartest of the bunch with the most potential, but she did not know that. It was something Sharon often saw in smart women and she was determined to help Julia discover her strengths. Tom, on the other hand, was extremely good at seeing the greater picture while he sometimes lacked the patience for details. That, too, needed work. Sam was a good, productive member of her team, but, so far, lacked ambition. She would have to find a position for him that challenged him enough, but didn't go beyond what he was willing to do.
Sharon rose and sat at the head of the small conference table in the corner of her large office.
"Good morning, how are you today?"
Summer was gradually turning into fall, reminding Sharon how much she loved the smell of leaves and the first nightly chill in the spicy air. The glass wall at the back of her house provided beautiful views of the sky turning different shades of red and pink in the evenings and she enjoyed sitting in a chair on her deck, wrapped in her favorite cashmere blanket to watch night fall over the neighborhood. She had gotten friendly with her next door neighbors, a couple of doctors who liked to throw dinner parties. On the other side of the road lived an elderly couple. The woman was an artist and Sharon loved watching her paint in her studio in the garden. In Los Angeles, she'd always had Stella, but her job had been too busy and the city had been too anonymous for her to get to know her other neighbors. She missed her church in Los Angeles a little for the long history she shared with them. Father Thompson and his predecessor before him had both become her confidantes and the other mothers had helped her out when she had to work and needed someone to watch her small children. She also missed Sarah, whom she hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to. Only the previous week she had finally managed to tell her friend all about why she had left on such short notice over the phone. It had been easier than she had expected and Sarah was not one to judge even thought they both knew that there were some loose ends in Los Angeles that needed tying up at some point.
Sharon deeply inhaled the air. It felt so good to be off her feet. Maggie kept trying to talk her into giving up the high heels, but she kept ignoring her and her questionable fashion choices. Her team still didn't know about her pregnancy even though it was becoming almost impossible to hide it, so they were probably suspecting something. Telling her children had become inevitable and so she had sat them and her parents down one day and told them what they needed to know. She hadn't provided any details on Andy or on what had happened between them, just that it hadn't worked out. He hadn't responded to a single one of her letters even though she had begun to include little notes every now and then to tell him about their son's progress. She could feel him now and the movements were becoming more and more pronounced. Despite her best efforts, she was already so in love with him and when she was in the kitchen enjoying her morning coffee, she would stroke her stomach and tell him about the day in front of her.
Her mother had reached over the table and squeezed Sharon's hand when she had told them while her father had looked a little lost. He had only just recently gotten over the perpetual urge to murder Jack for what he had done to his little girl and grandchildren and now it seemed there was someone else to hate. Sharon tried her best to explain that Andy had done nothing wrong, but had found herself faced with the question where he was then and why she hadn't heard from him in months.
Ricky and Emily had taken the longest to warm up to the idea of another sibling. In fact, they still hadn't gotten around completely yet. Sharon couldn't blame them. It was a relief to have finally gotten that announcement out of the way and even though the rest of that evening had been awkward, she had enjoyed having her family around her. It felt so good to be able to just head down the street and join her parents for dinner whenever she felt like it. Or drop by Maggie's and Hannah's place and swim in the pool with them. Sharon had always liked Hannah, but had never been able to spend enough time with her in the past to really get to know her. That, too, had changed. Hannah was a lawyer specializing in family law and always had the best stories to tell. She had a fine sense of humor and a big heart and it delighted Sharon that her sister in law had already become a close friend.
She got up and headed inside. It was Hannah who had brought up the other issue that needed dealing with and Sharon sat down at her dining table that had become a makeshift desk. Over these past few months, she had grown to love her new job. Maggie was giving her complete freedom as how to put her team to work. This gave her the opportunity to design her own concepts and assign the roles to her team. While she had helped write the rules back in FID, they had also been a tight corset that she had had to operate within. She had always known how to work inside them and, if necessary, work around them, but it was also a relief not having to observe 72-hours reporting cycles anymore. She enjoyed conferring with clients who listened to her expertise and were happy with her when she gave them just what they needed. She had become a problem solver, a valuable asset to her clients as opposed to the person who was distrusted and disliked for her investigations and regarded as creating nothing but conflict whereever she went. Sharon had always believed in what she was doing in FID and had never been ashamed for it. She had gotten used to being disliked and for having to cut through a lot of red tape to get results, so she had completely forgotten what it was like to actually be appreciated, to be applauded after a presentation, to form professional relationships with people that actually turned out to be pleasant. Her team was also coming into their own and she loved to watch them thrive. She often took work home, not because she had to or because her life wasn't full of people she loved and spent time with, but because she liked it. It was a pleasure to look at a problem and then work out a way to solve it.
But today, the papers on the table were not work-related at all. She picked them up and regarded them, feeling slightly alienated. For some reason, this had never seemed to be an option before. Why, she couldn't really tell, because now it seemed like the most obvious thing in the world. Sharon sighed and picked up her pen, then opened the stack of papers at the first of several post it notes, indicating the places in which her signature was needed. She signed swiftly, hoping that Jack would do the same. She had never consciously decided to introduce herself to her new team as Sharon O'Dwyer. It had just slipped out on her first day and Maggie, though raising an eyebrow at it, had not commented on it. Maybe it was the fact that she was back home where she had grown up or maybe it was the fact that she had stepped into a completely new part of her life, but her maiden name suddenly seemed more fitting than her married one even though she hadn't used it in over twenty years. It had only been a small step from that to making it official.
Only when she had already made the decision to divorce Jack, she had begun to consider the issue of legal paternity. The last thing she wanted was for Jack's name to be on the birth certificate and it seemed only right for her son to have her last name. Recently, she had begun to think about first names, too, but that still scared the hell out of her, because referring to him by a name made the still looming prospect of losing him seem even worse.
It felt good to sign the last page and stick the documents into a manila folder. Hannah would take care of the filing and serving. Maybe it was unfair to blindside Jack like that without talking to him or explaining her reasons, but Sharon didn't feel guilty. They had been legally separated for so long that she had long stopped thinking of him as her husband. And, after all, Jack had never thought it necessary to talk to her before he made a decision that impacted their marriage. She wasn't bitter, however, she found with no small amount of surprise. Moving away had helped her assert her freedom. It felt good to be able to go whereever she wanted to go, to start fresh. It seemed to her that she was finally the one choosing what to do instead of just reacting to decisions other people made.
She sealed the envelope and placed it on the kitchen counter next to another one that was waiting to be sent, this one to the other absent man in her life. So far, it had seemed strange to use O'Dwyer on those, but today she had. She hoped it wouldn't seem to Andy like she was distancing herself even farther from the person she had been in Los Angeles, but it seemed wrong to use Raydor.
She remembered the look in his eyes when she had told him that she would leave and it hurt even after all this time. She couldn't deny that she loved him and sometimes she wondered whether she should have told him so. It had felt so good to hear the words from him back in the rain when he had wrapped her up in his arms and held on to her as if for dear life. There was no question in her mind that his feelings were genuine. But then she remembered that same look in Jack's eyes, that same passion and reminded herself that feelings weren't enough. Everyone knew how that had ended, after all.
Sharon knew Andy's past well. Some of it he had told her, most of it she had read in his file and remembered from back in the day. The idea of committing herself to someone who had done to his family exactly what Jack had done to hers seemed terrifying now. She had been so close to giving in, she had to admit. Andy had such a warm presence, had taken such good care of her. She fondly remembered the nights in his kitchen with her relaxing with a glass of wine and him cooking a meal for her while entertaining her with stories from work. She remembered how attentive he had been in the days leading up to her departure, always near to make sure she ate enough, drank enough, got some sleep. There had been no indication at all that he would do the same thing Jack had done, but she had never been able to get rid of that all-encompassing fear that he would. It had been easy to label the whole thing an affair. Getting up and driving home instead of staying the night had been a way of asserting her freedom. She hadn't let herself get too close to him, because a bit of distance helped keep her panic at bay.
The night she had taken the pregnancy test had broken down that much-needed barrier. Her hands had been shaking so badly that the stick had tumbled to the floor. She knew that technically it wasn't possible, but she also knew that sometimes fate would do that to you regardless. The idea of giving birth to another child had seemed absolutely terrifying back then, especially in the midst of that crisis. She had been torn between being terrified because someone was out to hurt her and being terrified because that child was Andy's and would inevitably bind her to him. Having a child together opened you up to a world of hurt if the other wasn't willing to play along. At least that was what Jack had taught her and the prospect of going through it all again, of trying to force another man to take responsibility for his child had made her want to run then and there. It didn't matter that Andy had never given a single indication that he did not want her or her child. It didn't matter that he had told her that he would never leave. It didn't matter that he seemed to have moved on and changed from the man he had been all those years ago. Every instinct inside her had been screaming to bring as much distance between them as possible in every way. Sharon had picked the pieces of her life up before and had put herself back together. She was strong, but she was not sure she would be able to do it again.
Why she was still sending the pictures, she did not know when he obviously wasn't interested in responding to her.
Emily's announcement that she had landed the part of the Sugarplum Fairy in The Nutcracker had come as a very pleasant surprise, because she had only just joined the cast of the New York City Ballet. It was a huge honor and Sharon's heart was exploding with pride. This was what her daughter had been working for since such a young age and her little girl's pure joy over the phone had brought tears to Sharon's eyes. She had just hoped that she would be able to be there for it, because her pregnancy was still progressing and she didn't know what she would feel like a few weeks.
To her surprise, Jack had signed the papers without a fuss and as of a week ago, she was officially divorced. It felt strange even though she hadn't worn her ring in years and hadn't seen Jack for months either.
She had finally told her team at work about her pregnancy when she had had to give up hiding it. Even though they were clearly not surprised, they had been graceful about it and they were currently working out how they would do without her for a while once she had given birth. They seemed a little afraid of the challenge because they had come to rely on her to give them direction, but she thought it would be good for them to be forced into spreading their own wings. Somehow working with them had given her back her confidence. While she had left Los Angeles considering herself a complete failure as a leader, her success with her new team had restored her faith in herself.
The little teddy bear dressed in Red Sox gear she had discovered on her desk the day after coming clean with them had made her laugh. Their mutual love of the Red Sox was what had first given these three very different young people on her team common ground and the present seemed like a very nice nod to that. She thought of Andy then, almost smiling at the fit he would throw if his son grew up liking the wrong baseball team.
And then that strange sadness that suddenly came over her out of nothing was back. Being away from LA and very busy helped to put him out of her mind, but when she thought of him, all that suppressed longing became almost unbearable. She wondered whether he sometimes thought of her as well. Andy Flynn was known for being a skirt chaser. Before she had grown closer to him, she had laughed with the others about the stories about his courting another far too young woman every month and seeming head over heels in love each time. She wondered whether he had already forgotten about her and found someone else. The idea hurt, but she couldn't blame him either.
Sharon picked up the phone, already dreading the call she was about to make. She had discussed the issue with her doctor who had been quite adamant.
"Hey Mom! Wait a sec, I am just walking out of rehearsal!" Her daughter's enthusiastic voice greeted her over the phone and she couldn't help but smile, thinking back to the little ballerina she had shuttled back and forth from practice and who had always been talking up a storm both ways. "Oh, I finally got that turn right today. You'll see when we premier next week, Mom. It is all just so beautiful."
Sharon smiled sadly. "About that, Emily. That is actually why I am calling you." She sighed. "I am not allowed to fly and given that terrible weather, I am not sure I can make the trip by car."
There was a beat of silence at the other end of the line that almost broke Sharon's heart. Then Emily cleared her throat. "Because of the baby, Mom?"
"Yes, my doctor says it is likely that he will come early, so she doesn't want me alone in a car for four hours and not on a plane either."
Sharon had never missed a single one of Emily's recitals, however small or unimportant, she had been there every time. And now that this was the first step towards what could be an international dancing career, she would have to stay away.
"Mom, no," Emily suddenly sounded years younger, almost close to tears. "I so wanted you to be here. Can't you ask aunt Maggie to come with you?"
"I already did. She and Hannah will be in Canada for a business trip and your grandparents can't make it either."
Emily sighed and Sharon sensed her disappointment. Neither of her children had completely warmed up to the idea of their new sibling yet and it would make matters worse that she wouldn't be able to attend because of him.
"Okay, I understand," Emily said in a hollow voice. "Look, Mom. I need to go, okay?"
"Okay," Sharon replied, trying very hard not to let Emily hear that she was close to tears and so very disappointed as well. "I love you, honey. You will do great!"
"Yeah, alright. Bye, Mom."
Sharon hung up and rubbed her stomach where the baby was pushing his foot out just below her ribcage. She got a lot of that lately and while it was uncomfortable, even painful sometimes, she loved pressing her fingertip against the little foot and feel him respond to her touch.
She was surprised to hear the doorbell ring through the silent house and checked her watch. Who would come over that late? One of her neighbors, maybe? She walked down the hallway and towards the front door and saw a dark shape standing in front of it through the tinted glass. It was vaguely familiar and her heart skipped a beat. She was so far away from Los Angeles and yet she hadn't quite been able to get over the feeling of being watched or followed. She shook her head. No, Richardson was in jail and no one else would probably bother to follow her to the other end of the country.
Her breath caught when she opened the door and found Andy there in a laughably thin coat, looking at her almost apologetically.
"Andy?"
And despite everything, her heart jumped at the sight of him.