A/N: So the timeline here is between 4.12 to early episodes of season five, some of the episodes in season 12 too. Lol. As I said, I don't really like how the story is like it was all Meredith's fault on why they broke up. As much as I love Derek, ha can be a complete ass. Also, he does not give any reason for Meredith to trust him. The guy ask her to help her out of his miser, which is very selfish of him as he know a lot had happened with Mer that day and still he chose to leave her cause he can't take complication. From the very start he should have known that what they had was complicated enough. Him married and keeping Meredith out of the dark with that, then drop her like a hot potato. He shouldn't pursue her in the first place and string her emotions when he and Addison were together then act like a puppy inlove and jealous boyfriend when he found out that Finn and Mer are going out. Then, Rose happen. I want Derek to feel the pain, on what Meredith had the moment she found out that he turned her into a mistress without knowing, and choosing not to fight what they had because he felt he that Meredith wasn't ready for what he wants.

Who gets to determine when the old ends and the new begins? It's not a day on a calendar. Not a birthday, not a new year. It's an event, big or small, something that changes us. Ideally it gives us hope. A new way of living and looking at the world. Letting go of old habits, old memories. What's important is that we never stop believing, we can have a new beginning. But it's also important to remember that amid all the crap are a few things really worth holding on to.

Chapter 5

MEREDITH

I woke up at exactly six o'clock pm from my phone's alarm, I got up immediately and left Alex's room immediately. I was about to walk up stairs when I saw Alex in the living room eating chips with Lexie.

"Hey, what time did you arrive?" I asked Alex.

"A little past two." He said not looking at me and focused in the TV.

"Were you able to see check the attic?"

"Yep, by the time I arrived the attic already looks like a decent room, after the cement dries, they will start to pain it. Oh, and look, they already fixed the wall you smashed." Alex responded but still not looking.

"Yeah, I can see that." I said and went straight upstairs to take a quick shower.

"I'm gonna leave now, Lexie, fix the bed after you use that okay?" I said and left the house.

By seven pm I arrived at the hospital lobby, elevator opened and saw Mark one of the people exiting the elevator, he looked up and smiled when he saw me. I smiled back and rolled my eyes at him.

"AH! Big Grey! Starting your day?"

"Yes, if you are going to sleep at my house, don't have sex at my bed Mark." I said while waiting for the rest of the people exit the lift.

"Yep, heard from Lexie, I'll be sleeping in Archfield for now." He said.

"Get a damn apartment Mark. Seriously or I'm going to charge you like how Archfield charges you." I entered the lift and saw that one of the people who is now waiting for Mark is Derek. I ignored him and continued talking to Mark until the lift doors closes.

"Seriously, take a day off from all the sex that you are getting, I swear to God, Mark, I will know." I said and scrunched my nose.

For the rest of the night, I spent my time doing post op checks in Dr. Bailey's patients and covering the PiT, I was doing that until morning where I did my rest of my remaining shift hours screening possible patients for the clinical trial. A little past 6 when I got paged by Dr. Nelson.

"Dr. Nelson you paged?" I said when I met him at the front desk. I placed the filed I was holding in the table above the charts.

"Ah yes, Dr. Grey, we need to update Dr. Shepherd every now and then about our clinical trial as he is the head of the department. He is asking for an update this eight am, you could just give him a brief summary for what we are going to do for the coming days." He said. "Also, give him files about our patients." He said and left. I knew this going to happen to I just nodded to everything he says as if it is not affecting my entire body.

After he left I went around the nurse station and picked up the files that I left earlier and sat to one of the available chairs and started scribbling the additional information that is needed to be added.

I turned my head up and saw Cristina and Izzie walking towards my direction. They stopped in front of the nurse station, Izzie with one cup of coffee in her right hand and a magazine, while Cristina placed charts at the front desk and also started writing things.

"My first day, my clinical trial, my baby, all grown up. Dr Nelson and I will start making the virus." I said.

"Yeah nobody cares about your clinical trial or you sick, sick, terminal patients, who'd probably rather be left for dead." Izzie said.

"You're just jealous." I said back.

"Well, yeah." Izzie admitted. I smirked with her reply.

"Anyone can come up with a clinical trial. I could come up with a clinical trial." Cristina banter back.

"Jealous." I said in a singy song.

"Not that I would matter, because the new Cardio God wouldn't sign off on it. I mean, he looks like a decent person but he really is not very much of a talky person and people person."

"Oh, I still have not seen the guy." I said back.

"Oh Mer, the guy is gorg." Izzie said.

"I'm gonna name him McHard. I mean have you seen his arms? I mean, not my type but just wanna see what is under those shirts." Cristina said as if imagining the man in front of her.

"Oh yeah, McHard is befitting in those arms." Izzie agreed while nodding.

I just rolled my eyes and tied my hair.

"Mer, can you use your sparkle pager to get me in Dr. Riggs surgery today? The guy is playing by the rules, really, he does not accept people who is not under his service for a day." Cristina said as she walked around my back.

"Which is supposed to be. Also, Cristina I can't even think about the sparkle pager, because my clinical trial starts today" I said and fixed my coat. As I am fixing my collar I saw Izzie's face scrunched up and pointed at my back.

"SPARKLE PAGER STEALER!" Izzie yelled. I felt Cristina hands in my pockets and tried to steal the sparkle pager which I immediately snatched away. "Okay, both of you need to just take a moment, dig down deep and you'll just discover when you do, you're truly happy for me that I have found my path in medical history." I said and left the place.

"I'm not happy for her" I heard Izzie said.

"Oh, Me neither." Cristina replied.

I just shook my head as I was heading to the elevator as I was called in the PiT.

When I arrived at the bay of the PiT I already saw Bailey, George, Alex and the other interns waiting for the ambulance waiting which can be heard that is coming closer.

The ambulance stopped and Alex listened on the paramedics giving details about the patient. The first patient arrived which is already dead and just needs someone to pronounce him.

"Oh crap. " I heard Alex said.

I waited for the next ambulance with Dr. Bailey and George.

"Nancy Walters, thirty four years old and thirty five weeks pregnant, complete amputation. Pressure dressing applied. Two large bore I.V.s started." Paramedic said.

"Did he say "arm"? My arm is gone?" Nancy asked.

"Ah Miss Walters, you're gonna be okay." Dr. Bailey said. "Grey, check the wound." I moved to the side and checked the wound that is covered with lap pads. I lifted it up and saw the injury.

"I really need my arm."

When we saw the extent of the injury we all rushed in inside of the PiT. I asked one of my interns to page Dr. Sloan and I went straight to ask for an ultrasound to check the baby's condition, and sighed of relied when we all heard the heartbeat of the baby.

"What do you got for me?" Dr. Sloan asked while putting gloves.

"Nancy Walters, complete amputation."

"The baby looks fin but she's having contraction." George said.

"Hi, Nancy, I'm Dr. Sloan, do you mind if I take a look?" Mark said and checked the arm that was amputated. "Hang antibiotics, and put on sterile, moist dressing. Do we have an arm?" He asked me.

"They are looking for it."

"My baby has no father. He's already down with two arms. He's really needs me to have an arm." Nancy said.

Mark took a deep breath and said. "Get me that arm."

I nodded and asked one of the intern to admit the patient and do the things that Mark said.

I went straight at the front desk of the PiT and tried calling some paramedics to look in for the arms.

I felt someone walks behind me which I ignored as the paramedics started talking to me. I was listening when I turned to my left and finally saw the person that is actually walks behind me and now staring at me now boldly, smirking, watching me as I talked on the phone. I shifted my eyes and looked at the right side where George is now standing, scribbling down on Nancy's chart.

"Uhuh, can you please just call us if you see the hand? I'll get there if I have to. Just please, look for the arm. Okay, bye." I said and put down the phone. "Is that Nancy's chart?" I said to distract myself from the person who is now at my back.

"Uhuh." George said lazily and not looking up.

We heard somebody cleared his throat, and George and I both looked up and turned around to see Derek is smirking to the both of… more of me as he is looking at me.

I looked at him quizzically, my eyes asking him what does he wants.

"Dr. Grey, can I talk to you in a second?" Derek finally spoke.

"Is this about the information about the patients in the clinical trial? Dr. Nelson said it will be in eight." I said.

"This is somehow about the clinical trial. Yes." He said.

I nodded and guide him into one of the trauma room. Before I enter, I looked behind and saw George looking at me waving the pager as if telling me if he wants me to page me out of the situation. I just shook my head off to stop him and just nodded and pointed that he will stay in his place and will not leave until I leave. I nodded and entered the room.

"Why is it that it was Dr. Nelson and not me that you proposed the clinical trial to? Mr. Robinsons was my patient." Derek said.

"When we first handed to you the case of Mr. Robinsons you did not even try to think to do the other way around. You just flat out dismiss it. I asked for a second opinion and while Dr. Nelson also told that it was inoperable he actually gave some input about the clinical trial he read about these cases. So I did what I have to do. He was the one who age the idea about it." I said flat out.

"Is this just about it? Nothing more?" Derek sighed. W

"What could it be possibly more?" I asked back.

He sighed and shook his head and look straight into my eyes. I look back not backing down.

"Mer, could we please talk?"

"About what?"

"Us."

"There is no "us" anymore."

"Could we please at least be friends? Are we just going to forget all the things we've been through?"

"No offence, but you of all people should not be asking me about that." I shoot back

"Tell me, why can't we be friends?"

"We already talked about this, I did that, if you don't remember, I DID that." Emphasizing the did. "And it just gave me painful memories. Just stop it. We were okay this past months, let's just keep it as it is. This is what you want, right?" I said and left the room.

"What do you mean this is what I want? What I want is us, but you are not ready for it."

"You know what….. let it be." I said looking at his eyes. I felt my eyes getting misty but trying so hard not to cry in front of him. I turned around and about to leave the door when he said something.

"Go ahead, run. Like what you always do! That's where you are great at!" He said. I felt a tear drop from my eyes when he finished talking. I swipe off my tears that are about to be drop and turned around at him angry.

"You! You don't get to say that to me! Between the two of us right now Dr. Shepherd. "I said while looking into his eyes.

I felt my heart tugged as I am dying to touch his face but tried so hard to stop myself and just tried to be brave. I left the room and felt my heart is heavy from the talk we had but I felt that somehow along the way, a piece of it was remove. I smiled weakly and looked up and saw George waiting for me. I smiled weakly at him, gestured him to follow me. I told him that I have an appointment with Dr. Wyatt and page me if the arm is found.

I decided that this is the last session that I will be having.

As the therapy goes by, I have more understanding on what is Dr. Wyatt is saying to me, she wanted me to actually understand that every action has consequences and just trust and listed to what I think. I have brushed with deaths a lot of times and have now realized the value of life not just for myself but also for the people around me. I have realized that my mother didn't actually want to die. Loves me in her own way. She wanted be to be extraordinary. With all the realization I felt that the burden was lifted.

I cried for a while in front of Dr. Wyatt and stand up after a while with dry and smiling face. I was about to go out and opened the door when she started talking again.

"Just remember Meredith, horrible things happen. Happiness in the face of all that—that's not the goal. Feeling the horrible, and knowing that you are not gonna die from those feelings. That's the point. And you are not done. You've made progress because you're feeling and you're telling me about it. Six months ago it would've been just you and a bottle of tequila. My doors are always open Meredith." She said and closed the door.

I looked at my watch and saw that it is five minutes to 8. I went straight to the elevator and asked the front desk nurse if she know where Dr. Shepherd is. She told me that he talked to Chief and must be in Chief's office still. I was in the pathway when I saw him exited Chief's office.

I took a deep breath and tried to forget what we had talked about earlier and tried to remember what Dr. Wyatt and I talked about.

"Dr. Shepherd, uhm, Dr. Nelson said to give you a brief summary of our patients and first patient." I said after running after him and now walking with him. He stopped in dead tracks and looked at his watch, I saw his brows rise a bit and nodded.

"Walk with me." He said.

"Okay, uhm, first wave of patients will 2 weeks from now…" I started giving him information and while walking, we bump into Cristina which is looking at me like mocking. I ignored her look and we stopped track when we arrived at the front desk. After giving him brief information I presented him the files which contain full information about the cocktail virus that Dr. Nelson will use and information about the patients.

"Thank you Dr. Grey." He said and accepted it. He asked one of the nurses about a chart the he will minimally invasive end nasal endoscopic surgery which made me turn my head.

"Oh, you'll have that?" I asked. He raised his head and smiled a bit as I learned my interest about the surgery.

"Yeah, you want to scrub in? I still don't have a resident for it" He said and lean towards me a bit.

"Oh no, I'm just thinking maybe George could scrub in, he will be retaking his intern exam and it will be great if he could scrub in." I said but I really want to scrub in the procedure.

"Oh, George will retake his exam? That's good news. You sure you don't want to scrub in?" I smiled at him, genuinely for the first time in a while, I never thought that my first true smile after we broke up will be with him.

"No. My shifts about to end." I said, and walk around the station and started typing in the computer. I saw from my left side that Cristina is walking towards us with charts on her hands.

"Hey Mer, will you be having breakfast with us?" She said while handing off the charts to the nurses, Ignoring Derek who is still staring at me and watching me and Cristina, no longer writing.

"No, have to check the house. And I'll eat somewhere." I said.

"Oh, you gonna meet the stranger?" Cristina said a little loud.

"Shut up." I just said. And shoot Cristina some dagger looks.

"George can scrub in, if you like?" Derek said breaking the eye contact Cristina and I having.

"Really? That would be great Dr. Shepherd." I beamed and asked one of the nurses if he she could page George in here. When I turned around I still see Derek looking at me. I broke the eye contact and looked at Cristina who is watching us.

"You'll cook dinner tonight? George said he'll eat dinner at your house because you will be cooking." Cristina said.

"Yep, Italian, bring some wine Cristina, you've been living in our house and eating our food." I said jokingly.

"Hey, Mark is practically living at your house but I don't hear it you saying that to him."

"Mark is living at your house? How that happened?" Derek but in, in which I and Cristina ignored.

"Yeah, that's why I said to him I'll start charging him like how the Archfield's charge him."

"Why is Mark sleeping in your house Mer?" Derek said in more demanding voice. I looked at him annoyingly and was about to reply when Cristina talked again.

"Uhm excuse me, are we talking to you?" Cristina snapped.

"Lexie and Mark has been seeing each other for more than a month now, you didn't know?" I asked back.

"No, Mark didn't say anything."

"Yah, boohoo. Poor Dr. Shepherd don't know anything that's been going on with his best friend's love life and ex-girlfriend's current life because they broke up" Cristina said sarcastically.

"AH, George!" I exclaimed breaking the tension that is being build up.

"You paged me?" George said.

"Yeah, Dr. Shepherd here will be doing minimally invasive end nasal endoscopic surgery, he said you can scrub in, I can assign other intern for Nancy. Use this as a practice for your intern exam." I informed smiley.

He nodded and walks towards Derek who is still looking at me and Cristina.

Alex entered the booth and took one of the charts in Cristina's pile.

"Riggs said I get to scrub in CABG. I've been looking for this, I'm supposed to do the pre-ops. I'm under his service for the rest of the week. Stop getting his charts." Alex exclaimed and sat on the chair near me. "Mer, Lexie's room is done when I left, living room is done. They are now starting the extension" Alex informed me not looking.

I just nodded and looked down at my watch and saw that it is close to nine. I fixed my hair, I can still feel Derek's eyes lingering at me and trying my best to ignore it. I stood up at my seat and about to leave when I turn around to George who is now reading the chart that Derek handed off to him.

"George! Dinner later okay?"

"Yeah, thanks Mer! You leaving?"

"Yeah. See you at home."

I said and left the place.

I quickly changed to my clothes and left the residence lounge. I was waiting for the elevator when Derek stood beside me. I sighed, he is just everywhere, and I am on night shift. God.

I ignore his presence, and just continue staring at the doors. When he turned around and about to speak I quickly took my phone from my bag and just busied myself from it.

I heard the elevator ding and I entered the lift. Faith really works in a weird way or whatever because for what reason, we are all alone in this tiny box. I pushed the ground floor and just trying to stare at the doors.

The lift stopped at the fourth floor and Lexie entered alone.

"Hey Mer, Hi Dr. Shepherd." Lexie greeted. I nodded in acknowledgement. "You cooking dinner?"

"Yes, I'll cook dinner."

"You are cooking?" Derek butt in. "When did you learn to cook? Do you want to burn the house?"

I still ignored him again and just looked at Lexie. The lift stopped at the third floor great. Mark entered the room another great. Can this elevator fit more people?

"Big Grey! Little Grey!"

"Heard from Yang that you will cook dinner?" Mark asked.

"Yes."

"I'll get to taste the famous Italian that Lexie has been talking this entire morning."

"She's cooking? What in the world is happening?." Derek asked Mark.

"Yes, she learned like two months ago?"

"Mark!" Lexie said angrily.

"What?, he knows now. He texted me asking when did Meredith learned to cook, right before I entered this lift." Talking as if I'm not here.

"When did she learn to cook? How many times did the house got almost burned up?"

"Oh no, she was planning to surprise you that she now knows how to cook, you know, for you to know that she is trying to commit, but then right before she could surprise a dinner, you called her a fraud and kissed a nurse who is now you are dating." I tried not to look at Mark and tried to stop myself from kicking him right in his balls by what he just said.

"MARK! THAT'S IT! You are so not going to be at dinners" Lexie said after a moment of silence.

"What? He asked." Was all Mark could say after he felt the tension that was building up.

I tried to get out of the picture as quickly as possible when the elevator doors opened and ignored Derek's questioning look. I went straight to the parking lot and drive to Aces Tavern.

When I entered, I immediately saw the guy I was looking for at the right in the middle. I slammed my bag in the table and asked for a bottle of beer and menu. Mike gave me a beer and I just jugged it straight and asked for another one. I tried to distract myself from reading the menu. When he cleared his throat.

"Well, hello to you too." He said. Before I replied, I told Mike my order.

"I'm sorry, I just had a tough day. This day is hard."

"What happen?"

"HE happened. He is so passive aggressive! One he is angry then the next thing he is super nice. Ugh!" Frustrated voice is etched to me. "In my head, I keep repeating what you said. I'm not going to invest hatred, anger, resentment in this person anymore. But he just keep pushing it every time I see him, and every time I see him happy with her makes me want to get up from my seat and slap him real hard. And shout at him, hit him! How could he do that to me? Twice! Twice!" I said and drank another beer the Mike placed. I planned on finishing this in one go but this stranger just snatch it away.

"STOP!"

"THAT WAS MY BEER!"

"This is supposed to be a brunch! Stop drinking at brunch." He said in a calming voice that made me relax and ease.

I took a deep breath and nodded. "You are right. I have to stop."

"Now can we eat, tell me about your day, you don't have to talk about work, whatever your work is." He said. He don't want to talk about work 'cause he knows it might affect my mood.

The rest of the week went by fast, me trying ignore any possible gossip that has been going around in the hospital, like me trying to went ahead Derek's head cause the first trial patient was the patient we had. Them talking about Derek and Rose, as much as possible I don't stand or try to stay in the halls cause all I can hear is them.

Pity glances from the other people, and smirking glances from other nurses. I tried to avoid Rose too as much as possible because the last time we talked or she talked to me was not a good topic.

He is selling the land were we supposed to grow old, have kids, and all. I wish I could but that land. That land was beautiful.

Every after shift I do brunches with the stranger guy who is nice enough to entertain while I bitch and moan about life, while he does the same about his co-workers which I am amused cause one of the people he likes but would not like to say he likes her work because he said, her head might explode from compliment if he gave her that fits Cristina's character.

I was in the middle of my shift when I got page for a trauma.

"Trauma one ."

"Alright talk to me. I said." I entered the trauma room and saw an old man with white hair lying in the bed, I immediately ask for the

"Larry Shain Dickerson, 28, presenting of chest pain. Fainted in the scene."

"Okay, let's page cardio please. Hi, I'm Dr. Grey." I said and did a full work up on him. I was listening to his chest when a man entered the room after a few minutes.

"All right what do we got." He said which I immediately reacted and looked up. To see the man that I am awfully familiar with. My eyes went big when I saw him, he also stop walking and looked at me in the eyes shoked as well when Nurse Tyler called my name.

"Dr. Grey, cardio is here. Dr. Nathan Riggs." I turned to Nurse Tyler. I snapped out of it and looked for the chart.

"Larry Shain Dickerson, 28, presenting of chest pain. Fainted in the scene. Presented with lateral S.T. elevations and reciprocal inferior changes, consistent with and M.I. which could indicate that he had a heart attack, but whit his age it is very unlikely so I asked for an ECO and I think we should run some more test." I said nonstop still not looking at him, I felt him move around and went to the right side of the patient.

"Okay, good call. As what Dr. Grey said Nurse Tyler." He said as he removed the gloves, I handed him the chart still not looking. Nurse Tyler looking at me with weird eyes. He signed the papers and gave it to Nurse Tyler.

I left the room after and went to the supply closet to get the things that we need to do the work up when someone entered the room.

"You work here?" Stranger said who is now have a name in my world which is Nathan Riggs.

"You are Nathan Riggs? Our new Cardio God?" I said back.

"How come I didn't see you?"

"Who is your friend?"

We keep questioning each other, still, no one answers each question.

"Hold up, the person that you are talking about works here? Oooh, gossip." He said and smirked at me, I smiled and rolled my eyes." How come I didn't see you? I am already here for a week, I have seen all the residents… oh you are the one who works at night shift! Bailey said someone is working in the night shift!" I left the room and him following me all through the trauma one to do the work up.

"Yeah." Was all I said.

"You are Meredith Grey. " He said in conclusion.

"Yeah."

"What, is that what all you are going to say? From what I remember this morning, you can't stop bitching about the world and won't stop talking, and now, all you can say is Yah?" He said while helping me to the central line.

"I'm in shock, I don't even know what to feel. And this is my fault! I didn't ask for our name, where you work, where you live. I should've learn from the past. Why don't I ever learn! Ugh!" I said after I did a blood draw. "Wait, you said you shift ends at nine, it's past one am. What are you still doing here?"

"I have a patient, I need to monitor so I stayed. So did you eat your dinner/lunch already?"

I smiled in response. I left the room and handed Tyler the blood to give it to lab.

"No, I have not eat my dinner/lunch yet."

"Really? What a coincidence then, I have not had my dinner/lunch yet." He said with a fake shock face.

"Because you are supposed to be sleeping now, you are not the on call Dr. for cardio, I was expecting Russell not you.

"So, you don't want to eat?" Giving me the pouty sad face.

"Shut up." I said looking at him smiling.

"I'm just saying, let's have dinner, no people in the cafeteria, perfect opportunity to bitch and moan, you get to do that even in midnight!"

I laugh and agreed to him. I went to my cabby to take my packed dinner that I cooked earlier tonight and met him in the cafeteria in which he was right because we were the only one in it right now.