A/N: Callie and George are friends here even after the divorce. I love MerDer but I don't really like the ending o season 4, I hate that it was only Meredith's problem that was addressed. Obviously Derek is half to blame with what happened to them, but in the story and ending of season 4, it seems like Meredith was the only damaged in the relationship when it is clearly not.

Chapter 7

Great surgeons aren't made, they're born. It takes gestation, incubation, sacrifice. A lot of sacrifice. But after all the blood and guts and gooey stuff is washed away, that surgeon you've become? Totally worth it. Giving birth may be all intense and magical and stuff, but the act itself is not exactly pleasant. But it's also a beginning of something incredible, something new, something unpredictable, something true, something worth loving, something worth missing, something that will change your life forever.

DEREK

She was giving me the details of the first patient of their clinical trial. And was trying to be nice and cold to her.

"Okay, start while where walking." I said and started to walk in the pathway when she started giving brief information about the first patient.

"Name is Mr. Robinson, his Karnofsky score is still 80, and CBC and liver enzymes are good." She said.

"Well that's better than expected."

"I know"

"Better doesn't mean good. I don't want you getting emotionally involved with these patients. I don't want you getting your hopes up." As much as I want to be cold and professional about this conversation, I am concerned about her as I know how she get attached to a patient special if she already bonded with them, which is the case of Mr. Robinsons.

"My hopes are not up"

"Alright, then, Dr. Grey, I hope good outcome is nearby." I said and asked her hand for a hand shake.

"Okay. Any questions Dr. Shepherd?" She asked but before I could reply someone greeted us from a distance.

After a quick greetings from Addison I went to the pit as I got age when I saw our new Cardio Attending and Trauma Attending in trauma one. I gave them quick assessment with the patient and cleared it for surgery.

"So, how was your first week here so far Dr. Riggs?" I asked as I am handing the charts to the the nurse in PiT.

"So far, unexpected twist and turns."

"Well, you'll get used to it eventually." I said and nodded at him and left the PiT after that conversation.

I went straight to the surgical floor where I saw Mark and Addison talking nside the conference room. I walked in on them talking about me and Meredith. Mark smirked at me and I just sighed as I know what is about to happen. I sat one of the chairs and picked up a string and trying to played.

"You broke up with Meredith Grey?" Addison asked I just sighed and nodded.

"Well, we're doing a clinical trial together if that makes you feel better. Not together, more like supervising it and I approved it as the head of the Neurosurgery" I responded not looking at her and just looked up at the ceiling.

"Derek, I hugged her ... hugged her ... and you're not even together with her anymore?" She stood up in front of me with both hands on her hips. "What the hell happened?" She continued. I just looked at her in response.

"He is just being stupid." Mark interjected. I scoffed in response at that. "He is pretending to himself that he is okay. Convincing that "hey, if I do this maybe she'll realize and come around", oh trust me Derek, she realized. A lot." I looked at him questioningly at that. He ignored me and just continued doing his thing.

"Derek, what happened?" Addison asked me again. When I didn't responded with her question she seems like give it up when she asked me with another question. "Tell me about the clinical trial."

I smiled a little and responded "Well, if it doesn't go well, I just approved mass death"

"Okay, seriously, Derek, what are you doing?"

"I'm seeing somebody else. She's lovely. She's really lovely." She looked at me in shocked and looked at Mark again.

"And you let this happen?" Addison asked Mark.

"For the record, I can't control that man, and second, I've told him a dozen of times but he won't listen. Addie, you know him. He will not realize he is sinking until he is sinking. And I don't even like the girl." Mark continued. "Please, I don't even know what he saw in her. Maybe because she is the complete opposite of Meredith? The girl who has issues versus the girl who does not have issues with life and ready to commit."

Addison walked out on that. I just looked at Mark and sighed. I laughed sarcastically. "All you need to do is get to know her." I got up and was about to leave the room when I remember something.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"What? Do you want me to know who I like better? Mer or the nurse? Of course Meredith."

"Not that, Is Meredith seeing someone?" I pulled the gun with that question. He stopped with what he is doing and looked at me in the eye.

"The last time I talked about Meredith's personal life with you, I almost got kicked out of the house. SO no, I will not answer that. For the sake of both of us." He just said.

"What do you mean, for the both of us?"

"Nothing…"

I left the place thinking about the conversation I had with Mark, I went to the coffee cart inside of the hospital where I saw Bailey buying her own coffee.

"Ah, Dr. Bailey, let me pay for that." I handed the money to the guy and said my order.

"You don't have to do that but thanks anyway." She said and walked out. I picked up my coffee. I immediately followed her to the elevator.

"Can I ask you something?" I ask her while walking.

"Shepherd, if this is about my intern, shut it."

"So, you made your side."

"No, I did not. I just care, which I should not but she made me care, and if I care for her that means, my priority is her feelings not yours, Shepherd." She said in dismissal tone.

"Yep, you made your side." We entered the elevator when she pressed the 3rd floor and the emergency button. I sighed as I know I will get another lecture.

"That girl went through a lot, I don't know if you are aware, but that girl's mom died, step mom died, and she almost died. All in one year. Shepherd, and please let us not add up the things you did. I don't want to judge you but the actions that you have been making recently makes me want to." She stopped talking and looked at me in the eye, both hands on the side of her hips, shaking her head. "Did you know that when Tuck had that accident, she offered to stay, and she did. Now, the next day, I heard from the staff, that you dated a nurse when this past few weeks, you two look so deeply in love and like in heat rabbits even though you two deny that you are still together." She paused and then continued. "I don't know what you are thinking when you did that, but Meredith, she has been through a lot, and I don't know how she can handle those things on her own, and she has been strong holding herself together. And know, I can say, and see, that she is fine, truly. Not Meredith Grey fine, but fine in the sense of fine. And you have a girlfriend. Everyone is aware of that and looks like aside from you." She ended. She pressed the button.

"Bailey." I said before she get out of the elevator. She turned around and raised her eyebrow. "What am I gonna do?"

"You don't hurt the people you love on purpose Shepherd, making a point by hurting her will not get you to anything. A relationship full of ultimatum that is not love." She said and left.

I sighed and walked out of the elevator headed to the nurse station and asked for the chart on one of my patients. I was writing something when Rose walked in and leaned towards me.

"Okay, the sex—I thought that was mind-blowing myself, but I get the impression that you had a really bad time." She said.

"What? "

"Why are you avoiding me?"

"I'm—I'm sorry. I-lost a patient. I'm not trying to avoid you." I reasoned out.

"So not calling me after the sex is you being a dedicated lifesaver?

"it is" I agreed.

"So I'll see you later?" I nodded and she left.

I continued writing when Mark appeared out of nowhere.

"You didn't call her? My god, end it for god sake. If she founds out who you were thinking while having sex" He laughed and shook his head.

I was on my way out to meet Mark and Addison to have dinner, waiting for the elevator to open, and when it opened, I entered and heard someone running towards it. Which is Meredith, I greeted her but she seems not to have seen it as she walks past me when she saw which floor I pressed and stood at my back, when the doors is about to be close, Addison entered and followed by Rose. Rose stood at my side clutching her bag, I turned around to see Meredith but she is just looking at floor. It was awfully quiet when someone's phone ring.

I turned around faced the elevator doors and as much as I don't want to admit, I listened to Meredith's conversation.

"I am on my way at Joe's" She said. ""Cristina, will bite my ass if I don' show up." I can actually see her rolling her eyes as she said that and it made me smile. The elevator doors opened and it made me sigh when I saw who entered. Meredith said her goodbye to whoever she was talking to when Mark leaned in to me and whispered.

"Bet you wish you have chosen the stairs… right about now." I nodded slightly in reponse.

"Addie, until when are you staying here?" Mark asked.

Addison said that she will be staying until Monday night and that Meredith is now cooking, and will host a birthday party for her sister. As much as I am happy that she is now bonding with her sister and getting closer, it just hit me more that I don't know anything about Meredith Grey now. So much have change ever since we broke up. And it is hurting me that I only get to know it from other people. I sighed as I listened more. She invited Addie, more of Mark to the birthday dinner.

"Sure, you can bring a date if you want." Meredith said. I was about to ask her if I can join the dinner, as much as a thick face when I remember that Rose is with us.

When the elevators opened she said goodbyes to the two and immediately left the place.

The rest of us hop off when Rose approached me.

"I'm sorry, I can't join you tonight. I just got page and they did surgical nurse for Dr. Ryce." I just nodded and let her leave. I walk towards where Mark and Addison is standing watching Meredith leave the premises. I watch her leave.

"Let's go." Mark said. We went to Joe's a few moments later.

We entered Joe's and looked around to see Callie waiting for us in the corner. She waved at us and walked towards her table when I saw Meredith walking towards her friends table after ordering drinks. She went towards George and grab some darts from his hands.

I ordered my drink and just watched Meredith, not listening to the guys talking besides me. I watched her laughed, smile and give jokes to her friends. I have not seen this in the hospital, the change, when I am around I know her guards are up. She is strictly professional. I have seen her interact with her friends before, but not like this. It seems that she have change. Free, the giggles that I miss every time I gave jokes, the smile she gives, the hair that keeps falling that makes me want to walk towards their table and help her put in in her ears, her hands that are soft as a cotton that makes me want to hold it forever. I followed her every move, not caring if being obvious about it. I followed her with my eyes when she walks up and entered the bathroom.

"Talk about obvious eye stalking Derek." Addison said. I turned my eyes for a bit to her and sighed.

"Seriously Shepherd, stop it." Mark said.

"You said something earlier, am I missing something Mark?"

"About what?"

"I asked you if Meredith is seeing someone, and you said "For the sake of both of us" what does it mean?"

He looked at me and sighed. I was about to ask him to continue when I heard Cristina shouted Owen Hunt's name. I turned around and saw a scene that I did not expect.

Owen was with his friend and our new Cardio head, Nathan Riggs, a man from military who just arrived a weeks ago. What I saw is something crushed me. They walk towards Meredith table, Nathan Riggs, walks toward her and stood in front of her. Meredith who is obviously drunk looked shock while looking at him, I tried to listen with whatever they are talking but not working as I don't hear a thing. I watched as he brushed Mer's hair that keep falling from her ears, the thing I've been dying to do since I can remember, Meredith scrunched her nose in response to whatever Nathan said, which I know how adorable she looks like every time she do that. He greeted the rest of Meredith's friend. They look all close which baffles me. I was trying to process this when he leaned towards Meredith, I felt something in my eyes fall.I am crying. Meredith raised her hand, it seems to order something, but he grab Mer's hand. The hands that I have been dying to hold, the hands I always want to hold until we are old. I never admitted it until today. Until I see what is happening in front of me.

I'm drowning.

Drowning and I don't know how to get up. She seems that she is happy without me. The jealously crippled in my entire body. I always thought she'd comeback, tell me that all she found was misery and she can't live without me. That, she'd realize that for whatever, she is ready to face anything with me. But now, it struck me that it seems what I did was pushed her. Pushed her far away and seems no coming back.

I did not notice for a while when Addison handed me a tissue.

"Derek." I was crying for a while now.

I did not respond to her and avoided the scene that is happening in front of me.

"When did this happen Mark?"

"I…I just learned this today from Cristina, but I heard, that she has been seeing this guy like for weeks now. I thought she was just seeing some guy didn't know that it has been weeks. Someone saw her with a guy while watching a game last Saturday. It's all over the hospital Derek. I though you already heard. I'm sorry man." I nodded and looked again in Meredith.

I watched how Meredith giggled and looks comfortable in front of him, as if they've known each other for a while, her affections towards him seems to be something more. She brushed the guys hair and tried to grab it and laughed. Nathan grab Meredith's hair who is now obviously drunk, he whispered something to her.

"They, uh, kind of know each other before Nathan started working here." Callie said while watching what is happening. "I heard it from George earlier."

"This is what I've been saying to you. You thought you moved on but ou are not, you are running away Shep. When things get hard you run, and before you realize it, you might lose her. Or you already loose her.

"I though what I'm doing was for the best for us. For me." I rambled. I turned around and saw them about to get up. Meredith handed her bag to Nathan's which she usually do to me. Nathan accepted it and picked out Meredith car keys as if he done it before.

I watched her turned her eyes to her sister, Lexie shooked her head in response to Meredith's question and waved at our table. Saw Mark got up from his sit and about to walk towards Lexie when he turned around.

"At least now you know. The next question is. What are you gonna do about it? Be stupid or face this?"

I looked at him and turned my eyes past him and saw Meredith grab Nathan's arm, asking for support as she stood up. Watched her leaned toward him, asking for support.

"For whatever reason you broke up with her. I hope it is worth it. Cause I admit, that kind of love you guys had, is so far from what we had. I backed away cause I know that and saw that Derek. And if what you have with that Doe-eyed nurse is far more better with what you had with Meredith, I'm okay, but if not. I don't know." Addison said and left with Callie. I just watched Meredith leave the premises with Nathan holding her arms.

I sighed and ordered another drink.

It was midnight when I realized where I drove. I was in front of her house drunk. I saw her car in front. A little while later, a car stopped in front of it and Meredith hop off of it. She waved at Riggs and went inside. She looks sober now. My mind went off to where they could possibly went. It was already hours when they left Joe's. I punched my car in frustration with the thought. I have no right, I brought this to myself.

I left the place and went back to the hospital as the last trip to ferry already left. I slept in one of the on call rooms and took a shower in attending's lounge. The next day, I saw Mark and Addison in the cafeteria when Rose walks in front of me. I sighed and forced a smile on her.

"You didn't text me when you arrived home." She said.

"I uh, slept here. Too drunk to drive so I just stayed here for the night." I said.

We had lunch together. I left immediately after having lunch with her and said that I have a surgery. I went straight to my office to clear my head when Addison entered the room.

"So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna let her go, or fight for what you guys had?"

"I don't know Addie. I have never seen her this happy since we broke up. What if I ruined it again. I know now that it is my fault. And I don't know how I could undo it. I love her, but I don't want to admit it to myself that I am at fault too. And now, I realized. I thought it was just her fault, so I pushed her. I waited for the other shoe to drop. I didn't tell her about Rose, I told her that she is a fraud. I keep doing things that will hurt her. And I don't know how to undo it."

"So, start with breaking things off with that Doe-eyed girl."

"I know, and this is unfair to Rose, I've been assuring her that I moved on about Meredith, I thought I was, until I saw her with another man's arm. That was hard to watch and just thinking about it just crushed me. I am enrage, knowing that there is another man that can make her smile, laugh, and have the right to hold her. And I am the one who did that. I am the reason why she is not with me anymore."

"Well, I heard the story from Callie and Mark, and Derek, from what I heard, this is worst. The girl forgave you for keeping a secret with you having a wife, making her a mistress without knowing, even though your relationship status that time was a blur, she still have the right to know if you are kissing someone. What would you feel if she did that to you? What if she kissed someone, and then the next day, she is planning your house, then hours later, you found out she is kissing some nurse in the scrub room, and worst you have to hear it from a friend? Would you just shake it off?" She stopped for a while and put her hands on her hips. "Derek, when you found out that she was dating the vet you went ballistic and practically called her a whore when you have no right to judge her." I was shocked that she know it, I was about to speak when she raised her hands to stop me. "Don't ask how I found out. Well, how would you react, if she did that?"

I sighed in defeat and got her point. We fell into a silence for minutes when she sighed.

"I have this dinner tomorrow night, and the person that invited me said I could bring a date. So, do you want to be my date?" She asked. I looked at her and smiled. "I will only bring you if, you made your decision. You can't string people Derek just because you are unsure with your feelings. It will be unfair to that Doe-eyed nurse and Meredith that is if you still have a chance"

"I know what I want now. I am sure. And have no plans of backing out." She nodded and left the room.

I texted Rose and asks her to meet me.

MEREDITH

I woke up from the alarm that I set it five thirty am. The person beside me groaned. I laughed a little.

"Turn the damn thing off Mer." Cristina said and put the pillow above her head.

I giggled and turned off the alarm. I went straight to my bathroom to change into jogging attire. I decide to change some routine in the morning by jogging, especially that this week my shift is back to normal.

"You are not gonna last Mer. I'm telling you." Cristina said after taking a peak.

"Shut up, support me on this." I said and left the room. I jogged for an hour and went to the grocery store to buy some ingredients for this morning.

Time went by and I started cooking, one by one guest arrived. First guest was Nathan and Owen bringing some wine. I smilled at Nathan when he entered the kitchen. Followed b Callie who is now friend with Izzie more like civil. Dr. Bailey, Chief Webber and Thatcher Grey.

"Wow, saw the change you did in the living room.

"You only been here like twice, and you notice that?" I said while mixing the salad.

"Well, to be honest, I stayed for a while to clean up your mess. So I have to go around the house."

"Yeah yeah." Doorbell rang again and he offered to open the door. I heard him greeted him and assumed it was Addison with her date. I walked towards the table we set up in the middle.

"Lexie, bring the pasta" I said to my sister who I did not know exist until months ago and now living with me.

"Where do you want me to put the steak Mer?" Izzie asked.

I placed the salad I mixed in the center table and walks toward Nathan who is now talking to Addison and her date. I stopped walking when I saw who her date was, I quickly turned around and looked for Cristina who is now in the kitchen eating some foods from the tray.

"Cristina!"

"What, I'm tasting it first so we would know if it is bad, I could tell you before you can serve it."

"Derek is her." I hissed and ignoring what she just said.

"What?"

"Derek. Is. Here." I said.

"What the hell? Did Mark invited him? Seriously, I'm gonna kick Mcsteamy's ass." She said and about to get up. Stopped her from going all out war in the living room.

"No… It's Addison. He is her date." She stopped immediately with what I said.

"You invited the ex-wife if your ex-boyfriend into you sister's birthday party, who you sister don't know off? Wow Mer. As if your life is not complicated enough." She said sarcastically.

"Mark invited her, what should I do? Say now when she is in front of me? That is rude."

"So, bottom line. It was Mcsteamy's fault."

"They are talking with Nathan and Owen right now." I said.

"Alex!" Cristina shouted all of a sudden. I saw Alex got up from the couch an walks towards us.

"What? Do you want me to kick him out Mer?" Alex asked.

"What no! I don't want to ruin Lexie's birthday."

"Oh please, she will understand. She is lucky enough to live here." Cristina said. "Want to bet?" Cristina asked Alex.

"What bet?"

"By the end of this dinner, someone will enrage from jealousy. Are you in?" Cristina asks as if I am not here. Izzie all off a sudden arrived from nowhere and handed Cristina fifty bucks.

"Betting on that." Izzie said.

George walks in on that and asks us what bet is going on. "Seriously! I am here! Hello!"

"Yeah, Hi." Cristina said back. "Alex?"

"Hundred says before this dinner ends." Alex said and handed Cristina the money.

"Ooh, I like that. Let me bet on that." Mark all of a sudden appeared too.

I groaned in frustration and faced the fear.

"Hey, thank you for coming. Addison." I said, standing beside Nathan.

"Yeah, brought Derek as a date, hope you don't mind. The only people that I know here in Seattle is pretty much in here already.

"Yeah sure, no problem." I said still not looking at Derek.

"I told her about a good view here before she leaves the town." Nathan said, not feeling the tension.

"Yep, Nathan told me about it. Might visit tomorrow before I leave." She said.

"The house change." Derek said.

"Uh, yeah, we changed a lot. Nathan gave me the idea actually."

"Well I don't know about that, but I am taking the credit."

"Oh, you've been here before?" Derek asks.

"Yeah, couple of times. Meredith here seems to be friend with tequila."

"Didn't know you two were close?"

"We actually met, before we-" Nathan was cut off from talking when Lexie announced that dinner is ready. I sighed in relief with that, and grabbed Nathan's arm when Addison and Derek left and went to the table.

"Are you okay?" Nathan asked in concern tone. I nodded in response and just went to the table. I was in the center and Nathan's on my left and Cristina is on my right. Ironically, Derek is sitting at the opposite side of the center table.

"So, Lexie, sorry for barging into your birthday party." Addison said, trying to fix the awkwardness that is going on in the table. Nathan looking oblivious with the tension.

"Oh, no worries." Lexie replied.

Trying to ignore the tension, I started talking to Dr. Bailey and the rest of the people.

"I am grateful for Nathan here for accepting the offer of being the chief of cardiothoracic, he was also being offered in the Seattle press too I heard."

"Yup, but Owen here talks about how the hospital is and how the people is here, so this is what I've picked."

I just silently listened to what they are saying when Mark asks Nathan a question.

"So you know Meredith before you started working here?" He asked. I glared at him to stop talking but he ignored it.

"Oh yeah, we met in a bar, she was having a great date with a tequila."

"I met someone too in a bar." Derek said all of a sudden.

"How did it go?" Nathan asks curiously.

"I messed it up." I looked down and bit my lip to stop myself to laughed and just shook my head.

"Well, not me. She just poured her heart out."

"Really? Everyone here knows what she's been through already. If you mind could you tell us the story? Mer has not been joining her friends for a while at Joe's here I am learning that she is actually drinking somewhere else." I looked at Cristina for help to stop Mark but she just ignored me.

"Mark." I said in flat out tone.

"I want to know the whole story too, we've been hanging out but I still don't know how you too met." Alex said.

"I don't think-"George said but Cristina cut him off.

"Shut it Bambi." Dr. Bailey cleared her throat and looked at me as if saying that if she wants me to make them stop. I nodded in response. She was about to speak when Chief Webber asked the same question.

"Now, I didn't know that you guys know each other before you started working her Nathan."

I just sighed in defeat and did not attempt to look up.

"Well, like I said, we met at a bar, she was drinking alone and drunk enough to ask me out of nowhere about my accent." Nathan said. "Then all of a sudden she was just pouring her heart out cause I'm just a stranger and we will not see each other ever again. Weeks after, we found out we are working in one place." Nathan said.

"She started pouring her heart out? Could you explain in details? If you don't mind." Mark said.

"Well, I do actually mind cause, it is Mer's story not mine."

"Pretty sure she wouldn't mind" Cristina said.

"I do mind." I said.

"Well, what she said. She minds." Nathan said.

"We all know the story, I'm just curious with what happened there." Mark continue to insist.

"Mark, stop pushing it." Lexie said.

"What, we are all curious here." Mark smilingly evilly at Derek who is now looking at me straight in the eye. I did not back away from the look when Cristina started talking again.

"I'm just curious with what you advised on her. Because the next day, she just changed a lot. Realized a lot."

I sighed again and broke the eye contact to Derek and looked at Nathan who is looking back at me as if asking for permission. As I know she will not stop until her question got answer, I nodded in defeat.

"If you know the story, you probably know the ex-boyfriend? She still doesn't tell me who it is. I think she is protecting the guy's identity for whatever reason." Derek cleared his throat. I looked down and just played with my food.

"Told her the guy is stupid and not worth her time. The guy is a runner, when things get complicated or rough he runs. Not her entire fault that the relationship went south. The guy obviously have problems too. Don't let what if eat her. If the guy loves you, whatever issues you have, he will not leave you. He will help you, not add to one of her problems. She has her faults too don't get me wrong. But, it is not her entire fault like what that guy is implying."