A/N: Have you watched the latest episode of Grey's? I don't want to spoil but god, I miss them so much. Also, we now see the backyard of Mer's house which I will use lol. Also, my shift change, so instead of two chapters a week, it will be one. Unless I have enough time to do two chapters a week.
The problem with being a resident is you feel crazy all the time. You haven't slept in years. You spend every day around people in massive crisis. You lose your ability to judge what's normal, in yourself or anyone else. And yet people are constantly asking you to tell them how you're doing. How the hell are you supposed to know? You don't even know how you're doing. Don't wonder why people go crazy. Wonder why they don't. In the face of all we can lose in a day, in an instant, wonder what the hell it is that makes us hold it together.
Chapter 8
MEREDITH
After what Nathan said, there was a complete awkward silence for a minute. Chief Webber cleared his throat after that and Cristina started talking.
"You know what, you are actually right. He is a runner. Oh my God. The thing is, he has always been like that. Don't you think Addison?"
Addison looked shock by Cristina's bluntness as she was asked the question. She looked at Derek who is now just looking at the glass of wine, face full of hurt and confuse.
"I don't know. Maybe?" was all Addison could say.
Dr. Bailey tried to change the subject which she was able to do successfully. We talk about the patient for the past week and the progress of clinical trial so far. For the rest of the night Derek was quiet much to my likeness. Nathan and Owen talked about the time when they are in military, shared some stories which some were literally funny, few minutes later, I forgot that Derek was actually here.
One by one, visitors left the place. Until, Nathan, Derek, Addison, and Owen was left.
"It was a great dinner Meredith." Addison said as she was helping me with the dishes. I smiled at her and just continued washing the plates. "Look, I'm sorry for bringing Derek, I know you two are in a tough place right now."
"It's okay. I told you to bring date. And he was your date." I said while bobbing my head.
"We are going ahead, but before I go, can I tell you something?"
"Yeah, sure." I put the plates in the cabinet and started wiping off the water from the glasses.
"I walk in the beach now, I but aromatherapy candles, I am very Zen. But I… want to kick your ass so badly right now, it is killing me." I looked at her in the eye shocked by what she said.
"Excuse me?" I said.
"I'm talking about Derek, Derek Christopher Shepherd. Are you letting him get away?" I bit my lip and looked at the other way. "Because I swear to God Meredith, if you let him ride off into the sunset with that doe-eyed little thing.." She stopped saying anything suddenly and turned around and started walking away.
"He wants me to put him out of his misery Addison. I am his misery. Why would I locked the man I love in a misery?" I said. She stopped walking when she heard me talking and turned around waiting for me to continue talking. I stopped what I am doing and turned my back from the sink to face her and leaned against it putting both hands on sink. "I can't be with a man who always runs and throws me under the bus every time things get complicated. I can't be with the man who does not accept the whole me, dark and twisty and all. How could I be with a man who can't be with me at my lowest point?" I said and picked up the towel and continued wiping the water from the rest of the glasses.
"So, you are letting him get away. You are letting him be with the doe-eyed fan girl/stalker?" I laughed at what she said.
"I am moving on."
I didn't hear her for a minute until I heard her heels fading away. I got finished with the dishes, thinking the rest of the visitors left when I arrived in the living room Derek is still their talking with Mark and Lexie. Owen and Cristina already left and Nathan is just with Alex and George playing cards. I approached Nathan who looked up to me and stopped playing cards.
"Hey, I though you left already." He got up from his sit and started walking towards me. We started walking away from the living room I stopped in the kitchen to get a wine glass and wine which he brought earlier.
I walk him towards the backyard and we sat on the two lounge chair with a table in the middle. Just looking into the stars.
"Are you okay?" Nathan asks after a long minute of comfortable silence. I nodded in response and wiped the tear away the fell from my eyes. "They why are you crrying Mer?"
"This night is supposed to be fun and happy." I said.
"Well I don't know about you, but some of those were my best games." He said which made me laugh.
"Oh yeah, that was fun, don't get me wrong. It's just that, this was supposed to be worry free. The people I care about are here and all but.."
"But they started making you feel uncomfortable when they started asking about him? I though you are okay with it already?"
"Well, I thought so too." Not giving him any idea that what makes me uncomfortable was Derek's presence.
"Do you miss her?"
"All the time. Sometimes I miss her too much I don't even know how to survive a day."
"You'll find her. She's somewhere, alive and waiting for you." I said trying to comfort him.
"I'll find her." We drank our wine in silence and just watch the stars and moon light up the darkness of night.
"Why are you guys here?" Izzie asks when she saw us in the backyard.
"We are talking about how miserable our lives is." Nathan said which I nodded in agreement.
"Mer's life is curse Dr. Riggs."
"When you thought my life could any be more miserable, wait for the faith. They have more for me." I said.
"Be optimistic, just a while ago, you are being optimistic with my life but you are not to yourself Mer."
"We teach best from what we most need to learn." I said sarcastically. "Did they all leave?" I asks Izzie who is now sitting in the lounge chair.
"If you are asking Mark and Derek, no."
"Why?"
"I think someone is waiting for someone." I sighed and got up from my chair. "Wait for me. I'll be back. I'm just gonna just kick out Sloan and Shepherd."
"Ooh, you may want to see this." I heard Izzie said as I was walking away.
I arrived in the living room seeing Derek and Mark watching TV.
"Aren't you guys leaving already? It's almost midnight." I said with my hands on my hips.
"I'm sleeping here." Mark said.
"No you are not."
"What?"
"I don't want to see your face right now Mark. So leave the house." I said.
"Oh come on Grey."
"No, leave already. People here needs to sleep."
"Lexie." Mark asking Lexie for help.
"You brought this to yourself Mark. Just be thankful she is not shouting." Lexie said and left kissed him on his cheeks to said goodnight.
"Thank you for the Dinner Mer. The food was great. I will not have any allergy attacks anymore." She said which made me giggle. She walks upstairs and left the room.
"Now. Leave."
Mark sighed and got up from his sit. I waited for Derek to get up but he didn't.
"You leave too." I said looking at Derek.
He got up from his sit and put his hands on his back pockets. "How about him? Isn't he going home?" Pertaining to Nathan who is now in the kitchen laughing with George and Izzie while drinking wine.
"I don't think so." I said.
"Then I am not going." I frowned but what he said and crossed my hands.
"You don't get it. I want you two out of the house. NOW." I said.
"Shep, don't push it." Mark said grabbing the Derek's arm.
"Why are you still here? I though you left with Addison." I asked him.
"We both know she is not the reason why I am here."
"I actually don't know why you are here Dr. Shepherd."
"Are you two together?"
"Who?" I frowned further.
"Riggs."
"Mark, could you give me and Dr. Shepherd a minute?" Mark nodded and left us. I lead Derek outside the house and went to the driveway.
"Even if Riggs and I are a thing that is no longer of your concern." I turned around to face him. When I saw his face all with red eyes I frowned. "What is your problem?"
"Mer, I'm sorry-"before he could finish I cut him off.
"No, stop talking." I said. "You do this, you play with my mind and it is not okay now that I am happy and all healed up. If this was 2 months ago I wouldn't mind, I might jump into, right about now but not anymore, everything change. I changed. So whatever you are about to say. Just stop. Stop looking at me, stop talking to me when it is not work related, stop asking about me from my friends. Stop cornering me with ever chance you got. Just stop!" I said a little too loud that might probably heard from the people inside my house.
"Mer, I love you. I still do. And I thought this was the best for us. You are the love of my life Mer, but you are constantly leaving me, I'm in it, but every timey you have a problem you don't turn on me, you continue to leave, and just comeback wherever you want. And I am hurting every time you do that. I am dying here too. And you stopped breathing Mer. What am I supposed to do with that? You gave up on life." He exclaimed. "What am I supposed to do with that?"
"You are supposed to help me realize that and help me get up from that. Because that what relationship is right? You of all people thought me that. You figure things out together. You fought for each other. I know I have my own fault with what happened to us. I realized that now. And I know I have my own shortcomings too, but at least I admit it. I tried to fix it. I did not runaway. You did. You kissed another woman, but did not bother telling me. That time, you know I have issues, and the first thing I need from you that time was honesty and truthfulness, but you didn't bother doing that. Instead, you are waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is that love? Cause, from what I see, that is not love. Giving ultimatums? That is not love."
He was silent for a good few minutes trying to process what I just said. I was about to leave him when he started talking again.
"I messed up. I know that now. Tell me how to fix this. Just tell me what to do." He said as if begging.
"I bet, you girlfriend does not even know that you are here." Ignoring his question. He laughed and nodded.
"Yeah."
"Thought so too. Just stop. You chose this. I am giving you what you want. The life you want. You have that now. You have nothing to go back now."
"Mer."
"Dr. Shepherd, you should leave now."
"DEREK!" He shouted. I saw tears running down his face I turned around and looked up stop myself from crying. "Damn it Meredith! Derek! Call me by my name! Derek!" He yelled again, he tried to reach out for my hands but I back away.
"Stop shouting! For god's sake! Just leave, be with your girlfriend. She is everything that you want. You can't barge in here every time you see me happy with another man. I am not your property. You Left me. Deal with it."
"I did not, you broke up with me!"
"Because you kissed another woman!"
"Which meant nothing!"
"You dated her hours after we broke up! That is nothing! You are not the type of person who makes out with scrub nurses. You know that. We both know that." I said gritting my teeth from my anger. The anger I've been trying to control all night the moment he showed up in my front door.
"I am going to break up with her. Just tell me how to fix this."
"You don't get it don't you?" I exclaimed. "No going back, how many times do I have to tell you, this is it for us. This is over." I said frustratedly.
"Mer, give me another chance. Please."
"Everything's alright here?" Nathan suddenly showed up and from the front door, looking at me, raising his eyebrow.
"Yeah, uhm, he was just leaving." I said. I asked Nathan to call Mark to accompany Derek from leaving. "Just leave. Don't make it worse than it already is" I said. I turned to Mark and told him to get Derek to leave.
"I'm sorry about this Mer." Mark said trying to drag Derek out.
"You've done enough Mark, just get him and leave."
"Derek, come on man."
"No, Mer, please."
I sighed and just shook my head. Nathan looks at me questioning me with his eyes. I drag him inside the house while still hearing Derek calling my name.
"Meredith." Was the last I heard before we entered the house.
"So he was the guy from the bar?" Nathan asks as he sits in the kitchen with George and Izzie.
"Yup, it was McAss." Izzie said.
"McAss?" Nathan asks.
"McDreamy is now called McAss."
"Oh, you call Shepherd that? Do I get to have a nickname?" Nathan said trying to light things up.
"You Dr. Riggs, is McHard." Izzie said smilingly.
"We are going to sleep now Mer. Thank you for the dinner." George said. They left the two of us in the kitchen.
"So it was Shepherd. So that is why there was a tension in the room."
"Oh, you felt that huh?" I said laughing.
"Too thick not to notice."
"Yeah, to add on that, Addison was his ex-wife."
"And you invited her?"
"Mark did. I'm okay with that, but she brought Derek. And then everything just… I don't know."
He got up from his sit and hugged me. "I'm sorry you have to go through that. Your friends look likes they want to hurt him purposely. That is why they keep questioning me. Didn't they?"
"And makes my life as miserable as it is." I rolled my eyes at him and hugged him back.
"Look Mer, whatever you decide with him. I will support you." He said as he took his hands to my head and kissed my forehead.
"Thank you." I said and nodded.
"Well, I am going to leave now. It was a nice dinner." He said as we walks towards the door. "Have a goodnight."
"Thanks!" I said and waved at him.
I changed to my pj's and brushed my teeth when room's door opened. Izzie walks in and lied in my bed.
"Rough night?"
"Yeah, no thanks to you."
"I'm sorry Mer, it's just that, we saw how you struggled, and all he did for the past two months was like blaming you and like it was your entire fault with what happened with the two of you. And now, he realized what he did all because he saw you happy with another man. Again."
"I know you guys meant well. But, right now. I just want to move forward. Stop being mean to him. I'm half to blame with whatever happened between us."
"You still love him." Izzie realized.
"Yeah, I don't think that will change Izzie, I say, that love become more fiercely than ever before which is ridiculous 'cause all he ever did was hurt me." I said and also laid back in my bed.
"Love sucks."
"Second it."
She left the room after a moment of silence.
The following day, after a quick jog, I left the house to head to the hospital. The moment I arrived people are looking at me. I went straight to the resident's lounge where other residents are also looking at me. I turned to Cristina who was in here earlier due to her shift and asks her.
"What did I do now? Why is people looking at me again?" I said as I put my bag in the cabby and took my scrubs out. I took my rubber shoes out too and about to head to the bathroom but waited for Cristina to answer before I leave.
"Oh, you didn't heard? Shepherd broke up with the Nurse." Cristina said smirking.
"Oh." Was all I said and entered the bathroom.
After changing into my scrubs, I went back to my cabby to pick up my coat and things, Cristina waiting at me outside.
"Oh, was all you can say? Heard about Izzie what happened last night." She said as we are walking towards the nurse station. I saw Nathan standing there with two coffee cups smiling at me. "Oh great, McHard trying to win you over."
"McHard and I will never be a thing Cristina. I know this. He knows this. Stop pushing it."
"Why are you so sure with that?" She said while walking with me.
"Has Owen ever talks to you about his family?" I asks her.
"All I know right now that, her mother still doesn't know that his here."
What? That is sick Cristina."
"We are working on it. Don't worry about it."
"Okay." I said and approached Nathan who handed me the coffee.
"I am the resident, aren't I supposed to give you bribery for the surgeries?" I said as I accepted the coffee.
"Just welcoming you to you back to morning shift. Feel bad for Mike though. I will miss him." He said jokingly.
"We can still go to Mike's if you want. But not during working hours. I'm a resident, we are different." I said as I picked up some charts. I can feel eyes watching us as we talk.
"Yang, you are with me today." Nathan said as we winked at me and left. I giggled as I know he took my advice from last night.
"Oh man really?" Cristina exclaimed.
"Yep, don't disappoint me"
"Disappointment is the last thing you will ever get to me Dr. Riggs."
I assigned my interns on what they should do for the day and took George with me for the clinical trial. We headed to Dr. Nelsons office and told him about our first patient.
We are now at the OR injecting the virus. The rest of the day we patiently waited for Mr. Robinson to wake up but unfortunately he died. I instructed George on what he is supposed to do and left the room.
I went straight to one of the supply room when I heard a voice shouting my name across the hall. I turned around and saw Derek walking towards me. I sighed and wiped off the tears from my face and turned around to him.
"Yes Dr. Shepherd? I said. Not looking him at the eye.
"Can we talk? We didn't get to finish last night." He said dragging me inside the supply room.
"We have nothing to talk about. We are done talking about this."
"Mer, please. Just give me another chance. Our story is not yet done. I am so sorry I realized it too late. But here I am now. I am going to fight for us. If you don't want to fight anymore? That's okay. I am going to fight for the two of us. Just please give me chance to prove that. Please.
"Dr. Shepherd, if this is all we are going to talk about, I am leaving." I said and walks past him and opened the door.
"Meredith please."
"Stop it! Sell your land and move forward! That was your plan right? I heard it from your girlfriend. Do that. And I will continue whatever I am doing." I said and closed the door. I turned around and saw some nurses looking at m direction.
I left the place and went to the cafeteria to grab some lunch where I saw Alex and Izzie having lunch, I joined their table and sat.
"Are you okay Mer?" Alex asks me when he saw the frown on my face.
"Yeah." I said and I looked up and saw Rose with the other nurses walking us, more on walking past us to go to the cashier. I looked away and just continue eating. Minutes later George and Lexie joined us. We were laughing by what George said when someone's shadow covered us. I was laughing and looked up to see who it was when I saw Derek.
I turned away and looked at Alex, asking for help.
"Dr. Shepherd, how can we help you?" Alex asks him.
"I need a resident for my craniotomy this afternoon, I'm thinking if Dr. Grey wants to scrub in?" He said looking at me.
"Uhm, I have patients to look into. Sorry" I said and about to leave when he replied.
"Give them to your interns. I really need a resident, and I saw from the board that you are the only one who does not have a surgery."
I sighed in defeat and just nodded at him.
"Great, so OR 2 chart is at the nurse station, room 1702. Three o'clock." He said clasping his hands together as if he won a lottery from his smile.
"I feel like I'm watching a move with all the drama you guys have." Cristina appeared all of a sudden.
"You gave in." Izzie said.
"I just know that he will not stop until he gets it. And I don't want to know what he will do if I resisted him."
"But still Mer, after what happen last night?"
"I know." I sighed and sat.
"Heard from the nurses that he broke up with Plant last night. I am assuming it was after dinner." Izzie said.
"He what?" Lexie asks.
"Yep, the power you have with Shepherd, Mer."
"Talk to him about it."
"Yep, heard that one too." Cristina said.
"What happen?"
"Well, told him to get back with his plans and all and I will continue what I have been doing." Said smilingly.
"I am a proud mama. You really changed Mer. I am proud of you." Cristina said.
I smirked at her and left the table to proceed at the patient. I went to the nurse station and asks for the chart of the patient Dr. Shepherd told me.
Nurse Debbie smiled at me and handed me the chart.
"Hey." Nathan said and as he handed the chart to Nurse Debbie.
"Hey, finished your surgery?" I asks her.
"Yes, every things okay? Heard around what happened." He said and leaned towards me.
"See, other than disease, gossip is way faster here." I joked and giggled.
"They don't have a life no?" He said.
"I think so."
"Want to grab some drink later?"
"Actually, we are planning to visit Joe again later."
"You are now okay being their?"
"Yes." I said proudly. He laughed at my reaction and put his right hand to my head and ruffled it.
"Good." He said as he ruffled m hair.
"Hey!" I said and swatted his hand away.
"Not like you care about your hair. Please. We both know you do not care about your appearance. One of your charms. Effortlessly beautiful." I laughed by what he said and scrunched my nose and stick my tongue.
I left him to see the patient and started a work up for the operation.
Hours later, I am scrubbing for the operation when Derek entered.
"Dr. Shepherd, every things ready, they are just waiting for you." I said and left the room. When I entered I saw Rose at the other side. She looked at me and I looked away. Derek entered the room and smiled at me. I sighed and just looked away. Nurse gloved me and tied my gown. I stand at the left side of Derek who is not standing behind the head of the patient.
"Well, good afternoon everybody. It's beautiful to save lives, let's have some fun." He said and asked for ten blade.
We were in the middle of the surgery when Derek started asking.
"Mark told me you started attending cooking class two months ago?" I cleared my throat and did not respond.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"Stop it." I said.
"You could've told me."
"Please. Stop."
I can feel that people are looking at me and him back and forth, can feel the tension that is going on. I felt bad for Rose as I know what this feels. It hurt to see someone you love be with someone. Looking at someone and loving someone.
He sighed in defeat and continued with the operation. Hours later we were done. I quickly finished washing my hands.
For the rest of the da, as much as I hate to do this, I avoided him and went to places that I know I will not see him. Nathan texted me asking him to meet him at the lobby to leave together for Joe's when I bumped into Addison. I greeted her and asks her if she is now going back to LA.
"Red eye. Rumors has it he broke up with that doe-eyed. Aren't you going back to him?" Addison asks.
"No. We are done. He pulled the plug when he kissed another woman. Come on Addison. We both know Derek is not the type of guy who kisses a woman out of whim or habit. For him to do that means he felt something to her." I said in a convincing voice.
"Or, trying prove something to himself."
"What do you mean by that?"
"Nothing." She said. "Bye Meredith."
"Bye Addison."
The rest of the day went by. The rest of my friends already left and went to Joe's I was in front of the elevator when Derek arrived and started waiting for the elevator as well. We were both quiet when he turned around and opened his mouth, I waited for him to say something but not looking at him but no words came out of his mouth. He turned around and faced the front and did not speak at all for the rest of the ride.
The elevator opened and I quickly hop off the elevator and met Nathan waiting for me at the lobby. When Nathan saw me, he stood up and put his bag on the chair to put help me put on my coat.
"Ready?" He asks.
"I need a drink. From yesterday to today. It was exhausting. I need my poison."
"Coming right up." He said and left the hospital with me.
We entered Joe's and saw that almost half of the hospital employees are here. A little exaggerated.
"It's Monday, why people at the hospital are here?" I ask Cristina when who is now drinking tequila.
"Oh, betting pool is on high right now."
"What? What bet?"
"You don't want to hear it Mer." Lexie said.
"Cristina!" I said when I realized what could the bet possibly be and drunk a tequila. Nathan left our table and joined Owen's table who is now with Mark.
"What? The drama peaked last night. I need to pool some money from it." I rolled my eyes by what she said.
"What are you betting at?" I asks her.
"One month then you two are getting back together." Cristina said.
"I betedt two months." Alex said.
"I didn't bet Mer." George said.
"Oh please, you betted two weeks." Cristina said.
"Well sorry to say this, but none of you will win." I said and took another shot of tequila.
"Why? Are you two now together?" Izzie said excitedly.
"She betted a day." Cristina butt in.
"What kind of friends you are? I thought you all hate him, what do you want me to get back together with him?"
"Oh, don't get us wrong. We still hate him for what he did to you. Hate him and angry at him. But we are talking about the two of you."
"So?" I ask.
"But this is money. Money trumps friendship Mer." Cristina joked.
"What Cristina means is, we will support you whatever your decision is." Izzie said.
"None of you will win because, the thing between Derek and I is done. Done two months ago. It was done. When I decided to move on, I meant it. I have no plans of going back."
"So you and Nathan?"
"Nathan and I are friends. Nothing more nothing less." I said. Another realization hit me with her question. "You also have a betting pool between Nathan and I don't you?" I ask Cristina who nodded guiltily. "I cannot believe this!" I said and walked out of the table to order another batch of tequila shot.
When I returned the door ringed out of instinct I looked who entered and Derek looked around, when he saw me, he started walking towards my table. I looked away and continue talking to Cristina.
"I told you already, nothing will ever happened. We are both sure of that. Platonic friendship is what we have." And took another shot.
"Why? Is there a story behind it?" I looked away and did not reply when Derek stopped in front of me.
"Seriously, stop!" I said before he could start talking.
"I am not giving up on this Mer. Can we talk?" He said and looked around. "Somewhere quieter?"
"Mer?" Alex asks protectively. I shook my head at him to assure him that is is okay.
"I think I already told you my piece. Dr. Shepherd."
"Mer come on. I just want you to hear this."
"What is there left to talk about?"
I sighed and nodded. Everyone at the table looked at me questioningly.
"I'll head home after this." I took my things when Nathan walks towards me.
"Oh, this would be good."
"Ten bucks says Shepherd will lose control before they even leave."
"Fifteen say, he'll shout at Riggs before they could start walking." Cristina replied.
"Going home already? Do you want me to drive you? You had a lot of shots." Nathan said in a concerned voice, completely ignoring Derek.
"It's okay. I can still drive." I said.
"I can drive her home if she can't Dr. Riggs." Derek said.
"No you are not." I hissed back.
"Text me when you get home." Nathan said and left the table to walk back at Owen's table.
Derek tried to touch my arm to help me walking when I back away.