A/N: Have you guys watch the latest episode? I was crying at the end, then laughed out loud by Mer. I miss that kind of Mer, unguarded, carefree, and full of love and happiness Mer. And the smile, god I miss that smile from Mer. We have to wait for two weeks for the next episode because of the Thanksgiving.
Chapter 9
MEREDITH
I saw hurt in his eyes when he saw me back away. I ignored it and lead him outside the bar, people glances our way as we walked outside. Curious looks were being exchange from one another.
Before we could arrived in the hospital parking lot where I left my car I took a stop and turned around.
"What is it this time Derek?" I asked him as I crossed my arms.
"First off, I'm sorry, I know I have been a massive jerk ever since we broke up. I treated you poorly, I handled what we had poorly. I'm sorry, Mer. But please, could you just give me a chance to be at least be part of your life?"
"Every time, we just hurt each other, you asks for me, I let you in, you walk away. And every chance I give you, I get the end of stick. So no. "
"Mer."
"No, I am done feeling not being worth staying for. My father left me, he could not stay even for me or even try to reach out, and my own mother told me she should not have me from the very first place. Derek, rejection is a part of my life now. And you are just one of those, and right now, I don't accept rejections anymore. I now know my worth. And I don't want to feel that anymore." I shaking my head as I said that.
"I know I messed up, but I promise Mer, I was stupid, I love you. I am sorry I let this happen to us, I'm sorry I kissed Rose, I am sorry I hurt you. I made a terrible mistake. I love you and I know you love me too, still. And all I am asking for is give me another chance. I am sorry I made you feel worthless, I am sorry Meredith for all the pain I have caused you."
"Derek, we are in the loop. We are on the same cycle, over and over again, we love, we kiss, we fight, we broke up, and then we made up all over again. Again and again." He looked at me and I can feel the sadness in his eyes down through my spine but I still continued. "I am not saying this to hurt you. God no. But Derek, I am happy. I am finally happy without you in my life, and I like my life right now, and I don't want it to change. And my lack of interest of not seeing you is not a strategy, I am not playing hard to get here. I don't want to see you. You are untrustworthy, you are self-centered, and this is not a ploy to get back for what you did. I turned my life upside down for you Derek and you walked away when I was having the worst time of my life. You walked away because I can't commit when I finally took a big step of committing with you and then I learned you got yourself a girlfriend, same girl you kissed, just hours after that, parading in the entire hospital as if the day before that you didn't just showed me the dream house, where you just told me I am the love of your life. I am at wrong too, I was not ready when you were ready, and maybe she is. You couldn't wait, why wait right? You have girls at your pedestal. And you are right, I don't trust you, why would I trust you when you give me every reason not to? I don't want to be angry anymore. But who am I kidding? I am angry at you for demeaning everything that we had, everything that we had, everything… you just throw it in the trash, so easily and quickly. As if the love you had for me, for each other is not worth staying for, not waiting for. I don't beg, I don't pity party, and I am certainly not a girl who will cry over a man, but you made me do that. But, that's enough. I have reached my limit Derek."
I looked him in the eye, seeing him crying for every words that I say. "And you are right, I still love you, but I don't want to love you anymore."
He closed his eyes as I said those words and I looked up to stop myself from crying "Ever since that night. I felt like crap and a complete failure, I prayed to God, if he ever exist, to help me get over you and let me be happy without you. So, no, I don't want you back in my life because I know the moment I let you back in my life again, you will hurt me again. So no." I finished my long speech and about to walk toward my car when he pulled me in his arms and hug me. He was shaking from crying. I tried to break free from his embrace but he only made it tighten.
"Derek." He just shook his head and just continued to hug me. I sighed and just let him hug me, not returning his hug at all. Few minutes later, he calmed down and nodded.
"I'm sorry I was not able to keep my word. I keep telling to myself these past months, this is not what I deserve, that what I did was for the better, that I will be happy eventually. But I was wrong. I keep denying to myself that I don't need you to make myself happy. That, I could love you from a far, I could live with that. But I have been lying to myself, trying to prove that. And now, I know, I only understand it now. I am sorry. For all the hurt I caused you. This is our relationship, and if I want to make it work, I should be thinking what is the best for us. Not me or you. I am giving you space Mer. But I am not giving up. As said it before and I am saying this to you now. I will fight for us. I know we still have a chance. And I am hanging into that."
I just shook my head and went straight to my car and left him in the middle of the parking lot. When I was already in my drive way, I let myself cry, from the pain I just let out, finally was able to let out all the feelings I have been dealing with to him. I know I have caused a big pain to him when I said those words, but I don't have any regrets. I can finally breathe from the pain.
The following weeks, we barely see each other. And if we do, we just talk professionally, though I know people are still watching us every time we bumped or engage in a talk, I just ignored it. Sometimes I caught him watching me from a far, or trying to talk to me but stopping himself. My friends also helps me a lot with trying to distract myself from the gossip and stares that I have been getting at.
I was in the nurse station signing some charts when I got page for the incoming trauma.
I went straight to the pit and wore the yellow gown, took some gloves, with my interns at my back following me.
"What do we have?" I ask the paramedics as we walk into the PiT.
"19 years old male, fall of from the house, he was putting some Halloween decorations, head trauma, and also complaining of chest pain."
I asses the patient let my intern do some work up, instructed one to do the lab, and the other one do central line and the other one to page Neuro and Cardio. It was easy when George is still my intern, he knows what to do and no longer wait for instruction but now, he is a resident after he took the intern exam and passed it with flying colors, which we celebrated the other day.
I was left alone in the trauma with Nurse Tyler when Derek entered the room.
"What do we got?" He asks as he put the gloves into his hands.
"Fall from the roof, head first, he seized like a minute ago, I am thinking brain bleed, his pupils are dilated but conscious and still responsive, and he was complaining of chest pain too, I already paged cardio." After saying that Nathan entered the room, and just repeated what I just said.
Derek and Nathan examine the patient where Tyler and I was just waiting for the instruction.
"Okay, order a head CT and an MRI just to rule out any possible brain bleed and page me when the result is done." He nodded and left the room. Nathan agree when the patient started seizing.
"SHEPHERD!" Nathan yell before Derek could go any further. Derek entered the room again and instructed to put some meds to help to stop the seizing.
"Okay, after CT and MRI, book an OR." Derek said after a few minutes. I nodded and instructed Tyler to book an OR as I prepared the patient to CT. Nathan left after he was able to check the heart rate.
I was scrubbing when Derek entered the room. We were quietly washing our hands when Nathan also entered.
"Shep, mind if I observe? I saw the scan and I just want to make sure there will not much toll on his heart as you do the surgery."
"Yah, sure no problem." Derek said and lifted his arms as he entered the room which I followed.
"Good evening everybody, it's a beautiful night to save lives. Let's get started." He said and started the procedure. Nathan stood at the left further side of the patient, monitoring closely the heart. We are now in an open gallery, where people are watching.
I was assisting Derek when I looked up and saw the familiar eyes. I sighed and looked that the patient's brain wide open, Derek trying to stop the bleeding by putting shunt. The OR was awfully qu
"How was your date last night Grey?" Nathan asks. I glared at him and cleared my throat in response to his question. I can see the smirk behind the mask with his playful eyes. The other night we went to Mike's when a guy asks me out for a drink which I declined first but Nathan convince me to try the market out so, I agreed and we went out last night which turned to be disastrous.
"Good." I responded.
"Not what I heard from Yang."
"Oh, now you talk about me now? Look where I got myself into." I said jokingly, Derek cleared his throat trying to remind us that he is still here.
"You went on a date?" Derek asks.
"Yes, I am single. Nothing wrong with that." I fidgeted to him.
"Single and ready to mingle I say. DO you know any possible available Dr. Shepherd? Grey here seems to be pick with men. Every guy we thrown at her, she just dismissed." Nathan said as he crossed his arms.
"I do not. Shut up."
"Yeah you do."
"I though, you guys are like sort of going out before?" Derek said in spite our banter.
"Yuck. Eew." Was all I said with a disgusted face.
"Oh no."
"Oh." Derek said and nothing more.
"So, do you know anybody?" Nathan asks him again.
"No, I do know, that there is someone is waiting for her. But, she does not want him to wait for her."
"Oh, I know that guy. Apparently, the first time the guy said that to her, he left her cause she was not ready to commit? But she was trying, but then she learned he kissed another girl, and dated the girl an hour after they broke up. If that is the guy that you were talking about?" Nathan paused a little and raised his left eyebrow. "I'd rather have another guy for her. She does not deserve that kind of treatment from a guy who just told her she is the love of his life but then dates another girl. Passive aggressive I say. The guy looks like he can't keep his decision and stay with it."
Derek look at him for a moment and shook his head and stayed quiet for the rest of the surgery. I shoot Nathan a warning eyes but he just brushed it off. When the surgery is about to end, Nathan left as he got page for another cardio patient.
"He knows?" Derek asks. As we scrub out in the surgery that took almost five hours.
"Nathan helped me. Of course he knows"
"What do you mean helped?"
"I have to start all over Derek, and Nathan helped me to move forward. He was one of the people who helped me moved on from you. To get over you. And it helped."
"Are you free this Friday?" He ignored my last sentence as he wipes the water away from his hands.
"I have clinical trial. I am busy."
"Nelson told me that you are in your tenth patient today.." I just nodded and pick up a clean towel to brush of the waters.
I got paged the exact moment he was about to open his mouth. I quickly left the room as fast as I can and went to the nurse station were Dr. Nelson is waiting for me to lead him to Greta. Our tenth patient.
So far, all our patients, either died, or went into coma then died. To some people, that might be a big progress but to us. It was a big progress. I hate to think that our last nine patients went into statistic but I have to swallow hard to move forward and look for a better result when all of this is done.
When we went inside Greta's room, she refused to be operated until her boyfriend Andre, arrives which she met from the cruise. After agreeing, we left the room when her sister run after us explaining that Andre might be another symptom from the tumor. Which is hypergraphia. Dr. Nelson agreed to wait until three pm, if he does not arrive we have to proceed.
"Dr. Nelson, I'm sorry but, I already mixed the virus with the IL-2, and it will expire in three o'clock in the morning."
"The patient want's to wait, let's at least give that to her." I disagree with him so I went to Derek and asks for his opinion as a Neurosurgeon.
"So now you want to talk to me?" He said playfully but can still feel the loneliness and sadness in his voice.
"I just want to know your opinion as a Neurosurgeon, that Andre could be a tumor talking and we are wasting our time to a guy that do not exist."
"Maybe the guy is true maybe not, maybe Greta is lonely and only to cope up with that she created Andre." Derek.
"Which is why we have to proceed. It does not exist. She should just give up waiting, I mean that kind of love is not true, only in delusional world, which is where Greta is now due to tumor!"
"Glad to hear that Dr. Grey. So why are you talking to me about this?" Derek said in a now dark mood. As if he was hurt by what I just said.
"I was thinking since you are the head of Neurosurgery, you could talk to him."
"No. We can't have all day maybe waiting for Andre, but we have until three." He said and leaves the room angrily.
As I wait for three, I bumped into Nathan in the cafeteria who is also on call for tonight.
"Hey, how far is the clinical trial doing?" He asks as we sat into the chair and placed his food into the table.
I told him the story of Andre and Greta which is too much of a rom com story.
"I don't get it, why did get all broken up by what I just said? I mean, the story, if you heard it personally, you would cringe.."
"No, I get it. He was actually waiting for you."
"Who?" I said with a big question mark on my face.
"Derek, he did I think."
"No! He kissed Rose when I wanted us to be together again."
"Yah he did. But then you were waiting for him to messed it up for you to just say, "aha" then you quit."
"I do not! I was trying! Trying for him, for us! He was the one who lied when I needed him to be true. He was the first one to give up and not wait."
"But Mer, people makes mistakes. Maybe you should try now? He learned. He now knows." Trying to make me understand all that he just said.
"Where is the guy who is just a while ago, that my ex is a passive aggressive guy? I need that friend."
"Hey, come on. I am still your friend. I just saw his perspective on this. And also feel bad about him now. I can see he regretted his decision."
"Still, have no plans on going back with him." I said with finality.
When three am arrived, Andre was still not here and went to start the clinical trial. After inserting the serum Greta becomes bradycardic. When we got a phone call from the nurse that Andre arrived.
Greta's brain started to swell and causing a lot of damage. She went into coma. When we were finished. We explained it to the sister and Andre. I felt a pang in my chest as I was watching Andre crying from Greta's body.
I left the room and entered the supplies closet when someone else also entered it. I am now sitting when I looked up and saw Derek when extreme sorrow in his face.
"Mer."
"Don't" I said back. And trying to stop myself crying.
"I'm sorry."
"I…I…I feel bad. We should've waited more. I should've…." I said still crying. Panic is now coming over my body.
He sighed by what I just said "I know…I know." He said. He sat infront of me and now brushing my hair when he felt my body trembling. "Mer? Take a deep breath for me." He said now trying to make me calm."
"When did you start having panic attacks?" Trying to catch my eyes as he said that.
I did not reply and just closed my eyes and trying to breathe equally and when I felt his hands touch mine and rub the palm. Helping me to calm.
"Mer?" I just nodded to him and stood up.
"Thank you. I'm okay now." I said and left him in the room.
I took a quick sleep after I processed Greta's papers and woke up around 11 am. I went straight to cafeteria where I saw, Izzie, Alex, Cristina, George and Lexie in a table. I went straight to them after ordering my food when I saw George handing out a piece of paper.
"What is that George?" I asks him.
"I need you to sign this and fill up this blanks the name of the people you slept with in this hospital." He said and handed it out for me.
"He is now the Chief's bitch." Alex said as he fill up his own form.
"This is stupid." I said as I handed out the form to him when a figure appeared in George's said. Asking for a form. I looked at Cristina who just raised her eyebrows and saying to ignore it. I just smiled even though knowing the Derek actually slept with her. Means another thing. I sighed and just continued to eat.
"Drinks? Later?" Cristina said after I brushed my teeth.
"Sure, can I ask Nathan out? He has been my wing man. I need sex right now." I said.
"Is this a revenge sex or I miss sex, so I will have sex?"
"It has been over three months. I need it."
"Oh, I miss the whore you." Cristina said and left the residence lounge with me.
I am doing my post op when a cup of coffee was placed in front of me which made me smile. I was expecting Nathan but I saw Derek giving it to me smilingly, making my smile drop.
"Saw that you are scrubbing in with Baile. Goodluck." He said and left me in the nurse station.
I look around and saw Tyler standing a foot away from me. I smiled at him and offered him the coffee the Derek just gave me, which he accepted, even though he knows that it came from Derek actually.
My shift was over and texted Nathan if he could come with us at Joe's which he agreed and will be waiting for him at Joe's when Rose arrived and also now waiting for the elevator.
I ignored her as our last conversation was we were also in the elevator telling me that Derek is selling the land. Which I don't know if it came true.
"He did not sell the land." She said out of the blue when we entered the lift. Trying to ignore him, I did not look at her.
"He put a stop to it the moment he saw you and Dr. Riggs, coming out of the hospital." She continued even though I did not responded to her attempt conversation. "He keeps on assuring me that he was over you, again and again but he still broke up with me the moment he realized that he is completely losing you." She paused for a while, I looked at her and saw her eyes becoming red. "If… if you will not catch him. Just tell him. Don't make him hope for something." My patience went away immediately when she said that.
I look at her in the eye and smirked at her. "Don't tell me what to do with my life. You did not hear anything from me when you kissed him even though you are completely aware what Derek and I have." I laughed at the irony. "Even though you know as you said "Legend" You don't hear me begging for you to let him go because I respected his decision even though it hurts like fucking hell. Now, don't go crying on me for him. Because I did not do that. If is suffering, that's not on me anymore. I am done with this drama. And I am pretty damn sure I was clear with him on that. If he left you and even though I rejected him and pushed him to be with you but still didn't come back. That's not on me." I finished and left the elevator.
As I was walking out of the hospital, Rose run after me and grab my arm. "Meredith… I I'm just trying to make Derek….I… I didn't mean too.." Trying to act innocently with her face and action. I smirked at her which made her panic.
"Rose, let us not pretend that you didn't know. You know. And I don't want to take this against you, cause you got in the middle of Derek and I, but you know. Don't play innocent here."
I went straight to Joe's where Cristina is waiting for me at the bar. When she saw me she started waving and shouted. "HEY BABY" I just shook my head by what she said knowing that she already had a lot of drinks.
"Hey, you okay?" I asks her.
"Just learned that Owen has….. have a sister. Yesterday, we went to see his mother.. Finally, and learned from the pictures that he has….. have a sister. And went missing. Did not bother to tell me." She was totally drunk as her words where swirling. "I think you….. uhm… know this already. It was Riggs fiancé right?" I just nodded and tried to stop her from drinking another tequila.
I ordered a cup of coffee for Cristina and a beer for me.
"It's like, I don't know him, did you know he was engaged? I have to find out with the fiancé showing up here."
"That, I did not know." I was shocked by her revelations of Owen.
"I don't know him Mer. GI JOE is a complete James Bond."
"You know him, Cristina. You know him."
"Drink. Just drink Mer." I nodded in reply and took a sip from the beer. I tried to make her drink coffee which she denied at first then agreed when she almost fell from her seat.
I drink silently beside her as she is finally being herself again.
Nathan arrived later and went to the bar where we are sitting. And asks Joe for a beer.
"Why is she drunk?"
"She found out about Megan and the ex-fiancé." Answering his question.
"She didn't know about Megan and Beth?" Looking shocked as well with the statement I just said.
"Ssh. She might hear you." I said jokingly.
"I am here." Cristina said still head on the table not looking up.
"Any word from the base?" Asking Nathan who was just looking at Cristina.
"They said, that they were checking a place in Iraq. They might be a lead there." He said but still not trying to be optimistic.
"She's alive Nathan. She's out there." Trying to console him even though I know it is not helping him at all.
"Thanks Mer." He said and squeezed my hand. "So, I heard earlier from Yang that you are looking for sex?" I giggled which turned into laughter. "We have been throwing guys at you but you all you did was to reject them then out of the blue you want sex? Why?"
"Nothing." I said not looking at him in the eye.
"Is this a revenge sex?" Nathan asks again.
"What? No!" I refused profusely. "You guys are talking about me too much. Don't you have other things to talk about?"
"We have you in common aside from the love of heart. So…. No."
"You jerk and bitch." I said and turned to Cristina as I said bitch.
He just laughed again with what I said and we continued drinking. I took a stop from my fifth beer as I will drive us home.
Past midnight when we all decided to come home. I brought Cristina into m house and placed her in me bed when someone knock on my door.
I saw Derek standing in front of the door. Looking drunk.
"Why are you here?" I said not letting him in when he tried to enter the house.
"I love you. I'm sorry, Mer. Please forgive me. I was stupid. Please let me make it up to you. Let me get things right." He grab my hand and placed it in his heart. "I'm sorry Mer, I know how cruel what I did, I shouldn't have done that. I was a complete jerk. I only though of want I want, and I thought that was it for us. This belongs to you. No one else. I have failed you over and over. But this time, I promised you. I will not do that again. You are the love of my life. Please Mer." He said.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He keep on saying as he grab me and hugged me while crying. I sighed and just let him in inside the house. I guided him towards the couch when George walks down the stairs asking if I need help. I nodded and help me put Derek in the couched.
"Did we wake you up?" I asks George as we went to the kitchen, him getting a cup of water me getting a cup of water and an aspirin for Derek tomorrow.
"No, I was getting thirsty." He said and drunk the water out of the cup. "What's your plan?"
"I don't know."
"What do you want?"
"I don't have."
"Mer. I know you. You love him, but you are stopping yourself to do that 'cause you are afraid he might hurt you again."
"He is right, you know. He failed me over and over again. But, I failed him too. Over and over again."
"But you tried to make it up to it."
"Too late."
"That's not on you. That's on him, and he has been trying to make up to it. It is not your fault for being afraid in committing in a relationship. Not your fault that he wanted the next step and you are not ready.
"I love him George, but I don't trust him. God, I want to trust him, but he keep giving me reasons not to. And trust is a big fundamental of a relationship, when Addison happened and lied to me about it, I still went out with him I didn't forgive him for lying to me about her. And He has now asked for forgiveness either. So how can I forgive someone if didn't tried to earned that trust? Instead just keep on crushing the trust that was left for him.
"Say that to him. Tell him that to him. If you want. I'm not telling you what to do. But Mer, if you love him, don't spend another time not to be with him. Life is short."
George left after saying that. I just looked at Derek who is now sleeping peacefully. I left him and also went upstairs, lied besides Cristina and just looked at the ceiling.
I cried until I fell asleep with mind in a complete chaos of what I should do, should I just let in Derek, or give him the finality.
I love him still, I have been lying to myself this past few weeks that everything is okay. I am happy, but I know something is missing. Ever since we broke up, something is missing and no one can fill that up.
The next morning, I woke up Cristina no longer beside me, got a text from her and the rest of the people that they already left. Today was my day off in weeks. I went down the stairs assuming the Derek also left the house, but I saw him pouring some coffee in a mug.
"Hey." I greeted him and gave him a smile. He smiled back and got another cup of coffee and poured some for me.
"I though you left already."
"Trying to settle my hangover first." He replied back and sit in one of the high chairs. "I though you left with the guys."
"Uhm,, no, today's my day off. I've got nothing to do other than attending a cooking class and taking a quick jog."
"You are jogging? When?"
"A month ago, just changing something's."
"I'm sorry for barging in here. I was drunk and just want to see you. I'm sorry." He said as he shook his head disbelief with what he did the other night.
"It's okay, you are drunk. I understand that."