A/N: So, I might not be able to update this coming cause I am oout of town again and I don't know if I have the time to publish this post so I'm just gonna publish this now! Did you guys saw George? My God! I cried and cranked up with all those memories.
Chapter 12
Meredith is tapping her heels while waiting for the elevator when Cristina pop in beside her with her usual brown leather jacket black shirt, black pants and her body bag.
"Woah, remind me to avoid you in a dark ally." Meredith jokingly said.
"Seems like someone's date went well."
"It did."
"Heard from Sloan you two were inside the car laughing on you first date."
"We had a drive thru, ate late, late dinner. It was not a date, last night was a date."
"Ooh, so you did enjoy that date."
"Yeah, whatever." They both step out of the elevator when it arrived on their floor and went straight to the residence lounge.
Meredith went straight to the Nurse station to get an update from their clinical trial but the guy is still in coma. She just shook her head as the latest CT still have no improvement. She appointed her interns to their respective tasks and collected some charts and give it to them for the rounds later.
By the afternoon, the clinical patient died. Meredith was in the tunnel crying. As much as she didn't want to, she knows that as much as she don't want to, she is emotionally involve with her patients. And from her past patient, this was the hardest and she does not know why.
"Mer?" George hop on the gurney and sat beside Meredith.
"Hey, George." She wipes her tears away and sat straight.
"Are you okay?" He asks.
"It's just piling up. But I'm okay."
"Well, I'm in the PiT today, I just snuck some time to sleep here, I was already on call last night. I haven't had sleep."
"Yeah, okay" She murmured. And watched George sleep in the gurney.
Everything was just pilling up and with the trial patient, as much as she doesn't admit, she misses Derek, before, even though they do not talk, she still sees him, but now, it has been four days since she last saw him. And she misses his comfort with this.
She went silent for a while thinking last night date with Will. She still feels guilty over something she shouldn't have. And thinking how Derek was okay when he did dated Rose and did not look feel guilty about it makes her hurt more than she already is. She shouldn't compare, she knows. And she knows that she should just forget that as that is all in the past. She wants too, but with the things that is going on with her life, with Will…
"Mer, you are not cheating. And it's nice, that you are trying, at least you know our choices right? And this, experiencing life without him, of answer your what if." George suddenly speak, she looked at him and can see that his eyes are still close. Her eyes were mist from the tears.
"My patient died. And just…The first person I want to be comforted by is him. Always him. Ever since. And I want to shake that off, and I don't know how. Before all this. I can survive anything on my own. Believe me. But now, and I'm afraid with this might not go away."
She left the tunnel after a few minutes and updated Dr. Nelson about the patient. He wanted to take break for a few days before we start again, which I agree at it is taking a toll to our moral.
As much as she didn't want to admit, not seeing Derek for good straight four days makes it harder day by day. And she wants to look for him but she deny that privilege as she knows, this is the perfect opportunity to think on what she wants. Does she wants to start another thing for Derek, take a risk or just move on, either way, it's all on fate as he says.
Maybe, dating Will is a step of moving on, and having new man in her life will give her perspective on how bad she and Derek are together. Or maybe not. She shakes her head as she was about to compare Derek and Will.
Her day just ended and waiting for Cristina and Izzie to go to Joe', she's now in the hospital entrance lobby. They all decided to go their together when she saw Mark walking alone towards the exit when he saw her.
"Hey Sloan." Meredith greeted.
"Hey Big Grey, had a good day?" He casually ask.
"Good. Uhm, didn't see your best friend for days now." She silently said, not look at him. Just looking in front of a big window of the hospital.
"Miss him?"
"No, it's just feel like his avoiding me."
"Well, I can't speak for him, but if you miss him, tell him that yourself."
"I don't! It's just weird, he is backing away and I don't know why."
"Well, isn't this what you want? Him backing away for him to move on and also for you?"
"I know, but not like this. I…" She stomp her feet trying to compose words to reply for Mark but found none.
"Let's just say, that he knows you are dating other guy and he is sulking and brooding about it." He sighed.
"Oh, Why? It's not like…"
"He loves you. He now knows the magnitude of what he has done and taking the consequences like a sore loser, which he is."
"He is your best friend Mark, aren't you supposed to defend his action?"
"Best friend's job is supporting your friend when you know it's good for them, what he did is like killing himself without knowing. Like cleaning a gun and accidentally shooting himself while doing so."
"I… should I be grateful for what he feels right now for that Mark?"
"He is taking responsibility of his actions now."
"By what? Drinking and brooding?"
"Taking a back step? He might be sulking and brooding, but he is still working on himself. And you guys, even though you two broke up officially, the whole hospital knows how much you guys love each other. He was stupid that instead of being there and trying to fix things he run away, and he knows that now, and he is fixing himself to be a better man for you, you did rights?"
"I did." She replied.
"And, now you are in a place where somehow, you know what you want. Right?"
"Not all the time, but yeah."
"And he is too. I know you shouldn't wait, you already done that, a lot of time and you have been patient. But he is fixing himself up too and it takes time."
"I have no plans of going back Mark, if that is what you think."
Before he could reply, Izzie yelled her name, her and Cristina already in the exit waiting for her.
"Bye." She said to Mark and went to Izzie and Cristina.
"He loves you Mer. He might be a douche, but he loves you. Don't forget that." Mark said as I walked away from him.
They are now at Joe's talking about the patients they had for the day.
Meredith is quiet, trying to think on what Mark just told her. Derek trying to fix himself? Was she supposed to be understand like Addison before? On when he chose Addsion when all he did for the past day that time was assure her that he will sign the divorce paper but then change his mind all of a sudden? She knows now why he picked Addison instead of her, but now. With all the history, she does not think she can be one now. But somehow Meredith found herself smiling that Derek is trying to fix himself too. Meredith train of thoughts was interrupted when Izzie asks her a question.
"Did you date with McArmy went so well that I can feel your happiness radiates in this sit?" Izzie asks after a while.
"That date was good. Food was great. But that's it."
"If, that's it. Why are you happy?"
"I learned something, and I know I should not be happy, but it feels like, this is a stepping stone."
"What did you learn?" Cristina asks as she gulps her beer.
"Just something." She smile.
Two weeks has passed, Will and her has been on 4 dates already. If she is not in the hospital, she is either at Mike's or at Joe's with her friends. She's happy, she's smiling and laughing. But when she's at home, at her bed, listening to the rain outside her window, drops of rain falling, she remembers her last patient. Dr. Nelson and her took a break from the trial. She is still processing the last patient they had, the one who died not being with his loved on, who is just in another room. Every time she remembers him, she cries silently. Her heart goes for the love they have, the love that was lost even though they were room apart.
Right now, Meredith is on her fourth date with Will, having a dinner at an Italian restaurant. They just finished their dinner, waiting for the bill.
"Should we go?" Will asks her when the bill was paid. She nodded, her mind was somewhere when they were already at the car, she is silent.
"Are you alright?" She turned her head to Will, she smiled a little and nodded.
Will pulled up in front of her porch, she pulled her seatbelt, expecting Will to leave after she got off from the car, she was about to speak but he also pulled his belt. She looks at him expectantly waiting for his explanation on why he pulled his belt off too.
"Can I walk you to your doors?" She hop off from her sit. Closed the car door, Will did the same.
"It's like, fifty feet? It's not that far." She said.
"Still." She sighed in agreement and went to the curb, she turned her body around, walking backwards laugh a little.
"Told you it wasn't that far. Curb, front door.. fifty feet" She said.
"It's a nice fifty feet." Will said, his hand on his jacket pocket.
"Mm-mm" Meredith said, now in front of the door. Facing Will.
"So, help me out. Which date was this?" He asks.
"Why?" Meredith said, clutching her bag.
"Well, I need to know what to put in my diary." Will tilted his head a little bit, smirking at her.
Meredith chuckled. "Well, there was one last week, then, there was two this week, plus this, so I'm pretty sure that's four."
"And what about the car ride home last week?"
"I could barely keep my eyes open. She shakes her head.
"Well, we ate. We talked. We laughed, which was date-like." She looks at him confused.
"Why does it matter?" She asks him.
"Five is my lucky number." He said sheepishly, avoiding her yes. Meredith finally gets why he is asking her.
"Oh." She sighed as she knows what she is about to said will makes things awkward.
"Will, I don't know how to say this….I'm sorry." Trying to avoid his gaze. "You deserve someone who is not to hung up with her ex. Someone is more deserving of you."
"Oh, you are ending this?" Will said. He took a step back. Meredith nodding. "I thought we are going somewhere." Looking at her confusingly.
"I have been thinking, this past two weeks, and I know what I want Will, and you. You deserve someone who will like you not because she's trying to prove something but like you because you are you." Playing with her fingers, she said.
"Meredith." He said after a moment of silence "I like you, and I know you are worth it."
"Thank you for saying that."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Yeah, I'm sorry I wasted you time."
"It was not, it was nice." He turned around and started walking away. When he turned around again to face her, he was already in the curb. "You deserve to be with someone who will make you truly happy."
"I know." He turned around again and started walking to his car. Meredith watched him from her doors. Until his car turned around in the corner.
She was already in her bed, already change into her sleeping wear, it has been hours since she broke things off with Will, past midnight. She is looking again at her window, watching rain drops, they started big and ended small. She was able to think this past two weeks, not seeing Derek, and she was miserable inside. After a few hours of not being able to sleep she just gave up and just stared at the ceiling or at the window thinking when someone knock on her door.
Every after work for the past two weeks, Derek usual day is, Hospital, Joe's or Trailer. Right now, he is sitting at the far left of the bar, drinking his scotch when a man sat beside him, He didn't bother looking up and just continues drinking when the guy spoke.
"Joe, whiskey please." Riggs said. Joe nodded and handed off Riggs his alcohol.
Derek just silently drinking his scotch when Riggs turned his head and looks at him.
"Everything alright man?" He asks Derek. Derek looked up from his scotch that he has been staring for a while now, scoff at his question. He shook his head smirked and looks at Riggs.
"No."
"I though you two were dating." Derek said to Riggs. Riggs quickly understand what Derek said and smiled a little.
"Maybe in an alternate universe we are dating, but in this? No." Riggs quickly reply.
"You get her."
"Not necessarily, I understand her pain." He raised his hands to ask for another glass of whiskey. "I get what it feels like not to be with someone you love."
"Did she tell you the whole story?" Derek asks again.
Riggs looks ad Derek and laugh at his question, remembering the first time he met Meredith. She took interest on him when she heard his accent, and just started blurting out the story of her life. He remember her smudged face from crying, drinking tequilas like it was water. He remembers days after that, she just drinks after weeks of not just because his current girlfriend told her that he will sell the land where there supposed kids will grow up, and house. That he really is indeed moving on. Hit her like a train with that knowledge and just drinks herself up
"Yeah, she did."
"Stupid me right?"
"Don't want to judge, I'd like to think you have your own reasons."
"I think, I just think, I'm completely losing her, and I can't do about it."
"Didn't you already lost her when you decided to date other people?"
"I thought that was the best for us? For me actually. I wanted more, and she's not ready."
"So, the best solution for that is? Break up with her and date the next available girl for you? Right where your ex-girlfriend work?" Riggs looking at him with a poker face.
"And I also thought if I did that, she'd come back to her senses and…"
"She'll come running back to you? Like before? Wow. I don't know her that long, but I saw her pain, she was a wreck, you know her. She may look strong in the outside but she's wreck on the inside. And if you truly care and love her, you should at least take your time to let her process the magnitude of what you did, but no, you just jump out right at it. It was like hitting two birds with one stone, if one fail, at least you still have the spare."
Derek was hurt what Nathan said but all was true. And He knows what he did was stupid ad he is not proud of it. And now, as Nathan said, he is taking the magnitude of what he did and he does not know where to start to fix this aside from going to therapy.
"I know, it was stupid reasoning. I get it, trust me. I get it. And I just want to fix this, but she's moving on."
"Can't blame her really."
"Can't blame her too. But, I know, if I give up now, I will regret it. I want this, I know for sure."
"She's afraid of you." Riggs sighed and looked at his whiskey drink. "She still love you, and I think instead of moving on, it got more intensified by time. She change, she now knows what she wants and she knows how to have it but she's afraid to have it, because she's afraid if she tries to have it, she'll get hurt eventually. And as I said, Can't blame her. She tried to move on, but I don't think she can't and I get her, we all have that kind of love right? The one we so wanted to have but if we have it and it crumbles she knows she can't move on from it? And she's denying that cause of the history, so she is trying to move on, or she thinks. She has been drowning from the hurt you've given her. And this is the first time in a while that she took interest from another guy. So I think that's good for her." He paused for a while and started talking again. "Look, it's either of the two on how this will end, she move on with the guy or realize things and take the risk again."
"I've given her space, this past two weeks, I didn't let her see me. But sometimes, I miss her so much I don't think I can survive not seeing her for a day, even with that. Just that."
"She told me she didn't see you for two weeks now. I don't want to say this, but she's looking for you."
Riggs ended and took a money from his wallet and left it at the counter and leave.
Derek stayed at Joe's until midnight, Mark tried to stayed but left to go with Lexie. He was drinking his scotch, watching people come and go in the bar, tapping the counter top. He looked at his watched and decided to end his loneliness. He finished his drink and slammed his bill.
Joe saw him picking up his car keys when he stop him from leaving.
"Oh no, you are not driving, I'll call a cab, give me our keys, I'll give it to ou tomorrow morning." He gave his keys and waited for the cab outside. And he knows where to go. The misery that he has been feeling can only be solved by one person alone.
Meredith was staring at the window, trying to think on what she should tell to Derek, she knows that if she tried harder, she will see him, she needs to see him. She was startled from the banging in the door, she is alone in the house tonight, Lexie went with Mark somewhere, Izzie, Alex, and George is in the hospital. She's wearing only her purple night lace top and black underwear and on top is a sleeveless shirt. She got up from her bed and picked up her red bathrobe to go down and answer the door. She walks down the stairs up to the front door and heard the person's voice.
Derek was already sobered up when he arrived at Meredith's house. The taxi driver patiently waited for him to get up from his sit and waiting to get paid.
"Mer? Mer?"
"Derek? What are you doing here?" She have not seen Derek for the rest of the two week, so seeing him here shocks her. She can see him through the screen, he have not shaved, his eyes were filled with misery and loneliness, which mirrors her own. He smiled a little, his hair is unkept.
"Mer, could you open the door?" He asks with a voice that she knows hurts her. She knows he is hurting.
She opened the door and let him. She didn't see his car so she assumed that a taxi brought him here from Joe's or somewhere. She knows he's not that drunk as his words are still straight and could still walk straight. He walks past her and went straight in the living room. She turned around and followed him.
She found him looking at a picture that contains the five interns, Lexi, and Mark. They are at a Resto bar, near the hospital. Meredith was still avoiding any possible encounter of Derek outside the hospital that time so they decided to celebrate New Year at a different bar but also near the hospital if ever they got page which what happened after the picture was taken.
He remember that day, as he was on call that night so he saw her, wearing black fitted pants, white shirt and on top of that was her lavender sweatshirt. He saw her removing her black coat and as well her high heeled shoes, giving it to her intern who is waiting for her orders. He remember that he watches her tying her hair, and grabbing some yellow gown. It was weeks after he broke up with Rose, weeks after he told her what he truly feels.
"So this is where Mark was."
"Yeah."
He turned around, eyes bloodshot. Hands are on both of his pockets. Meredith clutching her robe. She avoided his gaze. She knows his hurting as much as she is. She knows that if she looks at him in the eye, she might break down, might not be able to say what's on her mind that has been playing.
"Why Derek?"
He sighed with Meredith's question, knowing full well the weight of that question.
"I know I don't have the right any more Mer, I know you are free to do whatever you want.—"
"You left again." She said before he could finish.
"I didn't."
"I didn't see you for a two weeks."
"I see you every day Mer. I saw you when you first went out on a date. I saw you with either Cristina, Izzie sometimes Mark, sometimes Riggs. I saw you being picked by him at the back of the hospital. I saw you with him again… picking you up for your date. And feeling that, every damn day, seeing someone can makes you laugh, knowing you can trust him… I….I….It hurts. And I can't complain about it because it was my own doing. I did this to us."
Meredith was shock b the revelation Derek just said to her. She knows that pain. She knows show much it hurts seeing your loved one be happy with somebody else, watching with your own eyes.
"I'm sorry I put you through that. I was stupid and reckless. I didn't think of what you feel, And If I could just erase the past or undo it, I will."
"But you can't."
"I didn't run away again Mer. Believe me. I have no plans of giving up. Unless you tell me to stop, Mer I will not stop. I will love you and still prove myself and redeem myself to you I kept my distance 'cause you deserved to think, and I felt guilty to all the mistakes I've done to you. And I was also respecting you, you respected me when I went out with Rose even though it was hurting you."
She saw him walks towards her. Meredith tightly holder her robe, stopping herself to run towards him and hug him. He held her elbow and pushed her towards him. "I will not stop Mer. You deserve to be happy. Out of all the hurt I have given to you. You deserve nothing but happiness. Give me the chance to make everything right, give me the chance to make you happy. I love you. You are the love of my life. I will wait for you even if it takes eternity" Meredith gets what Derek was trying to say.
"I went on a date with Will to try and prove something about myself." Derek took a step back. He knows that she is about to tell him that he should stop. And Just thinking of doing that wants to just drop his knees. "I...at first I thought because, that was like a stepping stone from moving on from you. I was guilty, I felt like I was cheating, when obviously I'm not. I still went out with him even with all the guilt. And you are right. I was happy. I laughed, we laughed. I know enough that I can trust him. He does not have a secret wife, does not have a secret girlfriend that will suddenly pop up when things gone wrong. He is secured and all."
"He can make you happy, and don't have the history of running away. I know."
"I went out with him 'cause I thought I was ready, after all this past months I've gone through, I deserve to at least try right? And I thought I was ready, people said I was ready, So I though why not? I went out with him, trying to prove that to myself, but it ended like I was like cheating with myself too. I was not ready, and I ended up comparing him to you, and that was pathetic. I know. He can all do those things, but he is not you." Derek took a deep breathe. "He is not you Derek." She finished.
"I will not push you to forgive me right now, what I did was unforgivable, and I deserved all the hurt. I am willing to wait until you forgive me and earn our trust but please, don't date other men. You are everything, I thought, I can be happy just by watching you from afar, but I was wrong, you are everything, I love you. And I'm not gonna stop loving you. Meredith, I can't live without you. I don't want to live without you. And I'm gonna do everything in my power to prove it. Please? Mer?" He said solemnly.
She looked up and saw tears trailing down Derek's cheek, she sighs. Seeing him so down hurts her, she just listened to him looking at him. Before he arrived she already knows what she was going to do the next day. She is happy, but she wanted to be happy within, and she is depriving herself that by not being with him. She wants to be with him, she loves him. She deserves this. She smiled.
"I can live without you." She started. "But I don't want to, I don't ever want to."
"Meredith…"
"Let me finish Derek..." She interrupted him. "I got whole and healed and the first thing I wanted to do was run to you, but I stopped myself because I'm still angry. So I deprived myself from you. And I felt like you don't deserve it. "She paused. " I was supposed to look for you tomorrow to say this but now you are here, and you are you. Now, I feel like a lame ass loser. I am still mad at you for what you did, and I still don't know if I trust you Derek and I wanna trust you but I don't know if I do…" She watched him walks towards her, giving her the smile. Understanding all the words that is coming out of her mouth. "So I'm just gonna try, I'm gonna try cause I believe we are extraordinary together rather than ordinary apart. And I want to be…" Before she could finish, Derek grabbed her neck, pulled her closer to him and kisses her .She was shocked at first but eventually she kissed him back. She wrapped her hands around Derek's neck, nipping his lips, pulling him closer as if there is still a space between them. She felt his hands ran at her back. From her shoulders down to her hips. She felt him raised his shirt a bit to feel her skin that was when she pulled back.
"I….I…I" She panted. "I want this to just us for now." She said, still holding him. She felt him put some hair strands that was falling from her head to her ear. "We started both times wrong Derek, and it blew on our faces."
Derek was just looking at Meredith. His right hand on her hips while his left is on her face, drinking in the moment. He gently stroke her face, listening to her. He cannot believe that this is happening.
"Derek? Are you listening?" Meredith asks him.
He nodded in response. "You want it to be private as much as possible. I get it. I'll do everything you want Meredith." He kissed her again quickly. "You want this to be a secret?"
She shooks her head. "No, not secret, more like discreet. "
"So I can tell it to people?"
"No! Yes! I don't know!" She exclaimed. Derek chuckled at Meredith's response. He will agree to whatever Meredith says, if that will make her happy. He will say yes. "Right now, we are dating." She said then quickly added. "Just us! I mean us together.. dating.."
"This is it Derek, this is it for us. I don' wanna mess this up." She said as she tighten the hold on Derek.
"I will not mess this up. We are done messing up.. Thank you Mer." He kisses her again ever so lightly. "Thank you for giving me another chance."
"We are taking things step by step, I don't want to hear people about this. We already had enough gossip around us, and I want to enjoy this every step of the way. And if I want to, we have to be discreet. I want this "
"We will, I'll make sure that this will work." He caresses some strands of her unnruled hair.
For the rest of the night they just talked what they have been through for the past months, catching up. Talking about the past patients. Good or bad news. The changes they've been through, they talked about Derek's therapy, she also brought up hers.
He learned about her history when she was a kid, her mother tried to kill herself infront of Meredith when she was five, he was shocked and pulled Meredith closer to him, hugged her tightly and said soothing words and apologizing for not being there for her when she needed him.
She shakes her head that maybe that is how it is supposed to happen. They talked about her mother words on what it meant. What it truly meant. They talked about her mother's affair with Webber, and why she tried to kill herself. They talked about her progress with Lexie, how they she ended up living with her.
What made her decide to change her house, they laugh at the story on how she found out Mark and Lexie. They felt bad when they talked about Burke and Cristina, she updated how Cristina and Owen happen. They talked about the struggles of their relationship, on why they ended up there.
They moved from the living room to her backyard. Both watching the sunrise.
"We both need to sleep." Meredith said while watching the sunrise.
"Yeah, we need to sleep." Derek said in agreement. He got up from his chair, waiting for Meredith to get up too. Meredith gave out her hand, reaching for Derek, asking him to pull her up.
Derek grabbed it and help her stand up.
The walk towards the front door, hand in hand. They were in the curb, waiting for a cab to stop by.