Disclaimer: This is a fan fiction, thus the Twilight Universe does not belong to me, and I'm not making no money off of it. There you go .

I wake up with a scream lodged in my throat. In my dream I always chase the elusive shadow that even my subconscious brain shies away from identifying. I stumble and crawl desperately on the forest floor, my mind petrified with the surety of impending doom. But I can never reach him, he never looks back.

It's nothing new, I have this nightmare every night. But this is the first time I register that I do. Something is different about this morning. It's dark out still, the rain has stopped pattering my window sometime during the night. There is nothing different about that, no, there is something different about me. I have woken up, really woken up. I feel like I have been hibernating, sleeping for months, waiting for warmth and light. I have been waiting for someone, to give me my life back. But today as I wake up in the darkness of my room, I realise, no one is coming.

It leaves me breathless for a minute, a stone fist grabs my heart and squeezes. I grapple with it, struggle to pull air into my starving lungs. Just when my vision is going dark around the edges, I manage to pull myself together. I have ended up on the floor beside my bed somehow, panting, grateful for the oxygen. I drag myself up and situate on the chair near the tiny bay window. I tell myself again and again, no one is coming. I repeat it to myself until I can think it without feeling like I am drowning.

It's December, the calendar says. I don't remember there being a November, nor could I remember going through October. My mind tries to skitter over September by instinct, but it's useless. My life has turned upside down since September, and there is no way to overlook it. I had turned into a different person over the course of last year, and she is lost now, lost without her compass.

I hear movement down the hall, Charlie is up. I wait for him to go downstairs before venturing out into the bathroom. Charlie is engrossed in the morning paper by the time I make it into the kitchen. I start with coffee, the rustle of the paper says Charlie is done with it. I return with two steaming mugs and sure enough, he's watching me. I stare back at him. He has bags under his eyes, his hair seems to be thinning. I feel a pang of shame burrow inside me, I have done this to him.

"It's good to see you up and about, Bells" he tells me with an uncertain smile.

"It's good to be up." I return, but inside I'm reeling. I can't remember yesterday, I can't remember the day before that. I feel like someone has wiped out the last two and a half month clean from my brain.

"Billy asked me to go fishing with him today, but I can call him and cancel if you want to do something?" Charlie asks, half apologetic, half hopeful.

It's a Saturday. Whatever I have been doing for the last two and a half months, Charlie hadn't expected or hoped for a change today.

"It's okay Dad", I smile at him, it feels foreign on my face. It must look foreign as well, judging by Charlie's expression, so I stop trying to smile and continue, "I think I'm going to do some cleaning around. You have fun with Billy."

"You sure? You can come with me, you know. Spend some time with Jacob." Charlie seems almost scared now, scared to leave me alone in the house? I must be really messed up.

"Don't worry Dad, I'll be alright." I touch his wrist.

That seems to enough emotional interaction for a day for him, he turns pink, nods and within half an hour I am alone in the house. I finish my toast and coffee in the silence, taking stock of the house. It looks worse than when I had moved in last year. Charlie has barely been holding it together. The refrigerator is almost empty, save for some fish filet and a six pack. The bathroom needs a good scrubbing, the laundry basket is overflowing.

I start with a load in the washing machine, move onto the dishes, maybe I could scrub out the sink too…

By the time I'm finished, my palms are red, arms are satisfactorily achy and the kitchen and bathroom beg for mercy. I climb up the stairs, humming mindlessly. As I reach the top step, I feel like I have missed a step. My brain have betrayed me, I have been humming my lullaby. Next are my legs, they fold under me without permission and I collapse on the stairs like a stupid marionette.

When I lift my head, two hours have past. I sigh and drag myself up my room. I kind of hate how pathetic I have become. Renee would have a conniption if she could see me. She had raised me better than to fall apart like this after a break up. Only it wasn't just a break up.

I have never belonged anywhere. I could blame Renee for that, never staying in a place for more than three years will guarantee a lack of friends. But it was more than that. I never fit into any of the cliques, I was always too much of something, too quiet, too awkward, too smart, too bookish, too opinionated, you get the idea. I never hoped to connect with anyone when I came here. Just two more years, I had told myself, keep your grades up, get a good scholarship, get into a good college. Then maybe, just maybe you will find a place you belong in.

And then I met the Cullens, at least I could think of them without fainting, small mercies. I felt like I have been waiting for them all my life. Carlisle, one of the smartest and most compassionate people I have ever met. Esme, with her endless capacity to love and care for people. Renee had raised me to be independent and strong, but she could never take care of people. I have been running our little household since I was ten, at least that's what it felt like. Esme had filled a void in me that I didn't know was there. Emmett and Jasper were the best big brothers anyone could wish for, even though Jasper was always conscious to maintain a safe distance from me, but he was someone you'd go to when you are troubled. Rosalie didn't like me, but even then she had stood between me and homicidal nomads when I needed protection.

I expertly skip over the last two Cullens, as they were the losses I am not ready to examine yet. So yeah, it wasn't just a break up. It was like an accident where you loose all your family. It's a really shitty thing to think, Since I had both Charlie and Renee, but with the Cullens I had felt part of a whole. And now here I am, abandoned and sniffling pathetically over my loss, like a puppy.

This cannot go on, I realise. I don't know what I did, how I acted during these months of darkness, but Charlie looked ready to collapse. Sooner or later he will give some kind of ultimatum, ship me back to Renee, or worse, therapy. I need to build myself back up. I won't survive long, living like this. I need to make some changes and I need to start now.

I still have time to do a grocery run before dinner I notice. So I decide to cook something for Charlie, god knows what he has been eating. I have not been eating much evidently. I have always been on the skinny side, but my pyjamas are hanging off my frame. I look gaunt, my lanky hair hanging limp from my skull.

I shake off my morose observations and change into a jeans and a sweater, I'm swimming inside my jacket, but nothing can be done about that now. I get into my truck and stare at the gaping hole where the stereo was supposed to be. That's what my chest would look like if it could be seen, I think. I caress the dashboard with sympathy. My truck is a lot like me, really. A being out of place, a being out of time, Looking tired and chipped, with a gaping hole inside.

I shake my head and laugh, startling myself with the sound, harsh and bitter, two adjectives I have never associated myself with. I have always been soft, compassionate. But maybe it's time to learn from my truck, Ol' Rusty is warm and faithful, but he is also built solid, like a tank. Maybe it's time for me to toughen up a little bit. With that in mind I start the truck and drive to the market.

There are a couple people milling about, examining the produce, chatting with people in the stalls. They all look at me like they have seen a ghost. I try to ignore them the best I can, I have been painfully awkward on the best of days. I pick up some steak, vegetables and greens. Then move on to get some butter and cheese. The lady smiles at me, "Good to see you, Isabella"

I duck my head and add a pint of homemade vanilla ice cream and some brownies to my purchase.

By the time I get back, Charlie is back from Billy's. He's at the door before I can open it, looking like he has been preparing himself for bad news. But he looks at me unloading my purchase from the truck and he sags against the frame. He hugs me. He. Hugs. Me. And breathes, "You're alright, you're alright, you're alright."

I swallow hard against the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry, Dad, I should have left a note." He lets go of me at that and clears his throat uncomfortably. I decide to spare him more emotional outbursts and move into the kitchen. There is half a pizza waiting on the dining table.

"Er, I picked it up on my way back." Charlie rubs the back of his neck, "You hungry?"

I realise that I am, I forgot to have lunch in my cleaning frenzy. "I'm starving, thanks Dad." I make quick work of putting away the groceries and dig in. Charlie looks unsure, but goes back to the living room and switches on some sports. Living with Renee has always been about healthy eating, even though she could never convince me to join with her latest fitness obsession. But today I savour the greasy pizza like I am tasting food for the first time. After I finish, I put a couple of brownies in two bowls, top it up with ice cream and join Charlie in the living room.

Charlie looks like he does not know whether to believe his eyes. He makes room for me on the couch beside him. I spend almost an hour just enjoying the silent company, he is watching basketball today, I am grateful that it's not baseball. I know I can't live like this, trying to avoid any and all reminders. But I feel weak and small, I'm afraid that if I push too hard too fast, I'll end up on the floor, breaking apart, again.

I get up from the couch and stretch, "I'm heading up, dad. Good night." Charlie looks up at me, searching my face for something. Then he relaxes and says, "Goodnight, Bells."

Back in my room I look around my room as I wait for my computer to start. I put away the clothes in the dresser. Another reminder washes over me. Alice. She stayed with me the entire time I was recovering from the attack in Phoenix, she helped me with my physical therapy, gentle and patient, in stark contrast to her usual chipper personality. We grew closer in those months, she became my best friend and sister. Something I never imagined I would have, could have. When I was well enough to move and take care of myself on my own, I wondered how I could I ever repay her, and she with a devilish grin said, "Well…you could always go shopping with me."

I had groaned at the thought of playing doll for her, enduring dresses and makeovers. But she surprised me with her insight and filled my wardrobe with clothes that I could wear without feeling like a stranger, but still of designer labels, better than anything I had ever owned.

"You need to have more trust in me." She said.

I get back to present as a couple drops of tear darken the cashmere top in my hand. I take a deep breath and put them away. Perhaps I should redecorate my room. That's supposed to make you feel better, right?

My computer is ready for me by now, so I spend some time going through my assignments. I am relieved to see that I have kept my grades up, although emails from my teachers encouraging me to participate more in class has tapered off in the last month. At least I have kept my college options open. It has always been a huge priority for Renee and I. She married young, right out of high school, then had me and hightailed it out of Forks with me in tow. She was determined that I wouldn't make the same mistakes she did. I would go to college and a good one at that. And when I kept on getting A's in my AP classes, her ambitions went to Ivy Leagues. Our house in Phoenix was filled with Pamphlets and advisories. I had a college fund we spent working on and off to fill. At least that is not going to go to waste.

As I go through my bank statements I am even more reassured of my future prospects. Alice had helped me in more ways than one.

Nine Months Ago

I was resting against the headboard, my forehead beaded with sweat. Even visiting the bathroom tired me out. I have been back from Phoenix about a week ago. Alice hadn't left my side during the permissible hours, Edward was there during the hours Charlie was out or sleeping.

It was a Sunday and Charlie had decided to stay home for my benefit. So it was just me and Alice in my room. We were talking about anything and everything under the sun. I was enjoying grilling her about Vampire life. Alice was much more free with information than Edward ever was. Gradually the talk came to money.

"I mean, you guys donate so much to charity, switch wardrobes so often and donate that stuff, But you only have Carlisle earning money, that too as a small town doctor. Don't you ever run out?"

Alice's tinkling laugh filled the room, "No Bella, we don't. We have ways to keep 'em coming."

"How?" I asked interested. I was thinking about my meagre college fund, which will barely pay for a year, and my part-time job at the Newtons', which I may have been fired from in absentia.

"Well, let's see. Carlisle is a dab hand at real estate." Alice started ticking off her fingers. "Esme does house restorations, Emmett has started doing distant consultation on softwares, Edward does music compositions under different names and enjoys the royalties. And not to mention the Money Carlisle has accumulated over the years in different banks, Edward had some inheritance that's growing nicely. And last but not the least" Alice wriggled her eyebrows in a devilish manner, "two words, Stock market."

I gaped at her and then burst out laughing, "They have no chance against you, do they?"

"None at all" Alice fanned her face dramatically. "We have an accountant…" and there it was, a tell-tale blank look that usually meant a premonition, but it was gone as quickly as it came.

"This is going to be brilliant!" She clapped her hands.

"If you are thinking about helping me with your family money…" I was already shaking my head.

"Please" Alice scoffed, "I know you better than that. I have a better idea, hear me out."

I nodded which necessitated her bouncing on my bed, "See, I don't spend time doing the Stock Market staff myself. We have an agent whom I send instructions to, who invests based on said instructions, asks no question and enjoys a percent of the profit we make. So I was thinking we could open an account for you with your college fund and add you to Stanley's clientele, he will just invest the money along with ours as per my instructions. We have never lost money, and they will certainly do better than sitting at the bottom of you sock drawer. So what do you say?"

It took me a moment to process her rapid fire sounded pretty good actually, Alice wasn't doing me a financial favour per se, I won't even have to pay the guy anything, he won't ask questions, and I needed the money. It will be good to have my own income, however small.

"Sure, that sounds good." I tell Alice, and get dazzled by her bright grin.

"You don't have to worry about anything, Bella. Just get better. I will take care of everything!"

And she did, I see the small but steady incomes coming in. I guess she did not ask Stanley to keep me out of the Cullen Arrangement or whatever. I smile at that, at least I have a small way to hold on to Alice. There is a sharp stab of pain in my chest, I rub it with the heel of my palm. I think back and realise, despite his reluctance, I had started thinking myself as a Cullen, I had thought I would always have them in my life.

How wrong I was, I think as I wheeze, time for a distraction.

I finally get ready for bed, forcefully trying to distract myself from reminiscing about the Cullens, or god forbid, one Cullen in particular.

Maybe I should change the colour scheme of the room. Hmmm, and maybe paint the furniture. The room feels too dark.

The nightmares return as soon as I close my eyes. I sit up gasping two hours later, clutching my chest. I almost expect to see blood covering my hands. The room is dark, shadows dance across the wall. In my half sleep I remain stuck on the forest floor. I need to run, the trees loom over me, threatening to swallow me. Another part of my brain tries to convince me that I'm in my room, I just need to switch on the light, and everything will be fine. But the sheets tangle up my legs and I land on the floor in a heap with a loud thump. Within seconds Charlie is here, looking down at me, exhaustion, concern, sleep battling in his eyes. A police chief should not have such expressive eyes.

"Bella! What happened?" Charlie's voice brings me back to earth, at least to the first floor.

"Er, I got stuck in the sheets." I shrug as I untangle myself and get back to bed. My annoying clumsiness comes in handy for once in my life.

"Oh" Charlie's moustache twitches a little.

"At least some of us finds it funny." I roll my eyes. Charlie grins outright. "I'm alright, dad. Go get some sleep."

Charlie opens his mouth to reply, but huge yawn comes out. He gives me a sheepish look and closes my door softly.

I give up on going back to sleep at about four in the morning. I already have bags under my eyes with purple shadows, might as well use the extra hours. I sit at my desk going over my assignments, all of them were upto date, zombie me knows how to keep on schedule at the very least. But they look like someone has vomited information all over the pages. So I edit them, putting finishing touches here and there. By the time I am satisfied with my work, the Sun is up, and so is Charlie.

So I get ready, and go downstairs. Charlie has an empty plate and a half finished mug of coffee in front of him already. There is coffee waiting for me in the coffee-maker. I pop two bagels on the toaster and greet Charlie.

"Hey Bells, you sleep okay?" Charlie greets back. I shrug in response, I don't feel like lying to him, but don't feel like whining about lack of sleep.

As I sit down buttering my bagels and pouring in the coffee, Charlie clears his throat, "Hey Bells, I forgot to tell you last night, Billy and Jake are coming over after lunch. You had any plans?"

I take a bit off the bagel to delay my response, Charlie must have shared the news of his zombie daughter coming back to life, so now they are coming to watch the freak show.

Okay, that was mean. For all I know they may have been coming over every Sunday, to keep Charlie company, so he doesn't feel guilty leaving me alone here all weekend. Anyway, I can always make an excuse and retreat to my room. So I take a sip of coffee to wash down the food and cover my look of annoyance.

"Sure, are they staying for dinner?" I ask.

"Er, I don't know, I was thinking we could order some pizza?" Charlie looks unsure.

"No, no. We have some actual food in the house." I give him a look, all those pizza can't be good for him. Charlie rolls his eyes in response.

"Plus we have some brownies and ice cream left over for desert."

"Wow, sounds great, thanks Bells" Charlie sounds so genuinely grateful that I had to look away.

A/N: Sooo, let me know what you think?